Tag Archives: relationships

what love looks like

it looks like this

(please don’t look if you are dying for something delicious and sweet)

 

cake1

my birthday is soonish
and someone that i care about
and love

went out of her way
to make me a tiramisu cake – with her own two hands
wrap it up with her love
and Purolate it to me at work!

this cake made a 5-6 hour trip
just to end up in my tummy
(and who are we kidding, my ass and my thighs)

along with the cake came a beautiful card

and i gotta tell you

for a moment i felt like the most loved girl
in the world

and who knows

maybe in that moment i was

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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the plan is – there is no plan

that’s where things are at these days.

i haven’t written lately, because there hasn’t been much to write about…in terms of low carb and working out that is.

i have been off track.  maybe off track isn’t the right term…i’ve completely derailed in my journey to a smaller bee.

with Christmas, and then being sick, to other things, time has flown by and i cannot believe i am in to March and still trying to find my groove.

i have not been low carbing. i have also not been high carbing.
lately it’s been simple.  i eat what i crave, what i feel will nourish my soul – and not so much my body.

you would be surprised at the things i crave – and i mean insanely crave.
i crave fruit, orange juice, whole grain bread.
and then more fruit..
and again more fruit.

i crave salads and veggies and then some more fruit
and chicken salad wraps –  whole wheat.
i crave soups in a big way too.

no it’s not always that healthy.  i won’t tell you about the pizza i ate at 10 pm the other night
or what about all the Ben and Jerry’s I ate when i was sick.

i also won’t tell you how natural and good it feels.

it’s not like i’ve completely strayed, but i have definitely allowed foods back into my life that i put on the deny list years ago.

i’ve come to a few realizations.

since upping my carbs – my headaches have decreased tremendously.
i am barely getting them anymore.
that in itself is a god send to me.

i’ve also realized that the foods i crave, still affect my body in a negative way
and sometimes i wonder if it’s worth it.
but it does pass…and before long i am feeling ok again.
and i have realized that this is just how my body is wired…and always will be.

i’ve also realized that since December, i haven’t gained much weight if any at all…
my clothes all fit – and i am still battling the same bulge i was in December.

i haven’t been to the gym in a month – and although there has been a little bit of self anger, i am really not feeling as bad as i thought i would.
the gym is not off the table.  i plan on getting back to the swing of things this week.

i figure if i work out 3-4 times a week – maintain myself as i am (well i still want to lose the holiday pounds) i will be just fine.

i realized a few extra pounds on my body does not make me unworthy or less beautiful.

i realized i put too much stress on myself by feeling like i was always disappointing myself – and others.

but the biggest thing i have realized.  sometimes the soul needs more nourishment than the body
that if your soul is broken, your body is too.

right now i am concentrating on my soul.
feeding it and nourishing that part of myself.
my soul needs more care than my body right now…

and so the plan is – there is no plan.

the plan is simple.

the plan is to take care of me – whatever that may entail.

where this leads in terms of “diet” – i have no idea.  but for now, i am ok with that.



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the universe said – let it go

i love the freedom working from home gives me.
i don’t do it often, but oh how i love it when i do.

today, when lunch time rolled around…i got into my work out clothes
and went to the gym and spent my half hour off – doing some cardio.

i loved it!!!!

when i got there, i forgot to take my sweatshirt off – i suppose because i was so cold

i see other people all bundled up working out and think to myself – my lord that person is going to die from the heat…how do they do it?!?!

but it was good!!!  i sweat more – and so i felt like i got more out if it.
it was great – and the place was a ghost town which is even better!
i got home – and went back to work.

it was a productive week.

now on to completely unrelated news…and a shout out to the universe:

as i was in my car today – i looked up and looked at an air freshener i’ve had for years – seriously – at least 5 years.
my ex had given to me it as a gift of some sort.

obviously it didn’t work as an air freshener for the longest time…but i loved it.
it is a little stiletto heel – and i have never been able to find one like it…
so i kept it – for its cuteness factor.
i have zero sentimental attachment to this thing…it’s just something i like to look at.

so as i was driving i was just wondering to myself if i should just throw it away
yeah it was cute – but it wasn’t anything i needed…and i don’t want to hold on to things that have no place in my life (like gifts from ex’s)

as i pondered this for a few minutes, i looked up at it – and literally in that exact moment
it fell off my rear view mirror and on the the floor.
the part that held it there completely disintegrated.

i guess i got my answer ehh?
another lesson in letting go.

i love me some universe!

hope you all have a great weekend – it’s going to be a good one!!!

