Tag Archives: love

defeat

i haven’t been here for a while – i know

but just because i haven’t been writing – doesn’t mean i haven’t been working

i’ve been working my ass off actually

it’s been almost a year since i’ve gotten serious about my health

from January to August i saw very little results

i did some research and realized how important it is to eat the right kinds of food, portion control etc

i changed my low carb lifestyle in August – and i haven’t looked back

going away on a much deserved dream vacation – changed my life
literally.
everything inside me shifted
all my perceptions, my sorrows, my stress

it all shifted

and then shit got real

it became about me
for once
self love. self acceptance
what would make me happy?

for once – i was putting myself first

my fitness and diet were number one.
i started joining challenge groups. worked out religiously every day
allowing myself a rest day to restore my muscles

i incorporated weights in to my life

and the transformation was incredible

here is a mini breakdown

in 3 weeks i lost a total of 9.5 inches

4 weeks later another 7.5 inches

3 weeks later i lost another 1.5 inches

10 weeks – 18.5 inches of my body gone!!!

So i recently joined a 30 day challenge group. 30 days of working out.
and what was i doing?
MMA style fighting

it was a challenge that scared me – but excited me

i went from 3 months ago attempting to do a push up and literally falling on my face
to being able to do push ups for a minute straight

and the plank – the dreaded plank. i could only start off modified
now i can do variations and hold it. each one for a minute

the strength that i am building is incredible

and i realized that’s what i want. a strong body. to match my strong will
i want healthy. i want the challenge. i want to better myself every day

enter day 23 of the challenge. this was tough work. the work outs were long and exhausting

i woke up that morning with a sore shoulder – but i pushed play anyway

and then by the evening – the pain i was in was – i cannot even describe

woke up the next morning worse. i couldn’t do my hair – i couldn’t even put my bra on.
even driving hurt
getting dressed was impossible

got up this morning and literally cried. the pain was so intense.
i slept in a bra because i was afraid to face that challenge in the morning

i went to urgent care.
i had xrays and go in for an ultra sound on monday.
she suspects a pulled or torn tendon in my rotator cuff

did i mention that the pain is incredible?

she gave me kick ass pain killers so i could sleep. i haven’t slept in two days
(she actually told me that if i get out of bed for some reason in the middle of the night – to plant both feet on the ground and slowly stand lol)
some anti inflammatories and muscle relaxers

i popped a muscle relaxer as soon as i got home – and it took forever to work
but once it did
my oh my
i went and had a glorious one hour nap with my babies
i feel like wonder woman
so much so i debated going for a run

but the doc said absolutely no exercise until we know what we are dealing with

i looked at her and said…doc – i can’t even put a bra on – i don’t think i’ll be working out

anyway

my point

and i always have one

i feel defeated.

i joined a challenge with several people – and had 23 days done. only another 7 to go
and everything has come to a complete stand still
and it makes me feel like a failure
completely defeated

i want to keep moving because i am afraid if i stop
my old self will come through
and not want to start

so maybe i’ll walk

i’ll join the retirees at the mall and do some power walking 🙂
that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea

now more than ever – my food has to be on point.

i feel defeated – but i am never going back

annnnd – i’ve decided that even though i didn’t finish my challenge – i will still measure myself
see how i did
because i didn’t quit – i was all in

but sometimes life happens
and things get in the way

doesn’t make me any less of a person
my intentions are true
and my goals are real

now that i see it in black and white

nothing about my attitude spells failure or defeat

just a strong, determined woman who may or may not need a lesson in patience 😉

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out of the mouth of babes

laying on the beach – getting sun kissed
my gorgeous 7 year old niece wanted to go into the water with me
she’s begging me to get up

and so up i got

she looks at me and says – auntie bee? why does your belly button disappear when you sit up?

it took me a second or two to register – and before i could say anything – miss tiny skinny minnie says – it’s ok…mine does too.
(bless her little heart)

i started laughing
you know the laugh
that kind of laugh that comes from deep in your belly and it’s hard to catch your breath – tears in your eyes

i said – i am a little older than you baby – i have more skin

i grabbed her hand and off we went in to the water and had the time of our lives

had anyone else said that to me
i probably would have been horrified – and covered myself up immediately
i would have stewed over it for days – and shoved my mouth full of comfort food
i would have felt sorry for myself and no doubt would cry buckets of tears

but she’s seven.
not only is she 7 – but i watch her – looking at other women – their bodies – their figures – even their breasts
comparing herself – assessing herself
she picks herself apart
she bragged to me how the one piece she was wearing was a size smaller than what she should be wearing
where does she get this? because it certainly isn’t coming from us – her family.

