Tag Archives: you

i finally found it!

Christmas spirit.

it wasn’t in the gifts…or under the tree.

it wasn’t in my niece literally freaking out when she opened the gifts i got her – although i gotta say the joy in that little girl didn’t hurt.
it wasn’t about the monetary value of everything i was given – although i was spoiled rotten this year.

i guess i had always looked in those places for some sort of fulfilment.
but it was always anti climactic.  there has always been such a build up to the one day…so much rushing around…so much money to be spent, for literally minutes of gratification.
it’s always been a let down.
not that it wasn’t nice…because Christmas has always been “nice”.  just not as amazingly awesome as people build it up to be.

no, i never really found the Christmas spirit.

but i did this year.

i found it in my family…both blood, and the family i have created.
i found it around the dinner table – gathered around so many people i love…and that love me.
i found it in the conversation, in my fathers eyes…my mothers smile.
in the strangers we welcomed with open arms to our home.
i found it in all the children…all the new additions to my family –  blood and my own.

i found it when my niece jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck and said “auntie bee, i love you so much…you are my best friend”
long after the gifts had been unwrapped.
i found it in my nephews smile the moment he laid his eyes on me…reaching out for me to hold him
i found it when my niece only wanted me to take her potty…and kissed me and said thank you.
i found it in the card she signed all by herself.

i found Christmas spirit when i cooked dinner tonight.  sure, the turkey was already made…but i made the rest of it  and i felt great doing so.
sitting in love – enjoying this time…because this is a memory…a moment i can look back on and smile…and remember the overwhelming love i felt in that very moment – 20 years later.

i didn’t count carbs, calories, obsess about when i would find time to go to the gym.
i didn’t care that all the food i have consumed over these past weeks would result in junk in my trunk, and make my clothes snug.

i learned this year, the spirit of the season.
it’s about the people who surround you…it’s about the people that love you…and that you love.

none of these people care about the size of my waist, or the calories i count.  they care about me.  just me.  and what a wonderful feeling that is.

this year i felt a sense of peace that i have never felt before.  a feeling of such extreme love for those in my life, i could never write down in words.
it’s just unexplainable.
i am at a loss for words…and that’s ok.  because this feeling inside me – is not for me to explain…it’s for me to enjoy and appreciate.
i am such a very lucky girl.  it amazes me how lucky i really am.

this my friends is Christmas spirit.

the Christmas joy continues…the next few days will no doubt be equally amazing.

for once in my life…i can honestly say, i love Christmas.
and it had nothing to do with the presents under the tree.

it’s about love.  true honest love.
how simple is that???
how did i not get that?

tomorrow i travel a couple of hours to see my best friend – an extension of my already crazy big family.
i can’t wait.

i hope your Christmas was beautiful as mine.
it just keeps getting better.

wordpress counter



Site Meter

Advertisements

road trippin’

i am running away
no, not forever…one could only wish

i am heading out of the city for a couple of days
for a much deserved and much needed break from real life

mamma’s tired kids.

i am looking forward to not cooking dinner, not doing laundry, not walking a dog, not going to the gym, not waking up at some god awful hour –  not being a responsible adult for a little bit.
i am going somewhere where i will be taken care of…
where the only worry i will have is what restaurants to eat at and if they have that top in blue
yesssss….there will be shopping!!!!
maybe i will find the dress there unexpectedly too!!
where someone will leave chocolates on my pillow and make my bed
i will get some exercise in…what with all the shopping and site seeing 🙂
yay me!!!!!
i cannot wait!
ohhhhhh and there may just be swimming – better pack the bikini just in case.
(and if you are reading this jm, you may even get a skivvie pic outta this trip lol)

i love nothing more than getting into a car and road trippin’  it…singing songs at the top of my lungs, smiling ear to ear..with my feet on the dashboard sippin’ on my iced coffee – and of course amazing company! (that’s probably the best part of it all)

road trips rock my socks!!!!

