Tag Archives: working out

guilty pleasure

i love to dance

i mean love

but can i dance?

that would be a big fat no. this girl has no rhythm

(although i am queen of chair dancing)

you will never see me dancing in public, unless there is alcohol involved
because then – well – i am a total superstar

the fact that i can’t dance – does not mean i shouldn’t dance

and so i am doing some hip hop – in the comfort of my own home

sure, i may have kicked a dog or two so far

sure, i’ve almost peed my pants laughing at how ridiculous i must look

and yes – i’ve heard laughter coming from the peanut gallery when i am not alone

but

who cares???

it’s FUN!

i have learned that there is no point in doing something you hate

there is nothing worse than trying to talk yourself into a daily work out when you hate it

so why not do something you love?

and i love dancing!

it’s only day 2 and my body hurts from head to toe

so you can’t tell me it’s not doing anything for me

and the upside?

it’s in the comfort of my own home
so i can look the fool all i want

i don’t care

do what you love

love what you do

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hot mess

i am very accident prone

by “very” i mean insanely. embarassingly accident prone

you know – getting a badly sprained ankle that took over a year to heal (and hasn’t ever been the same)
from just standing

yes – just standing
my ankle turned over and BAM – there i was in my back yard – crawling my body towards the house
hoping none of my neighbours saw me

falling down my stairs for no apparent reason
often
(i think my next house is going to be a bungalo)

and then there was this one time – on my front porch
tripping over my own feet
that resulted in me doing some sort of acrobatic dance moves to keep myself from actually falling

i ended up doing something to my back
where i could barely move – shower – bend over etc

oh and this was right when i had to travel to the states

i was highly medicated for weeks

Prior to that i had injured my back due to improper form while working out – so it’s always been “off”

last week while i was walking UP the stairs at the office
i tripped
but not over a step – noooo. over my own two feet

so of course i tried not to fall – and ended up in some fast forward – full on run
and slammed face first into the wall that was at least 5 feet away
(thank god for the wall lol)

but of course i couldn’t be alone for that moment
a coworker witnessed every fabulous second
and broke down laughing
(i don’t blame him)

an hour later – everything ached
my wrist, my knee, both ankles
i was a hot mess

lathered myself in voltarin when i got home
and of course – couldn’t work out for a few days

by yesterday i was feeling much better
and was going to start a new program today
i was excited to get moving and back on track

till around 3:00 this morning
when i fell out of bed
THUMP
right on the floor

FELL OUT OF BED!!!!!!

i am not so sure that i fell
or was nudged by my little dog

true story

I wish i could say this surprises me
but to be honest
what surprises me is how this hasn’t happened sooner!

so i am tired
grumpy
and sore

voltarin it is
and hopefully i will be able to get back at it in a few days

i’m a hot mess!!

as for my little loving pup?
she’s in bed
sleeping like the angel that she is lol

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reality

i’ve been on track for 4 weeks

four weeks clean eating, and 4 weeks of workouts

can’t tell you if i’ve lost anything as i don’t use a scale
and i never took pictures or measured inches

this is not why i am doing this

well i mean ya – losing weight would be awesome
but it’s lower on the goal list

i feel better

i love when my fit bit goes crazy after i’ve hit a daily goal

i love sweating my stress away
and my clothes feel looser

so i bit the bullet
and got rid of my “small clothes”

for years i have held on to them – thinking that i will get back into them

the reality of it all is…
my body has changed – and i feel like it’s an unrealistic goal

so i got rid of all my size zero pants and xtra small tops
(i can’t believe how tiny i was!!!!)

if by chance i do end up all tiny like that again
at least i have an excuse to go shopping!

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in other news

look what this lucky girl got for Christmas

fitbit

Best gift ever!!!!!

yes i have a fit bit already – yes it works just fine – no issues whatsoever

but this?

look how pretty it is.

i normally am not into “big” things. things that draw attention. flashy things

but this Blaze is just so pretty!

and it’s sporting my favourite number(s)
8 and 18

anything 8

funny how a new toy can motivate the crap outta you!

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feeding the feelings

let’s be real

i’ve been gone for a while

it’s what i do

when things are going on – i get gone – if you know what i mean.

the last few months of 2017 were a bit of a shit show

you know, illness, injury, losses
some i knew were coming, and others i was completely blindsided by

then there was the christmas season – that seems to last a lot longer than it should
enter in a birthday (yes i can have cake and sushi and wine and whateverthehelliwant on my birthday)

it was just a horrible, destructive combination

slowly – almost without even realizing it…

i traded in my workouts for lazy nights on the couch
all of a sudden veggies weren’t so appealing – and all i wanted were fries..and naps
i could go on…but i won’t

i will let you in on a little secret

under this tough, bitchy, nothing ever bothers me exterior
this girls got feelings
shhh. don’t tell anyone

i was sad. i was stressed. i was defeated.

