Tag Archives: sadness

today – my heart hurts

my morning ritual is to catch up on world events…and so i go on line.
99% of the time i find myself sighing and asking myself what has this world come to?

a couple of days ago i watched the most heartbreaking video of a 2 year old girl in China being run over by two trucks.  the first one ran over her with the front tires…and then paused…then proceeded to run her over – ever so slowly with the back tires.  no one helped her.  no one helped her.
people walked by, biked by – and did nothing to help her.

today i read about a young boy named Jamie Hubley.

Jamie was 15 – and committed suicide a few days ago.
the reason?  bullying.

on this young boys blog he wrote of his severe depression, his cutting, how he didn’t want to live anymore…and finally a short suicide note…
how he couldn’t possibly wait 3 years (to be out of high school) for life to get better.

when i was a kid…i went through stuff.  i think almost all kids do.  i remember being depressed and hating my life…and i remember thinking to myself – that i would never forget what it felt like to be a kid in the throws of turmoil.
but i think a big part of me did.

i was never a victim of excessive bullying.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  i had an older brother who paved the way for me in high school – and so no one dared to bother me.
i also was never a bully.  i don’t recall ever being cruel or hateful to anyone in school.  sure there were people i didn’t like – there were kids i made fun of behind their backs…but i am pretty sure i was never cruel.
there was a period back in grade school…where a “friend” and i would fight every recess and get sent to the principles office…
and i went through a phase where i would fight boys until they would be my boyfriend – but i am unsure if that was bullying or flirting….or just normal

i read some of this boy’s blog today.  every entry, every picture….every single word was a desperate cry for help.
he was cutting himself – even his face….
i wonder – did anyone really try to help him?
if you saw a child walking around (and yes, Jamie was a child) – with self harm marks all over their body – do you not help? or do you assume that this kid just wants attention??
his blog screams “help me” – posts are tagged with “suicide” – and now he’s gone.

his family will never know what kind of man he would grow up to be.
Jamie will never know that yes, things do get better.  he will never get the opportunity to grow and become what he was intended to be in this world.

this has left me sitting here crying.  crying for a child i never knew.
crying for all the lost possibility
crying for his desperation, his depression…his final act.

i don’t get it.  maybe i am not supposed to.
has bullying changed since i was a kid?  has it become more aggressive?  more unbearable?
or is it simply how someone reacts to it – since we are not all built the same.

i am really bothered by this today.  i am affected….
and so i am writing about this here – hoping that it reaches as many people as it possibly can.
this should not happen to one more child.

i hope my nieces and my nephews – and any children i may have…never ever feel this hopeless, this desperate.
this makes me want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them from all the evil in the world.

i’m sorry for this downer post – but life is not all rainbows and sunshine is it…just ask Jamie’s family.

to read about Jamie – please click here. – and pass it on.

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i’m not a bitch, i’m just hungry

i apologize for not being as “present” as i wish i could be.  it’s been an unusual couple of weeks…”trying” to say the least
and finding my mojo…to try to inspire and be light hearted has been difficult
as much as i pride myself as being the class clown…i do get affected…i do get bummed out…and sometimes silence is the only way i can deal with it.
it’s funny…because i noticed tonight how my blogs as of late have been how i’ve been neglecting my routine – my health
and i know why it is…although in my blogs i’ve written that i “just don’t get it”
i do get it.  i am going through something personal.  but all is well and i will survive.  it’s not anything that needs to be said here…i got the blog next door to air my dirty laundry
but i am fine…and getting on track
god forbid i let some idiot drama take over my health.
onward i go.

so can i tell you how weird the weather is?  really.  i should be used to it considering i live in Canada.
the other night i was bundled up in my fat pants, hoodie…and had the fire place going…two hot baths later and i was still shaking from the cold.
tonight i am prancing around in my underpants with the a/c on.
gotta love it

as i said earlier, i’ve been struggling.  that’s a hard place to sit in when you are a comfort eater
i think that’s why it’s been so easy to stray – and not take care of me as best as i can.
it’s been naughty, bad food that has made this bad feeling even worse.  at the time it feeds my emotions.  at the end of it all it just makes me feel 10 times worse
anyways…i digress.

