Tag Archives: weight

it’s all about me

today was a perfect Sunday – i made it all about me.

I may regret that as the week goes on, but i needed a day that didn’t involve cooking or house cleaning, laundry and sweating my butt off at the gym (although the latter has been at the bottom of my priority list as of late)
there was no way i was going to attempt Christmas shopping – i did that yesterday and ended up in a foul mood.  not even 15 minutes into my shopping i was telling off a lady.  who needs to be that angry?
anyways – that’s a blog for another day and another place.
i will get the rest of my presents when my vacation begins.

the day began with a much needed sleep in – all the critters pretty much allowed me a decent sleep.  that never happens.

so the day started off with brunch.  considering it was well into the afternoon and i hadn’t had anything to eat – of course the whole menu looked amazing.  do you know that this place makes smores pancakes???????
the fat girl in me begged for me to order those…until of course she saw the BLT with sweet potato fries.  i swear she drooled.

the skinny bitch in me took over – how she got control over the situation is beyond me….

anyways, for brunch today i had 7 grain pancakes with flax seed – and sugar free maple syrup.

i had never had that before – and truth be told i probably never will again.  lol

they were great when they were fresh – but once they got a little cold – it was – well it was…gross.  there is no other word i could use.

but you know what?  if i had the BLT with sweet potato fries – i would have spent the rest of my day feeling guilty and beating myself up.
that doesn’t sound like the best way to spend my all about me day!!

then i went and had a manicure – swoon.
this time a guy did it.  the hand massage felt “weird” – i’ve never had a man give me a manicure before.
he was tough and aggressive…no other way to explain.  his hands were rough and “manly”
i am used to a woman giving me my manicures – it was odd but he did an amazing job

the rest of the day was low key – connected with a few people and had a late afternoon nap.

now… what to have for dinner??

i think  a hot bubble bath is in order 🙂

i was debating going out for a few drinks – but that’s undecided.  maybe i will, maybe i won’t.
the point is – it’s all about me…and i’ll do whatever i want.

back to the real, cruel world tomorrow!

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smoke and mirrors – a repost

Considering i have over 400 posts on my blog – i thought i’d bring an oldie back…chances are a lot of you have never read it – and a lot of you don’t remember it…
i may do this once and a while when i feel i have nothing to say 🙂

Smoke and Mirrors – June 2010

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!

And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat. Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking! Where’s the fat???

If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years. Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat. I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely. I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat. Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was fat. Fat for me. I had never ever been the size that I was then. So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart. For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird. I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb. I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues. 40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all. In 3 months…it was gone. Poof… like magic. I won’t lie. It was easy then. So unbelievably easy. I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though. In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee. I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say. In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier.

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.

But I did. And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery. He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.

I was so embarrassed. He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone. He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”

Things like that…just always floored me.

My European mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight. I even went braless!!! These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did. It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.

But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style. I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating. Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo. Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.

And now this time around, it’s harder. It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast. And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet. Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again. I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today. I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people. I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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the results are in

so today was the day.

the big weigh in.

it’s the very first thing i do even before i step into the room – i get on the dreaded scale.
every time i ask him if i should take my shoes off.  every time he says no.
every time i say take five pounds off the final tally
and every time he laughs – as if i kid.

i held my breath and got on…and he adjusted the weights and voila – there was my current weight.

how much do i weigh?

well i am not going to tell you that!!!

i did gain weight though.  i had a feeling that would be the outcome.
how much weight did i gain you ask?

are you ready?

i

gained

0.5 pounds.

yup, i gained half a pound since last year.

to be fair…after my doctor’s appointment last year i do believe i dropped another 2 pounds.
so i’ve gained a couple of pounds.

i have basically maintained my weight for a whole year – if not longer actually.
that brings me immense pleasure, because that means i am being smart…i think i finally know how to stay on track…
even if there are a few slips along the way.

as my good friend pointed out to me – she told me to not even worry about a couple of pounds
because i’ve been doing weights for just under a year, and i was warned by my personal trainer that i would see the scale go up

and up it went.  half a pound.
half a pound!!!