did i mention she is 7?

she refused to wear a bikini – and felt more comfortable in a one piece
that was fine with me – i told her she could wear whatever bathing suit she wanted

later we went shopping and she was eyeballing a bikini
she called me over and told me she loved it
i asked her what about that bikini she liked

it was padded. it would give her a chest

she’s 7

did her honest little question sting?
sure
but she was just asking a question.
she loves me. doesn’t care what i weigh, or what size my clothes are
she loves me

and i love her

and because i love her – i hope to god my reaction to her question was all the answer that she needed

who cares if you can’t see your belly button when you sit down

i am still awesome – i can still play in the water with her – we can still laugh and have a great time
annnnnnnd
i will flaunt this kick ass body in a bikini any day!

belly button or no belly button at all

and i hope – that as she gets older – she will do the same damn thing

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real life looks like…real life

after a week of not working out
i was going a little stir crazy
by a little…i mean a lot

it was weighing me down

i was feeling sad and defeated

i had the energy
but i didn’t have a willing body

so today…i decided was the day
regardless of how my ankle felt…it was time to give it a try

i wrapped it up
threw on some socks – and my fancy runners

(i always work out barefoot at home – so this was quite the adjustment)

but i did it

an hour and a half work out

and i felt like a million bucks

my ankle was not too impressed with me – but i iced it afterwards…and kept it elevated

i’ll be damned if i let it stop me now

so baby – i’m back (i think – ask me tomorrow)

just recently, my sister in law and i were discussing the art of the “selfie”

i get selfies, i really do
but they take a lot of work. you know, the right amount of make up – lighting – at least 100 practice shots before you even post the real thing
a million different filters so you look 20 years younger

so what about real life selfies?

so that is exactly what we did
sent eachother real life selfies
no filters
just real life

you know…while cooking dinner
doing laundry
washing the floors

real life

i won’t post hers here
but my god – they are funny

so i decided to send her a couple today

this one was titled:
“the seductive, sweaty hour and a half cardio afterglow”

seductive

and this one was:

“this sprained ankle’s got nothing on me bitches”

bitches

lol

real life
no filters

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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what love looks like

it looks like this

(please don’t look if you are dying for something delicious and sweet)

 

cake1

my birthday is soonish
and someone that i care about
and love

went out of her way
to make me a tiramisu cake – with her own two hands
wrap it up with her love
and Purolate it to me at work!

this cake made a 5-6 hour trip
just to end up in my tummy
(and who are we kidding, my ass and my thighs)

along with the cake came a beautiful card

and i gotta tell you

for a moment i felt like the most loved girl
in the world

and who knows

maybe in that moment i was

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finding myself

umm hi
remember me?

i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss

let me tell you something.

i’ve been lost.
so very lost

i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.

i’ve had good intentions.  honestly.

but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.

alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.

i’ve been through some serious life changes.  lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.

it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.

i’ve maintained pretty well considering.

obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.

let me tell you something.  just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.

it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.

i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.

how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?

*sigh*

it’s true…my time is limited.  i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.

i have motivation – somewhere in there

i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.

and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.

i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.

i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.

it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.

it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.

besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.

truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again

i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.

i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.

i just need help.

just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…

if i don’t – evil wins

and i am better than that

better than them.

help me find my mojo?


//

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a simple kind of happy

i’ll admit
it takes a lot to get me to smile these days…

but you wanna know what makes me happy?

Dollar Days are back at McDonald’s.

that means i get my iced coffee for a buck.

now that makes me happy. (even though don’t include the large coffees in that – anywaaaays)

but what makes me even more happy than that????

they now have sugar free vanilla flavouring!!!!!

that means that they won’t screw up my order 99.9% of the time!!

i am sitting here sipping on my iced coffee – sugar free iced coffee that is

listening to Sara B’s new album.  have you heard it?

and then i am gonna take a nap

all this makes me happy.

click here for some sara lovin’

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i must have these…now

i want these shoes.

i don’t want them a little bit – i want them a lot.

i am really good with my shoes.  like freakishly good with them.
i am as good to my shoes as i am to my books.
if you know me in real life you know i won’t even loan out my books – in fear that you will not treat them with respect and damage them
the spines of all my books are in perfect condition.
anyways i have gone totally off topic.

my current runners were purchased in New York – the year?  2005.
i wish i had them with me to take a picture of them – they are in amazing condition.

