Tag Archives: stress

i’m a freak

walking out my front door at 6am
and coming back through it at 9 sometimes 10pm
doesn’t give me much time for anything

this has been my life for about 2 months
mostly this past month

work is insane
and i think i am going insane

i can barely get my butt to bed
never mind working out

add to that the element of comfort eating
and well
it’s not pretty

today i decided
work be damned…
and left the office after my normal 8 hour day

i needed a break
i needed time away from there

and i also reallllly needed a bowl of chips to snack on

i decided to drive home
and said to myself
“self….
if you want to snack on chips tonight, you have to walk to the store
and then take the long way back home”

it’s December
it’s windy and cold
and i tend to not go outdoors unless i absolutely have to between November – April

but i wanted those chips

so i bundled myself up
and off i went

wow
who knew something unhealthy
would motivate me to do something healthy?
i assure you, if i were out of lettuce…i’d never leave the house

so 5kms later
i was home, with a bag of chips
chips i have zero interest in snacking on by the way

i got home and turned on the satellite radio
and one of my favourite songs came on

all of a sudden, i am off my couch
dancing around like an idiot

see, this white girl has no rhythm
but i didn’t care
i had the house to myself
i could flop around like a moron all i wanted
no one would know

except the dogs
i am sure they were judging me

next thing i know
a half hour passes
and i am sweating and feeling so freaking amazing

i have been so wound up
so over the top stressed
my body needed this release!!

i just haven’t had any time to be physical
at all

my life is not going to calm down any time soon
but what i learned tonight
is that i need some me time

thanks to NK – for making me see
that if i don’t take time to take care of myself
i can’t take care of what needs to be done

you dear sir
are the reason i danced my zero rhythm ass off

here’s to hoping
that i can get out there again
without chips being my reward

hey it’s a start
but you gotta start somewhere

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a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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just the way my life goes

i had a horrible day yesterday.  i am not even going to get into the why’s – it was just horrible.
i was in a terrible mood for the whole day – and of course could not fall asleep at a decent hour – my mind was just a-goin’

i woke up late this morning – but in a much better mood
and i mean much better.  i didn’t feel like ripping anyone’s face off – so that was an improvement.

i am driving to work, listening to my music – in a great mood.
i put my car into fifth gear – and it does something.  i say “something” because i am not quite sure what exactly it did.
it was almost as if 5th gear didn’t register – as if i was floating for not even 2 seconds.
it was very quick – but it was noticeable.
as soon as it went back to “normal” the check engine light came on.
oy.

the next 25 minutes was a ride full of anxiety – i was never happier to be parked at work.

i spent the rest of the day feeling anxious and nervous – would the car be ok to get me home?
thank god i was incredibly busy – so that kept my mind half occupied for the day.

i drove home tonight.  nothing like driving for 35-40 minutes white knuckling it all the way…heart in my throat
i stopped at home to unload my car and grab my puppy – and off we went to drop the car to the mechanic.

i will be without car tomorrow so i will be working from home – praying to the car gods that this won’t cost me alot of money

the pup and i did have a wonderful walk home though – and i guess that will be all the exercise i will be getting today.
boo.
my sick car forced me to make a change of plans – and so the gym will have to wait until tomorrow.

oh and did i mention that as of the end of next month i have completely paid off my car???

of course life would work that way.  i expect nothing less.

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short shorts and a random brain

i am feeling much better today – thanks to those concerned 🙂
although i gotta say that the day didn’t get better and my morning started off terribly!
when it rains it pours i guess.

i bought a pair of work out shorts the other day.
since it’s summer and work outs are getting harder because of the heat
i decided i should wear as little clothing as possible.  a pair of work out shorts seemed like a brilliant idea
so i put them on and walked over to the gym (my third day in a row – can you say sore muscles?)
i was rocking the shorts.

i started my work out…and don’t the shorts constantly bunch up?
there is nothing harder than moving like a maniac on an elliptical and trying to pull your shorts down at the same time
these things were riding so high i am sure the people behind me saw the full moon a couple of hours early 🙂
normally…as you know…i care not what other people think
but seriously?  no one needed to see that.  i felt so insecure…wondering how much of my ass was hanging out.
so i am rethinking the shorts.  maybe i will keep them for hanging out at home.
the shorts were a bad idea.  good intentions – bad idea.
i may as well have just gone to the gym in my skivvies.

it was a frustrating workout – but i got through it.

got my iced coffee as my reward for keeping my shorts on and headed home to cook dinner.