i am feeling good about it 🙂

everything else about me is awesome – although i still have to get blood work done.

he wants me to get my eyes checked ASAP – he think we should rule out eye strain for my headaches
sure it’s been about 12 years since i’ve had my eyes checked but i think they are just fine!

he’s booking me an MRI – just to make sure my brain looks sexy and awesome.
he asked if i was claustrophobic
and i said oh hell yes…because i am, very much so.

the kind doctor who knows i am not into pill popping gave me a prescription for Ativan – suggested it would be a good idea to take before the MRI

also knowing that i have quite the intolerance for meds – he let out a chuckle and said i should do a test run and take a pill at home before the appointment
haha – funny man.

good thing i love him – and good thing i am so blessed to have a doctor who actually knows me and my body.

i will most certainly do a test run at home.  anyone wanna come over and get stoned with me?  my doc says it’s all good.

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one year

On Saturday, while sitting on a bench…taking a breather from shopping…
i became engrossed in people watching – i love it.

a girl walked by me that caught my eye…and so i did a double take.
i looked over at my lovely shopping companion and mentioned to her…that i thought the woman walking by looked just like me – body wise.

she looked at me as if i had 3 heads and said “is that really what you think you look like?”

ummm yeah…that’s what i mean by she looks just like me lol

apparently she didn’t see it.  not even close she said.  she then pointed out random women walking by and pointed out similar features – which i myself did not see.

I think i know what i look like.  i see myself every day right??

it’s all about perception i s’pose.

one day a couple of years ago i actually met my doppelganger – standing in line waiting for my shawarma.
it was crazy to look at a person and see yourself staring back.  but that’s another blog for another day…and more for the blog next door.

so it got me to thinking – but of course 🙂

last year this time, i was bikini shopping for my amazing vacation.
(has it been a year already???)

i was stressed and nervous, but i also felt pretty good about myself.  it had been 3 months of clean eating and i had just incorporated turbo jam in to my routine.
the pounds were flying off…and so of course i was feeling good.

i felt damn good.  so good in fact, the bikini rarely stayed on…as we preferred to swim nekkid any chance we got!!!!
me.naked.
who knew?

it wasn’t a cockiness…far from it actually.  i think it was the first time in a long time i felt comfortable in my own skin and i didn’t give a crap what anyone thought about me…nekkid. lol

i look back at those pictures now – a year later…and i wonder – girl what were you thinking??
i mean good on me for feeling confidant and trying to rock the bikini…
but really…
what i saw last year i don’t see now.

a year has passed…and it’s amazing how much can change in one year.
i could probably write a novel about all the significant, life altering changes i’ve experienced in the past year.
i am not the same girl i was last year, and i don’t intend to be the same girl next year.
life is all about changing – and for once i am completely open to that.

so what’s changed on the health/diet/weight loss front since last year?

well…i’ve continued eating healthy (more often than not)
i work out at the gym at least 3 times a week
i’ve lost at least 10-15 pounds since then.

and when i put two pictures side by side…i can visually see the changes.

the pic on the left is last year (no i’m not nekkid lol), the pic on the right is just from a couple of weeks ago.

i see the changes in my body from last year to this year…
i see where i’ve lost the most weight (boobs and belly)
i can see that i’m more toned
i can see the weight loss still didn’t take away my dimples 🙂

so why does the mere thought of sporting a bikini make me want to hurl?
maybe cause what i see, i don’t really feel?

in my mind i don’t think i am anywhere near where i want to be in order to rock a bikini
i can’t even fathom putting one on and feeling comfortable.

so what changed since last year?  last year i was confidant enough to rock it…
why not now?

like i said…i can see the differences when you place the pictures side by side…but i just can’t mentally wrap my head around it i don’t think.
i think that when i look in the mirror – i still see bee from 2009.

and not to worry…summer is here kids…and i will be rockin’ a bikini whether i want to or not.  my attitude hasn’t changed.  i still don’t care what anyone thinks of me 🙂

one year – a lot of things change…some things just stay the same.