i decided i needed to get out for an awesomely on track delicious dinner.
and so to the Keg i went.

of course…no meal is ever complete without this starter:

i like my meat medium rare, anything else just wouldn’t suffice.

take a look at my nom nom’s

looks delicious right?

a few bites into it…i realized it was cooked to at least medium well..if not well
it was disappointing.  i was looking forward to this night for ages.

i don’t complain.  i am just not one of those people.
but i was just so disappointed..i really wanted to let them know…and so i did

i had filled up on the veggies…so i wasn’t so hungry
but my god, i dreamed about tonight and my prime rib.

wouldn’t you know, the manager came over…said he saw my plate
could totally see that it wasn’t medium rare and was comping my dinner
was there anything else he could get me?

seriously?

i am just not used to that.  i felt terrible even mentioning that my prime rib was not up to par
but here they were apologizing to me…validating how i felt…comping my meal…and asking if they could do anything else to make me happy

i think i have been living in a bubble.

see…people think i am a bitch…i’ve been wanting to blog about this for a while but get distracted by other things…other things to write about
but a meeting with a complete stranger over a month ago has left me changed and constantly in thought
i promise to get to that in a blog very soon.

but i am not a bitch (as much as i like to say i am)
i do not like drama or conflict and so i usually keep my mouth shut

and so tonight was a whole new experience for me
i was not happy…and i was heard…and respected.
what an odd feeling.

and because of this…i will go back again
there is something to say about being valued.

sorry if i am all over the map.  i blame the tasty red wine lol

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happy weekend all

my skin – a picture post

i’ve never been one to be comfortable in my own skin.
there was always something to work on, to perfect…accomplish
i am a perfectionist in everything i do…so this is not surprising.

i was looking back on my life.  who i was, who i am…and who i am yet to be.

it’s been a year and 5 months since i made the decision to change my life.
i was so tired of being where i was…feeling like i just couldn’t move forward.
it was do or die.

i never could have imagined how these small changes would impact my life.

i am a different woman.

i was never ever the type of girl who would look in the mirror and say “hello beautiful”
in fact…i hated the mirror.  i think the only time i ever stood in front of my mirror butt naked, was to stare at myself in disbelief.  the horror i faced. to size myself up and put myself down.  i would just stare, in total shock and pick myself apart.
yeah, i know.  i was rough on me.  but i always have been.  i am my own worst critic.

just a year and a half ago, getting dressed in the morning was a struggle.  sometimes it would make me cry…go into a full blown rage and throw my clothes around.
nothing fit right…nothing looked right…
it was torture.

pictures?  no thanks.  i would either hide my body behind someone, or if my picture had to be taken, my hands would always be over my belly…you know – if you can’t see it, it’s not there

special events?  you might as well have liquored me up before going to the mall to try on dresses.
nothing would fit properly or hide my imperfections.
it was horrifying each and every time.  i would be thrown into a deep and dark depression for days.

i feel so sad for hating me so much.  i treated myself so terribly.
never again.
the best thing i have accomplished?  i really do love myself.  who knew.

Fast forward to today.  The mirror and i are still working on having a healthy relationship.  Of course i still look at myself and analyze every little spot…every little imperfection.
but today i can look in the mirror and smile and say – looking good bee.  hey, maybe one day i can say “good morning beautiful”

i am a work in progress…but i gotta say…when i sit back and think about how much i have changed…i am in awe.

