Tag Archives: sad

when one door closes

it’s been a rough couple of months on the whole be a better bee thing.

there has been no diet to speak of – no real physical activity other than an odd Zumba class or dog walking (although the dog walk is an hour speed walk)

my days have consisted of eating whatever it was that i craved and sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.
it was working for a while. i mean i saw the weight creeping up a little bit but not enough to make me change.

then i saw my mom’s ass in my mirror – and well – feeling sorry for myself ended pretty damn fast
(no offense to my ma – she’s a good looking lady, believe me, it’s just that my ass was never intended to be that shape)

Anyways – today is day two of super duper clean eating.  I was a little cranky about it all yesterday…but i figure i have two options.
eat what i want and cry about all the weight i am gaining….
or suck it up and eat clean and feel better about myself and look better.

where was this mind set two months ago??

so i contacted my Zumba instructor and told her i was coming this week – only to find out that this Friday is her last class.
boo.
say it ain’t so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what oh what am i going to do without her?

so yeah – i was pretty bummed out.  ok, big time bummed out.

until

i was told that there is a Zumba Fit for wii!  how did i not know this?????

i told LB my sad story – no more Zumba for me but there is a wii game for it…and i was presented with my brand spanking wii game last night!

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

sorry i got carried away lol

so – i am gonna get my Zumba on tonight.  i cannot wait!!

i mean it’s not the same as going to the class my instructor taught…but at least i have the option.

i am totally bringing sexy back.

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the saddest story ever told

every special holiday – ex: Christmas, Thanksgiving etc…
the kitchen makes us an extra special lunch.
turkey with all the fixings!!!!
my coworkers are like family to me.  we are a very small group and i’d like to think we are close.
(if cookie monster is reading this you best be agreeing with me lol)

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So today was the day.
the special turkey day.

3 of my coworkers had their annual staff lunch planned for today…so they couldn’t make it.
cookie monster was stuck on a phone call…
and considering today is one of the busiest days of the week for me – i had a very small window available for lunch.

woe is me.

i had lunch at my desk – all alone.
by myself.
do you hear the violins???? lol

meh, that’s not the sad part really – i eat at my desk alone often.
i am just too busy to actually go downstairs and chill.
now that’s sad.

but what’s even sadder???

my lunch.

it was so sad i couldn’t even bring myself to take a picture.

for lunch i had turkey – and brussels sprouts…
that’s it.
that’s all.

there was no stuffing, or mashed potatoes with gravy.

turkey without stuffing is like….
Christmas with no presents
birthdays with no cake
ying with no yang

get it?

we also got 3 baby cupcakes for dessert. and noooo of course i didn’t eat them.
i brought them up stairs and left them on my bff’s desk.
she will appreciate them…and she’ll yell at me for trying to make her fat
it’s a win win situation.

and so this is my sad, sad story about my sad, sad lunch
surely you ache for my sadness yes?

i suck at this

it was one of those days.
when i say “one of those days” i mean god awful, haven’t felt such a range of emotions in a very long time kind of days.

you know those days…very infrequent and yet when they come, you feel like you just had the wind knocked outta you.

it’s still very much one of those days.

it’s one of those days that start with a middle of the night phone call feeling.
nothing good ever comes out of those phone calls
you wake up disoriented, heart racing, palms sweating, wondering how your life is going to change the moment you say “hello”

yes it was one of those days…

i can’t really get into the details, because it is not my story to tell…and i need to respect those that i love and those that this affects
but it’s safe to say today was not a good day.

i was highly stressed…and when i am highly stressed…i become almost manic.

i can’t sit still, i either don’t eat, but more than likely i eat way more than i should.
i felt like i was hand to mouth all day…and really i probably was…but all the food was on plan…so who cares.
i sat at my desk, but i am not too sure i accomplished much.  i paced the halls, took a million breaks
reorganized my desk about a million times
i had a serious case of vowel movements – yes vowel movements. ( i heard that on the radio and though it clever!!  so much better than verbal diarrhea)
anyways…my poor coworker – she had to listen to me talk…a mile a minute…i musta sounded like i was on crack
but she gets me – and she knows me – and she knew what was going on
so she listened…very very sweet of her

it was already decided before i even got home what it was that i was going to have for dinner
dill pickle chips, chocolate covered almonds and wine.
there was just no use in denying that i was completely in self soothe mode.  i can’t remember honestly when the last time was i did this.

i don’t know how i kept half my brain in tact.  there were no small bags of dill pickle chips – so i woulda had to buy the big one
i decided instead to buy the small bag of regular – equally good.
i bought a small box of chocolates.  not the big ass container beside it.  i don’t know how i did that
i passed by the ben and jerry’s and made my way home.

