Tag Archives: truth

lesson learned

about a year ago i bought a pair of pants

nothing special. just my favourite brand of black jeans

they were my “goal” pants

i purposely bought them a couple sizes smaller than what i was

these pants were my motivation – my end goal

they hung in my closet patiently waiting for me to get in to them already

these pants barely made it past my thighs

they definitely didn’t get past my hips never mind actually buttoning up

this morning in my 5am just woke up haze – i went and grabbed a pair of pants for work – threw them on
and they felt a little snug

what?

no way my regular pants would feel so “form fitting”

and that is when i realized i grabbed the wrong pair

and there i was in my “goal” pants. buttoned and zippered up

they battled my thighs and won!!!

i was in awe

sure – they were tight. *ahem* perhaps painted on tight

but damn they fit!!!!!!!!

and so i went to work with a perma smile

i was in my goal pants!!!!!!!

but the more the day passed…the more uncomfortable i was

i felt like a piggy in a blanket

i felt bigger than i ever have in my whole life!!!!

i finally pulled out my white flag – and unbuttoned the pants – right there at my desk
and let my poor little sausage roll belly breathe

it’s not total defeat
i mean they got on. they were comfortable in the morning
where as i have never ever been able to get them past my hips

so that’s a fucking win

but

i learned a lesson today

just because something fits – doesn’t mean you should wear it

here’s to hoping that next year – i will have to give them away because they are just too big

in the mean time i will just hang out in my yoga pants

they never judge
and never ever make me feel like a sausage roll

cheers

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perception

the past few months have really been huge

there has been a shift in me
in my energy

in my perception

life isn’t easy…let’s not pretend

life can be hard – stressful
it can shake you down

or it can build you up

i got tired of the negative voice in my head

no i’m not a negative person by default
but i am human – and i let things get to me

add to that how very analytical my brain is – and doesn’t shut off

well it can be a mess in there

then i started to think

about losses

things in my life that i felt i lost
or let go of
because i wasn’t good enough to have them etc

i wasn’t worthy

everything i have lost is my doing

blah blah blah

all these self defeating thoughts
going round and round like a loop in my head

making me feel really unlovable
i couldn’t even like myself

all these damn things

these things that were weighing me down
were not actually things
but me

no one or nothing can have that kind of power over you
unless you allow them to

it really is that simple
and that hard
all in the same breath

the things i have “lost”
i never lost
they weren’t mine to begin with

things that made me feel bad
bad about me, bad about life, bad about everything

those things never belonged to me either

i’m pretty fucking awesome kids

i have a good life – borderline great
i have amazing family and friends
people who would do anything for me

i have love – lots of it
and i feel it every single day of my life
even on those days that the world seems a little dark

losses are not mine to own
feelings of not being enough don’t belong here in this house i keep either

i keep my circle small
because i am aware of what and who i deserve

i know my worth

the rest is just noise
the rest is baggage
the rest is unworthy of a moment of your precious time

and once it clicked

i mean really clicked

shit started changing

my mood

my energy

my laughter

i felt lighter
literally and figuratively

​it seemed like as soon as my mind and my body connected this
the weight started coming off overnight!​

stress is a heavy load to carry
and i carried the weight of the world on my shoulders

once i actually realized my worth

what i give to the universe

to those closest to me

the endless supply of my love and affection of those deserving

it seemed my life changed in the blink of an eye

i can’t explain it any more or any less

it just is what it is

change your perception

and see what changes in you

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game on

it’s official

i just booked my vacation today!!!!

i cannot believe how blessed my life is

i made a promise to myself a few years ago – to simply travel more

go and live and love my life

and now my countdown can officially begin!!!!

my nutrition has been on point
but my working out has been non existent

come monday – that is all going to change

not that there’s anything wrong with my current bikini body
but a little exercise can’t hurt

so often we talk about physical health/transformation

what about mental health?
spiritual health?

a couple of years ago i promised to take care of me
in all aspects

my soul being priority

this vacation has set my soul on fire

i can’t wait!

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hangover

i had an unplanned cheat meal yesterday

i met up with friends for dinner last night
at my favourite little family owned restaurant
known for it’s kick ass amazing pizza

i didn’t go in there thinking i was going to eat pizza

but that’s exactly what i ended up doing

it was a last minute decision – with zero guilt

i have stayed on course – i’ve been doing great
and i know from other times
one cheat meal is not going to derail me

actually – in the past it has actually helped me!

ugh but man oh man
is my body ever punishing me

i have not felt well since last night

i’ve been popping tums like candy
drinking a ton of water
and all i want to do is sleep

sure – daylight savings probably isn’t helping

but i know a carb hangover when i feel it

and this is definitely what’s going on

after detoxing for over 2 months
my body once again reminded me
how much it loathes carbs

(even though my mouth seems to rather enjoy them at the time)

lesson learned

till of course
i find myself in a sushi restaurant
unable to say no

but based on how i have been feeling all day

that ain’t happening any time soon

moral of the story

we all fall down from time to time

the important thing is how quickly you get back up
wipe yourself off
and start again

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truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…

sooooo

in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!
lol

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
anyways…
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
anyways.
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

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