I am posting a picture here for you all to see – ( it’s really small but if you click on it you can see it full size)

this picture rocks my socks for several reasons:

1) i am truly happy – you can see it in my face
2) i am bra-less.  i never thought that day would come!
3) i am wearing an extra small dress – i never thought that day would come either
4) i am not fidgeting or trying to hide.
5) i am comfortable in my skin
6) i am comfortable in my skin
7) and in case i didn’t mention it – i am comfortable in my skin.

and now for the bonus picture 🙂

this is me in my most important role of my life.

this child does not care if i am thin or fat, how my make up looks and if my hair is out of place.
this child loves me as i am…and wants to be loved.  that is all that matters…love.

i think this kid is gonna teach me alot.

i am not perfect – and i still have work to do.
but i am getting there…and i am loved.

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how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

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something i wrote

i decided i would get a little personal…since it’s Friday and all.

I was going through some old writing and found something that was written at the lowest of my lows.
I believe all my major changes,  accomplishments…and mind set was a result of my feelings when i wrote this.

i guess this was my rock bottom…and i feel comfortable enough to share it with you here…since i’ve let it all go 🙂
it’s amazing what a year can do to you and for you.

The Letting Go

i need to learn the art of letting go
seeing the flaws
beating myself up
expectations set so extremely high for myself and for others.

it tears away at you
bit by bit…takes away from who you are and what’s to be
i need to find the letting go

i need to lay anger, betrayal…of my own self
to rest
i need to inhale and exhale, deeper
i need to love myself , all of myself
including the stretch marks, the dimples….all of it.

i need to let go of sadness and despair
i need to understand that in this life i will be wronged over and over
and i in turn will wrong those i am supposed to love

i need to let go.

i hold on to every little thing
comments, whispers, looks
they burn in me and echo
i create mountains out of pebbles
and the turmoil weighs me down.

i need to learn the art of letting go
of deceptions, of deceit
i need to understand that not everyone has pure motives
and not everyone has your best interest in mind

i need to let go
of what i see when i look at me.
i need to let go of the words i use to describe myself
that i wouldn’t dare say to anyone else.
i want to love me like others love me
i need
i need
to find the letting go

i need to find the letting go
of allowing past hurts to creep up on me
and allowing them to take refuge in a heart that’s mostly healed
i need to let it go
i gotta let it go.

in the loves that almost were
and the children that almost blessed me
in the friends no longer friendly

the letting go

i need to find the letting go.

© 2010 bee

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talk about timing

this was the email i received from the universe this morning – and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

no, not health related – sorry.  but i guess we could file it under mental and emotional health.

Have you noticed, goddess, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?

It’s impossible.

Please pass this on to someone sad, goddess….

Whoohoooooo!
The Universe



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sweet slumber

i can’t sleep, but i am so tired.

with everything that happened this morning playing like a horror film in my head
i wonder if i will sleep tonight at all.

it’s nights like these i don’t like nights like these.

my mind is on repeat.  everything is being chewed over and over and over.

one thing leads to another…to another…and all of a sudden the whole worlds issues become my own.

i know, i am rambling.

i worked out tonight.  i had such a headache but could not sit still in my own skin.
i needed to move…i needed to do anything and everything but just sit and be stagnant.
maybe a work out would leave me thought free for 45 minutes.

i am pretty sure i had a good work out – truth is i barely remember going through the motions
one minute i was starting and the next it was over…my body covered in sweat…
i fell into the shower and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

today was just so unexplainable.

everything was normal.
and then the next minute…there was nothing normal about the day.
nothing.

one moment Cody was bouncing around, happy…normal
and literally the next minute she was on the ground…gone.

it makes no sense to me.

none.

and so i am wide awake chewing and mulling and missing.

sometimes a girl doesn’t care about eating what’s best and doing the best for her body
sometimes a girl just wants to be

but oddly enough all i want to do is throw myself in to some physical exertion…
just keep moving…non stop

i’m afraid falling into this funk that i feel would be counterproductive.

a friend told me tonight…one day i will be grateful that Cody took the decision from our hands and left on her own.
i know that day will come.
it’s just today is so not that day.

i won’t lie…a nice big bowl of anything carb related would be wonderful right now.
but i won’t.

i’ve lost 3 furbabies in the past 14 months.
there is something so not right about that.
actually i put Ben down 14 months ago tomorrow…

like i’ve said before…..some people have children, me?  i got my furbabies.

hope you guys are all in la-la land and sorry for my rambles.