i ate half the chocolate, and haven’t even touched the chips.
all the chocolate did was make me sleepy and light headed and gave me a serious case of heart burn
i can’t even self soothe properly.
i am almost embarrassed to admit – i really wish i had a salad!!!

my mind is in over drive.  there is so much in there that i swear i smell smoke.
everything that i can think about – i am thinking about

that could be dangerous when i couple these thoughts with the glass or two of red that’s waiting for me.
and there is a Criminal Minds marathon on right now.
this would be a huge score if i wasn’t so blaaahhh.

maybe there will be a buzzed bee post.
nah…i’ll keep those thoughts to myself.

maybe a day at the spa is in order tomorrow….i’ll get my nails did
hope everyone else’s day didn’t suck ass.

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just wrong, on so many levels

last night as i was driving home…
i saw a young woman walking with a baby in a stroller and a very young toddler holding her hand.

she seemed to be trying to do “something” all the while holding on to the little kid’s hand and the stroller…

and then i saw what causing her so much grief.

she was trying to light a cigarette!!!  talk about great multi tasking!!!

this irks me.  on many levels.
i do not think that people should smoke in front of children.  sure, you have an addiction, but these kids don’t need to suffer from it.
they don’t need to inhale it, see it.
these children didn’t ask for it.

man it burns my ass.

so then…as she starts walking ahead…and gets closer to my car…i see that not only is she smoking and handling two children under 2 years of age.
she is extremely pregnant.
i mean ready to pop pregnant.

ugh.

it’s not like we don’t know any better.  it’s not like this is the 70’s and people didn’t really get how “bad” smoking is.
i don’t care what anyone decides to do to themselves…but there is an unborn baby in that belly.

i get that smoking is an addiction. believe me…i know.
but doesn’t the fact that you are growing a little human being in that belly give you enough strength to quit?
in her case i guess not.

i dunno – that visual is stuck in my head and makes me really really sad.

if you are going to have a baby…don’t freakin’ smoke.

bah, i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

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sensitive

that’s how i’m feeling.

alot’s gone down these past few days and i am just left feeling a little raw and perhaps needy?
no, needy is not the word
sensitive. definitely sensitive.

i am analyzing every little thing said to me…and taking offense to things i shouldn’t be i am sure.
i am ultra sensitive…and i dislike feeling this way.

i wasn’t going to post here – but it’s got pretty much everything to do with my health…so it seems appropriate.

i’ve made some changes to my personal life lately.
well, i was forced into making these changes, and ultimately it is the best thing for me.
and i am ok with the changes ahead of me.

after all, life is about change.

but i still feel sensitive…

getting up to go to the gym today was a struggle.  it seems it has been lately yes?
perhaps my body knew all along what my mind was not ready to register.
who knows

i want to revert back to old behaviours…because they are old and comfortable
like a childhood blankie…or a hug from my mom.

i want to run to the corner store and grab a bag of dill pickle chips and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

at least i have enough mind power to understand that although these are comforting foods for the moment
they are anything but comforting afterwards.

i am grateful for my willpower these days.

inhale and exhale.

everything’s gonna be alright.

everything’s gonna be better in 2 days when i am officially on vacay.
there, that totally put a smile on my face.

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how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

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truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…

sooooo

in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!
lol

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
anyways…
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
anyways.
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

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stress eating

i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.
completely.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

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the power of friendship

i had a day yesterday.  not a bad day.  just a day.

i was unexpectedly sucked into a time vortex and it had me feeling rather blaaaahhhhh.

nothing good comes from over thinking anything…especially things that you cannot change.
i was going to blog about it yesterday…but i didn’t even have the energy to put in words what it was that i was feeling.
i didn’t even know what it was that i was feeling.
besides it would be a blog next door thing…
boo.

i like to use my past as a measuring tool.  to see where i came from and where i am now.
i certainly don’t like to sit in it and dwell and think and wonder about the what ifs and run scenarios around in my head that ultimately…at the end of the day really just don’t matter.
the past is buried.  you cannot bring back to life what’s dead…
am i making any sense? lol
it’s ok…it’s for me to understand anyways.

it is what it is.

and what it was yesterday was gym day.

i had zero desire to go get my sweat on if i gotta be honest with you.
i just wanted to go home and bake a cheesecake…and eat it lol
or better yet, i just wanted to go home and drink a glass of wine or two.

but my gym buddy was not cancelling on me.
if she wasn’t cancelling…i couldn’t either.

