Tag Archives: letting go

perception

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the past few months have really been huge

there has been a shift in me
in my energy

in my perception

life isn’t easy…let’s not pretend

life can be hard – stressful
it can shake you down

or it can build you up

i got tired of the negative voice in my head

no i’m not a negative person by default
but i am human – and i let things get to me

add to that how very analytical my brain is – and doesn’t shut off

well it can be a mess in there

then i started to think

about losses

things in my life that i felt i lost
or let go of
because i wasn’t good enough to have them etc

i wasn’t worthy

everything i have lost is my doing

blah blah blah

all these self defeating thoughts
going round and round like a loop in my head

making me feel really unlovable
i couldn’t even like myself

all these damn things

these things that were weighing me down
were not actually things
but me

no one or nothing can have that kind of power over you
unless you allow them to

it really is that simple
and that hard
all in the same breath

the things i have “lost”
i never lost
they weren’t mine to begin with

things that made me feel bad
bad about me, bad about life, bad about everything

those things never belonged to me either

i’m pretty fucking awesome kids

i have a good life – borderline great
i have amazing family and friends
people who would do anything for me

i have love – lots of it
and i feel it every single day of my life
even on those days that the world seems a little dark

losses are not mine to own
feelings of not being enough don’t belong here in this house i keep either

i keep my circle small
because i am aware of what and who i deserve

i know my worth

the rest is just noise
the rest is baggage
the rest is unworthy of a moment of your precious time

and once it clicked

i mean really clicked

shit started changing

my mood

my energy

my laughter

i felt lighter
literally and figuratively

​it seemed like as soon as my mind and my body connected this
the weight started coming off overnight!​
​

stress is a heavy load to carry
and i carried the weight of the world on my shoulders

once i actually realized my worth

what i give to the universe

to those closest to me

the endless supply of my love and affection of those deserving

it seemed my life changed in the blink of an eye

i can’t explain it any more or any less

it just is what it is

change your perception

and see what changes in you

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reality

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i’ve been on track for 4 weeks

four weeks clean eating, and 4 weeks of workouts

can’t tell you if i’ve lost anything as i don’t use a scale
and i never took pictures or measured inches

this is not why i am doing this

well i mean ya – losing weight would be awesome
but it’s lower on the goal list

i feel better

i love when my fit bit goes crazy after i’ve hit a daily goal

i love sweating my stress away
and my clothes feel looser

so i bit the bullet
and got rid of my “small clothes”

for years i have held on to them – thinking that i will get back into them

the reality of it all is…
my body has changed – and i feel like it’s an unrealistic goal

so i got rid of all my size zero pants and xtra small tops
(i can’t believe how tiny i was!!!!)

if by chance i do end up all tiny like that again
at least i have an excuse to go shopping!

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feeding the feelings

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let’s be real

i’ve been gone for a while

it’s what i do

when things are going on – i get gone – if you know what i mean.

the last few months of 2017 were a bit of a shit show

you know, illness, injury, losses
some i knew were coming, and others i was completely blindsided by

then there was the christmas season – that seems to last a lot longer than it should
enter in a birthday (yes i can have cake and sushi and wine and whateverthehelliwant on my birthday)

it was just a horrible, destructive combination

slowly – almost without even realizing it…

i traded in my workouts for lazy nights on the couch
all of a sudden veggies weren’t so appealing – and all i wanted were fries..and naps
i could go on…but i won’t

i will let you in on a little secret

under this tough, bitchy, nothing ever bothers me exterior
this girls got feelings
shhh. don’t tell anyone

i was sad. i was stressed. i was defeated.

and so i do what i always do
i feed my feelings

i fed them all the carbs. alllll the carbs
i gave them love and affection and held them in a big bear hug
in the form of food

enter my Greek mother’s Christmas baking – and damn – that’s like a kiss on my little bruised soul

all the food
all the time

but i recognize it (now)

the damage has been minimal…but it’s still damage

it’s funny to me – the way people cope
how we all cope
our vices may be different – but we all have vices don’t we?

it’s not my first rodeo here (oh and i’ve been watching dr.phil that i pvr’d – perhaps a bit too much)

i am all too familiar with stress…illness..injuries…losses
i mean – it’s life
with the good comes the bad
it’s not like i’m new to this

but i am only human
and sometimes – only sometimes
i get sad
and i throw myself a pity party (albeit a damn long one)

i eat crap – that makes me feel good…for a few moments
only to feel like crap from eating crap

lather rinse repeat

i wasn’t doing my little sad girl feelings any good
i was trying to feel better – feel ok – and i only ended up feeling worse

so i am cleaning out the fridge this weekend
replenishing my good stuff.
to be honest i miss the good stuff