Have a most amazing weekend – i’ll see you on the flip side!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

risky business

i decided to make my roast chicken for dinner tonight
i found a 3 pound bird while at the grocery store…and did my happy dance
yep, right there in the meat aisle… i was shaking my groove thang

meh, in the middle of the day the grocery store is not as packed as you would think
that made me sad
so many people missing out on my kick ass moves

i digress.

making dinner to impress is huge pressure on a good day
even if you are cooking something you have made a million times before.

so imagine my stress level, making something i never have before…and hoping for the best
oy!
my belly ached i was so nervous.

So here is my bird – which i gotta tell you was a tough prep.  if you know me…i have a thing about raw chicken
thank god i was on my own preping this thing…cause i was literally gagging touching it.
too much info?
yeah i know…anyways back to the bird…

here is my veggie of choice this evening…which was so damn delish..it was eaten up in seconds!!


and of course my plate of goodness (notice the gravy i made from scratch – yes i know..i rock lol)

it was a success….a 5 star success apparently.
phew – thank god!

dishes are done, leftovers put away
and i have a smile that just won’t quit

hope your night was as blissful as mine

wordpress counter



Site Meter

it makes me mental

i am aware that sizes are different from place to place
but it’s enough to drive me crazy!!
i totally understand how people get complexes…i mean no matter how much i tell myself it doesn’t matter
(because honestly it doesn’t)
sometimes that number on a tag can make a good day turn ugly.

today was my shopping day…and it was a very successful one if i must say.
but the sizing in the stores drove me mental.

i went to one store and picked out my usual size for blouses…and that old familiar gap between my boobs popped out
i was familiar with that when i was bigger.  i had to get bigger blouses to fit my boob area but then the rest of the blouse was too big
funny since i really don’t have a lot of boob anymore (my god i never thought i’d ever say that!!)

i went to another store…and my usual size was almost too big…covering my boobs just nicely thank you.

so then another store i typically buy my pants at didn’t have anything i liked – and my size there has been constant for at least 8 months now

i walk two stores up to another regular shop – and my pant size is one higher than it is at the other store.  (insert scratching head emoticon here)

i bought pants today that claimed to be the same size as the pants i have at home…the ones i tried on last week and were baggy big on me…
go figure.  the same size that instigated this very shopping spree.
sure the pants i bought today are a little roomier..but they are perfect

i’ll be honest.  i would have had a huge panic attack if i took those sizes to heart.
but i am ok with it…only because i know i haven’t grown/gained weight.  all my original clothes that i bought in October still fit me the same way…if not a little looser.

so i scored today…
i think i came away with 6 blouses and 3 pairs of pants and a lovely pair of shoes
yay me!!!
boo credit card lol

oh…and i was gifted with my very first Bench jacket.  i am young and hip kids.
apparently Bench is the clothing to wear lol
the jacket is gorgeous
big love for the new spring jacket!!!
apparently with their logo on my arm…i am instantly cool
(i think it’s me that makes the clothing cool)

so i am happy, but still want a couple of more pieces…but i am in no rush
and as for all those cute summer dresses i wanted?
there were none!!!!

oh well…
i can’t cry about new clothes 🙂

wordpress counter



Site Meter

matters of the heart

i was looking through some pictures last night.
album after album on the computer…bringing back so many different memories and emotions.

i noticed all of the pictures had 2 things in common
1 – food
2 – love

sometimes i complain that i have too much to do..too many places to be…
but looking back at these pictures, i realize how truly blessed i am.
blessed that i have so many people in my life that love me and want me around
what better feeling is there???

every special occasion is captured on camera. i would say “film” but that’s not really accurate these days 🙂
you have the typical bee pictures of food…and then you have all those other pictures…
people hugging, people smiling…people looking so very happy and completely unaware that they are being photographed
those are my favourite pictures.