dinner was cooked (not so hard as i had quite a bit of leftovers), dishes done…time to chill for a little.
i started to doze off when the phone rang.  it was my beautiful niece.
she had stories to share.
she was talking so fast and was so super hyper i only made out a couple of words.  my mom came on the phone to translate.
turns out that the little brat just decided to leave her house and go to my parents house.  by.herself.
insert heart in my throat emoticon here.

she is 2 and a half years old and she is walking up the street alone.
crazy child…and bad daddy.
she on the other hand was very impressed with her independent jaunt
oh man she is gonna be trouble when she gets older…i can feel it in my bones lol
so much like auntie bee this one is

i intended to wake up this morning earlier than normal
i wanted to stop and order a cake for a very special someone before work

i woke up and felt “off”.  looked at the clock and there was no time displayed
ran out to the main room and noticed all the power was off.
oy.
what time is it?????
i slept in by 20 min.  got ready so fast…thank god the hot water had not run out…
but i had no hair dryer or straightener
i am looking like a mad woman today.
a kind coworker told me that crazy hair is in this summer…god bless her soul.
biotch

things can only get better
besides i have a very important date this evening…
now there’s something to look forward to!

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stress eating

i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.
completely.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

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one year

On Saturday, while sitting on a bench…taking a breather from shopping…
i became engrossed in people watching – i love it.

a girl walked by me that caught my eye…and so i did a double take.
i looked over at my lovely shopping companion and mentioned to her…that i thought the woman walking by looked just like me – body wise.

she looked at me as if i had 3 heads and said “is that really what you think you look like?”

ummm yeah…that’s what i mean by she looks just like me lol

apparently she didn’t see it.  not even close she said.  she then pointed out random women walking by and pointed out similar features – which i myself did not see.

I think i know what i look like.  i see myself every day right??

it’s all about perception i s’pose.

one day a couple of years ago i actually met my doppelganger – standing in line waiting for my shawarma.
it was crazy to look at a person and see yourself staring back.  but that’s another blog for another day…and more for the blog next door.

so it got me to thinking – but of course 🙂

last year this time, i was bikini shopping for my amazing vacation.
(has it been a year already???)

i was stressed and nervous, but i also felt pretty good about myself.  it had been 3 months of clean eating and i had just incorporated turbo jam in to my routine.
the pounds were flying off…and so of course i was feeling good.

i felt damn good.  so good in fact, the bikini rarely stayed on…as we preferred to swim nekkid any chance we got!!!!
me.naked.
who knew?

it wasn’t a cockiness…far from it actually.  i think it was the first time in a long time i felt comfortable in my own skin and i didn’t give a crap what anyone thought about me…nekkid. lol

i look back at those pictures now – a year later…and i wonder – girl what were you thinking??
i mean good on me for feeling confidant and trying to rock the bikini…
but really…
what i saw last year i don’t see now.

a year has passed…and it’s amazing how much can change in one year.
i could probably write a novel about all the significant, life altering changes i’ve experienced in the past year.
i am not the same girl i was last year, and i don’t intend to be the same girl next year.
life is all about changing – and for once i am completely open to that.

so what’s changed on the health/diet/weight loss front since last year?

well…i’ve continued eating healthy (more often than not)
i work out at the gym at least 3 times a week
i’ve lost at least 10-15 pounds since then.

and when i put two pictures side by side…i can visually see the changes.

the pic on the left is last year (no i’m not nekkid lol), the pic on the right is just from a couple of weeks ago.

i see the changes in my body from last year to this year…
i see where i’ve lost the most weight (boobs and belly)
i can see that i’m more toned
i can see the weight loss still didn’t take away my dimples 🙂

so why does the mere thought of sporting a bikini make me want to hurl?
maybe cause what i see, i don’t really feel?

in my mind i don’t think i am anywhere near where i want to be in order to rock a bikini
i can’t even fathom putting one on and feeling comfortable.

so what changed since last year?  last year i was confidant enough to rock it…
why not now?

like i said…i can see the differences when you place the pictures side by side…but i just can’t mentally wrap my head around it i don’t think.
i think that when i look in the mirror – i still see bee from 2009.

and not to worry…summer is here kids…and i will be rockin’ a bikini whether i want to or not.  my attitude hasn’t changed.  i still don’t care what anyone thinks of me 🙂

one year – a lot of things change…some things just stay the same.

