Tag Archives: low carb

self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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no rest for the weary

in my new found love for working out
i allow myself two rest days a week

i think 5 days a week is good enough

sunday is my dedicated day of rest
just a day for myself
to do whatever i want – which normally would never ever include me willingly wanting to work out

i slept in this morning
woke up and had my coffee
caught up on line
and then it happened

i wanted to work out

what?

i’ve become addicted to the latest workout by Shaun T
Cize

if you haven’t heard about it you need to google it now!!
(go on, i’ll wait)

basically he teaches you dance moves and at the end of it all you rock out your new routine to a popular song

i got stuck on a certain level – couldn’t quite get the moves down
so now i was challenged.

so – ya
i worked out for an hour and 20 minutes all before lunch

i nailed all the dance moves
and punched myself in the face – i couldn’t make that up if i tried
i am a white girl with zero rhythm – and very accident prone

i hit my 10000 goal step before lunch!

sunday fitbit

i love that my body is remembering how much it loves exercising

i also think that my brain might be in a bit of panic mode
ya know, bikini time is right around the corner

my day wasn’t restful – but i loved every sweaty minute of it

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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the answer? underpants!

sooooo

i did my Zumba on the wii.

because i am so amazingly awesome, or perhaps a glutton for punishment…i decided i would totally breeze through the “intense”  hour long work out.

and i pretty much did.

Sure – at one point i thought i was having a heart attack – maybe a little foaming at the mouth…but i did it.

it’s amazing how in such little time i could be so outta shape.  it baffles my mind.

i forgot how much i love the feeling of my heart going a mile a minute, the sweat (yes, i actually love to sweat!) and my muscles turning into complete mush.

I did this on Monday.  today i am still learning to walk fully erect.  my body is in so much pain…i love it  (i’m kinda sick like that) and i can’t get up without some primal groan escaping my lips.

I wasn’t going to Zumba tonight…but i think i may just try.  i will put it on an easier level and maybe just do half an hour.

i miss actually going to a class…but you know what is absolutely awesome about doing it at home?

let me paint you a picture.

forget the t-shirt and yoga pants
we are talking hot pants and sports bra and off to the races you go…oh and runners.
how is that for sexy????

there is nothing more liberating than jumping around your house in your underpants.

that my friends – is the key to total freedom.  try it.  go on now i dare you.
dance in yer underpants!

(you may want to shut your blinds – or not!)

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suck it up buttercup

when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol

so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas.  i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.

not this year.

the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.

but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.

i finally tried them on last night.

i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.

bah – and so on they went yesterday.  everything fit!!!  one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.

but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right.  yes i can do the zipper up on my pants.  yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be.  they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.

i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.

i just sulked – and today i feel panicked.  and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.

it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.
lol

i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays.  i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.

but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it.  yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.

so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.

i gotta be patient.  i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.

someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.

i have a date with the elliptical tonight.  i have a feeling it’s going to kill me

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7 days later

the first week was difficult – not impossible though.

i survived.

i think the week was harder than normal since it was my first week back after 3 weeks off.
i was tired.  i was just tired from going to work, never mind the dreaded exhaustion that comes from getting back on track diet wise.
i didn’t make the gym as often as i wanted to, and i didn’t make it to my Zumba class – i was just too exhausted.
i am hoping that this week, i will feel more like myself and i can get back on track with my life.

we went grocery shopping today – almost 200 bucks later we have a fridge filled with good, yummy snacks.
all i wanted to buy was bags of dill pickle chips – it’s hard shopping and being hormonal!
everything bad looks good!
but, as long as i am at home – there is nothing here to eat that would make me feel guilty.

i plan on getting to bed early this week.
i find it helps so much when i am well rested – duh.  i know it’s not rocket science, but i like the night
so going to bed early doesn’t make me happy…

that’s my update.
i am doing alright.

i haven’t decided if i am going to the gym tomorrow or heading out to a Zumba class.
either one would be good….and i will do one or the other.  sitting idle tomorrow is not an option.
i can figure it out then.

i have 7 days under my belt – it’s only going to get easier from here!

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it’s all about me

today was a perfect Sunday – i made it all about me.

I may regret that as the week goes on, but i needed a day that didn’t involve cooking or house cleaning, laundry and sweating my butt off at the gym (although the latter has been at the bottom of my priority list as of late)
there was no way i was going to attempt Christmas shopping – i did that yesterday and ended up in a foul mood.  not even 15 minutes into my shopping i was telling off a lady.  who needs to be that angry?
anyways – that’s a blog for another day and another place.
i will get the rest of my presents when my vacation begins.

the day began with a much needed sleep in – all the critters pretty much allowed me a decent sleep.  that never happens.

so the day started off with brunch.  considering it was well into the afternoon and i hadn’t had anything to eat – of course the whole menu looked amazing.  do you know that this place makes smores pancakes???????
the fat girl in me begged for me to order those…until of course she saw the BLT with sweet potato fries.  i swear she drooled.

the skinny bitch in me took over – how she got control over the situation is beyond me….

anyways, for brunch today i had 7 grain pancakes with flax seed – and sugar free maple syrup.

i had never had that before – and truth be told i probably never will again.  lol

they were great when they were fresh – but once they got a little cold – it was – well it was…gross.  there is no other word i could use.

but you know what?  if i had the BLT with sweet potato fries – i would have spent the rest of my day feeling guilty and beating myself up.
that doesn’t sound like the best way to spend my all about me day!!

then i went and had a manicure – swoon.
this time a guy did it.  the hand massage felt “weird” – i’ve never had a man give me a manicure before.
he was tough and aggressive…no other way to explain.  his hands were rough and “manly”
i am used to a woman giving me my manicures – it was odd but he did an amazing job

the rest of the day was low key – connected with a few people and had a late afternoon nap.

now… what to have for dinner??

i think  a hot bubble bath is in order 🙂

i was debating going out for a few drinks – but that’s undecided.  maybe i will, maybe i won’t.
the point is – it’s all about me…and i’ll do whatever i want.

back to the real, cruel world tomorrow!

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smoke and mirrors – a repost

Considering i have over 400 posts on my blog – i thought i’d bring an oldie back…chances are a lot of you have never read it – and a lot of you don’t remember it…
i may do this once and a while when i feel i have nothing to say 🙂

Smoke and Mirrors – June 2010

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!

And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat. Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking! Where’s the fat???

If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years. Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat. I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely. I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat. Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was fat. Fat for me. I had never ever been the size that I was then. So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart. For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird. I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb. I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues. 40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all. In 3 months…it was gone. Poof… like magic. I won’t lie. It was easy then. So unbelievably easy. I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though. In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee. I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say. In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier.

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.

But I did. And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery. He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.

I was so embarrassed. He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone. He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”

Things like that…just always floored me.

My European mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight. I even went braless!!! These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did. It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.

But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style. I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating. Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo. Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.

And now this time around, it’s harder. It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast. And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet. Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again. I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today. I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people. I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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