Tag Archives: personal

body dysmorphia

i’m pretty sure i struggle with this.

i am sure alot of people do.

i decided to change my life (for the 10th millionth time) last August.
i was struggling with what i saw in the mirror every day.
although i was working out and eating relatively healthy…i just wasn’t consistent
i would fall off the wagon and jump back on
over and over and over.

finally something snapped inside of me
and i needed to change

it started with me buying a program from beachbody that terrified me
and committing myself to finish it.
i am no stranger to their programs – but this one was tough
and i was going to do it.
21 day fix – 3 weeks to a better you. it comes with a meal plan and portion control containers
this was my first time swaying from my low carb lifestyle and doing exercises that beyond challenged me
i still to this day will swear at Autumn (the instructor) as i’m pushing myself

i am happy to say i DID complete it. more than once.
I am currently on my 7th round. SEVENTH!
i did a couple of other programs in between
but apparently this is my go to.

this is where the mind plays tricks on you.

i have been consistent for 11 months
i work out 6 days a week.
my diet is 80-90% clean (i have the occasional cheat meal – i AM human)
i needed 3 weeks off for an injury i sustained from working out
and then i took a month off from coming down with the most horrible flu of my life
but other than that – i’ve been on track.

i never weigh myself
but i did measure
as of January 7th i lost a total of 22.75 inches off my whole body!
and i haven’t measured since
my clothes are fitting much looser – and some things from last year are just too big to wear
depending on where i shop – i am down 1-2 sizes
and according to Victoria’s Secret, i am down two cup sizes (to some people’s disappointment lol)
i take pictures to see progress…

and i see it. but i definitely don’t register it.

i see the me i was last august – if not bigger

and even though it makes absolutely zero sense
that is exactly how i feel

i feel like i have made no progress
no matter how my clothes fit – or what pictures tell me

it makes me want to give up
makes me want to quit

but what will that do for me?

just make me even more miserable than i already am

i feel good. i feel healthier. i have alot more energy
i love the way i eat…and even though alot of times i dread working out
i never regret a work out

i ordered a dress on line a few weeks ago
i never buy clothes on line
anyway it came the other day. i just looked at it and thought no freaking way am i getting my body in to this
i threw it aside and never even bothered
i called it the barbie doll dress – because i am sure it wasn’t designed to fit a human body

last night i tried it on
honestly – just to see how funny i would look in it
get a few laughs

it fit – it fit nicely
and my jaw dropped

form fitting – tiny – sexy even

and it fit

not sure why i’m shocked – since i work my ass off every single day

but this is where i am at
feeling uncomfortable in my skin – even though the results are there

next week i have to go bikini shopping

i’m going to need someone to talk me off the ledge
and keep me away from all the comfort food i’m going to want to devour

it’s a struggle
but i’m trying

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defeat

i haven’t been here for a while – i know

but just because i haven’t been writing – doesn’t mean i haven’t been working

i’ve been working my ass off actually

it’s been almost a year since i’ve gotten serious about my health

from January to August i saw very little results

i did some research and realized how important it is to eat the right kinds of food, portion control etc

i changed my low carb lifestyle in August – and i haven’t looked back

going away on a much deserved dream vacation – changed my life
literally.
everything inside me shifted
all my perceptions, my sorrows, my stress

it all shifted

and then shit got real

it became about me
for once
self love. self acceptance
what would make me happy?

for once – i was putting myself first

my fitness and diet were number one.
i started joining challenge groups. worked out religiously every day
allowing myself a rest day to restore my muscles

i incorporated weights in to my life

and the transformation was incredible

here is a mini breakdown

in 3 weeks i lost a total of 9.5 inches

4 weeks later another 7.5 inches

3 weeks later i lost another 1.5 inches

10 weeks – 18.5 inches of my body gone!!!

So i recently joined a 30 day challenge group. 30 days of working out.
and what was i doing?
MMA style fighting

it was a challenge that scared me – but excited me

i went from 3 months ago attempting to do a push up and literally falling on my face
to being able to do push ups for a minute straight

and the plank – the dreaded plank. i could only start off modified
now i can do variations and hold it. each one for a minute

the strength that i am building is incredible

and i realized that’s what i want. a strong body. to match my strong will
i want healthy. i want the challenge. i want to better myself every day

enter day 23 of the challenge. this was tough work. the work outs were long and exhausting

i woke up that morning with a sore shoulder – but i pushed play anyway

and then by the evening – the pain i was in was – i cannot even describe

woke up the next morning worse. i couldn’t do my hair – i couldn’t even put my bra on.
even driving hurt
getting dressed was impossible

got up this morning and literally cried. the pain was so intense.
i slept in a bra because i was afraid to face that challenge in the morning

i went to urgent care.
i had xrays and go in for an ultra sound on monday.
she suspects a pulled or torn tendon in my rotator cuff

did i mention that the pain is incredible?

she gave me kick ass pain killers so i could sleep. i haven’t slept in two days
(she actually told me that if i get out of bed for some reason in the middle of the night – to plant both feet on the ground and slowly stand lol)
some anti inflammatories and muscle relaxers

i popped a muscle relaxer as soon as i got home – and it took forever to work
but once it did
my oh my
i went and had a glorious one hour nap with my babies
i feel like wonder woman
so much so i debated going for a run

but the doc said absolutely no exercise until we know what we are dealing with

i looked at her and said…doc – i can’t even put a bra on – i don’t think i’ll be working out

anyway

my point

and i always have one

i feel defeated.

