Tag Archives: thoughts

facing a fear and its name is Zumba

i’ve been meaning to blog about this for days now – but i have been busy and sick
poor me right?

i can do alot of things alone. i actually enjoy doing things alone.

i have no problem going to dinner, the movies, road trips on my own.
i once debated going to a resort on my own – just for the peace of mind – but a part of me thinks that might just be too much alone time.

when i was in college and money was tight – i would still treat myself to an over the top dinner at a restaurant on my own..about once a month.
i would sit there and sip on my wine and write.
i would over tip – because i found the experience and the quiet so amazingly wonderful.

apparently there are some things i think that i can’t do alone.
one was go to the gym.
it was imperative that i had someone to go with me – otherwise i knew that i would not go and it would be a waste of money.
as i’ve mentioned before over here – i used to have great anxiety over walking into a gym alone.

same goes for the Zumba class i wanted to go to.
i somehow felt more secure jumping around like an idiot if i had someone i knew doing it with me.

no one wanted to go with me.  so i had two choices.  either face my fear head on
or just not go.

so i put on my fat pants and sat on my couch – feeling guilty as every second passed by.

LB gave me a good talking to.  this is something i have wanted to do forever.  she told me i didn’t need anyone
she said i would come home and wonder why i didn’t do it sooner.

and so i went.

and oh my god – i loved it!!!!!!!

sure, i was scared. i was born with two left feet.  i can’t dance unless i’ve consumed alcoholic beverages
and i am sure even then i just think i can dance
but probably look like a big ol’ fool.

my instructor is amazing.  she made me feel ever so welcome and has all these crazy ass moves that i know my hips were never designed to do.
i didn’t care – when in doubt – jump around like a mad fool!!!!

i felt a little bad – cause i spent the hour just staring at her ass.
it made me feel like a pervert…
but i had no idea what i was doing – and apparently you gotta do alot with your ass in these classes.
and so i had to stare.
If you are reading this Suellen i am sorry 🙂

when i was done i felt amazing.  it was some great cardio – and i was sweating from head to toe!!

i drove home – which is 8 minutes away…and when i went to get out of my car i was already sore
uh-oh
that can’t be good.

that was Friday – it is now Tuesday and only today did i start walking like i wasn’t 80.
my body has never, ever hurt that bad.  ever.

that bad side to this – if there ever is a bad side…
i was so pumped up after my class – i was awake until 2am!!!!!!
guess i won’t be doing a Monday night class if i plan on working the next day

So i faced one of my fears – and i plan on going back for more.
i don’t need anyone to go with me – i am perfectly capable of making an ass out of myself in front of strangers and feel ok about it 🙂

i’ve come down with some crappy head cold – i am hoping it’s gone by Friday so i can go jump around
like a mad crazy ass fool!!

i have a new addiction.  Zumba rocks my socks!

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do you know what peace of mind costs these days?

500 bucks

true story.

my car cost me 500 bucks.  there wasn’t even anything seriously wrong with it.  my check engine light came on because my spark plugs were misfiring.

it was also in need for a serious tune up.

not only could i not make it to the gym tonight – but i am also broke.

peace of mind ain’t cheap these days.
Zumba class tomorrow kids!!!!!!!  i am so nervous.  i found out my instructor to be is my next door neighbour – and i have a feeling she is going to whoop my ass.
ahhh what crushes are made of lol

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the universe said – let it go

i love the freedom working from home gives me.
i don’t do it often, but oh how i love it when i do.

today, when lunch time rolled around…i got into my work out clothes
and went to the gym and spent my half hour off – doing some cardio.

i loved it!!!!

when i got there, i forgot to take my sweatshirt off – i suppose because i was so cold

i see other people all bundled up working out and think to myself – my lord that person is going to die from the heat…how do they do it?!?!

but it was good!!!  i sweat more – and so i felt like i got more out if it.
it was great – and the place was a ghost town which is even better!
i got home – and went back to work.

it was a productive week.

now on to completely unrelated news…and a shout out to the universe:

as i was in my car today – i looked up and looked at an air freshener i’ve had for years – seriously – at least 5 years.
my ex had given to me it as a gift of some sort.

obviously it didn’t work as an air freshener for the longest time…but i loved it.
it is a little stiletto heel – and i have never been able to find one like it…
so i kept it – for its cuteness factor.
i have zero sentimental attachment to this thing…it’s just something i like to look at.

so as i was driving i was just wondering to myself if i should just throw it away
yeah it was cute – but it wasn’t anything i needed…and i don’t want to hold on to things that have no place in my life (like gifts from ex’s)

as i pondered this for a few minutes, i looked up at it – and literally in that exact moment
it fell off my rear view mirror and on the the floor.
the part that held it there completely disintegrated.

i guess i got my answer ehh?
another lesson in letting go.

i love me some universe!

hope you all have a great weekend – it’s going to be a good one!!!

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right up my alley

i found this the other night – and it just screamed my name.  i am sure many of you can relate!

on to other news…i managed 45 minutes of cardio yesterday, and it felt good.  damn good.  i cannot wait to get my butt back there tomorrow!

nothing else to report.  i am off to grab that glass of wine now and read a book.  a perfect ending to a very long day.

