Tag Archives: loss

one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.

 

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today – my heart hurts

my morning ritual is to catch up on world events…and so i go on line.
99% of the time i find myself sighing and asking myself what has this world come to?

a couple of days ago i watched the most heartbreaking video of a 2 year old girl in China being run over by two trucks.  the first one ran over her with the front tires…and then paused…then proceeded to run her over – ever so slowly with the back tires.  no one helped her.  no one helped her.
people walked by, biked by – and did nothing to help her.

today i read about a young boy named Jamie Hubley.

Jamie was 15 – and committed suicide a few days ago.
the reason?  bullying.

on this young boys blog he wrote of his severe depression, his cutting, how he didn’t want to live anymore…and finally a short suicide note…
how he couldn’t possibly wait 3 years (to be out of high school) for life to get better.

when i was a kid…i went through stuff.  i think almost all kids do.  i remember being depressed and hating my life…and i remember thinking to myself – that i would never forget what it felt like to be a kid in the throws of turmoil.
but i think a big part of me did.

i was never a victim of excessive bullying.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  i had an older brother who paved the way for me in high school – and so no one dared to bother me.
i also was never a bully.  i don’t recall ever being cruel or hateful to anyone in school.  sure there were people i didn’t like – there were kids i made fun of behind their backs…but i am pretty sure i was never cruel.
there was a period back in grade school…where a “friend” and i would fight every recess and get sent to the principles office…
and i went through a phase where i would fight boys until they would be my boyfriend – but i am unsure if that was bullying or flirting….or just normal

i read some of this boy’s blog today.  every entry, every picture….every single word was a desperate cry for help.
he was cutting himself – even his face….
i wonder – did anyone really try to help him?
if you saw a child walking around (and yes, Jamie was a child) – with self harm marks all over their body – do you not help? or do you assume that this kid just wants attention??
his blog screams “help me” – posts are tagged with “suicide” – and now he’s gone.

his family will never know what kind of man he would grow up to be.
Jamie will never know that yes, things do get better.  he will never get the opportunity to grow and become what he was intended to be in this world.

this has left me sitting here crying.  crying for a child i never knew.
crying for all the lost possibility
crying for his desperation, his depression…his final act.

i don’t get it.  maybe i am not supposed to.
has bullying changed since i was a kid?  has it become more aggressive?  more unbearable?
or is it simply how someone reacts to it – since we are not all built the same.

i am really bothered by this today.  i am affected….
and so i am writing about this here – hoping that it reaches as many people as it possibly can.
this should not happen to one more child.

i hope my nieces and my nephews – and any children i may have…never ever feel this hopeless, this desperate.
this makes me want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them from all the evil in the world.

i’m sorry for this downer post – but life is not all rainbows and sunshine is it…just ask Jamie’s family.

to read about Jamie – please click here. – and pass it on.

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what we carry with us

sometimes i still get amazed at how much we can carry with us…and not even know it.

things from our past that have long been forgotten.  feelings – overwhelming emotions from decades ago can still punch you in the gut when you least expect it.

i had one of those very moments today.

i went birthday shopping for a certain little princess in my life – she is turning 3 🙂

so we wandered into all the kids stores and i finally found something i was really happy with –  a life size Dora!!! (i don’t even know who Dora is but apparently my princess loves her)  so part one of her gift was done.   as i was standing at the cash paying for my purchase…
i just happened to look up…
and what i saw literally took my breath away.  i felt my heart fall into my belly.

i’ve written about this several times – and so i will provide you with the shortest version here if you have never read my blog next door.

i had these two dolls.  i loved them.  i slept with them, sat with them, played with them.  they were never out of my sight.
one day an evil woman came along and threw these away.
both of them.
i was devastated – and i cried.  for a very very long time.  this evil woman laughed at me…in my face laughed at me.  i will also add that this woman was a relative.
i was just a kid….who throws away a kids toy?  an evil person that’s who.

obviously life went on.  i turned out pretty ok without these dolls.
i didn’t think they even made them anymore.

what were these dolls?
they were called monchichis.
i had a brown one and a pink one.  i loved them soooo very much.
i still remember the feeling they gave me…i feel it right now – this very moment.

