Tag Archives: relationships

one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.

 

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the saddest story ever told

every special holiday – ex: Christmas, Thanksgiving etc…
the kitchen makes us an extra special lunch.
turkey with all the fixings!!!!
my coworkers are like family to me.  we are a very small group and i’d like to think we are close.
(if cookie monster is reading this you best be agreeing with me lol)

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So today was the day.
the special turkey day.

3 of my coworkers had their annual staff lunch planned for today…so they couldn’t make it.
cookie monster was stuck on a phone call…
and considering today is one of the busiest days of the week for me – i had a very small window available for lunch.

woe is me.

i had lunch at my desk – all alone.
by myself.
do you hear the violins???? lol

meh, that’s not the sad part really – i eat at my desk alone often.
i am just too busy to actually go downstairs and chill.
now that’s sad.

but what’s even sadder???

my lunch.

it was so sad i couldn’t even bring myself to take a picture.

for lunch i had turkey – and brussels sprouts…
that’s it.
that’s all.

there was no stuffing, or mashed potatoes with gravy.

turkey without stuffing is like….
Christmas with no presents
birthdays with no cake
ying with no yang

get it?

we also got 3 baby cupcakes for dessert. and noooo of course i didn’t eat them.
i brought them up stairs and left them on my bff’s desk.
she will appreciate them…and she’ll yell at me for trying to make her fat
it’s a win win situation.

and so this is my sad, sad story about my sad, sad lunch
surely you ache for my sadness yes?

skin and bones

i was playing around on YouTube tonight…as i often do…and i discovered this song.

i think every teenager /young adult with a poor body image needs to hear this.  this song literally gave me shivers – not so much because of the music, but because of the lyrics.  i am sure 99% of the world can relate to this at some point in their lives.

Skin and Bones
I lock the door
 Turn all the water on
 And bury that sound
 So no one hears anything anymore
 Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see
 Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
 I know you can feel all the things you steal
 And you're taking, you're taking it

 Feeling so easy
 Make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 You break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where the hell have you been?

 Well sometimes it burns
 Baby I'll wash it out
 It all looks so big
 Never mind, I don't feel anything

 It only hurt a bit
 I still feel like shit
 And I think you won't be able to recognize me now
 It's easier to quit
 It's harder to admit and
 You're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me!

 Feeling so easy
 Make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 You break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where have you been?

 'cause you always win
 And you... yeah!

 Laughin' like it works
 Bleeding like it don't hurt
 Knock you off your feet
 Even if you need me
 Tear you apart and I hate how I need you

 Feeling too easy, make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 Break like it's even
 When you're leaving

 It's too fucking easy, make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 Break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where have you been?

 'cause you always win, and you always win, you always win
 I will burn all this 
Marianas Trench

you can watch the video here

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smoke and mirrors – a repost

Considering i have over 400 posts on my blog – i thought i’d bring an oldie back…chances are a lot of you have never read it – and a lot of you don’t remember it…
i may do this once and a while when i feel i have nothing to say 🙂

Smoke and Mirrors – June 2010

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!

And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat. Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking! Where’s the fat???

If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years. Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat. I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely. I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat. Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was fat. Fat for me. I had never ever been the size that I was then. So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart. For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird. I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb. I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues. 40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all. In 3 months…it was gone. Poof… like magic. I won’t lie. It was easy then. So unbelievably easy. I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though. In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee. I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say. In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier.

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.

But I did. And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery. He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.

I was so embarrassed. He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone. He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”

Things like that…just always floored me.

My European mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight. I even went braless!!! These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did. It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.

But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style. I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating. Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo. Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.

And now this time around, it’s harder. It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast. And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet. Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again. I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today. I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people. I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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a rant and a wish

for the past week or so – i’ve been having issues with my coffee.

every time i purchase a coffee from McDonalds lately, i end up wearing some of it!  there seems to be a slight leak under the lid.
it’s just bloody annoying.  i can understand it happening every now and then..but every single cup i buy?

i was driving into work this morning – enjoying the music and the commute – i get to work and out of the car…look down at my beautiful white, crisp blouse – and i am covered in coffee.  thank god i keep a sweater at work.
i continue to drink my coffee only to see drops on my desk and on my pants.
i shake my fist at you McDonalds – i am starting to love your coffee less.  i mean it was your lids that won me over in the first place.
And i know it’s not me…a friend in Florida said the same thing is happening to her.

yesterday i got off work a little early and was dying for a coffee…so i picked one up.  i got home and went to pick up the cup by the lid – and my whole coffee ended up behind my car.
don’t make me go back to Timmies – i really don’t want to!!

bah – rant over.