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movin’ on up

i don’t know why i did it this morning.
but i did.
maybe ’cause i woke up in a good mood, from having a good night.  maybe it was all that great inspiration i felt last night.
who knows.
maybe i thought i could handle anything thrown my way…’cause i am wonder woman don’t you know.
all i know is i haven’t done it since January….
and back then it made me feel great…made me feel awesomely amazing.

today not so much.
today it made me feel a little defeated…a little sad
a little pissed right off.

i went on the scale today.
duun dun duuunnnnnn (that’s scary music in case you were wondering)
yep i weighed myself.

I am three pounds heavier than i was in January.
three pounds.

if you feel the need to laugh at me like my lovely friend did… please don’t!
that’s 3 more pounds i have to contend with.

wasn’t it just the other day i mentioned that weight loss was no longer a focus of mine?
pffft
it is now.

i was warned at the gym…well not warned…but i was told that once i started working out with weights i would gain weight…but it would be muscle.
i get that.  i get that it’s a possibility.
i specifically recall my personal trainer asking me if i would be ok seeing the scale move UP because i would be gaining muscle…and i was like “oh yeah, no problem…s’all good”
apparently i am a liar cause this has obviously freaked.me.out.

could it be weight gain because i have been more lenient with the things i eat
ya know…my yogurt…that sinful, tasty sweet and salty popcorn?
is it possible that it’s the forbidden FAT?

i mean honestly…how would you know?  how could you know if it was muscle or fat?

i don’t feel any different. my clothes are not fitting tighter…on most days i feel ok with where i am…unless my hormones are at play.

i told you.  nothing good ever came out of the scale.  i would have been better off living in my own bubble.  my own little world…where scales never existed.

i don’t know why the hell i did that!

this is how i am going to weigh myself from now on!

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a whole new world

in terms of numbers on a scale
i have entered a whole new world.
a new set of 10’s i like to call it.
i passed a threshold and i am ecstatic!!

i had mentioned a couple of months ago that i decided to start using the scale to my advantage
and use it as a tool.
i crunched some numbers, did some research and decided there was a number that i was comfortable being…
if of course i had to be a number.

anyways, this morning i decided to weigh in
i haven’t weighed myself since before christmas…and the number was not disappointing then.

when i went for my personal assessment at the gym…she weighed me and even then the number was good.
i factored in that it was late in the day…i was wearing heavy shoes…etc

so like i said…i weighed myself this morning…and i am in a whole new world of numbers
the last time i owned a scale was a long, long time ago…but i really don’t think the scale has shown these digits since my early 20’s!!

this is crazy!

so as far as numbers go…i am 4 pounds away from my goal weight.
4 pounds people!!!!!!

i won’t be down 4 pounds for my 1 year anniversary of low carbing, i just don’t think losing 4 pounds in 4 weeks is possible…but then again i never thought i would be where i am either!
i really don’t care what the scale says when March hits…as long as it doesn’t go up!
it’s 4 pounds…and i am in no rush to lose them.

with my mom needing emergency surgery, i am just a ball of nerves
and i could totally eat myself out of house and home
or just not eat at all…
stress is funny like that…but i wrote about that next door…and i’ll just leave it there…where it belongs.
unless of course you are the praying type and care to throw a prayer out there for her…that would be cool and appreciated.

anywhooo…4 pounds baby…4pounds!!

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the numbers are in

 

i went to the doctor yesterday armed with a list (that’s a sign that you are getting older when you walk in with a list)
everything went almost perfectly.
almost.
 
I do believe i am as healthy as an Ox. (How healthy is an Ox anyways?) 
My doctor was very impressed with my eating/working out and weight loss.
I do have a work out related issue – apparently an inflamed tendon.  if Advil and ice doesn’t make it go away…a shot of cortisone will.  i told him it was an issue i could live with thank you very much.  no shots for this girl.
 
he is pretty much confidant that my cholesterol levels will show completely normal…and that everything looks awesome (OK, he didn’t say awesome but you know what i mean)
he was pretty much impressed with me…hello…who wouldn’t be 🙂
 
and then the dreaded weigh in.
i looked over at him and said…remember…i don’t want to know what i weigh
just my difference in weight from last year to this year.
So of course….
he told me what i weigh!!!!
insert vomity looking emoticon here.
he told me my weight.
 
if you follow my blog….you would already know i am anti-scales.  I am perfectly content not knowing how much i weigh.
ignorance is bliss kind of thing.
nothing good has ever come out of knowing that information.
 