so we went with me having zero motivation – which i gotta say…never happens.
i just didn’t want to be there.
i just wanted to be at home chewing and mulling thoughts…cause you know that’s productive!

my gym buddy… who i shall refer to as GB from now on..as it takes less time to type out…
knew what was going on in my head…as we talked during the day.
she knew where i was at…and it was her mission to get me outta that head space.

she had me on an elliptical race.  we went on one…and it just didn’t feel right
and so we went to the other side of the room on two other ones…where they still didn’t feel right…
i guess i had a pained expression on my face…
and we looked at eachother…
which initiated the kind of laughter i can only describe as forbidden.
you know the kind…laughing hysterically at church…or a funeral.
the more we tried not to laugh, the louder it came out…with me at one point actually trying to
cross my legs while on the elliptical…cause well…i was gonna pee in my pretty yoga pants.
i do believe if i had a free hand i woulda grabbed my crotch and done my famous pee-pee dance
(ok it’s only famous around my friends, but whatever don’t judge me!)

we got looks…we were outta control…
we couldn’t breathe from working out and laughing at the same time.

and in that very moment i knew i was exactly where i needed to be.

and in that very moment i was grateful for my amazing friendships, grateful for the people that get me…understand the way my head works and bring me out of it.

ya know…each friend in my life is uniquely different….
with GB i can vent to my heart’s content…and laugh until the tears run down my face.

and so the world didn’t end yesterday because i was forced down memory lane.
(it’s supposed to end on the 21st anyways right?)
no, the world did not shut down and stop existing…

the world is exactly as it should be…and i was reminded that where i am…is more than good enough..because… i am loved.

sooooooooooooooooo anyways…

in honour of my girl Adele performing in my awesome city tonight…click here to get your hump on 🙂

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a letter to myself

dear me,
 
in four weeks it will be one year that you’ve changed your life drastically!
does it even feel real?
 
It’s been one tough year, so many losses and let downs, but through it all you kept yourself centred.
oddly enough it has been one of your best years to date too.
way to go you!
 
you’ve changed so much.  i know you see it.  how could you not?!
not just physically, although that would be the most obvious change.
do you notice how much happier you are?  do you catch yourself smiling?  because you do that alot.
and that laugh…it’s nice to hear again.
 
i heard that you are singing again.  no…i know you aren’t a pro…but at least you sing…belt out the notes no matter how off they may be…cause singing makes you happy…and you have stifled your voice far too long.
you are energetic and bouncy again.  you are the crazy one in the room…and don’t care who is watching you.  i love goofy bee who makes others laugh.  i think alot of people missed her.
nice to see you’ve taken alot of the serious outta life.  i see your worries roll like water off your shoulders these days.  not to say you aren’t human…things of course still bother you.  but you deal with it and don’t let it consume you.
 
and who would have ever thought you would have travelled to another country all on your own??  good thing you did..cause i do believe it’s one of your top 5 favourite moments yes?
the you a year ago would never have done that…
 
you’ve joined a gym…and love it. 
whoa.  slow it down.
i can’t even believe it…and i know you can’t either.
i hear you are excited about all the classes and can’t wait to try them. 
look who you have become!
did you ever think you would go to the gym without someone dragging you by the ears? 
me neither!!!
 
there have been a ton of changes in your life this past year.
last year was bad…i know.
i see how you reflect sometimes and get sad at where you were and how you let yourself go.
i see how sad you feel for who you were then.
all the mistakes, bad decisions…how much you didn’t like or care for yourself.
you wonder why you were so mean to yourself…so destructive.
why you allowed negativity in to your life..drama…bad people.
it’s the laws of attraction baby…you get what you put out there in to the universe.
and you dear bee put out a lot of crap…and oh the crap you got!
 
and see what you are getting now?
nothing but love, light, positivity…health…great friends, great life, great everything.
sure there’s still crap…there will always be crap…but you don’t allow it to stay.
 
you are still you.  the core of you will always be the same.
but my oh my how you’ve grown.
 
so don’t get discouraged when things seem to be going at a snails pace.
when sometimes you get frustrated that you don’t see what you want to see
all your work is paying off…every second of the day…
you are doing amazing.  don’t forget that…cause i know how easy it is to forget.
and if you do forget…
there is always that lovely before pic in your bra and underwear lol!!
if that doesn’t show you how far you’ve come…nothing will.
 
just thought you needed a reminder…that you are made of awesome.
you believe everyone else who tells you…so start believing you!
 
4 more weeks baby!!!
 
love forever,
me.
xo

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