i talk alot about food on here…well, because that’s this blogs primary focus
but i don’t think i’ve ever really talked about the way i love.

i’ve said the holidays are all about the food…
but i think i’ve changed my mind.

it’s all about the love.

whether you spend this time with the people you are related to…share the same blood line with
or with the family you have created through time
it’s all about love isn’t it?

sure, the food is part and parcel of the holidays
but i’d like to believe that the food tastes all the sweeter when you are with the ones you love.

how would the holidays feel without it?  without love?
losing those that you love…
i can assure you…the food would just be food…and the special day would be…just another day.

i have so many pictures, hugging those that matter most to me
where you can see the love just pouring out of me.
i am glad i have those.

sometimes i think about losing.
you know…losing someone i love.  i know it’s inevitable, but it’s still such a sad thought in my mind.

so i am grateful.  so very thankful
to be busy, to be overwhelmed, to have so much to do
because that means i am loved.
i am so very loved.

i decided to post this picture.  one of my favourites from the weekend!

this is me and my daddy.
he loves me 🙂
and you can tell by just one look at my face, that i very much love him back.
this was taken one week into his radiation treatment…3 more weeks to go.
we know he will be just fine…but…nothing lasts forever…and it makes you think…down the road…
to places you’d rather not let your mind wander to.

so i choose to make the memories…i choose to make as many awesome, amazing, fantastic memories
so i can always hold on and always remember.
and when i look back at the pictures, my heart will be warm with the love i felt in that very exact moment.

yeah, the food was awesome this weekend
but the love was even better.

i get that you need food to live.
but love?  love is what keeps you alive.

without it…life ain’t worth that much is it.

wordpress counter



Site Meter

thank you for yum

there was a big celebration last night kids 🙂

i took a special someone out for a special dinner…and brought with me my camera.  we celebrated a new beginning…a new chapter…to greater things a-comin’!!

ya know, it’s nice to go out for dinner with someone who doesn’t care if you want to take a million pictures of what’s about to go in to your belly.

what can i say?  i love food!

so allow me to make your mouth water!

i started off with….

yes, this is low carb beer…and i love it

then…

my caesar salad – no croutons

and my main meal:

medium rare steak with mushrooms, in a peppercorn sauce.  no worries, the baguette was for show…i didn’t eat it 🙂

followed by my thank you note:

annnnnnnd finally…the purrrffffect way to end the night:

Hope you enjoyed my food porn…god knows i did!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

the hummingbird

when i was thinking about today’s blog, it dawned on me how personal this really is to me.
and how it completely belongs here.

so i guess i kind of lied yesterday.  sometimes, on the odd occasion, you may find a piece of my soul in here.
and i am ok with that.

when i was 17, i decided to get a tattoo.
i guess on the outside i was a typical teenager, wanting to express myself…wanting to find my place.

i was always so much deeper than anyone i knew.  i was an old soul.

i wasn’t going to just mark my body for something to do…it had to mean something to me.
and at that time…and to this day…the hummingbird has meant something to me.

back then, i was ill.
very ill.
the details are much too personal to post here, but it’s safe to say i was not well.
i think the worst part was, i just never told anyone that i was sick.
not my family, not my friends.
i kept it inside, and worried myself to death.

it was a dark time…add an illness – or i should say illnesses
plus the regular drama of teenage life.
i was a lost little girl.

when i looked at the hummingbird, it made me feel alive.
it was small, beautiful, it’s colours so very vibrant.
like me…
like i could be.

but i was dead inside.
black inside.
no colour, no life.

the tattoo represented who i was inside
somewhere in there, there was a healthy girl…alive…vibrant.
waiting ever so patiently to come out and shine.

one day, the inside would match the outside.

