Tag Archives: memories

what we carry with us

sometimes i still get amazed at how much we can carry with us…and not even know it.

things from our past that have long been forgotten.  feelings – overwhelming emotions from decades ago can still punch you in the gut when you least expect it.

i had one of those very moments today.

i went birthday shopping for a certain little princess in my life – she is turning 3 🙂

so we wandered into all the kids stores and i finally found something i was really happy with –  a life size Dora!!! (i don’t even know who Dora is but apparently my princess loves her)  so part one of her gift was done.   as i was standing at the cash paying for my purchase…
i just happened to look up…
and what i saw literally took my breath away.  i felt my heart fall into my belly.

i’ve written about this several times – and so i will provide you with the shortest version here if you have never read my blog next door.

i had these two dolls.  i loved them.  i slept with them, sat with them, played with them.  they were never out of my sight.
one day an evil woman came along and threw these away.
both of them.
i was devastated – and i cried.  for a very very long time.  this evil woman laughed at me…in my face laughed at me.  i will also add that this woman was a relative.
i was just a kid….who throws away a kids toy?  an evil person that’s who.

obviously life went on.  i turned out pretty ok without these dolls.
i didn’t think they even made them anymore.

what were these dolls?
they were called monchichis.
i had a brown one and a pink one.  i loved them soooo very much.
i still remember the feeling they gave me…i feel it right now – this very moment.

and that is what i saw today at the store.  just a handful of monchichis.
i asked the sales lady how much they were…and decided they were a little out of my price range
they are apparently collectors items now.

so we continued shopping and had a wonderful day…but i couldn’t shake the doll out of my head.
i had decided to pick it up “another day” but what if there wasn’t “another day”???
what if it sold?
what if i went back and it wasn’t there?  how would that make me feel????
it would make me feel as terrible as the day the evil woman threw them away.

i went back to the store to buy it.

my beautiful amazing shopping companion would not let me pay for it….i was gifted the most wonderful gift.
a monchichi.
i felt like i was re gifted a part of my childhood.

as the sales lady brought the box down from the shelf and set it infront of me…

my little 6-7 year old self was present…and i could only do what any normal, elated, overwhelmed child would do.
i was handed my monchichi and…i started to cry.
i cried.
right there.  at the sales counter.

it really was a terrible thing to the child in me losing those dolls
i never knew that i would feel the way that i did – the way that i feel now typing this out…30 years later.
this is the most precious gift i could ever be given
i was given a piece of my best childhood memories.  how amazing is that???

take a look at my new toy!!

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those of you who read my blog next door…already know my sad, traumatic story about my monchhichi’s.

seriously…it still bothers me.
i miss those little guys 😦

I had to go to the mall today to buy a dress – which by the way, i found the purrrfect dress without having a coronary or beating up random strangers!!  yay me!
Apparently the tag says i am an exta small.
I’ll take that thanks!

So i am standing in line waiting to pay and as i turn around…i see this:

i died!!!!  and yes…of course i bought it!!!

Sure, it’s not like having a real doll…cause i swear to you if i could actually find these guys i would buy them…i don’t care how old i am.  but isn’t this the cutest thing ever?

i feel like i am reclaiming a part of my childhood!

I am still traumatized over the loss of my dolls – but this helps the pain a little 🙂

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truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…


in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

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the power of friendship

i had a day yesterday.  not a bad day.  just a day.

i was unexpectedly sucked into a time vortex and it had me feeling rather blaaaahhhhh.

nothing good comes from over thinking anything…especially things that you cannot change.
i was going to blog about it yesterday…but i didn’t even have the energy to put in words what it was that i was feeling.
i didn’t even know what it was that i was feeling.
besides it would be a blog next door thing…

i like to use my past as a measuring tool.  to see where i came from and where i am now.
i certainly don’t like to sit in it and dwell and think and wonder about the what ifs and run scenarios around in my head that ultimately…at the end of the day really just don’t matter.
the past is buried.  you cannot bring back to life what’s dead…
am i making any sense? lol
it’s ok…it’s for me to understand anyways.

it is what it is.

and what it was yesterday was gym day.

i had zero desire to go get my sweat on if i gotta be honest with you.
i just wanted to go home and bake a cheesecake…and eat it lol
or better yet, i just wanted to go home and drink a glass of wine or two.

but my gym buddy was not cancelling on me.
if she wasn’t cancelling…i couldn’t either.

so we went with me having zero motivation – which i gotta say…never happens.
i just didn’t want to be there.
i just wanted to be at home chewing and mulling thoughts…cause you know that’s productive!

my gym buddy… who i shall refer to as GB from now on..as it takes less time to type out…
knew what was going on in my head…as we talked during the day.
she knew where i was at…and it was her mission to get me outta that head space.