and so i do what i always do
i feed my feelings

i fed them all the carbs. alllll the carbs
i gave them love and affection and held them in a big bear hug
in the form of food

enter my Greek mother’s Christmas baking – and damn – that’s like a kiss on my little bruised soul

all the food
all the time

but i recognize it (now)

the damage has been minimal…but it’s still damage

it’s funny to me – the way people cope
how we all cope
our vices may be different – but we all have vices don’t we?

it’s not my first rodeo here (oh and i’ve been watching dr.phil that i pvr’d – perhaps a bit too much)

i am all too familiar with stress…illness..injuries…losses
i mean – it’s life
with the good comes the bad
it’s not like i’m new to this

but i am only human
and sometimes – only sometimes
i get sad
and i throw myself a pity party (albeit a damn long one)

i eat crap – that makes me feel good…for a few moments
only to feel like crap from eating crap

lather rinse repeat

i wasn’t doing my little sad girl feelings any good
i was trying to feel better – feel ok – and i only ended up feeling worse

so i am cleaning out the fridge this weekend
replenishing my good stuff.
to be honest i miss the good stuff

(i’m gonna eat the dill pickle chips though – i can’t throw them away, i’m not a monster)

this isn’t a new years resolution
it’s life
the way i live

i just hit a bit of a bump in the road

this all came to me in the course of an hour
as i was prepping dinner on this unbelievably cold January night

the mother of all comfort foods

mac and cheese

not your average Kraft Dinner – but the real stuff. made from scratch mac and cheese

see? comfort = all the carbs

i’m going to eat it – and i am going to enjoy it

then i’m gonna get my big girl panties on
and kick some serious ass

i did all the feeling – and now it’s time to get back to hardcore bee 😉

gurrrl

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body dysmorphia

i’m pretty sure i struggle with this.

i am sure alot of people do.

i decided to change my life (for the 10th millionth time) last August.
i was struggling with what i saw in the mirror every day.
although i was working out and eating relatively healthy…i just wasn’t consistent
i would fall off the wagon and jump back on
over and over and over.

finally something snapped inside of me
and i needed to change

it started with me buying a program from beachbody that terrified me
and committing myself to finish it.
i am no stranger to their programs – but this one was tough
and i was going to do it.
21 day fix – 3 weeks to a better you. it comes with a meal plan and portion control containers
this was my first time swaying from my low carb lifestyle and doing exercises that beyond challenged me
i still to this day will swear at Autumn (the instructor) as i’m pushing myself

i am happy to say i DID complete it. more than once.
I am currently on my 7th round. SEVENTH!
i did a couple of other programs in between
but apparently this is my go to.

this is where the mind plays tricks on you.

i have been consistent for 11 months
i work out 6 days a week.
my diet is 80-90% clean (i have the occasional cheat meal – i AM human)
i needed 3 weeks off for an injury i sustained from working out
and then i took a month off from coming down with the most horrible flu of my life
but other than that – i’ve been on track.

i never weigh myself
but i did measure
as of January 7th i lost a total of 22.75 inches off my whole body!
and i haven’t measured since
my clothes are fitting much looser – and some things from last year are just too big to wear
depending on where i shop – i am down 1-2 sizes
and according to Victoria’s Secret, i am down two cup sizes (to some people’s disappointment lol)
i take pictures to see progress…

and i see it. but i definitely don’t register it.

i see the me i was last august – if not bigger

and even though it makes absolutely zero sense
that is exactly how i feel

i feel like i have made no progress
no matter how my clothes fit – or what pictures tell me

it makes me want to give up
makes me want to quit

but what will that do for me?

just make me even more miserable than i already am

i feel good. i feel healthier. i have alot more energy
i love the way i eat…and even though alot of times i dread working out
i never regret a work out

i ordered a dress on line a few weeks ago
i never buy clothes on line
anyway it came the other day. i just looked at it and thought no freaking way am i getting my body in to this
i threw it aside and never even bothered
i called it the barbie doll dress – because i am sure it wasn’t designed to fit a human body

last night i tried it on
honestly – just to see how funny i would look in it
get a few laughs

it fit – it fit nicely
and my jaw dropped

form fitting – tiny – sexy even

and it fit

not sure why i’m shocked – since i work my ass off every single day

but this is where i am at
feeling uncomfortable in my skin – even though the results are there

next week i have to go bikini shopping

i’m going to need someone to talk me off the ledge
and keep me away from all the comfort food i’m going to want to devour

it’s a struggle
but i’m trying

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defeat

i haven’t been here for a while – i know

but just because i haven’t been writing – doesn’t mean i haven’t been working

i’ve been working my ass off actually

it’s been almost a year since i’ve gotten serious about my health

from January to August i saw very little results

i did some research and realized how important it is to eat the right kinds of food, portion control etc

i changed my low carb lifestyle in August – and i haven’t looked back

going away on a much deserved dream vacation – changed my life
literally.
everything inside me shifted
all my perceptions, my sorrows, my stress

it all shifted

and then shit got real

it became about me
for once
self love. self acceptance
what would make me happy?

for once – i was putting myself first

my fitness and diet were number one.
i started joining challenge groups. worked out religiously every day
allowing myself a rest day to restore my muscles

i incorporated weights in to my life

and the transformation was incredible

here is a mini breakdown

in 3 weeks i lost a total of 9.5 inches

4 weeks later another 7.5 inches

3 weeks later i lost another 1.5 inches

10 weeks – 18.5 inches of my body gone!!!

