Tag Archives: low carb

suck it up buttercup

when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol

so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas.  i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.

not this year.

the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.

but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.

i finally tried them on last night.

i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.

bah – and so on they went yesterday.  everything fit!!!  one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.

but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right.  yes i can do the zipper up on my pants.  yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be.  they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.

i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.

i just sulked – and today i feel panicked.  and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.

it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.
lol

i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays.  i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.

but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it.  yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.

so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.

i gotta be patient.  i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.

someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.

i have a date with the elliptical tonight.  i have a feeling it’s going to kill me

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7 days later

the first week was difficult – not impossible though.

i survived.

i think the week was harder than normal since it was my first week back after 3 weeks off.
i was tired.  i was just tired from going to work, never mind the dreaded exhaustion that comes from getting back on track diet wise.
i didn’t make the gym as often as i wanted to, and i didn’t make it to my Zumba class – i was just too exhausted.
i am hoping that this week, i will feel more like myself and i can get back on track with my life.

we went grocery shopping today – almost 200 bucks later we have a fridge filled with good, yummy snacks.
all i wanted to buy was bags of dill pickle chips – it’s hard shopping and being hormonal!
everything bad looks good!
but, as long as i am at home – there is nothing here to eat that would make me feel guilty.

i plan on getting to bed early this week.
i find it helps so much when i am well rested – duh.  i know it’s not rocket science, but i like the night
so going to bed early doesn’t make me happy…

that’s my update.
i am doing alright.

i haven’t decided if i am going to the gym tomorrow or heading out to a Zumba class.
either one would be good….and i will do one or the other.  sitting idle tomorrow is not an option.
i can figure it out then.

i have 7 days under my belt – it’s only going to get easier from here!

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it’s all about me

today was a perfect Sunday – i made it all about me.

I may regret that as the week goes on, but i needed a day that didn’t involve cooking or house cleaning, laundry and sweating my butt off at the gym (although the latter has been at the bottom of my priority list as of late)
there was no way i was going to attempt Christmas shopping – i did that yesterday and ended up in a foul mood.  not even 15 minutes into my shopping i was telling off a lady.  who needs to be that angry?
anyways – that’s a blog for another day and another place.
i will get the rest of my presents when my vacation begins.

the day began with a much needed sleep in – all the critters pretty much allowed me a decent sleep.  that never happens.

so the day started off with brunch.  considering it was well into the afternoon and i hadn’t had anything to eat – of course the whole menu looked amazing.  do you know that this place makes smores pancakes???????
the fat girl in me begged for me to order those…until of course she saw the BLT with sweet potato fries.  i swear she drooled.

the skinny bitch in me took over – how she got control over the situation is beyond me….

anyways, for brunch today i had 7 grain pancakes with flax seed – and sugar free maple syrup.

i had never had that before – and truth be told i probably never will again.  lol

they were great when they were fresh – but once they got a little cold – it was – well it was…gross.  there is no other word i could use.

but you know what?  if i had the BLT with sweet potato fries – i would have spent the rest of my day feeling guilty and beating myself up.
that doesn’t sound like the best way to spend my all about me day!!

then i went and had a manicure – swoon.
this time a guy did it.  the hand massage felt “weird” – i’ve never had a man give me a manicure before.
he was tough and aggressive…no other way to explain.  his hands were rough and “manly”
i am used to a woman giving me my manicures – it was odd but he did an amazing job

the rest of the day was low key – connected with a few people and had a late afternoon nap.

now… what to have for dinner??

i think  a hot bubble bath is in order 🙂

i was debating going out for a few drinks – but that’s undecided.  maybe i will, maybe i won’t.
the point is – it’s all about me…and i’ll do whatever i want.

back to the real, cruel world tomorrow!

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smoke and mirrors – a repost

Considering i have over 400 posts on my blog – i thought i’d bring an oldie back…chances are a lot of you have never read it – and a lot of you don’t remember it…
i may do this once and a while when i feel i have nothing to say 🙂

Smoke and Mirrors – June 2010

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!

And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat. Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking! Where’s the fat???

If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years. Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat. I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely. I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat. Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was fat. Fat for me. I had never ever been the size that I was then. So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart. For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird. I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb. I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues. 40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all. In 3 months…it was gone. Poof… like magic. I won’t lie. It was easy then. So unbelievably easy. I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though. In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee. I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say. In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier.

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.

But I did. And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery. He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.

I was so embarrassed. He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone. He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”

Things like that…just always floored me.

My European mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight. I even went braless!!! These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did. It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.

But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style. I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating. Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo. Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.

And now this time around, it’s harder. It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast. And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet. Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again. I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today. I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people. I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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the bee special – pics

this is what i had for lunch today:

it’s not always the same thing.  today i had ham…but i sometimes have egg salad or chicken salad.  today it was coleslaw – i usually have fresh veggies.
and yes, that is one pickle on my salad.  i tend to go a little crazy with pickles so i just have one for the sake of having one.

