Tag Archives: one year

one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.

 

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how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

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one year

On Saturday, while sitting on a bench…taking a breather from shopping…
i became engrossed in people watching – i love it.

a girl walked by me that caught my eye…and so i did a double take.
i looked over at my lovely shopping companion and mentioned to her…that i thought the woman walking by looked just like me – body wise.

she looked at me as if i had 3 heads and said “is that really what you think you look like?”

ummm yeah…that’s what i mean by she looks just like me lol

apparently she didn’t see it.  not even close she said.  she then pointed out random women walking by and pointed out similar features – which i myself did not see.

I think i know what i look like.  i see myself every day right??

it’s all about perception i s’pose.

one day a couple of years ago i actually met my doppelganger – standing in line waiting for my shawarma.
it was crazy to look at a person and see yourself staring back.  but that’s another blog for another day…and more for the blog next door.

so it got me to thinking – but of course 🙂

last year this time, i was bikini shopping for my amazing vacation.
(has it been a year already???)

i was stressed and nervous, but i also felt pretty good about myself.  it had been 3 months of clean eating and i had just incorporated turbo jam in to my routine.
the pounds were flying off…and so of course i was feeling good.

i felt damn good.  so good in fact, the bikini rarely stayed on…as we preferred to swim nekkid any chance we got!!!!
me.naked.
who knew?

it wasn’t a cockiness…far from it actually.  i think it was the first time in a long time i felt comfortable in my own skin and i didn’t give a crap what anyone thought about me…nekkid. lol

i look back at those pictures now – a year later…and i wonder – girl what were you thinking??
i mean good on me for feeling confidant and trying to rock the bikini…
but really…
what i saw last year i don’t see now.

a year has passed…and it’s amazing how much can change in one year.
i could probably write a novel about all the significant, life altering changes i’ve experienced in the past year.
i am not the same girl i was last year, and i don’t intend to be the same girl next year.
life is all about changing – and for once i am completely open to that.

so what’s changed on the health/diet/weight loss front since last year?

well…i’ve continued eating healthy (more often than not)
i work out at the gym at least 3 times a week
i’ve lost at least 10-15 pounds since then.

and when i put two pictures side by side…i can visually see the changes.

the pic on the left is last year (no i’m not nekkid lol), the pic on the right is just from a couple of weeks ago.

i see the changes in my body from last year to this year…
i see where i’ve lost the most weight (boobs and belly)
i can see that i’m more toned
i can see the weight loss still didn’t take away my dimples 🙂

so why does the mere thought of sporting a bikini make me want to hurl?
maybe cause what i see, i don’t really feel?

in my mind i don’t think i am anywhere near where i want to be in order to rock a bikini
i can’t even fathom putting one on and feeling comfortable.

so what changed since last year?  last year i was confidant enough to rock it…
why not now?

like i said…i can see the differences when you place the pictures side by side…but i just can’t mentally wrap my head around it i don’t think.
i think that when i look in the mirror – i still see bee from 2009.

and not to worry…summer is here kids…and i will be rockin’ a bikini whether i want to or not.  my attitude hasn’t changed.  i still don’t care what anyone thinks of me 🙂

one year – a lot of things change…some things just stay the same.

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365 days – a year revisited

the number to the left is significant to me for several reasons.
one – it is my favourite number.  two – it is the day that i was born, and the third,
this is the amount of weight in pounds i have lost in the past 365 days.
18 pounds might not sound like anything much, but for me…it’s a lot.
and really this is about the journey.  what brought me right here.

the actual anniversary of my biggest life change is tomorrow.
but since i started this on a Monday…i thought it appropriate to reminisce today.

last year at this time…i made a life altering decision.  sure, initially i was forced into it…but it was the best push of my life.

last year at this time…i was tired.  I was so tired with the direction my life took, the decisions i was making, the people that i kept in my circle. tired of being sick.
i had had enough of everything that was negative and toxic in my life.  everything.
i was tired of crying all the time…feeling poorly about myself.  honestly…i felt so damn worthless.
all that toxicity was making me sad, depressed and very unhealthy.
i used food to make me feel better…and all it did was make me feel worse.

last year this time i remember sitting here…exactly where i sit now
a shell.
broken.
a total mess if i must be honest with you.
i hated the person i greeted in the mirror every single day.  and no it wasn’t just about the weight…it was about me.
everything i had become.
a person i didn’t like at all.

and there in that very moment began the letting go.
i did some major house cleaning.  i knew that i was better than the person i was representing.
better than everything i allowed in my life.
and so the letting go began.  in every single aspect of my life.
the fridge was immediately cleaned out.  anything and everything toxic was thrown away. all the toxic food was replaced with healthy, whole foods.
friendships were terminated…immediately.  although some had been over for some time…they took up residence in my head…and so phone numbers, old emails…all contact information to old toxic ghosts were also deleted.
i am not kidding when i say that within moments…i felt a shift within myself.