20 years have passed since then.
i’ve been plagued with other health issues, struggled through the worry.
3 surgeries later (2 were 4 weeks apart)
and 1 full year of follow ups…
and i am intact.
healthy as can bee 🙂

through the years, the hummingbird has faded, the colours have bled into themselves
and what once was a vision of beauty…became something old, worn and forgotten.

for years i have been talking about getting it touched up.
but there has never been time, or money…there’s always been something more important to do.
but i hated looking at that hummingbird in the mirror
because 20 years later, it looked exactly how my 17 year old self felt.

i was beyond that.
but there was my reminder…staring me in the face every single day.

last night i was gifted something so amazing, i haven’t the words to describe how i feel.
(the fact that YOU knew what this meant to me..that you actually heard what it meant to me, means more than the actual gift itself)

i was gifted with my tattoo.

my tattoo has been touched up and is even more beautiful than i can remember it ever being.

and i feel like i have come full circle.

my outsides match my insides now.

i am the hummingbird.  i am alive, healthy and vibrant and whole.
i am all that i prayed that i could be.

i was thinking about this in the car on the way home…
and i started to cry…without warning.
the tears were the realization, that i have indeed come full circle.

i was so dead inside, and that tattoo 20 years ago made me feel alive.

today…i’m alive.
the tattoo reflects everything…everything i was intended to be.
the healthy, happy, vibrant old soul standing in front of you.

i looked up the meaning of hummingbirds last night, and this couldn’t be more fitting:

In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timeless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

i’d say that’s pretty much bang on.

Just so you get an idea of what they look like…

here is my tattoo friend prepping me lol:

and here is the before and after pic!

thank you my suprise gift giver.  i love you, you rock my socks!!

if you are in the Toronto area, and want to be inked…be sure to check out:

Phat Buddha
1769 Danforth Ave
Toronto, On
647-352-8818

phatbuddhatattoos@gmail.com

ask for Tyler – ’cause he rocks my socks too.

i know i will be going back again soon…i already know what i want!  i’ve been thinking about it for well over a decade, and tonight it came to me!

wordpress counter


Site Meter

365 days – a year revisited

the number to the left is significant to me for several reasons.
one – it is my favourite number.  two – it is the day that i was born, and the third,
this is the amount of weight in pounds i have lost in the past 365 days.
18 pounds might not sound like anything much, but for me…it’s a lot.
and really this is about the journey.  what brought me right here.

the actual anniversary of my biggest life change is tomorrow.
but since i started this on a Monday…i thought it appropriate to reminisce today.

last year at this time…i made a life altering decision.  sure, initially i was forced into it…but it was the best push of my life.

last year at this time…i was tired.  I was so tired with the direction my life took, the decisions i was making, the people that i kept in my circle. tired of being sick.
i had had enough of everything that was negative and toxic in my life.  everything.
i was tired of crying all the time…feeling poorly about myself.  honestly…i felt so damn worthless.
all that toxicity was making me sad, depressed and very unhealthy.
i used food to make me feel better…and all it did was make me feel worse.

last year this time i remember sitting here…exactly where i sit now
a shell.
broken.
a total mess if i must be honest with you.
i hated the person i greeted in the mirror every single day.  and no it wasn’t just about the weight…it was about me.
everything i had become.
a person i didn’t like at all.

and there in that very moment began the letting go.
i did some major house cleaning.  i knew that i was better than the person i was representing.
better than everything i allowed in my life.
and so the letting go began.  in every single aspect of my life.
the fridge was immediately cleaned out.  anything and everything toxic was thrown away. all the toxic food was replaced with healthy, whole foods.
friendships were terminated…immediately.  although some had been over for some time…they took up residence in my head…and so phone numbers, old emails…all contact information to old toxic ghosts were also deleted.
i am not kidding when i say that within moments…i felt a shift within myself.

i was like a woman on fire.  i took everything so seriously.
my health was my top priority.

when i started to notice slight physical differences…i also noticed a shift in my mental health.
i was happier, i smiled more, had more energy, i started to love my life again, and in turn loved the people who were in it like they deserved to be loved.
everything seemed to go hand in hand.