she had me on an elliptical race.  we went on one…and it just didn’t feel right
and so we went to the other side of the room on two other ones…where they still didn’t feel right…
i guess i had a pained expression on my face…
and we looked at eachother…
which initiated the kind of laughter i can only describe as forbidden.
you know the kind…laughing hysterically at church…or a funeral.
the more we tried not to laugh, the louder it came out…with me at one point actually trying to
cross my legs while on the elliptical…cause well…i was gonna pee in my pretty yoga pants.
i do believe if i had a free hand i woulda grabbed my crotch and done my famous pee-pee dance
(ok it’s only famous around my friends, but whatever don’t judge me!)

we got looks…we were outta control…
we couldn’t breathe from working out and laughing at the same time.

and in that very moment i knew i was exactly where i needed to be.

and in that very moment i was grateful for my amazing friendships, grateful for the people that get me…understand the way my head works and bring me out of it.

ya know…each friend in my life is uniquely different….
with GB i can vent to my heart’s content…and laugh until the tears run down my face.

and so the world didn’t end yesterday because i was forced down memory lane.
(it’s supposed to end on the 21st anyways right?)
no, the world did not shut down and stop existing…

the world is exactly as it should be…and i was reminded that where i am…is more than good enough..because… i am loved.

sooooooooooooooooo anyways…

in honour of my girl Adele performing in my awesome city tonight…click here to get your hump on 🙂

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circle of memories

i am an extremely sentimental person.
i call myself a memory hoarder.  if something means anything to me…i keep it.
whether it was given by someone i still love, or someone i don’t…if it brings me a sweet memory…i keep it.
i have a box in my storage room of notes passed between me and friends in high school!
some notes even from grade 7 and 8.
(you know the days before cell phones and text messages)

enter the ring.

my 2nd favourite ring of all time.

it looks like this:

this was a gift i gave myself.

i’ve been almost losing my ring for a good 2 months now
when i go to grab a water from it’s case it falls off…or in the shower…
i have found it under my pillow in the morning…in a complete panic when i realize that it’s no longer on my finger.
doing my hair in the morning
etc etc etc

For over 20 years this ring has pretty much occupied my finger
it would rarely ever be taken off
through the years it fit differently..but it always fit
sometimes i would struggle to just get it past the knuckle and sometimes it would fit perfectly like Cinderella’s slipper
it barely fits at all.

i have to retire my ring.
sure i could put it on another finger…but it would feel misplaced, unusual…wrong.

and so this is how my mind works.
my memory is not that great, but it’s amazing the things i recall as if they happened yesterday.
this is what my ring reminds me of.

it was 1990.  i think.
yeah it had to be 1990.
it was the first time my parents ever allowed me to leave the small city to head to the big city with my bff’s and no parental supervision
i am pretty sure a friends’ dad drove us down, and i lied to my parents saying we had a ride back when in reality we took the train home.
we went to Toronto to go see Sinead O’Connor in concert.  this is when she was underground, semi normal and really angry
like me
my favourite song was Troy.
i was wearing jean shorts at least 4 sizes too big (i think these were actually made by a pair of my dad’s old jeans), a white long sleeved shirt…my uber cool swatch watch… and black converse shoes
to the young-uns reading this…yes, converse shoes were cool 20 years ago….and if i remember correctly, they cost me no more than 18 dollars
imagine my coronary when i recently spent over 60 bucks on a pair.
i had spent 6 hours getting my hair done in braids and then beaded…not for that specific occassion since i had that look at least 3 times.  i think i just did it to piss my dad off 🙂
we went to the coolest/biggest mall in Toronto and hung out like we belonged…like we were cool
i gave a homeless man all my change, and then he tried to steal my pack of smokes.
we went in to a jewellery store and that is where i saw the ring
it was 15 dollars then…still a hefty price for a little girl like me.
my friends all thought it looked great, and thought that i should get it.  and so i did
it felt like such a grown up moment
i was in the big city, i bought my first real piece of jewellery…i was having the time of my life
which is a rare thing for me to say about my teenage years
i thought i would die seeing my bald idol perform.  i wrote down every song she sang on my leg.  i have a picture but i can’t seem to find it…which is a little upsetting.
after the concert we went to Union station and waited for our train…
on a total adrenalin rush.
playing with my ring between my fingers (which i still do to this day)
talking and laughing sitting on the ground…when i turn around
and a man with a trench coat on whips out his pecker.
true story
i pulled at my friends shirt and he showed her his pecker too.  lol…he showed all of us his pecker.
i was mortified!!!!!!!!!! i think my face turned a million shades of red.
is this what the big city was about????
that was a time men could do that…and no one would ever consider calling the police over it.
he was referred to as the pecker man for many years to come.

we were probably exactly like the girls that drive me mental today
squeaky, energetic, giggly

i promised i would never forget what it was like to be that young
but i really think i did
this ring…brings back all those amazingly awesome feelings of that day…of my youth

so i may retire the ring…
but i will never, ever give it away.
maybe when my lil’ bee is old enough…she can wear it…and the ring can make new memories.

here i am with my girls on that very day.  one girl is missing cause she is taking the picture.

it almost scares me to remember that in one of those bags is a white blouse with black polka dots i bought from le chateau.  my mom ruined it with bleach and i cried. lol

a part of me wants to go to this mall…since now i am the big city girl…and see if i can find that exact spot…and take a picture now, 20 years later.
thanks for taking a road trip in my mind.  it was fun
suddenly i have the desire to pull out my sinead cd!