I’ve been on a gift giving mission these days.  who am i gifting?  myself!!

a couple of weeks ago i bought myself this beautiful burnt orange leather jacket from Danier.  it is gorgeous and i did need a fall jacket.  so i splurged.
then i decided to gift myself with a tablet.  why not?  i’ve been saving up cash for a while now and my birthday and Christmas is coming up – so i deserve the treat.

now i am trying to talk myself out of another purchase for myself.  well, at least hold off until the new year.  but i want it so bad i don’t know if i can talk myself out of it!!
i’ve mentioned it here before that i really want to get an Ab Doer Twist.  Badly. i think it would be a great addition to my work outs!!!
I can never concentrate enough on my abs and any little bit would help.

I doubt Santa will be bringing this little gem to my house – so sometimes a girls’ gotta take care of herself.

i mean look at it!  Ab Doer Twist – you are my Christmas wish.

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the results are in

so today was the day.

the big weigh in.

it’s the very first thing i do even before i step into the room – i get on the dreaded scale.
every time i ask him if i should take my shoes off.  every time he says no.
every time i say take five pounds off the final tally
and every time he laughs – as if i kid.

i held my breath and got on…and he adjusted the weights and voila – there was my current weight.

how much do i weigh?

well i am not going to tell you that!!!

i did gain weight though.  i had a feeling that would be the outcome.
how much weight did i gain you ask?

are you ready?

i

gained

0.5 pounds.

yup, i gained half a pound since last year.

to be fair…after my doctor’s appointment last year i do believe i dropped another 2 pounds.
so i’ve gained a couple of pounds.

i have basically maintained my weight for a whole year – if not longer actually.
that brings me immense pleasure, because that means i am being smart…i think i finally know how to stay on track…
even if there are a few slips along the way.

as my good friend pointed out to me – she told me to not even worry about a couple of pounds
because i’ve been doing weights for just under a year, and i was warned by my personal trainer that i would see the scale go up

and up it went.  half a pound.
half a pound!!!

i am feeling good about it 🙂

everything else about me is awesome – although i still have to get blood work done.

he wants me to get my eyes checked ASAP – he think we should rule out eye strain for my headaches
sure it’s been about 12 years since i’ve had my eyes checked but i think they are just fine!

he’s booking me an MRI – just to make sure my brain looks sexy and awesome.
he asked if i was claustrophobic
and i said oh hell yes…because i am, very much so.

the kind doctor who knows i am not into pill popping gave me a prescription for Ativan – suggested it would be a good idea to take before the MRI

also knowing that i have quite the intolerance for meds – he let out a chuckle and said i should do a test run and take a pill at home before the appointment
haha – funny man.

good thing i love him – and good thing i am so blessed to have a doctor who actually knows me and my body.

i will most certainly do a test run at home.  anyone wanna come over and get stoned with me?  my doc says it’s all good.

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zumba baby

i feel like i haven’t been here in forever
has it been that long or are the days flying by at warp speed?
either way – it feels like forever.

life has been busy.  but then again what’s new right? seems like that’s the story of my life lately.

i have been too busy to even get my butt to the gym lately…that’s how busy i’ve been,  every time i plan on heading there
something happens.  and no, it’s never all that good.

the past couple of weeks have been a blur, but i am hoping things are going to get better!!!

my poor baby kitten is at the vet.
i got home last night and noticed she was limping.  then her limping turned into – just not walking.  at all.
everytime i put her on her little feet, she would just lie down.  all she did was sleep.
i thought for sure one of my other critters got to her…and so i gave them attitude all night…
i contemplated taking her to emerg…but i thought i’d wait till the morning.

so we went to the vet this morning…and he couldn’t figure out why she “couldn’t” walk etc
till he took her temperature.
my baby has a fever of 105!!!!!  he had to ice her…and give her fluids.  so no she wasn’t hurt…
she wasn’t walking because she just couldn’t move.
my poor baby
as of this moment i am told her fever is gone…and i will get to take her home with me tomorrow

sigh.
i miss her so.

on to other news more blog related…i decided to take things into my own hands
i’ve been saying that i want to take Zumba classes forever now and haven’t done a thing about it.
well a couple of weeks ago after looking on line for what seemed like forever…i found something local (which believe it or not is not that easy to do)
i mean a 10 min drive away.
so i sent the instructor an email and waited and waited and waited.
well…she got back to me tonight!  turns out she missed my email – how she has no clue
anyways – she has invited me out to her class to try it for FREE!  first class is on her!!  i think – wait…i know that i am going to say yes!
i am kind of excited about it!  it’s really late at night though so that may be a struggle, but i am normally up till the wee hours so really, i’ll be doing something productive

anyone here ever Zumba?  you likey like?

