Tag Archives: past

the power of friendship

i had a day yesterday.  not a bad day.  just a day.

i was unexpectedly sucked into a time vortex and it had me feeling rather blaaaahhhhh.

nothing good comes from over thinking anything…especially things that you cannot change.
i was going to blog about it yesterday…but i didn’t even have the energy to put in words what it was that i was feeling.
i didn’t even know what it was that i was feeling.
besides it would be a blog next door thing…

i like to use my past as a measuring tool.  to see where i came from and where i am now.
i certainly don’t like to sit in it and dwell and think and wonder about the what ifs and run scenarios around in my head that ultimately…at the end of the day really just don’t matter.
the past is buried.  you cannot bring back to life what’s dead…
am i making any sense? lol
it’s ok…it’s for me to understand anyways.

it is what it is.

and what it was yesterday was gym day.

i had zero desire to go get my sweat on if i gotta be honest with you.
i just wanted to go home and bake a cheesecake…and eat it lol
or better yet, i just wanted to go home and drink a glass of wine or two.

but my gym buddy was not cancelling on me.
if she wasn’t cancelling…i couldn’t either.

so we went with me having zero motivation – which i gotta say…never happens.
i just didn’t want to be there.
i just wanted to be at home chewing and mulling thoughts…cause you know that’s productive!

my gym buddy… who i shall refer to as GB from now on..as it takes less time to type out…
knew what was going on in my head…as we talked during the day.
she knew where i was at…and it was her mission to get me outta that head space.

she had me on an elliptical race.  we went on one…and it just didn’t feel right
and so we went to the other side of the room on two other ones…where they still didn’t feel right…
i guess i had a pained expression on my face…
and we looked at eachother…
which initiated the kind of laughter i can only describe as forbidden.
you know the kind…laughing hysterically at church…or a funeral.
the more we tried not to laugh, the louder it came out…with me at one point actually trying to
cross my legs while on the elliptical…cause well…i was gonna pee in my pretty yoga pants.
i do believe if i had a free hand i woulda grabbed my crotch and done my famous pee-pee dance
(ok it’s only famous around my friends, but whatever don’t judge me!)

we got looks…we were outta control…
we couldn’t breathe from working out and laughing at the same time.

and in that very moment i knew i was exactly where i needed to be.

and in that very moment i was grateful for my amazing friendships, grateful for the people that get me…understand the way my head works and bring me out of it.

ya know…each friend in my life is uniquely different….
with GB i can vent to my heart’s content…and laugh until the tears run down my face.

and so the world didn’t end yesterday because i was forced down memory lane.
(it’s supposed to end on the 21st anyways right?)
no, the world did not shut down and stop existing…

the world is exactly as it should be…and i was reminded that where i am…is more than good enough..because… i am loved.

sooooooooooooooooo anyways…

in honour of my girl Adele performing in my awesome city tonight…click here to get your hump on 🙂

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the hummingbird

when i was thinking about today’s blog, it dawned on me how personal this really is to me.
and how it completely belongs here.

so i guess i kind of lied yesterday.  sometimes, on the odd occasion, you may find a piece of my soul in here.
and i am ok with that.

when i was 17, i decided to get a tattoo.
i guess on the outside i was a typical teenager, wanting to express myself…wanting to find my place.

i was always so much deeper than anyone i knew.  i was an old soul.

i wasn’t going to just mark my body for something to do…it had to mean something to me.
and at that time…and to this day…the hummingbird has meant something to me.

back then, i was ill.
very ill.
the details are much too personal to post here, but it’s safe to say i was not well.
i think the worst part was, i just never told anyone that i was sick.
not my family, not my friends.
i kept it inside, and worried myself to death.

it was a dark time…add an illness – or i should say illnesses
plus the regular drama of teenage life.
i was a lost little girl.

when i looked at the hummingbird, it made me feel alive.
it was small, beautiful, it’s colours so very vibrant.
like me…
like i could be.

but i was dead inside.
black inside.
no colour, no life.

the tattoo represented who i was inside
somewhere in there, there was a healthy girl…alive…vibrant.
waiting ever so patiently to come out and shine.

one day, the inside would match the outside.

20 years have passed since then.
i’ve been plagued with other health issues, struggled through the worry.
3 surgeries later (2 were 4 weeks apart)
and 1 full year of follow ups…
and i am intact.
healthy as can bee 🙂

through the years, the hummingbird has faded, the colours have bled into themselves
and what once was a vision of beauty…became something old, worn and forgotten.

for years i have been talking about getting it touched up.
but there has never been time, or money…there’s always been something more important to do.
but i hated looking at that hummingbird in the mirror
because 20 years later, it looked exactly how my 17 year old self felt.

i was beyond that.
but there was my reminder…staring me in the face every single day.

last night i was gifted something so amazing, i haven’t the words to describe how i feel.
(the fact that YOU knew what this meant to me..that you actually heard what it meant to me, means more than the actual gift itself)

i was gifted with my tattoo.

my tattoo has been touched up and is even more beautiful than i can remember it ever being.

and i feel like i have come full circle.

my outsides match my insides now.

i am the hummingbird.  i am alive, healthy and vibrant and whole.
i am all that i prayed that i could be.

i was thinking about this in the car on the way home…
and i started to cry…without warning.
the tears were the realization, that i have indeed come full circle.

i was so dead inside, and that tattoo 20 years ago made me feel alive.

today…i’m alive.
the tattoo reflects everything…everything i was intended to be.
the healthy, happy, vibrant old soul standing in front of you.

i looked up the meaning of hummingbirds last night, and this couldn’t be more fitting:

In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timeless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

i’d say that’s pretty much bang on.