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matters of the heart

i was looking through some pictures last night.
album after album on the computer…bringing back so many different memories and emotions.

i noticed all of the pictures had 2 things in common
1 – food
2 – love

sometimes i complain that i have too much to do..too many places to be…
but looking back at these pictures, i realize how truly blessed i am.
blessed that i have so many people in my life that love me and want me around
what better feeling is there???

every special occasion is captured on camera. i would say “film” but that’s not really accurate these days 🙂
you have the typical bee pictures of food…and then you have all those other pictures…
people hugging, people smiling…people looking so very happy and completely unaware that they are being photographed
those are my favourite pictures.

i talk alot about food on here…well, because that’s this blogs primary focus
but i don’t think i’ve ever really talked about the way i love.

i’ve said the holidays are all about the food…
but i think i’ve changed my mind.

it’s all about the love.

whether you spend this time with the people you are related to…share the same blood line with
or with the family you have created through time
it’s all about love isn’t it?

sure, the food is part and parcel of the holidays
but i’d like to believe that the food tastes all the sweeter when you are with the ones you love.

how would the holidays feel without it?  without love?
losing those that you love…
i can assure you…the food would just be food…and the special day would be…just another day.

i have so many pictures, hugging those that matter most to me
where you can see the love just pouring out of me.
i am glad i have those.

sometimes i think about losing.
you know…losing someone i love.  i know it’s inevitable, but it’s still such a sad thought in my mind.

so i am grateful.  so very thankful
to be busy, to be overwhelmed, to have so much to do
because that means i am loved.
i am so very loved.

i decided to post this picture.  one of my favourites from the weekend!

this is me and my daddy.
he loves me 🙂
and you can tell by just one look at my face, that i very much love him back.
this was taken one week into his radiation treatment…3 more weeks to go.
we know he will be just fine…but…nothing lasts forever…and it makes you think…down the road…
to places you’d rather not let your mind wander to.

so i choose to make the memories…i choose to make as many awesome, amazing, fantastic memories
so i can always hold on and always remember.
and when i look back at the pictures, my heart will be warm with the love i felt in that very exact moment.

yeah, the food was awesome this weekend
but the love was even better.

i get that you need food to live.
but love?  love is what keeps you alive.

without it…life ain’t worth that much is it.

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story telling


there are several reasons you will not find sugar in my house.
i guess the most obvious reason is…i rarely eat it.
i figure if my craving is that bad i can go to the store and pick up whatever it is that i want.
If i had sugar in my house, i am pretty confidant that i would eat it out of sheer boredom or laziness…
so again, better to just not have it in the house.
let me tell you a little story.
As a child, i was known to sleep walk.  Actually, so did my brother but this is my blog and it’s all about me 🙂
Anyways…i can’t imagine how tiring that was for my parents.  I am sure they had to sleep with one eye open at all times.
Once i was found walking down the street in the middle of the night.  Thank god it was a smaller city and all around just safer then…and i wore jammies 🙂
The years passed and i left the nest to go to college. 
I would visit home often, and my mother would always send me back with tons of food.  Most of that food was chocolate (mom is a huge sugar addict)
Not like your corner store chocolate.  We are talking Ferrero Rocher’s, Lindt chocolate etc.
The most peculiar thing would happen to these chocolates.
I would go to sleep at night and someone would sneak in to my apartment and eat the chocolate and leave the wrappers all over the kitchen counter.
I was perplexed!
That’s the story i would love to believe.
but alas, the chocolate thief was me.
Apparently i would get up in the middle of the night, unaware, and eat all the chocolate.
i have no clue why, and absolutely no recollection of doing it.
So, is that called sleep eating??
Eventually i stopped keeping chocolate in the house and i guess that curbed my late night sugar fest.
But, every now and then i am gifted chocolates…and to this day…i will get out of bed and eat them.  I find the evidence of my sins in the form of wrappers on my counter…or i guess as i have matured…my sleepy self manages to toss them in the garbage…
and seriously…zero recollection.
So now my solution is, no more sweets in my house.  Ever.
That kinda sucks for me cause mom gives the best chocolates at Christmas and Easter…
This summer i turned down a whole box of my favourite chocolates from Greece.
I just figure…what a waste of calories and carbs if i don’t even remember enjoying it.
And so..i say no to sugar.  My hips thank me for it.

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