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amazing restraint

usually grocery shopping is an enjoyable experience for me.
i love buying ingredients and coming up with an amazing end result.

yesterday was not one of those days.

i was determined to roast a chicken.  i had a recipe i just had to try.
the cooking time wasn’t that long…

so i picked up all the veggies and spices i required for this recipe…
getting more excited by the minute.
that alone took me a good half hour.

the last thing i needed was the chicken…so off to the poultry section i went.
the recipe calls for a 3 pound chicken.
all the chickens there were about 6- 7 pounds.
not a big deal right?  just double the ingredients and cooking time.
well…i don’t know about you, but i do not have 3.5 hours to waste on cooking during a weekday.
hell i barely have that time on a weekend!

so i had to go put back every single ingredient and spice i had picked up and start fresh.
what the hell was i gonna make now?  i had no back up plan.
i debated buying a big ass tub of ben and jerrys… but didn’t

i figured it out quickly and ran around the grocery store and grabbed everything i needed.
as i was running through the aisles like a mad woman i noticed coke zero on sale…but you had to buy 2 cases.
i’m just little so i knew i would struggle carrying all that but helllloooo…it was a sale, and i am a coke zero addict.
i ran up to pay….and put all my items on the belt…and noticed that i accidentally picked up chicken noodle soup instead of cream of chicken.
all the items went back in my basket, one case of pop under one arm, the other in my hand…and an over flowing basket in the other.
i ran back and i got the right soup…and went running to the check out…
and as i was running oh so gracefully…the case of coke zero ripped open.  it was like a slow motion movie.
my legs did some funky move…as my knee came up to try and stop the cans from falling out…
i saved the day…however i am pretty sure i pulled a muscle or 12…and entertained my fellow shoppers.

drama over, i went home.  i cracked open a beer (leftover from Friday) and calmed down for a moment.
i didn’t want to cook my dinner with hate and resentment ya know.

dinner turned out to be crazy yummy…so in the end…it was all worth it.

i rushed and got dressed and headed to the mall.  i had to return a phone i purchased on Saturday…cause i didn’t like it.  it wasn’t working for me.  the guy said i had 14 days to exchange it…so off i went.

did i mention i am pms’d?
i think that would be important to know…so you can grasp my mood.

i gave the phone to the sales guy, explained my issue – no problem – all was well – he went off to get the phone i wanted.
then he asked if i used over 30 min on the phone.  i said i have no idea
then he gets on the phone to call my cellular provider to find out how many minutes i used…which i thought was weird.
anyways..dood comes back and says “here’s the problem”
because i signed up between billing periods, he won’t be able to tell me how many minutes i used for at least 3 days.  so he cannot give me a different phone AND i can’t use my phone for 3 days, until i find out how many minutes i’ve used.

i guess what they failed to mention to me when i purchased the phone was if you go over 30 minutes you are no longer entitled to an exchange.
i later learned it was only because the company that sold me the phone would have to incur the charge.

not my problem.

i returned my phone within my 14 day time frame…and would like another phone please and thanks.
he said no.

umm…i don’t think so.

so i got on the phone with my cellular provider…ya know…cause i have that sort of time and the need to be that irritated.
i did mention i was pms’d right?

i got transferred 3 times.  3rd times a charm.  this gentleman totally fought for my right to paartayyy…i mean he told me that this company was LYING and they could not deny me a new phone.

2 hours later…i got the phone i wanted.  it wasn’t the sales dood’s fault..but he wasn’t being helpful.
i did my best to seem pleasant and lovely…all the while seething and giving off way more attitude than i intended.
he gave me my phone…i retracted my cat claws and off i went.

did i mention this store was right across from Laura Secord…and a few stores down from Cinnabons???
did i mention i am pms’d?

i escaped the mall and went home to pick up the pup and take her to the park.
she needed to burn off energy and i needed puppy love.

she was having a ball…and i was being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
damn ankle biters
when i started smacking my head and doing my mosquito dance…i knew it was time to go home.  i didn’t want to embarrass the pup in front of her friends you know.
i felt creepy crawlers all over my skin for the whole drive home.
brrrrrrrr.

did i mention i pass a Dairy Queen on my way home?
Did i mention i stopped at McDonald’s and only got an iced coffee?
no cone, no apple pie…no McFlurry?
just an iced coffee.

do you know how hard that is for a pissed off hormonal woman??????

by the time i got home and settled it was almost 10
stayed up a while to unwind and took the puppy for a late night pee
and then collapsed.

my alarm didn’t go off this morning – or i slept right through it..or i beat the crap out of it in my sleep

so i was late
if someone offers me a chocolate bar…i may just eat it.