and that is what i saw today at the store.  just a handful of monchichis.
i asked the sales lady how much they were…and decided they were a little out of my price range
they are apparently collectors items now.

so we continued shopping and had a wonderful day…but i couldn’t shake the doll out of my head.
i had decided to pick it up “another day” but what if there wasn’t “another day”???
what if it sold?
what if i went back and it wasn’t there?  how would that make me feel????
it would make me feel as terrible as the day the evil woman threw them away.

i went back to the store to buy it.

my beautiful amazing shopping companion would not let me pay for it….i was gifted the most wonderful gift.
a monchichi.
i felt like i was re gifted a part of my childhood.

as the sales lady brought the box down from the shelf and set it infront of me…

my little 6-7 year old self was present…and i could only do what any normal, elated, overwhelmed child would do.
i was handed my monchichi and…i started to cry.
i cried.
right there.  at the sales counter.

it really was a terrible thing to the child in me losing those dolls
i never knew that i would feel the way that i did – the way that i feel now typing this out…30 years later.
this is the most precious gift i could ever be given
i was given a piece of my best childhood memories.  how amazing is that???

take a look at my new toy!!

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exactly what i needed

everything happens for a reason.  things come to you for a reason.  nothing is coincidence.

for example, out of the blue my godfather popped into my head…and wouldn’t go away.  after a full 24 hours of tears and sadness and never-ending thoughts and conversations with my godfather (who passed away almost 4 years ago) how is it that a car…that appeared to go out of it’s way to cut me off…would bare the license plate “godfather”?

coincidence?  i don’t believe in coincidence.
i believe in signs.  i believe he was saying – hey kid i’m right here!

So i was on google today…looking for something rather specific…and instead found this…and i knew it was exactly what i needed to hear today.

maybe i didn’t find it…maybe it found me.

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sensitive

that’s how i’m feeling.

alot’s gone down these past few days and i am just left feeling a little raw and perhaps needy?
no, needy is not the word
sensitive. definitely sensitive.

i am analyzing every little thing said to me…and taking offense to things i shouldn’t be i am sure.
i am ultra sensitive…and i dislike feeling this way.

i wasn’t going to post here – but it’s got pretty much everything to do with my health…so it seems appropriate.

i’ve made some changes to my personal life lately.
well, i was forced into making these changes, and ultimately it is the best thing for me.
and i am ok with the changes ahead of me.

after all, life is about change.

but i still feel sensitive…

getting up to go to the gym today was a struggle.  it seems it has been lately yes?
perhaps my body knew all along what my mind was not ready to register.
who knows

i want to revert back to old behaviours…because they are old and comfortable
like a childhood blankie…or a hug from my mom.

i want to run to the corner store and grab a bag of dill pickle chips and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

at least i have enough mind power to understand that although these are comforting foods for the moment
they are anything but comforting afterwards.

i am grateful for my willpower these days.

inhale and exhale.

everything’s gonna be alright.

everything’s gonna be better in 2 days when i am officially on vacay.
there, that totally put a smile on my face.

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how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

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i can do this can’t i?

this is the beginners guide to running.  i could do this no??
now, just what days am i able to do it? at first it looks like i don’t even need 15 minutes (remember my dream????)
i guess even on the days that i am at the gym i can do this OR maybe while i am at the gym i can do this on the treadmill?
Just a thought!

The Couch to 5k Training Plan

Week Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7
1 5 min walk
2 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
2 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
3 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
2 5 min walk
3 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
4 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
5 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
3 5 min walk
6 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 4 min jog
5 min walk
4 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
7 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
4 5 min walk
7 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
8 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
9 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
5 5 min walk
9 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 6 min jog
5 min walk
6 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
10 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 5 min walk
11 min jog
5 min walk
6 5 min walk
11 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 13 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 15 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
7 15 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 8 min jog
5 min walk
8 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 16 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 17 min jog
5 min walk
8 17 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 18 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! 20 min jog
5 min walk
Relax! Relax!
9 20 min jog Relax! 12 min jog
5 min walk
12 min jog
Relax! 24 min jog Relax! 25 min jog
10 25 min jog Relax! 27 min jog Relax! 30 min jog Relax! Race Day!

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truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…

sooooo

in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!
lol

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
anyways…
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
anyways.
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

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