And of course my cucumber sandwich that has won everyone in the office over.

don’t worry – my hands are clean.  besides it’s going into my mouth anyways!

i could eat that every single day of my life – and i pretty much do Monday through Friday.

thought you’d like to see what the bee special actually looked like!  did you notice how all my food is separated?  issues much? lol

hungry?

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i am alive!!!

i am alive!

i survived the meetings – barely!

the days were long and exhausting.  Tuesday started at 6am and i didn’t arrive home until about 8:30 that night.
Repeat again the next day.

i was on information overload.  I learned alot which is always a good thing…i was always on my best behaviour – because i am a good girl like that 🙂
lol, never mind, being on my best behaviour took alot outta me too.

I don’t think i have recovered completely yet – but the weekend is fast approaching and i see sleeping in in my near future.

on the agenda that we received, it said that breakfast would be “served” at 7:30.
when i read that i assumed it was a hot breakfast and there would be items there that i would be able to eat…as did other people.
i should never assume.  the only hot item there was coffee.
breakfast consisted of bagels. croissants, muffins, donuts and cookies i believe.
that table was a vision of health let me tell you.
i was prepared though and had brought snack size bags of nuts.

To my surprise my lunches were low carb!  Sure they had carbolicious items on the buffet, but there was enough salad, steamed veggies and meat to do the trick!!!
and dinner was much of the same!!!

Here i was thinking that i would have nothing to eat…and after every meal i was full and content.

big score!!!

on to other news…my face seems to be reliving it’s teenage years.  isn’t clear skin one of the benefits of getting older?
ugh – i wish the rest of my body wanted to relive it’s teenage years…i would gladly walk around in my 17 year old rockin’ body any day!!!

that’s my update.  not much i know – but i thought i’d let you all know that i am alive!!

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feeling blessed

today was a day.
well it wasn’t so bad until the end of the day really.
you know, when my work day was done and i was racing out to meet GB at the gym.
i hopped into my car…and that’s right about where things got yucky.

my car wouldn’t start.
the battery finally died.

can i tell you for 9 years my car has been perfect (as i knock on wood)
the fact that my original battery lasted for 9 years is crazy!!

i’ll admit…i am a typical girl when it comes to cars.  i only know how to drive them.
i wouldn’t be able to change my own tire…and i certainly wouldn’t be able to change my own battery.

i asked my friend if he could give me a boost so i could get to a shop and get a new battery.
he did more than i could ever ask him to.
he drove me to Canadian Tire and we picked up a battery and he changed it out for me.
how awesome is he????
it was pouring rain – the weather was crap…and he still offered to help.
now that is true friendship.  i see a bottle of wine is some one’s future.

it was stressful for me driving home…i got all paranoid about the car stalling etc (it was idling really low)
but i made it home…me and my car all in one piece.

i was gifted chocolate to calm my poor little nerves.  don’t worry it was low carb 🙂

so now i am home safe and sound.  i didn’t hit the gym, but there is always tomorrow.

i guess i am blogging here because i just feel blessed.
i am surrounded by so many good people…it makes me warm and fuzzy inside!

i leave you with a quote i read tonight – it stuck with me.  enjoy!

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. ~ Mary Oliver

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channeling martha

i go through these stages…i call them domestic goddess stages

i think i channel Martha Stewart.

i go through stages where i just want to bake and cook and obsess about cleaning the kitchen
i think these stages are hormonally fueled.
it’s almost like a nesting thing – not sure.

i just want to feed people…and i also want to be experimental.

even with my low carb lifestyle i will bake things i cannot put past my lips
i have baked my famous blueberry pie – only to give it away – other pies as well – peach, pumpkin.  i have baked brownies and cookies and have brought them in to work to feed my coworkers.
it makes me really happy to see people love what i make!

when i go through these stages i could be in my kitchen for hours and be completely content.

last night was one of those nights.  i went to the grocery store right after work and spent an obscene amount of money.
raced home to walk the dog – and then tidied up the kitchen (because i just cannot cook if the kitchen is not perfectly clean)
i baked a low carb cheesecake 🙂
i love my cheese cake.

then i decided i wanted to make a taco salad.  i’ve never made one before – and it seemed so simple so i thought why not.
oh my dear lord it was delicious.

when i finally finished eating and cleaning up – i was antsy.  sure i was tired…but i wanted to do more.  what else could i make??

i talked myself out of it and decided to enjoy my Thursday night…and i did.

i still have the itch.  what oh what can i make tonight?

here is a picture of my salad – i took it with my phone so it’s not that great…
a delicious taco salad – minus the taco!

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