i was like a woman on fire.  i took everything so seriously.
my health was my top priority.

when i started to notice slight physical differences…i also noticed a shift in my mental health.
i was happier, i smiled more, had more energy, i started to love my life again, and in turn loved the people who were in it like they deserved to be loved.
everything seemed to go hand in hand.

when i finally introduced working out into my life…that is when the major differences started to show.
the shape of my body changed…my energy level was out of control…
and the rush i get from a good work out is still indescribable.

it was like i found a top secret happy combination…and there was no way i was letting it go.

not that it was always easy…because it wasn’t.  there were times i wasn’t happy with my results…how slow the changes seemed to be coming. i just wanted to give up.  i cannot tell you how vital my friendships, both in real life and in the blogging world were and still are to my successes.
each and everyone of you know who you are…and i thank you from the bottom of my itty bitty heart.

i don’t know how many inches I’ve lost…
but i am not afraid to tell you what size i used to be and the size i am now.

i went from a muffin top size 4  (really a size six) pants…and i am now a curvy size zero.
i went from a medium blouse to an extra small blouse.

my work out pants are an extra small.

i am 3 pounds away from my goal weight!!

i have attached a picture of my transformation…just to show people…before they feel the need to attack my size…that i am a healthy girl.
that sometimes when you are small boned…just tiny in stature…that a size zero is normal.
so please…i ask for no negative comments.  not today.
today is my day.

the first picture was taken 3 months in to my new lifestyle, when i took my solo trip to another country.  at this point i had already started working out and lost a bulk of my weight.  knowing that…i kinda cringe when i look at that picture.  i thought i was looking pretty damn good at that point…lol
my father god bless him –  loves this picture.  he likes me with a little chunk.
anyways…the only other before pic i really have was taken in my bra and underwear…and i would never have the guts to post that publicly anywhere..so the first picture will have to do.
so..take a look.  i think at least 15 of the pounds i lost were all boobie! lol

Since you have all been faithfully by my side through my journey this far…i want to share my results with you.
thank you for walking with me…i am so blessed to have met so many wonderful people through this blog.

As i type this blog out, the song “About Love” by Alicia Keys keeps playing in my head.

anywhoooo….

Happy Anniversary to me 🙂

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thinking thoughts

my mind is in over drive
i love it when i decide to blog when my brain is mental.
thought i’d give the blog next door a breather lol
 
my one year is coming up…it’s actually right around the corner
and i am not sure why this is making me feel anxious.
it shouldn’t…there is no need to feel anxious, or nervous etc…
but hey it is what it is.
 
i guess i think…ok, now what??
it’s like i gave myself a year to succeed…and then…whatever.
 
what i envisioned last year…is not where i am today.
in some aspects i am well ahead of anywhere i thought i’d ever be
and then in other ways…i feel a little behind.
everything balances out…and i am perfectly fine with where i am
 
i know i have been serious since day one.
i was on a mission and there was no room for failing.
i do not have an off button, so if my sights are set on something…there is no stopping me.
i am like that in everything i do.  if i want something…i go until i get it.
if i lack interest…meh…i can’t be bothered.
i am like that with things i do and with people in my life.
if i love you…you know it…if i don’t…you know it too lol
 
what the hell is the point of this blog anyways?
 
i guess i am just being reflective.
a whole year (almost) has flown by at warp speed.
and although i was committed from the get go…i feel like i really started stepping things up half way through the year (i am specifically speaking about working out)
 
and so the year anniversary is almost here…
just over a week away.
i guess it feels like a closure…and i must remind myself that it so is not.
if anything it’s another beginning.
more goals to set, re-evaluate.
another year of firsts.
 
no it’s so not an ending.
this will never end.
it’s the next chapter of this journey.
and perhaps this too is what makes me anxious.
 
i look at myself and feel things i never felt about myself before
i am proud of me
getting dressed in the morning is no longer depressing and a struggle
i’ve changed in ways i never thought was possible.
the biggest thing being the gym.  wanting to go to the gym, wanting to push myself, wanting to feel the burn
this was not me for 30 some odd years…and now this is me…the real me.
 
maybe that’s the thing.
i am so different now. i’ve changed so much…
i wonder if those i haven’t seen for a long time would even recognize my insides, never mind my outsides!
 
cause that’s one thing i learned
transformation isn’t only physical.  it’s internal.
it changes you mind set, it changes your soul.
and you slowly become that someone you were always intended to be.
 
and i love the gradual, slow paced changes
i love every part of this…even the times i am so deflated and discouraged
that i become a puddle on the floor.
because i learn
and my lord the things i have learned
that’s it…just wanted to write it out lol
 
if you have read this far…i thank you

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