Tag Archives: pets

one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.


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sweet slumber

i can’t sleep, but i am so tired.

with everything that happened this morning playing like a horror film in my head
i wonder if i will sleep tonight at all.

it’s nights like these i don’t like nights like these.

my mind is on repeat.  everything is being chewed over and over and over.

one thing leads to another…to another…and all of a sudden the whole worlds issues become my own.

i know, i am rambling.

i worked out tonight.  i had such a headache but could not sit still in my own skin.
i needed to move…i needed to do anything and everything but just sit and be stagnant.
maybe a work out would leave me thought free for 45 minutes.

i am pretty sure i had a good work out – truth is i barely remember going through the motions
one minute i was starting and the next it was over…my body covered in sweat…
i fell into the shower and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

today was just so unexplainable.

everything was normal.
and then the next minute…there was nothing normal about the day.

one moment Cody was bouncing around, happy…normal
and literally the next minute she was on the ground…gone.

it makes no sense to me.


and so i am wide awake chewing and mulling and missing.

sometimes a girl doesn’t care about eating what’s best and doing the best for her body
sometimes a girl just wants to be

but oddly enough all i want to do is throw myself in to some physical exertion…
just keep moving…non stop

i’m afraid falling into this funk that i feel would be counterproductive.

a friend told me tonight…one day i will be grateful that Cody took the decision from our hands and left on her own.
i know that day will come.
it’s just today is so not that day.

i won’t lie…a nice big bowl of anything carb related would be wonderful right now.
but i won’t.

i’ve lost 3 furbabies in the past 14 months.
there is something so not right about that.
actually i put Ben down 14 months ago tomorrow…

like i’ve said before…..some people have children, me?  i got my furbabies.

hope you guys are all in la-la land and sorry for my rambles.

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i have nothing witty or sarcastic to blog about today.
if you are looking for inspiration or motivation, sadly you have entered the wrong blog.
i’m not in the mood to be funny or stupid….
i just sit here broken.

yesterday we put down our resident cat…Mamma.
Mamma blessed my life for 16 years.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.
I’m hesitant to discuss the depth of my emotion on such an open platform.  there are people who just don’t understand the love between a human and the pet that owns them.
some people have children.
i have my furbabies.
and i feel so broken.

Mamma claimed my heart in my 2nd year of college…
she was with me for most of my whole adult life.
she was the one who took care of me when i had surgery…laid on my chest and growled at any one who came near me.
she would curl herself up against my head in bed if i was unwell or sad
and she would tell me stories the moment i would walk through the door.
and that purr…she was a motor…there was nothing like her purr.

i feel like i have lost so much.
she represented so much.
she was so much
and i am so broken.

she fought until the very absolute end..and even at the end…she fought some more.
she didn’t want to die.
physically, she was ready to go.  she was ready to let go…however i was not.  But i guess it’s not all about me now is it.

so no…i haven’t fit in a work out…i’m surprised i’ve even eaten…
but i know that this too shall pass.  i will come back…and i will be me.  but i think my heart just needs to hurt right now.

i will leave you with this…cause i gotta be me…
in my sadness…my total grief…i cheated.
i had ONE fry.  yup.  one.
it’s a bad day when i don’t even know how to comfort eat
it’s a sad, sad day in bee world
i literally just lost my best friend…

and i am broken.

here is one of the last pictures i took of her…my little poser

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