A beautiful pair of Adidas.

i wear them to the gym – on walks – and when i Zumba.

granted these are not worn every day…but for 7 years old – they have a lot of life left in them.

but i think it’s time to add to my shoe collection.

and these Nikes are so perdy!!  they look so comfortable – perhaps they will inspire me to work out more.
or – i could just wear them at home and admire them whilst i sit my ass on my couch
lol

but seriously – i need these shoes.
me love these shoes.

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totally got an ass kickin’

there was no hula hooping, zumba-ing, trampolining done this week.

i think that inhaling and exhaling took more effort than anything.

i got knocked on my ass something fierce…

i came down with something on Tuesday.  it started with an annoying tickle in my throat – and then it felt like i swallowed razor blades – and someone was sitting on my chest,
to some god awful head cold turned to flu.

Thursday – was a hot day.  i do believe it was 31 degrees with the humidex.  i took a scalding hot bath, put on my fat pants, t-shirt, sweatshirt and blanky – and i was still shaking i was so cold.
i actually contemplated turning on the fire place…but it just felt wrong. lol

and then it decided to turn into a full on head cold – again.

of course i was sick.  i had a very important event to attend over the weekend – i’ve been waiting months to go – of course i would get my ass whipped.
i expected nothing less.

but i made it.  na-na-na-na-na you stupid cold – you didn’t win.

i feel much more myself today.  sure i can’t breathe and i am coughing up a lung – but i feel worlds better.

i decided to go grocery shopping, then go out and totally clean my nasty car…i just finished a wonderful dinner i made…and now i am ready to have a chill Sunday.

i am going to make myself an extra spicy Caesar – all in the name of health but of course.

if i am feeling like i won’t hack out my lungs tomorrow – i’ll get my Zumba on

but

based on the pictures that were taken this weekend – mamma might wanna get on the exercise train sooner than later.
yikes!

but for tonight – it shall be a Caesar, perhaps even my new low carb beer i found.  ok so it’s not so new – it’s Molson 67 – with lime.  the lime bit is the new part
i swear there is no alcohol in it tho.
and i will hopefully finish the book that Portia De Rossi wrote – Unbearable Lightness.  my feelings about this book are so all over the place i am sure there will be a blog post about that in the future.

have any of you read it?  thoughts???

enjoy your Sunday night everyone.

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what’s shakin’

it’s been 14 days of clean eating.  i mean spotless, by the book clean.
there were the 2 onion rings yesterday…but i was forced to eat them…yeah that’s right.  i had no choice 😉

the first couple of days were rough.  i was cranky and unhappy.  after that – smooth sailing.
the same thing always happens when i fall off plan.  i dread going back on it – and then when i am actually on it – i cannot wrap my head around why i even stopped.

i make sure i do alot of prep the night before.  i make sure i have enough to snack on during the day so i don’t crave crap.
it’s expensive this eating healthy thing – but again, worth it.
and my dinners are planned for the week.  it keeps me on track – who knew i’d have a dinner schedule!

i pulled out my capri’s this morning.  i haven’t worn them since last summer – so i was really afraid that they would not fit.
they fit 🙂
they got stuck at my thunder thighs (every pair of pants gets stuck on my thighs – again – thanks mom)
but they fit.

I’ve noticed a difference in me even in the 2 weeks.  like, instead of looking 6 months pregnant, i am looking a comfortable 3. lol
had i not started eating healthy again these pants would have zero hope of fitting.

I have yet to do my Zumba on the wii.  My wii was not working 😦
i was sad about that.
anyways – it was fixed last night and i am ready to go as soon as i get home.
i put it on last night and just watched from the couch – for one song…
i was getting into the music and it seems that just by moving my body a little – i was able to burn 23 calories lmao
too funny.
but yes – i can’t wait.

the gym called me the other day. it was a lady i have never spoken to – never seen – who knows, maybe she is new.
anyways she called to tell me she missed me.
awwww that just warmed my itty bitty heart!
she doesn’t even know me but she misses me.  how sweet.
it’s not my money they are missing cause they still get that – so i don’t know what their angle is.
hmmm – can you tell i don’t trust gyms?
don’t worry my little gym – i plan on returning to you.

i haven’t had a glass of wine in 2 weeks.  i think i will celebrate tomorrow by pouring myself a nice glass of red and sit outside and enjoy the night sky.

and that my friends is what’s new in the healthy world of me!

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