Tag Archives: weight gain

suck it up buttercup

when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol

so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas.  i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.

not this year.

the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.

but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.

i finally tried them on last night.

i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.

bah – and so on they went yesterday.  everything fit!!!  one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.

but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right.  yes i can do the zipper up on my pants.  yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be.  they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.

i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.

i just sulked – and today i feel panicked.  and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.

it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.

i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays.  i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.

but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it.  yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.

so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.

i gotta be patient.  i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.

someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.

i have a date with the elliptical tonight.  i have a feeling it’s going to kill me

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the proof is in my puddin’

i’ve gained weight.

there is no way to sugar coat it…or any way to deny it (believe me i’ve tried)
i’ve gained weight.

it was confirmed last weekend…when i went to go visit my family.
no – mom didn’t say i gained weight
she just didn’t say anything.  i already knew how i was feeling – but her lack of words said more than i wanted to hear

now when i say i’ve gained weight…we aren’t talking alot.  not alot at all.
enough that i can feel and see the difference.
my clothes still fit.  surprisingly enough…but they just don’t fit the same.
just enough to make me realize i either do something now or end up where i was a year and a half ago.

i get it.  there are more tragic things going on in the world than to worry about something so very insignificant
people are sick, people are dying, people are hurting.
most people would wish to have this ridiculous problem.
there are more important things happening in my own life to worry about the pounds i’ve put back on

it’s no big deal
this is how i am keeping my head screwed on.
it’s no big deal…
lather, rinse repeat.

it sets off alarm bells in my head.  but that’s a good thing.
to have alarms going off means that i am aware of the situation and i can stop it…now.
i’ve been on it – religiously for the past couple of weeks
clean eating and my 3 days at the gym.

the past couple of months have been busy.
it was summer and there were alot of social engagements going on.  i was a busy girl…and my regular day to day routine suffered for it.
it was fun – and i have no regrets…but that was the beginning of the downward spiral.
i also had some personal drama – that made me want to sit on the couch and eat comfort food instead of taking care of myself
that didn’t last long – but it happened and i am sure contributed to my gain.
people who are not worth it – should not be affecting my life that way
add on the insomnia and headache i’ve been nursing for about 3 weeks – which is most likely related to my last reason above…and i am just a hot mess.

i also got cocky.  i was at a very comfortable place when it came to my weight
and so i allowed myself to eat things – that most would consider healthy, but for me…and my PCOS…is a no no.

i started to eat sandwiches on multi grain bread – or burgers on multi grain buns
subs – again on multi grain bread
not every day – but perhaps once a week.
it’s now confirmed – that i just can’t do that.

and so yes…i’ve gained weight
i’ve taken a couple of days to feel sorry for myself…have a little cheese with my wine.
and now i am back to kicking some serious ass.

i am thinking of a trip to Greece in the summer
that means bikini wearing…lots and lots of bikini wearing.
i’ve got less than a year to get rockin’ abs.
i’ve got a goal on the horizon – i can do this.
i can do this right?

damn right i can

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movin’ on up

i don’t know why i did it this morning.
but i did.
maybe ’cause i woke up in a good mood, from having a good night.  maybe it was all that great inspiration i felt last night.
who knows.
maybe i thought i could handle anything thrown my way…’cause i am wonder woman don’t you know.
all i know is i haven’t done it since January….
and back then it made me feel great…made me feel awesomely amazing.

today not so much.
today it made me feel a little defeated…a little sad
a little pissed right off.

i went on the scale today.
duun dun duuunnnnnn (that’s scary music in case you were wondering)
yep i weighed myself.

I am three pounds heavier than i was in January.
three pounds.

if you feel the need to laugh at me like my lovely friend did… please don’t!
that’s 3 more pounds i have to contend with.

wasn’t it just the other day i mentioned that weight loss was no longer a focus of mine?
it is now.

i was warned at the gym…well not warned…but i was told that once i started working out with weights i would gain weight…but it would be muscle.
i get that.  i get that it’s a possibility.
i specifically recall my personal trainer asking me if i would be ok seeing the scale move UP because i would be gaining muscle…and i was like “oh yeah, no problem…s’all good”
apparently i am a liar cause this has obviously freaked.me.out.

could it be weight gain because i have been more lenient with the things i eat
ya know…my yogurt…that sinful, tasty sweet and salty popcorn?
is it possible that it’s the forbidden FAT?

i mean honestly…how would you know?  how could you know if it was muscle or fat?

i don’t feel any different. my clothes are not fitting tighter…on most days i feel ok with where i am…unless my hormones are at play.

i told you.  nothing good ever came out of the scale.  i would have been better off living in my own bubble.  my own little world…where scales never existed.

i don’t know why the hell i did that!

this is how i am going to weigh myself from now on!

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oy vay

with all my red meat options out there….i decided on the salad bar tonight

and felt worlds better about my decision.

i am so tired of all the food here.  don’t get me wrong…i did love it, but i am so ready to get back to some sense of routine…and that would include a lifestyle of healthy eating and working out.

watching the sun set in texas has been an experience…one i could never describe in words actually.

the Capri’s and the flip-flops and the hospitality have been so very much-needed.

the beer…the southern cut french fries…and the ever-present red meat…oy…i need an intervention.

my driver hosted a party the other night…and made 20 rib eye steaks and 18 fajitas…told me i would never experience this hospitality anywhere else.  i would have to agree.  this of course was after his personal invite to me.  he welcomed me to his home with his family…after days of knowing me. 

i took in an amazing piece of american history last night.  scratch that…world wide history…as i made my way around down town Dallas…after another steak dinner.  i was actually surprised at my own reaction.  i fought the tears from falling…and i don’t really know why i became so emotional over JFK…other than the obvious.  to stand where he was killed…took me over, and surprised me.

i felt myself so caught up in the moment.  overwhelmed really.
so many pictures to prove it.

i am surrounded by amazing people.  and if my heart wasn’t so lonely for those i love the most…i could stay here forever…and eat steak and fried beer…and fried twinkies wrapped in bacon (ewwwwwww!)
and i would be a 300 pound hottie i tell you.

off i go.  i have a lake waiting for me. i have a lot of writing to do there.

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