(i’m gonna eat the dill pickle chips though – i can’t throw them away, i’m not a monster)

this isn’t a new years resolution
it’s life
the way i live

i just hit a bit of a bump in the road

this all came to me in the course of an hour
as i was prepping dinner on this unbelievably cold January night

the mother of all comfort foods

mac and cheese

not your average Kraft Dinner – but the real stuff. made from scratch mac and cheese

see? comfort = all the carbs

i’m going to eat it – and i am going to enjoy it

then i’m gonna get my big girl panties on
and kick some serious ass

i did all the feeling – and now it’s time to get back to hardcore bee 😉

gurrrl

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learning lessons

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i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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i just can’t wait!

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i wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

i won’t be around for a while, i will be celebrating the holidays with my family and then i am heading off on a road trip!  i am SOOOO excited!

this past month there hasn’t been much to write about over here.  i’ve been rather open with my diet and not so present at the gym.
i decided not to even begin stressing about it – i have my whole life – and right now over Christmas – i am just living.
the gym will be there in the new year, and so will my new mind set.

2012 is right around the corner.  i get very excited about New Years.  It means new beginnings to me.  New Hope.  New Life.
i am very excited about a clean slate!!!

I will be conquering my Zumba fear in 2012 – and continuing my healthy life style with new motivation.
I am so excited about what the New Year will bring.  to me that is better than Christmas.

May you all have a safe and happy holiday and love your loved ones!!

I receive emails from a website called bravegirlsclub.  i love getting emails from them almost as much as i love getting them from the universe.
the one i got this morning seems very fitting.  a wonderful reminder as the New Year sweeps in.

Dear Beloved Girl,

When we have old things in our hands that we are afraid of being without, with our fists tightly clenched around those things…and we walk around fearing what will happen if we ever open our hands and let those things go…when we worry whether or not anything else will make it’s way into our lives…if we will ever have enough…if our hands will always remain empty if we open them and let the old clenched stuff go………..if we keep doing that, we will NEVER be able to grasp onto what is meant for us.

What is done is done. What is over is over. We are meant to move forward, we are meant to progress. Everything natural and beautiful and true and living was designed to constantly be renewing itself, progressing, living living living and then dying….going on to the next step of it’s life cycle. When we clench old things in our hands, we prevent new things from being able to hold hands with us. New experiences, new things to learn, new relationships, new things that we don’t even know exist yet.

Today is a great day to finally let go. It will be ok. In fact……..it will be incredible.It might hurt for a minute, just like all endings do…….but the new beginning that is just behind the ending (the ending that is long past due) is where the miracles are. Hold on to that hope…but let the rest go.

Let it go.It is time.
You are so very very very loved.

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something i wrote

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i decided i would get a little personal…since it’s Friday and all.

I was going through some old writing and found something that was written at the lowest of my lows.
I believe all my major changes,  accomplishments…and mind set was a result of my feelings when i wrote this.

i guess this was my rock bottom…and i feel comfortable enough to share it with you here…since i’ve let it all go 🙂
it’s amazing what a year can do to you and for you.

The Letting Go

i need to learn the art of letting go
seeing the flaws
beating myself up
expectations set so extremely high for myself and for others.

it tears away at you
bit by bit…takes away from who you are and what’s to be
i need to find the letting go

i need to lay anger, betrayal…of my own self
to rest
i need to inhale and exhale, deeper
i need to love myself , all of myself
including the stretch marks, the dimples….all of it.

i need to let go of sadness and despair
i need to understand that in this life i will be wronged over and over
and i in turn will wrong those i am supposed to love

i need to let go.

i hold on to every little thing
comments, whispers, looks
they burn in me and echo
i create mountains out of pebbles
and the turmoil weighs me down.

i need to learn the art of letting go
of deceptions, of deceit
i need to understand that not everyone has pure motives
and not everyone has your best interest in mind

i need to let go
of what i see when i look at me.
i need to let go of the words i use to describe myself
that i wouldn’t dare say to anyone else.
i want to love me like others love me
i need
i need
to find the letting go

i need to find the letting go
of allowing past hurts to creep up on me
and allowing them to take refuge in a heart that’s mostly healed
i need to let it go
i gotta let it go.

in the loves that almost were
and the children that almost blessed me
in the friends no longer friendly

the letting go

i need to find the letting go.

© 2010 bee

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