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let the games begin

the next 2 days are going to be interesting.
by interesting i mean craaaaaaazy.

we have meetings back to back for two days straight.  not just any meeting.  we are talking about pretty much the whole company being flown out to a more central location for these meetings.  all the head honchos from the states are coming in too.
everyone is probably here as i type this.
it’s the type of meeting where you dress a little fancier, watch your p’s and q’s – and apparently refer to some of these higher ups as “Mr. so and so” god forbid you use someones first name.
i’ve debated taking out some of my piercings – but screw that.  this is me – the person they hired.  if they don’t like it – oh well.
(i don’t think anyone i am referring to reads this blog lol – it’s a little too lowly for them anyways)

i looked over my agenda and they never indicated any breathing time.  this is going to be intense!  i am looking forward to putting some faces to voices…and seeing some of my favourite people in the flesh again.
The Hilton by the airport is probably happenin’ tonight.  i am not sorry to be missing the shop talk but a little sorry i will be missing the ever flowing wine.
i think the hotel is completely booked with us.  i opted out of spending the nights there.
a sure sign that i am getting older.  i would rather sleep in my own bed and be in my own home.

so with these meetings comes the what the hell do i eat panic.
i can assure you that when break time comes i will be teased with bagels, muffins, donuts and anything else that is so not carb friendly.

we are getting lunches catered….but they only make exceptions for vegetarians.
this is where i get a little irked.
how hard is it to make someone something without…say rice or pasta?
anyway, i can always just not eat it…but then i hear my Greek mother yelling at me in my mind about all the starving children in the world…
and i swear i can feel her smack me.
true story.

dinner is a buffet so i am sure i can work around that.

the beverages will be flowing – but i feel no pressure partaking in the drinking festivities…as i have to drive home.
oh my boys will be so disappointed in me…
i leave as the real fun begins.

boo.

keep me in your thoughts.  i could snap

i’ll be up extra early tomorrow morning.  first stop – McDonald’s (for coffee) and then Shoppers for some snacks that will hopefully get me through the next 48 hours.

let the games begin!!!

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i am thankful

i am thankful for so much in my life:

~for the love i have – it is overwhelming and amazing

~for my family – my blood family and the one i have created

~for my friends – for the old and the new

~for my health – i am reminded that my health is a gift and i should never take it for granted

~for my home – it’s not much but it is where i want to be

~for my animals – who make me smile each and every day

~for enough money to eat – even if at times it is poorly

~for my job – which allows me to live the life that i live

~for my words – that i am still able to feel passion for writing

~for my past – it’s made me the strong, beautiful person i am today

~for this community – i have met so many inspirational people – some i call friends

i have…in abundance…everything i need.   i am extremely thankful.  i will try to remember this every single day.  it is so easy to think about the things you don’t have, rather than to be thankful for the things you do.  I have much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate today. and even if you don’t – there is never a better time to remember what you are thankful for than right now.

what are you thankful for?

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i’m bee – and i am a clothes whore

i went to the mall last night after work.

i was prepared to spend an obscene amount of money on a very special lady.
that special lady would be my mom.
see, today is her 60th birthday 🙂

my mom deserves the very best things in life
she sacrificed everything for us – to raise us…and now that we are older
it’s time to treat her like the queen that she is.

now, if she had her way…she would have all her kids over
and SHE would make US dinner and do all the clean up.
we have talked her into letting us take her out (which believe it or not was quite the struggle to have her agree)
so we are going to this high end steak house…and treating her to whatever her little heart desires.
(and i can eat on plan without temptation)

anywho…

i knew exactly what store i needed to go to…
and instead of parking close to that store…i parked at the opposite end of the mall.
why?
because i wanted to do a walk through…for myself.

ever since i lost weight – i really enjoy buying clothes.
i mean really enjoy
lol

i have never enjoyed trying on clothes at the store
i am still convinced that the change rooms are equipped with clown mirrors.
after losing the weight, i know my size(s) at my favourite stores sooooo
i can literally walk in…grab what i like…and buy it.
it makes for a very lovely shopping experience.
and a very active credit card.

even shopping for my mom’s birthday….i made it all about me.
go figure.
you know why?
cause i have a problem.  i may need a 12 step.
i am just a total clothes whore.

but i was good…i only walked out with 2 tops.
did i need them?  i say yes – because they are long sleeved and it is Fall…
but really…i probably didn’t need them.
i said no to the pants that were screaming my name
another time…another time.

i also treated myself to some kernels popcorn
it was safer than the laura secord across the way.

sometimes it’s hard being me.

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