when i finally introduced working out into my life…that is when the major differences started to show.
the shape of my body changed…my energy level was out of control…
and the rush i get from a good work out is still indescribable.

it was like i found a top secret happy combination…and there was no way i was letting it go.

not that it was always easy…because it wasn’t.  there were times i wasn’t happy with my results…how slow the changes seemed to be coming. i just wanted to give up.  i cannot tell you how vital my friendships, both in real life and in the blogging world were and still are to my successes.
each and everyone of you know who you are…and i thank you from the bottom of my itty bitty heart.

i don’t know how many inches I’ve lost…
but i am not afraid to tell you what size i used to be and the size i am now.

i went from a muffin top size 4  (really a size six) pants…and i am now a curvy size zero.
i went from a medium blouse to an extra small blouse.

my work out pants are an extra small.

i am 3 pounds away from my goal weight!!

i have attached a picture of my transformation…just to show people…before they feel the need to attack my size…that i am a healthy girl.
that sometimes when you are small boned…just tiny in stature…that a size zero is normal.
so please…i ask for no negative comments.  not today.
today is my day.

the first picture was taken 3 months in to my new lifestyle, when i took my solo trip to another country.  at this point i had already started working out and lost a bulk of my weight.  knowing that…i kinda cringe when i look at that picture.  i thought i was looking pretty damn good at that point…lol
my father god bless him –  loves this picture.  he likes me with a little chunk.
anyways…the only other before pic i really have was taken in my bra and underwear…and i would never have the guts to post that publicly anywhere..so the first picture will have to do.
so..take a look.  i think at least 15 of the pounds i lost were all boobie! lol

Since you have all been faithfully by my side through my journey this far…i want to share my results with you.
thank you for walking with me…i am so blessed to have met so many wonderful people through this blog.

As i type this blog out, the song “About Love” by Alicia Keys keeps playing in my head.

anywhoooo….

Happy Anniversary to me 🙂

wordpress counter


Site Meter

me likey alot

since i’ve been going to the gym…
the number on the scale has been going up…and my body has been shrinking.
interesting.

i stopped weighing myself…until the end of this week at least
you know…hormonal stuff and all.

seeing the number rise, makes my blood pressure rise
and then i remember why i never used the scale…
because clothes never lie.

my clothes have felt much looser…especially this week…
which is highly unusual since it’s so close to that time of the month
ladies you know what i am saying.

it’s actually at the point where i have to have one hand readily available while i am on the elliptical
because my pants are soooo close to coming off lol

i can deal with gaining weight and getting muscle in return.  i think that works well for my head.
the more i go to the gym, the more my endurance increases.
machines i could barely do 5 minutes on, i can easily do 35 minutes on
and when i get off, covered in sweat…i feel so god damn amazing.

this is by far one of the best things i could have ever done for myself.
that romping naked on a remote greek island is becoming more and more of a reality
who knows, maybe i’ll give them Texans a little peek-a-boo lol

i hope you all have an awesome night tonight.
you know, it being the day of amour and all.

i am off to see a lady about a new house 🙂
the rest of the evening remains a mystery

wordpress counter


Site Meter

boo to food

there was nothing i wanted for lunch today
not a thing
everything being served was something i shouldn’t be eating
and more importantly it was nothing i wanted.
 
so i was stuck with soup broth and of course my cucumber and cheese.
 
sometimes i get so bored with food.  all food.
where nothing appeals to me…at all.
it’s not a low carb thing…it’s just a food thing.
 
everything makes me scrunch up my face and stick out my tongue
which i am sure may have offended my wonderful lunch lady.
 
lunch was a struggle.  i wonder what dinner’s gonna be like.
 
i don’t care ’cause i just have two more sleeps…till my life becomes even more wonderful…if that is even possible!!!
can i get a woot woot!

wordpress counter


Site Meter