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somebody i used to know

i found this amazingly awesome cover on Facebook and couldn’t stop listening and watching!

enjoy

tonight we are off for some Thai/Vietnamese food.  a restaurant we’ve been wanting to go to for some time…

I’ve never had Vietnamese food…not that i know of anyways…so this will be fun, fun, fun!!

Hope everyone’s weekend is going great!!!

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words to live by

i have seen this several times and loved it every single time i read it.  i tend to delete forwards i receive, but something made me open the forward i got last night…and this writing was the forward.  i also found this posted on a friends facbook this morning.

i think the universe is trying to tell me i need to spread the word 🙂  Enjoy:

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing”.

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my realizations

i had a wonderful New Year.

i spent it with people i loved – the whole day a celebration.
i hope to live the rest of the year with that much love.
every single day.

the evening was very quiet and intimate.  spent with a couple of people who are very important in my life.
we had dinner by candle light and a few glasses of wine.
no, no one got wasted or stupid – it’s amazing how much we have all matured! lol

there was alot of laughter and love.
it made me realize that this is exactly how i want my life to be.

i want my life to be simple – filled with a small circle of friends who have more than enough love
to give…
and i to give to them.

i want to spend my life laughing, being intimately involved with all of the people i care for in my life. (no not in a sexual way lol)

i want to have more dinners by candle light.  i want to drink wine with friends and crave their company.
i want to show appreciation for every single relationship i have created in my life.

i want my last night of 2011 to reflect my destiny for 2012…and always.

i realize i do not ask for alot – but you would be surprised at how absolutely incredible it is to be able to say…

i am loved…i am lucky…i am blessed.

this seems like an appropriate time to throw in one of my favourite quotes:

“may the best of your past be the worst of your future.

all the best to everyone for 2012 and always.

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cold hands, warm heart

before i could barely unpack from Christmas, i was packed and ready for my 4 day road trip.

i was not prepared. lol

we went from temperatures hovering around zero – to temperatures reaching -24.  seriously.  i couldn’t make that up if i tried.
that wasn’t the best part though – our first day on the road was in a kick ass blizzard.  the kind that had me silently praying to god to see tomorrow
it was terrible.
we spent about 6 hours driving in those conditions – talk about white knuckling it!

and it was so much fun!!
is that wrong?

i posted a video of part of the drive on facebook – go on and take a look if you are my friend!

it was cold, i mean Nunavut cold – i didn’t pack accordingly – but i had the best time!!!!!

i ate.  a hell of alot.  i mean i could have won awards….i was bad – and it was oh so good!!!!  look, you only live once…and i lived it UP!

look at a couple of my breakfasts!!!

we had an impromptu meet up with some really good friends – which was wonderful!  the unexpected is always the best!!

i spent 50 bucks on a winter hat and mittens.  i also scored a phone number.  John – oh how i miss him.  he gave me a discount on my items and another free pair of gloves lol
score for my ego!

so this was me prepared to head out doors:  i love my monkey hat!

our last night there we went to a different hotel.  i was wearing my hat, gloves, scarf and was still shaking.  i think the lady felt sorry for me and we got a free room upgrade lol.
i guess i had wimpy tourist written all over me lol

i am exhausted.  i am getting ready to pour myself a glass of wine and then head off to bed.

tomorrow is another crazy busy day.  a big gathering with loved ones to celebrate the new year – and then later in the evening another gathering.
the love never ends.  and the food won’t either!

i am so excited about 2012.  i am not sure why.  i haven’t felt this excited about a new year – in forever.  i can only assume some wonderful, magical things are in the works for me.
i say bring it on.

i don’t make new years resolutions.  i find they stress me out and put too much pressure on me.

i just plan on being the best bee i can be. to love and be loved.  to be kind.  to be generous.  to give of myself what i expect others to give to me.

i just plan on being me.

all the best to all of you for 2012!!  see you in the new year!

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i finally found it!

