Tag Archives: thoughts

self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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slight glitch

so i’ve been a work out machine over the past few months

the odd part of it all?

i am loving it. i think that “loving” could be an understatement actually

it’s the highlight of my day – almost every single day

i am in love with Shaun T and his Cize dvd’s
seriously i cannot get enough

So over the weekend
i was wired. i don’t know where my energy came from
but i had a lot of it

i worked out for 2 hours on the Saturday
and i felt amazing

Sunday i did another hour and a half
and when i was done
my ankle just felt “off”

so i did what any other sane person would do
and did another hour on Monday

by the end of that work out
i was in pain
soooo much pain

i managed to get myself showered – and almost fell going up the stairs

i could barely put any weight on my foot

look down…and my ankle had been replaced by a softball
or so it seemed

and what did i do the next day?
loaded up on advil – bought an ankle support thingy – hobbled the whole day through
and still intended on working out
(how i am not really sure)

it didn’t happen

i ended up going to the walk in on wednesday
i could have swore something was cracked in there

(i should mention, i parked two blocks away…on purpose…to get more exercise – yes even though i believed i might have a fractured ankle.  i’m a sad human)

after a few xrays – i was all clear
no fracture

just a bad sprain – caused by the bad sprain i had a couple years ago

no working out for at least a week

what??!?!?!

the doc said i was able to go on walks though

ok….
so i will walk

10k is not considered a work out is it?

cause that’s what i was going to do. that night i got dressed…not giving a damn what i looked like
(and i looked ahhhmazing)

ankle.jpg

i started my very fast paced 10k

until i stopped

and managed 4k
4k too many i think

because wow – by the time i got home
i had tears in my eyes
and couldn’t even get myself to the couch

advil and ice
my new best friends

but the problem my friends is….

i just can’t sit still

so i did it again tonight

i debated working out – but talked myself out of it

took a new scenic route today
and almost cried

i’d say about 60% of that walk was on an incline
and my ankle doesn’t seem to like it that much

but i made it

barely

i’m stretched out on my couch
icing my poor excuse for an ankle

feeling somewhat defeated
but thinking of ways to still get my groove on

you know what’s a little frightening?

i am getting more exercise with a bummed out ankle
than i was just a few months ago
when i was physically capable
almost twice as much from what my fitbit is telling me

another scary thought?

i’ve been at this for quite some time
and don’t really notice a physical difference
which is really defeating
other people have commented
but the weight loss is excruciatingly sloooowwwwww

it’s true
the older you get
the harder it is to drop the weight
and that’s a sad sad realization
when i know i will be in a bathing suit in about a month

poor me

so that’s it

i’m sitting here
ankle throbbing
convinced i will be cured
and will get my groove on in my underpants tomorrow

positive thinking never hurt right?

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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i’m a freak

walking out my front door at 6am
and coming back through it at 9 sometimes 10pm
doesn’t give me much time for anything

this has been my life for about 2 months
mostly this past month

work is insane
and i think i am going insane

i can barely get my butt to bed
never mind working out

add to that the element of comfort eating
and well
it’s not pretty

today i decided
work be damned…
and left the office after my normal 8 hour day

i needed a break
i needed time away from there

and i also reallllly needed a bowl of chips to snack on

i decided to drive home
and said to myself
“self….
if you want to snack on chips tonight, you have to walk to the store
and then take the long way back home”

it’s December
it’s windy and cold
and i tend to not go outdoors unless i absolutely have to between November – April

but i wanted those chips

so i bundled myself up
and off i went

wow
who knew something unhealthy
would motivate me to do something healthy?
i assure you, if i were out of lettuce…i’d never leave the house

so 5kms later
i was home, with a bag of chips
chips i have zero interest in snacking on by the way

i got home and turned on the satellite radio
and one of my favourite songs came on

all of a sudden, i am off my couch
dancing around like an idiot

see, this white girl has no rhythm
but i didn’t care
i had the house to myself
i could flop around like a moron all i wanted
no one would know

except the dogs
i am sure they were judging me

next thing i know
a half hour passes
and i am sweating and feeling so freaking amazing

i have been so wound up
so over the top stressed
my body needed this release!!

i just haven’t had any time to be physical
at all

my life is not going to calm down any time soon
but what i learned tonight
is that i need some me time

thanks to NK – for making me see
that if i don’t take time to take care of myself
i can’t take care of what needs to be done

you dear sir
are the reason i danced my zero rhythm ass off

here’s to hoping
that i can get out there again
without chips being my reward

hey it’s a start
but you gotta start somewhere

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learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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finding myself

umm hi
remember me?

i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss

let me tell you something.

i’ve been lost.
so very lost

i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.

i’ve had good intentions.  honestly.

but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.

alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.

i’ve been through some serious life changes.  lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.

it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.

i’ve maintained pretty well considering.

obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.

let me tell you something.  just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.

it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.

i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.

how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?

*sigh*

it’s true…my time is limited.  i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.

i have motivation – somewhere in there

i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.

and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.

i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.

i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.

it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.

it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.

besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.

truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again

i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.

i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.

i just need help.

just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…

if i don’t – evil wins

and i am better than that

better than them.

help me find my mojo?


//

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a girl’s gotta try

i am very well aware that there is no magic pill i can take that will make me skinny and healthy.

if there was an easy way to drop the weight – a miracle pill of some sort – i would have already sold my soul to the devil for it.

it took years to understand that exercise and eating healthy are the only sure fire things that work.
(although if you know someone who has some magic potion – do send it my way)

there’s been so much talk lately about raspberry ketone.
have you heard of this???

let me just state that this is not a weight loss promise pill – this is not a diet pill…
this is exactly as it sounds…an all natural pill…made from raspberries.