I am not into numbers.  I don’t want to be defined by a number.  Now that i know what i weigh…i define myself.
my name is no longer Bee – i am # blah blah blah.
 
Everything went running through my head.  Well the number can’t be accurate….i was wearing heavy shoes, my clothes were still on, it’s that time of the month…of course i am heavier than normal.  I work out…so i am heavier because muscle weighs more than fat. etc etc etc
every.little.thing ran through my head.
 
Don’t get me wrong.  the number is not bad. Not bad at all. But who is to say what number is good??
I mean it’s an individual thing right?
 
Needless to say…i was traumatized.  Does this now give me a reason to follow my weight on my scale at home?  will i become obsessed with the number on the digital screen?
I’ve been there before….obsessing over a number that in the end means nothing at all to me.
I ended up literally throwing that scale out of the window and never looked back.
I know that i have lost weight…i know that my sizes have gone down…i know that i feel pretty damn good.
But then there he goes throwing a number in to my brain and i have been mulling it over in my head ever since.
I felt really good up until that point.  Now i feel that maybe my decision to stop trying to lose weight needs to be reconsidered.
see what #’s do?  they are the devil.  the devil i tell you.
he’s lucky i like him…otherwise i may have just pounded him!
 
But – i did lose weight.  in the double digits.  double digits my friends. (excuse me while i do my happy dance!!)
 
Let me say to those few people that felt it necessary to tell me “oh you’ve lost at least 20 pounds.  at least” that you were not only wrong…you also gave me a complex!
Being the height that i am, i can understand why some would assume that i may have lost twenty pounds
but 5 pounds on your body would look more like 10 pounds on my body.
so there.
it’s all relative.
 
So i am still chewing on my thoughts about this whole number thing.  I’ve come to the conclusion that i so need to get over it.
I am doing everything right…and seeing changes.  awesome changes.  it’s just a slllllloooowwww process.
 
Bottom line, i started making all these changes for my health.  first and foremost.
everything else is gravy.
 
my doctor says i’m made of awesome.  and who am i to argue with him?
 
And so i ended the day making dinner for my bff and hanging out catching up.  a little too late for little ol’ me…but worth it.  totally.
 
And…sorry for the blog yesterday.  i was testing out a theory…and i was right. but of course 🙂
 
So since it’s Hump Day and i am feeling kinda randy….i thought this song would be appropriate for today.


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the day has come

Finally!

I am off to see my doctor tomorrow and i am quite excited!!

I know, who really gets excited about going to the doctor?  Apparently i do!

I am really, really curious to see what kind of results i get this time around.  It’s been since last August since i’ve seen him…almost a year and a half.
Last time i was there…was the first time i was told that my cholesterol is starting to go above normal.  just a little…but just a little is a little too much for me.
i knew the day would come…after all it’s hereditary, and so it is my god given right to blame my daddio 🙂

And then there is the whole weighing part of it i cannot wait for.  My doctor rocks my socks.  He has learned not to tell me my weight.  I can always tell by his body language if it’s good or bad anyways.

This time i will ask him what my weight difference is from last year to this year.  Not that it will really be indicative of how much i have lost, because i assure you i gained at least 5 pounds during the months of Dec-March last year for sure.  that is when my eating was totally outta control.  So i will add another 5 pounds to whatever he tells me.

I might share here, i might not…depending how shy i get about the whole thing.
yes…it’s true.  sometimes i am shy.

Anyways wish me luck!

On to other news…today (well really yesterday) is my 5 year anniversary at work.  I get a nice fancy watch for my years of service.  It’s amazing how quickly time flies.

Happy Monday kids!
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