Christmas spirit.

it wasn’t in the gifts…or under the tree.

it wasn’t in my niece literally freaking out when she opened the gifts i got her – although i gotta say the joy in that little girl didn’t hurt.
it wasn’t about the monetary value of everything i was given – although i was spoiled rotten this year.

i guess i had always looked in those places for some sort of fulfilment.
but it was always anti climactic.  there has always been such a build up to the one day…so much rushing around…so much money to be spent, for literally minutes of gratification.
it’s always been a let down.
not that it wasn’t nice…because Christmas has always been “nice”.  just not as amazingly awesome as people build it up to be.

no, i never really found the Christmas spirit.

but i did this year.

i found it in my family…both blood, and the family i have created.
i found it around the dinner table – gathered around so many people i love…and that love me.
i found it in the conversation, in my fathers eyes…my mothers smile.
in the strangers we welcomed with open arms to our home.
i found it in all the children…all the new additions to my family –  blood and my own.

i found it when my niece jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck and said “auntie bee, i love you so much…you are my best friend”
long after the gifts had been unwrapped.
i found it in my nephews smile the moment he laid his eyes on me…reaching out for me to hold him
i found it when my niece only wanted me to take her potty…and kissed me and said thank you.
i found it in the card she signed all by herself.

i found Christmas spirit when i cooked dinner tonight.  sure, the turkey was already made…but i made the rest of it  and i felt great doing so.
sitting in love – enjoying this time…because this is a memory…a moment i can look back on and smile…and remember the overwhelming love i felt in that very moment – 20 years later.

i didn’t count carbs, calories, obsess about when i would find time to go to the gym.
i didn’t care that all the food i have consumed over these past weeks would result in junk in my trunk, and make my clothes snug.

i learned this year, the spirit of the season.
it’s about the people who surround you…it’s about the people that love you…and that you love.

none of these people care about the size of my waist, or the calories i count.  they care about me.  just me.  and what a wonderful feeling that is.

this year i felt a sense of peace that i have never felt before.  a feeling of such extreme love for those in my life, i could never write down in words.
it’s just unexplainable.
i am at a loss for words…and that’s ok.  because this feeling inside me – is not for me to explain…it’s for me to enjoy and appreciate.
i am such a very lucky girl.  it amazes me how lucky i really am.

this my friends is Christmas spirit.

the Christmas joy continues…the next few days will no doubt be equally amazing.

for once in my life…i can honestly say, i love Christmas.
and it had nothing to do with the presents under the tree.

it’s about love.  true honest love.
how simple is that???
how did i not get that?

tomorrow i travel a couple of hours to see my best friend – an extension of my already crazy big family.
i can’t wait.

i hope your Christmas was beautiful as mine.
it just keeps getting better.

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i just can’t wait!

i wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

i won’t be around for a while, i will be celebrating the holidays with my family and then i am heading off on a road trip!  i am SOOOO excited!

this past month there hasn’t been much to write about over here.  i’ve been rather open with my diet and not so present at the gym.
i decided not to even begin stressing about it – i have my whole life – and right now over Christmas – i am just living.
the gym will be there in the new year, and so will my new mind set.

2012 is right around the corner.  i get very excited about New Years.  It means new beginnings to me.  New Hope.  New Life.
i am very excited about a clean slate!!!

I will be conquering my Zumba fear in 2012 – and continuing my healthy life style with new motivation.
I am so excited about what the New Year will bring.  to me that is better than Christmas.

May you all have a safe and happy holiday and love your loved ones!!

I receive emails from a website called bravegirlsclub.  i love getting emails from them almost as much as i love getting them from the universe.
the one i got this morning seems very fitting.  a wonderful reminder as the New Year sweeps in.

Dear Beloved Girl,

When we have old things in our hands that we are afraid of being without, with our fists tightly clenched around those things…and we walk around fearing what will happen if we ever open our hands and let those things go…when we worry whether or not anything else will make it’s way into our lives…if we will ever have enough…if our hands will always remain empty if we open them and let the old clenched stuff go………..if we keep doing that, we will NEVER be able to grasp onto what is meant for us.

What is done is done. What is over is over. We are meant to move forward, we are meant to progress. Everything natural and beautiful and true and living was designed to constantly be renewing itself, progressing, living living living and then dying….going on to the next step of it’s life cycle. When we clench old things in our hands, we prevent new things from being able to hold hands with us. New experiences, new things to learn, new relationships, new things that we don’t even know exist yet.

Today is a great day to finally let go. It will be ok. In fact……..it will be incredible.It might hurt for a minute, just like all endings do…….but the new beginning that is just behind the ending (the ending that is long past due) is where the miracles are. Hold on to that hope…but let the rest go.

Let it go.It is time.
You are so very very very loved.

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