Dr. Oz talked about it on his show (i haven’t seen it, but just do a google search if you are curious) and this is what he says about it
Raspberry ketone is the primary aroma compound of red raspberries, and is a safe and healthy supplement with no side effects. This compound regulates adiponectin, a hormone that causes your body too boost metabolism. In turn, the fat within your cells gets broken up more effectively, helping your body burn fat faster and more efficiently. In order to get enough ketone to have an effect on the way your body burns its excess fat, you would need to consume 90 pounds of raspberries! But, just 100mg of the supplement per day is enough to get your body burning fat the way you want it to.

So yes…i will admit – curiosity got the best of me….and off i went tonight and purchased a 30 day supply.
it was rather expensive…it works out to almost a dollar a pill.but hey – what do i have to lose?  if i don’t lose a pound or two – so what.
if it actually gives this middle aged chick a boost in her metabolism…why not?

and if it does absolutely nothing????
well just call me loser.  and not in the good sense of the word 🙂
at least it smells and tastes lovely.

Have any of you tried this?  any stories – whether it worked or not?

if you are curious like me…click here for the Dr. Oz episode.

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i’ve got da fevah!

i have a serious case of spring fever!

i don’t know how it is where you are, but in my neck of the woods…the weather has been absolutely gorgeous.
i think we reached a high of 18 degrees today!!
unfortunately my life is so crazy busy, i don’t even have time to look out the window let alone go outside and actually enjoy it.

i was on the phone working, trying to eat some lunch and taking a peek out the window – wishing i could be outside, feeling the sun on my face.
oh well – mamma’s gotta make a living right???

at the end of the day i got in to my car – and the whole drive home i had the windows down
it was heaven.
absolute heaven!!

i haven’t been to the gym this week.  i had every intention of going…
but with weather like this – i couldn’t bare the thought of being indoors.

all the things i had to do were floating through my head.  there was the general daily cleaning stuff still waiting for me
dinner had to be made, lunch and snacks etc etc etc
you know – i am going to make an amazing housewife some day 😉

anyways…

so – i decided to go back to my original work out.  my long walks.
this time i have my puppy as a companion – and she gives me a good run for my money let me tell you.
i live in such a beautiful part of the city – there is always something to see – some critter to meet.
i love it here…so i want to explore it as much as i can.

i am still sore from Zumba class the other night
my crazy instructor had me doing some crazy moves with my hips
crazy i tell ya
she’s crazy!!!  (in a totally good way)
and in case you are wondering – nope…i still don’t have rhythm.
and yup…i still don’t care
lol

i feel a walk in my whole body.  i ache and am a little sore and i love it!
not only is it good for me…but it’s good for my crazy hyper puppy – who generally doesn’t get enough exercise during the week.
so it’s a win-win

the house is finally settled.
i am ready for my day tomorrow.

my neighbours are sitting outside relaxing by candlelight
i think i am going to pour myself a glass of wine and follow their lead
how could i not.

 



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facing a fear and its name is Zumba

i’ve been meaning to blog about this for days now – but i have been busy and sick
poor me right?

i can do alot of things alone. i actually enjoy doing things alone.

i have no problem going to dinner, the movies, road trips on my own.
i once debated going to a resort on my own – just for the peace of mind – but a part of me thinks that might just be too much alone time.

when i was in college and money was tight – i would still treat myself to an over the top dinner at a restaurant on my own..about once a month.
i would sit there and sip on my wine and write.
i would over tip – because i found the experience and the quiet so amazingly wonderful.

apparently there are some things i think that i can’t do alone.
one was go to the gym.
it was imperative that i had someone to go with me – otherwise i knew that i would not go and it would be a waste of money.
as i’ve mentioned before over here – i used to have great anxiety over walking into a gym alone.

same goes for the Zumba class i wanted to go to.
i somehow felt more secure jumping around like an idiot if i had someone i knew doing it with me.

no one wanted to go with me.  so i had two choices.  either face my fear head on
or just not go.

so i put on my fat pants and sat on my couch – feeling guilty as every second passed by.

LB gave me a good talking to.  this is something i have wanted to do forever.  she told me i didn’t need anyone
she said i would come home and wonder why i didn’t do it sooner.

and so i went.

and oh my god – i loved it!!!!!!!

sure, i was scared. i was born with two left feet.  i can’t dance unless i’ve consumed alcoholic beverages
and i am sure even then i just think i can dance
but probably look like a big ol’ fool.

my instructor is amazing.  she made me feel ever so welcome and has all these crazy ass moves that i know my hips were never designed to do.
i didn’t care – when in doubt – jump around like a mad fool!!!!

i felt a little bad – cause i spent the hour just staring at her ass.
it made me feel like a pervert…
but i had no idea what i was doing – and apparently you gotta do alot with your ass in these classes.
and so i had to stare.
If you are reading this Suellen i am sorry 🙂

when i was done i felt amazing.  it was some great cardio – and i was sweating from head to toe!!

i drove home – which is 8 minutes away…and when i went to get out of my car i was already sore
uh-oh
that can’t be good.

that was Friday – it is now Tuesday and only today did i start walking like i wasn’t 80.
my body has never, ever hurt that bad.  ever.

that bad side to this – if there ever is a bad side…
i was so pumped up after my class – i was awake until 2am!!!!!!
guess i won’t be doing a Monday night class if i plan on working the next day

So i faced one of my fears – and i plan on going back for more.
i don’t need anyone to go with me – i am perfectly capable of making an ass out of myself in front of strangers and feel ok about it 🙂

i’ve come down with some crappy head cold – i am hoping it’s gone by Friday so i can go jump around
like a mad crazy ass fool!!

i have a new addiction.  Zumba rocks my socks!

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