i joined a challenge with several people – and had 23 days done. only another 7 to go
and everything has come to a complete stand still
and it makes me feel like a failure
completely defeated

i want to keep moving because i am afraid if i stop
my old self will come through
and not want to start

so maybe i’ll walk

i’ll join the retirees at the mall and do some power walking 🙂
that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea

now more than ever – my food has to be on point.

i feel defeated – but i am never going back

annnnd – i’ve decided that even though i didn’t finish my challenge – i will still measure myself
see how i did
because i didn’t quit – i was all in

but sometimes life happens
and things get in the way

doesn’t make me any less of a person
my intentions are true
and my goals are real

now that i see it in black and white

nothing about my attitude spells failure or defeat

just a strong, determined woman who may or may not need a lesson in patience 😉

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out of the mouth of babes

laying on the beach – getting sun kissed
my gorgeous 7 year old niece wanted to go into the water with me
she’s begging me to get up

and so up i got

she looks at me and says – auntie bee? why does your belly button disappear when you sit up?

it took me a second or two to register – and before i could say anything – miss tiny skinny minnie says – it’s ok…mine does too.
(bless her little heart)

i started laughing
you know the laugh
that kind of laugh that comes from deep in your belly and it’s hard to catch your breath – tears in your eyes

i said – i am a little older than you baby – i have more skin

i grabbed her hand and off we went in to the water and had the time of our lives

had anyone else said that to me
i probably would have been horrified – and covered myself up immediately
i would have stewed over it for days – and shoved my mouth full of comfort food
i would have felt sorry for myself and no doubt would cry buckets of tears

but she’s seven.
not only is she 7 – but i watch her – looking at other women – their bodies – their figures – even their breasts
comparing herself – assessing herself
she picks herself apart
she bragged to me how the one piece she was wearing was a size smaller than what she should be wearing
where does she get this? because it certainly isn’t coming from us – her family.

did i mention she is 7?

she refused to wear a bikini – and felt more comfortable in a one piece
that was fine with me – i told her she could wear whatever bathing suit she wanted

later we went shopping and she was eyeballing a bikini
she called me over and told me she loved it
i asked her what about that bikini she liked

it was padded. it would give her a chest

she’s 7

did her honest little question sting?
sure
but she was just asking a question.
she loves me. doesn’t care what i weigh, or what size my clothes are
she loves me

and i love her

and because i love her – i hope to god my reaction to her question was all the answer that she needed

who cares if you can’t see your belly button when you sit down

i am still awesome – i can still play in the water with her – we can still laugh and have a great time
annnnnnnd
i will flaunt this kick ass body in a bikini any day!

belly button or no belly button at all

and i hope – that as she gets older – she will do the same damn thing

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self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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slight glitch

so i’ve been a work out machine over the past few months

the odd part of it all?

i am loving it. i think that “loving” could be an understatement actually

it’s the highlight of my day – almost every single day

i am in love with Shaun T and his Cize dvd’s
seriously i cannot get enough

So over the weekend
i was wired. i don’t know where my energy came from
but i had a lot of it

i worked out for 2 hours on the Saturday
and i felt amazing

Sunday i did another hour and a half
and when i was done
my ankle just felt “off”

so i did what any other sane person would do
and did another hour on Monday

by the end of that work out
i was in pain
soooo much pain

i managed to get myself showered – and almost fell going up the stairs

i could barely put any weight on my foot

look down…and my ankle had been replaced by a softball
or so it seemed

and what did i do the next day?
loaded up on advil – bought an ankle support thingy – hobbled the whole day through
and still intended on working out
(how i am not really sure)

it didn’t happen

i ended up going to the walk in on wednesday
i could have swore something was cracked in there

(i should mention, i parked two blocks away…on purpose…to get more exercise – yes even though i believed i might have a fractured ankle.  i’m a sad human)

after a few xrays – i was all clear
no fracture

just a bad sprain – caused by the bad sprain i had a couple years ago

no working out for at least a week

what??!?!?!

the doc said i was able to go on walks though

ok….
so i will walk

10k is not considered a work out is it?

cause that’s what i was going to do. that night i got dressed…not giving a damn what i looked like
(and i looked ahhhmazing)

ankle.jpg

i started my very fast paced 10k

until i stopped

and managed 4k
4k too many i think

because wow – by the time i got home
i had tears in my eyes
and couldn’t even get myself to the couch

advil and ice
my new best friends

but the problem my friends is….

i just can’t sit still

so i did it again tonight

i debated working out – but talked myself out of it

took a new scenic route today
and almost cried

i’d say about 60% of that walk was on an incline
and my ankle doesn’t seem to like it that much

but i made it

barely

i’m stretched out on my couch
icing my poor excuse for an ankle

feeling somewhat defeated
but thinking of ways to still get my groove on

you know what’s a little frightening?

i am getting more exercise with a bummed out ankle
than i was just a few months ago
when i was physically capable
almost twice as much from what my fitbit is telling me

another scary thought?

i’ve been at this for quite some time
and don’t really notice a physical difference
which is really defeating
other people have commented
but the weight loss is excruciatingly sloooowwwwww

it’s true
the older you get
the harder it is to drop the weight
and that’s a sad sad realization
when i know i will be in a bathing suit in about a month

poor me

so that’s it

i’m sitting here
ankle throbbing
convinced i will be cured
and will get my groove on in my underpants tomorrow

positive thinking never hurt right?

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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