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movin’ on up

i don’t know why i did it this morning.
but i did.
maybe ’cause i woke up in a good mood, from having a good night.  maybe it was all that great inspiration i felt last night.
who knows.
maybe i thought i could handle anything thrown my way…’cause i am wonder woman don’t you know.
all i know is i haven’t done it since January….
and back then it made me feel great…made me feel awesomely amazing.

today not so much.
today it made me feel a little defeated…a little sad
a little pissed right off.

i went on the scale today.
duun dun duuunnnnnn (that’s scary music in case you were wondering)
yep i weighed myself.

I am three pounds heavier than i was in January.
three pounds.

if you feel the need to laugh at me like my lovely friend did… please don’t!
that’s 3 more pounds i have to contend with.

wasn’t it just the other day i mentioned that weight loss was no longer a focus of mine?
pffft
it is now.

i was warned at the gym…well not warned…but i was told that once i started working out with weights i would gain weight…but it would be muscle.
i get that.  i get that it’s a possibility.
i specifically recall my personal trainer asking me if i would be ok seeing the scale move UP because i would be gaining muscle…and i was like “oh yeah, no problem…s’all good”
apparently i am a liar cause this has obviously freaked.me.out.

could it be weight gain because i have been more lenient with the things i eat
ya know…my yogurt…that sinful, tasty sweet and salty popcorn?
is it possible that it’s the forbidden FAT?

i mean honestly…how would you know?  how could you know if it was muscle or fat?

i don’t feel any different. my clothes are not fitting tighter…on most days i feel ok with where i am…unless my hormones are at play.

i told you.  nothing good ever came out of the scale.  i would have been better off living in my own bubble.  my own little world…where scales never existed.

i don’t know why the hell i did that!

this is how i am going to weigh myself from now on!

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one of those days

it’s one of those days today.

the kind of day where i just want to crawl out of my own skin cause i can’t even stand myself.
and it’s only 9:30.
oy
i am sure it’s all hormonal.

it started when i woke up.
i got dressed and took the puppy out.
it’s 6:30 in the morning…i don’t anticipate to see many people.
but today everyone and their mothers were out walking their dogs.
so of course the puppy wanted to play.  and of course i let her.
she is cooped up in the house all day and i feel badly for her.

i am not a morning person.  never have been and never will be.
throw me in a mix of pleasant people who want to have a conversation
and that’s enough to make me blow.
don’t get me wrong…these people are lovely.  i like them…and look forward to seeing them outside…
but just not in the morning…when i have been awake for all of 30 seconds
looking like a crazed woman with uncontrollable bed head…and in a rush to get ready for work.
the last thing i want to do in the morning is talk and smile and be animated.  i just want my cup of coffee…or 2…
then i will be ready to face the world head on.
bah.
so because we played outside…i was running really late.
and the bad mood was completely set in.
but – the puppy had fun…so it was worth it.

today must also be national idiot day.
they all just happened to be on the road at the same time i was.
you know, not even driving the speed limit…or applying their lipstick
or – just the basic idiots who think i am invisible and almost run me off the road – twice.
twice!
who knows…maybe everyone is pissed off at today’s gas prices.

i got to work…pretty much unscathed…but oh so miserable.
so…i thought i should treat myself to some breakfast
because food is love…and i needed love.
🙂

and this is where my food issues come in.
it may sound petty, or crazy…but it is what it is…and when i order food…i want it a certain way.
all i asked for was an egg.
simple.
so when i ask for an egg…i assume i am going to get a fried egg…that she will just crack that baby over the grill and voila
well…you know what they say about assuming…
in the morning they also have some premixed egg…stuff…ready to go…for omelette’s etc.
so this new girl took a ladle full of this premixed egg instead of giving me a “real” egg
for a girl with weird food issues – this was my icing on the cake. egg white and yolk all mixed together – baahhhhh!!!!
it was too late to tell her…since it was on the grill…and i came upstairs defeated.
i do believe i had tears in my eyes.
i just wanted an egg dammit.
sigh

annnnnd Wednesday’s are my one of my craziest, most stressful days of the week at work.
again, it’s only 9:30.  oh wait, it’s 10:00
not bad.

i am going to have an awesome time kicking ass at the gym today.
i say bring it ON!

on to some positive news…
i have been getting tons of hits on two poems i submitted a couple of weeks ago.
literally about a hundred hits a day with some awesome compliments.
maybe writing a book is not that much of an unreachable dream huh?

i hope your day is much, much better than mine.
it can only get better from here.

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