Just so you get an idea of what they look like…

here is my tattoo friend prepping me lol:

and here is the before and after pic!

thank you my suprise gift giver.  i love you, you rock my socks!!

if you are in the Toronto area, and want to be inked…be sure to check out:

Phat Buddha
1769 Danforth Ave
Toronto, On


ask for Tyler – ’cause he rocks my socks too.

i know i will be going back again soon…i already know what i want!  i’ve been thinking about it for well over a decade, and tonight it came to me!

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deep thoughts by bee

those of you that read the blog next door know probably three things about me.
one – i am pretty random
two – i’m pretty deep
three – my heart is pretty much an open book.

if you are a regular reader of this blog…you probably just know that i am random 🙂
today i am hopped up with energy…and perhaps a little deep…we shall see where this goes!
could be scary.

it’s been raining over here non stop for about 3 days.  i love my rainy days…but c’mon….enough is enough!
rainy days are for making love…staying in bed…or going to the gym apparently.

please note that the third option has only recently become an option lol

going to the gym has given me a lot of free time in my head.  i swear i come up with so many answers and conclusions in my mind…it even fascinates me!  my bath tub used to be the place where i solved the worlds problems…but now it seems that the gym’s the place to be!

there are only a hand full of things you can do while you are kicking butt on an elliptical.
you can watch yourself sweating and breathing heavy in the mirror. (i do not recommend this option)
you can watch TV with no sound
or… you can people watch.

i am a total people watcher.  people fascinate me.
even more so at the gym.

you’ve got the hard core people.  they are there to get their work out in…these people are serious and leave you alone.  i love these people.  and their bodies are like pieces of fine art.  these people are my eye candy.

then there are the people that you just know have body issues.  it’s kind of sad to actually watch.
there is a woman i see regularly, who probably does a half hour at the crunch machine alone.  she probably weighs 80 pounds soaking wet. She does the crunch machine and then runs to the scale to weigh herself.  she then gets on her cardio machine of choice…does about 15 minutes and then runs over to the scale to weigh herself.
this…this just makes me sad.

then you got the social circle.  you know…the girls that come to the gym looking perfect. water bottle in hand, towel over their shoulder…make up perfect.
they are either found in the corner of the room talking away…or better yet, sitting on machines gabbing away…with no intentions of actually using said machines.

and this is the one that gets me.  the women who carry their cell phones with them.
don’t get me wrong.  i understand that some have to…perhaps they have children or are waiting for a very important call…i get that
but what about the texting and working out.  you know…stopping in the middle of a set to text someone.
or being in the middle of a work out and answering a call…so you stop working out…to take the call???
can’t the phones just be put away for an hour or so people?

the best was yesterday.  as i am slowly dying on the elliptical…the woman beside me is on a social call.
talking away for about 20 of the 30 minutes i was on the machine.
how is that possible?
i need both hands available at all times…in case my body decides to collapse from sheer exhaustion!
also, if i were on the phone…while working out…the person on the other end might think they were talking to some sex hot line with all the heavy breathing going on.
so i ask.  how much did that woman get out of her work out???

and just a shout out to the spunky older woman i see at the gym often.
yes, it’s true.  i was fixated on your ass.
i am sure you could feel my eyes burning a hole through your pants.
to clarify – it was not because i wanted to look at your ass…but because you made me.
i get that you are spunky, and seem really nice and funny…and you always smile and say hello to me.
but there is just something so very wrong for ANYONE to be wearing pants that say “Hot Lips” on the ass…but on someone over 60…well…too much and too far.
i felt like shouting out “my eyes!!!  my eyes!!!!!”

the joys of people watching!!

but the best times are when i am alone in my head, working out…and i get sucked into a time travel vortex.
the times i have awe inspiring a-ha moments and see how i’ve grown.
realizing that the path i chose for myself was the only path for me.
that losing people and things that i thought i could never live without, are people and things i could never live with.
that my heart is whole, and my soul is happy.
that i have come a long way baby in the past year and a bit.
that i am worthy of having respect and love in my life and will never again settle for anything less.
all these life lessons that go on in my head.
i thank everyone who has been in my life at some point, the good the bad, and the ugly…for helping me become who i am today.
couldn’t have done it without the pain, or without the pleasure.

see now i am just getting deep.  I’ll save it for next door.

happy Friday everyone…have an awesome weekend!!!

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