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suck it up buttercup

when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol

so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas.  i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.

not this year.

the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.

but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.

i finally tried them on last night.

i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.

bah – and so on they went yesterday.  everything fit!!!  one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.

but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right.  yes i can do the zipper up on my pants.  yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be.  they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.

i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.

i just sulked – and today i feel panicked.  and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.

it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.
lol

i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays.  i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.

but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it.  yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.

so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.

i gotta be patient.  i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.

someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.

i have a date with the elliptical tonight.  i have a feeling it’s going to kill me

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words to live by

i have seen this several times and loved it every single time i read it.  i tend to delete forwards i receive, but something made me open the forward i got last night…and this writing was the forward.  i also found this posted on a friends facbook this morning.

i think the universe is trying to tell me i need to spread the word 🙂  Enjoy:

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing”.

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it’s all about me

today was a perfect Sunday – i made it all about me.

I may regret that as the week goes on, but i needed a day that didn’t involve cooking or house cleaning, laundry and sweating my butt off at the gym (although the latter has been at the bottom of my priority list as of late)
there was no way i was going to attempt Christmas shopping – i did that yesterday and ended up in a foul mood.  not even 15 minutes into my shopping i was telling off a lady.  who needs to be that angry?
anyways – that’s a blog for another day and another place.
i will get the rest of my presents when my vacation begins.

the day began with a much needed sleep in – all the critters pretty much allowed me a decent sleep.  that never happens.

so the day started off with brunch.  considering it was well into the afternoon and i hadn’t had anything to eat – of course the whole menu looked amazing.  do you know that this place makes smores pancakes???????
the fat girl in me begged for me to order those…until of course she saw the BLT with sweet potato fries.  i swear she drooled.

the skinny bitch in me took over – how she got control over the situation is beyond me….

anyways, for brunch today i had 7 grain pancakes with flax seed – and sugar free maple syrup.

i had never had that before – and truth be told i probably never will again.  lol

they were great when they were fresh – but once they got a little cold – it was – well it was…gross.  there is no other word i could use.

but you know what?  if i had the BLT with sweet potato fries – i would have spent the rest of my day feeling guilty and beating myself up.
that doesn’t sound like the best way to spend my all about me day!!

then i went and had a manicure – swoon.
this time a guy did it.  the hand massage felt “weird” – i’ve never had a man give me a manicure before.
he was tough and aggressive…no other way to explain.  his hands were rough and “manly”
i am used to a woman giving me my manicures – it was odd but he did an amazing job

the rest of the day was low key – connected with a few people and had a late afternoon nap.

now… what to have for dinner??

i think  a hot bubble bath is in order 🙂

i was debating going out for a few drinks – but that’s undecided.  maybe i will, maybe i won’t.
the point is – it’s all about me…and i’ll do whatever i want.

back to the real, cruel world tomorrow!

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let the games begin

the next 2 days are going to be interesting.
by interesting i mean craaaaaaazy.

we have meetings back to back for two days straight.  not just any meeting.  we are talking about pretty much the whole company being flown out to a more central location for these meetings.  all the head honchos from the states are coming in too.
everyone is probably here as i type this.
it’s the type of meeting where you dress a little fancier, watch your p’s and q’s – and apparently refer to some of these higher ups as “Mr. so and so” god forbid you use someones first name.
i’ve debated taking out some of my piercings – but screw that.  this is me – the person they hired.  if they don’t like it – oh well.
(i don’t think anyone i am referring to reads this blog lol – it’s a little too lowly for them anyways)

i looked over my agenda and they never indicated any breathing time.  this is going to be intense!  i am looking forward to putting some faces to voices…and seeing some of my favourite people in the flesh again.
The Hilton by the airport is probably happenin’ tonight.  i am not sorry to be missing the shop talk but a little sorry i will be missing the ever flowing wine.
i think the hotel is completely booked with us.  i opted out of spending the nights there.
a sure sign that i am getting older.  i would rather sleep in my own bed and be in my own home.

so with these meetings comes the what the hell do i eat panic.
i can assure you that when break time comes i will be teased with bagels, muffins, donuts and anything else that is so not carb friendly.

we are getting lunches catered….but they only make exceptions for vegetarians.
this is where i get a little irked.
how hard is it to make someone something without…say rice or pasta?
anyway, i can always just not eat it…but then i hear my Greek mother yelling at me in my mind about all the starving children in the world…
and i swear i can feel her smack me.
true story.

dinner is a buffet so i am sure i can work around that.

the beverages will be flowing – but i feel no pressure partaking in the drinking festivities…as i have to drive home.
oh my boys will be so disappointed in me…
i leave as the real fun begins.

boo.

keep me in your thoughts.  i could snap

i’ll be up extra early tomorrow morning.  first stop – McDonald’s (for coffee) and then Shoppers for some snacks that will hopefully get me through the next 48 hours.

let the games begin!!!

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happy dance in aisle 4

oh the things that make me deliriously happy.

i decided that i would make my chicken, cheese wraps tonight.

if you know one thing about me through this blog is….i am not a fan of chicken.
i don’t like handling it – at all.
it kinda makes me want to toss my cookies.  and the clean up i need to do afterwards is a little OCD-ish
it’s really odd – i know this.
but hey – i yam what i yam.

the end result is awesome -extremely tasty.
it’s the getting there that is a little troublesome.
just touching the chicken…never mind cutting the breasts in half and beating the crap out of them
it does a number on my gag reflex

so i was mentally preparing myself all day today…as i often do when i have to do things i don’t wanna do.

i get to the grocery store and pick up my breasts.
wait – not my breasts – the chicken breasts
i start walking away and out of the corner of my eye i catch something i’ve never seen at the grocery store before

thin cut chicken breasts.

wooohaaaaa!

i almost did my happy dance right there in the poultry aisle.

sure it cost twice as much
expensive chicken let me tell you

but keeping my sanity – absolutely priceless

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