So i recently joined a 30 day challenge group. 30 days of working out.
and what was i doing?
MMA style fighting

it was a challenge that scared me – but excited me

i went from 3 months ago attempting to do a push up and literally falling on my face
to being able to do push ups for a minute straight

and the plank – the dreaded plank. i could only start off modified
now i can do variations and hold it. each one for a minute

the strength that i am building is incredible

and i realized that’s what i want. a strong body. to match my strong will
i want healthy. i want the challenge. i want to better myself every day

enter day 23 of the challenge. this was tough work. the work outs were long and exhausting

i woke up that morning with a sore shoulder – but i pushed play anyway

and then by the evening – the pain i was in was – i cannot even describe

woke up the next morning worse. i couldn’t do my hair – i couldn’t even put my bra on.
even driving hurt
getting dressed was impossible

got up this morning and literally cried. the pain was so intense.
i slept in a bra because i was afraid to face that challenge in the morning

i went to urgent care.
i had xrays and go in for an ultra sound on monday.
she suspects a pulled or torn tendon in my rotator cuff

did i mention that the pain is incredible?

she gave me kick ass pain killers so i could sleep. i haven’t slept in two days
(she actually told me that if i get out of bed for some reason in the middle of the night – to plant both feet on the ground and slowly stand lol)
some anti inflammatories and muscle relaxers

i popped a muscle relaxer as soon as i got home – and it took forever to work
but once it did
my oh my
i went and had a glorious one hour nap with my babies
i feel like wonder woman
so much so i debated going for a run

but the doc said absolutely no exercise until we know what we are dealing with

i looked at her and said…doc – i can’t even put a bra on – i don’t think i’ll be working out

anyway

my point

and i always have one

i feel defeated.

i joined a challenge with several people – and had 23 days done. only another 7 to go
and everything has come to a complete stand still
and it makes me feel like a failure
completely defeated

i want to keep moving because i am afraid if i stop
my old self will come through
and not want to start

so maybe i’ll walk

i’ll join the retirees at the mall and do some power walking 🙂
that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea

now more than ever – my food has to be on point.

i feel defeated – but i am never going back

annnnd – i’ve decided that even though i didn’t finish my challenge – i will still measure myself
see how i did
because i didn’t quit – i was all in

but sometimes life happens
and things get in the way

doesn’t make me any less of a person
my intentions are true
and my goals are real

now that i see it in black and white

nothing about my attitude spells failure or defeat

just a strong, determined woman who may or may not need a lesson in patience 😉

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out of the mouth of babes

laying on the beach – getting sun kissed
my gorgeous 7 year old niece wanted to go into the water with me
she’s begging me to get up

and so up i got

she looks at me and says – auntie bee? why does your belly button disappear when you sit up?

it took me a second or two to register – and before i could say anything – miss tiny skinny minnie says – it’s ok…mine does too.
(bless her little heart)

i started laughing
you know the laugh
that kind of laugh that comes from deep in your belly and it’s hard to catch your breath – tears in your eyes

i said – i am a little older than you baby – i have more skin

i grabbed her hand and off we went in to the water and had the time of our lives

had anyone else said that to me
i probably would have been horrified – and covered myself up immediately
i would have stewed over it for days – and shoved my mouth full of comfort food
i would have felt sorry for myself and no doubt would cry buckets of tears

but she’s seven.
not only is she 7 – but i watch her – looking at other women – their bodies – their figures – even their breasts
comparing herself – assessing herself
she picks herself apart
she bragged to me how the one piece she was wearing was a size smaller than what she should be wearing
where does she get this? because it certainly isn’t coming from us – her family.

did i mention she is 7?

she refused to wear a bikini – and felt more comfortable in a one piece
that was fine with me – i told her she could wear whatever bathing suit she wanted

later we went shopping and she was eyeballing a bikini
she called me over and told me she loved it
i asked her what about that bikini she liked

it was padded. it would give her a chest

she’s 7

did her honest little question sting?
sure
but she was just asking a question.
she loves me. doesn’t care what i weigh, or what size my clothes are
she loves me

and i love her

and because i love her – i hope to god my reaction to her question was all the answer that she needed

who cares if you can’t see your belly button when you sit down

i am still awesome – i can still play in the water with her – we can still laugh and have a great time
annnnnnnd
i will flaunt this kick ass body in a bikini any day!

belly button or no belly button at all

and i hope – that as she gets older – she will do the same damn thing

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self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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