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melt down

this weekend wasn’t what i had thought it would be.
i should really rephrase.  i had an awesome weekend…
perhaps too good if that’s even possible!

sunday evening found me really angry, really sad
and ultimately just worn down and disappointed in myself.

i am not too sure if this is the right platform for me
not sure if i am able to write it all out here…maybe that’s just something for the blog next door.

i just think some deep, emotional lessons were learned in a very short span of time.
maybe “learned” isn’t the right choice of words…perhaps the things i have always known just resurfaced
and gave me the opportunity to revisit a whole slew of emotions i really just didn’t want to.

they left me feeling really vulnerable and naked.

i can handle being angry at someone else, blaming someone else.
but when you are angry at you
it’s just a coat of shame that doesn’t fit well.

the bottom line is that i had a brief melt down.
i wallowed in my disappointment.  i beat myself up.
elle bee followed behind and picked all the pieces up and helped me put them back together again.

being a perfect version of myself is hard.  a lot harder than the expectations of other people.
and if you know me at all…you would know that i am a total perfectionist.
i know what i am capable of.  i am capable of great things when i am dedicated.
i let go this weekend.
and ultimately let myself down.

i am done with the pity party.
i have picked myself up and dusted myself off.
today is a new day.

i have a lot of work to do this week
but that’s ok….i can do it.
either shit or get off the pot bee…
i just can’t have my cake and eat it too…

i am solely responsible for every decision i make
and therefore take full blame where it’s due
and that’s ok…
melt down is officially over

ya can’t cry over spilled milk
can’t undo what’s been done.
it is what it is…
and what it is…is Monday.  a new day, a fresh start.
as in true bee fashion…i am gonna kick Monday’s ass!!!

thanks for reading…i am sure none of this made sense
but hey….it made me feel worlds better

“i’ll be alright, once i find the other side of someday” – sara bareilles


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broken

i have nothing witty or sarcastic to blog about today.
if you are looking for inspiration or motivation, sadly you have entered the wrong blog.
i’m not in the mood to be funny or stupid….
i just sit here broken.

yesterday we put down our resident cat…Mamma.
Mamma blessed my life for 16 years.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.
I’m hesitant to discuss the depth of my emotion on such an open platform.  there are people who just don’t understand the love between a human and the pet that owns them.
some people have children.
me?
i have my furbabies.
and i feel so broken.

Mamma claimed my heart in my 2nd year of college…
she was with me for most of my whole adult life.
she was the one who took care of me when i had surgery…laid on my chest and growled at any one who came near me.
she would curl herself up against my head in bed if i was unwell or sad
and she would tell me stories the moment i would walk through the door.
and that purr…she was a motor…there was nothing like her purr.

i feel like i have lost so much.
she represented so much.
she was so much
and i am so broken.

she fought until the very absolute end..and even at the end…she fought some more.
she didn’t want to die.
physically, she was ready to go.  she was ready to let go…however i was not.  But i guess it’s not all about me now is it.

so no…i haven’t fit in a work out…i’m surprised i’ve even eaten…
but i know that this too shall pass.  i will come back…and i will be me.  but i think my heart just needs to hurt right now.

i will leave you with this…cause i gotta be me…
in my sadness…my total grief…i cheated.
i had ONE fry.  yup.  one.
it’s a bad day when i don’t even know how to comfort eat
it’s a sad, sad day in bee world
i literally just lost my best friend…

and i am broken.

here is one of the last pictures i took of her…my little poser


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