Tag Archives: journal

self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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real life looks like…real life

after a week of not working out
i was going a little stir crazy
by a little…i mean a lot

it was weighing me down

i was feeling sad and defeated

i had the energy
but i didn’t have a willing body

so today…i decided was the day
regardless of how my ankle felt…it was time to give it a try

i wrapped it up
threw on some socks – and my fancy runners

(i always work out barefoot at home – so this was quite the adjustment)

but i did it

an hour and a half work out

and i felt like a million bucks

my ankle was not too impressed with me – but i iced it afterwards…and kept it elevated

i’ll be damned if i let it stop me now

so baby – i’m back (i think – ask me tomorrow)

just recently, my sister in law and i were discussing the art of the “selfie”

i get selfies, i really do
but they take a lot of work. you know, the right amount of make up – lighting – at least 100 practice shots before you even post the real thing
a million different filters so you look 20 years younger

so what about real life selfies?

so that is exactly what we did
sent eachother real life selfies
no filters
just real life

you know…while cooking dinner
doing laundry
washing the floors

real life

i won’t post hers here
but my god – they are funny

so i decided to send her a couple today

this one was titled:
“the seductive, sweaty hour and a half cardio afterglow”

seductive

and this one was:

“this sprained ankle’s got nothing on me bitches”

bitches

lol

real life
no filters

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slight glitch

so i’ve been a work out machine over the past few months

the odd part of it all?

i am loving it. i think that “loving” could be an understatement actually

it’s the highlight of my day – almost every single day

i am in love with Shaun T and his Cize dvd’s
seriously i cannot get enough

So over the weekend
i was wired. i don’t know where my energy came from
but i had a lot of it

i worked out for 2 hours on the Saturday
and i felt amazing

Sunday i did another hour and a half
and when i was done
my ankle just felt “off”

so i did what any other sane person would do
and did another hour on Monday

by the end of that work out
i was in pain
soooo much pain

i managed to get myself showered – and almost fell going up the stairs

i could barely put any weight on my foot

look down…and my ankle had been replaced by a softball
or so it seemed

and what did i do the next day?
loaded up on advil – bought an ankle support thingy – hobbled the whole day through
and still intended on working out
(how i am not really sure)

it didn’t happen

i ended up going to the walk in on wednesday
i could have swore something was cracked in there

(i should mention, i parked two blocks away…on purpose…to get more exercise – yes even though i believed i might have a fractured ankle.  i’m a sad human)

after a few xrays – i was all clear
no fracture

just a bad sprain – caused by the bad sprain i had a couple years ago

no working out for at least a week

what??!?!?!

the doc said i was able to go on walks though

ok….
so i will walk

10k is not considered a work out is it?

cause that’s what i was going to do. that night i got dressed…not giving a damn what i looked like
(and i looked ahhhmazing)

ankle.jpg

i started my very fast paced 10k

until i stopped

and managed 4k
4k too many i think

because wow – by the time i got home
i had tears in my eyes
and couldn’t even get myself to the couch

advil and ice
my new best friends

but the problem my friends is….

i just can’t sit still

so i did it again tonight

i debated working out – but talked myself out of it

took a new scenic route today
and almost cried

i’d say about 60% of that walk was on an incline
and my ankle doesn’t seem to like it that much

but i made it

barely

i’m stretched out on my couch
icing my poor excuse for an ankle

feeling somewhat defeated
but thinking of ways to still get my groove on

you know what’s a little frightening?

i am getting more exercise with a bummed out ankle
than i was just a few months ago
when i was physically capable
almost twice as much from what my fitbit is telling me

another scary thought?

i’ve been at this for quite some time
and don’t really notice a physical difference
which is really defeating
other people have commented
but the weight loss is excruciatingly sloooowwwwww

it’s true
the older you get
the harder it is to drop the weight
and that’s a sad sad realization
when i know i will be in a bathing suit in about a month

poor me

so that’s it

i’m sitting here
ankle throbbing
convinced i will be cured
and will get my groove on in my underpants tomorrow

positive thinking never hurt right?

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all a girl needs

is a brand new pair of sexy shoes

(my definition of sexy has changed as i have gotten older lol)

 

last May i went and got fitted for the perfect runners.

i took up running again after 20 years…and my 7 year old runners didn’t cut it

seems my body didn’t want to run as much as my brain wanted to
i had some bad shin splintsi mean crying kinda bad.

so i went and bought a beautiful pair of runners.

170 bucks later…i hit the pavement

my legs felt better…but i will still in a lot of pain.

i got to wear them twice…and then life happened.

i was in the middle of buying a house, packing…moving

all that fun stuff.

once i got settled in to the new house…
i sprained my ankle.  badly.

i gave up on the idea of running…never mind running.  i couldn’t even walk.

almost a year later…and my ankle is still not right.

anyway

once i moved….
my shoes were nowhere to be found
actually…a whole box of shoes…were missing.
somehow they got lost in the move…
just one box.
of course the box with all my most favourite shoes.
you know, the hoochie mamma shoes, work shoes
and these beautiful running shoes i just bought.

i was soooooo very sad.

for my birthday in December, a couple of my wonderful friends got me a gift card
so i could buy a pair of the shoes i lost.i was sooooo happy 🙂

4 months later…i went and purchased said shoes.

they were last years shoe…and so they were almost 50% off.

i bought my new pair of shoes for $1.70.

seriously…it can’t get better than that.

so now i have the shoes

i just need my legs to work
🙂
thank you lovely friends for the gift card!
and here are the sexy beasts
shoes

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finding myself

umm hi
remember me?

i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss

let me tell you something.

i’ve been lost.
so very lost

i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.

i’ve had good intentions.  honestly.

but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.

alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.

i’ve been through some serious life changes.  lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.

it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.

i’ve maintained pretty well considering.

obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.

let me tell you something.  just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.

it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.

i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.

how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?

*sigh*

it’s true…my time is limited.  i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.

i have motivation – somewhere in there

i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.

and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.

i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.

i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.

it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.

it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.

besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.

truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again

i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.

i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.

i just need help.

just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…

if i don’t – evil wins

and i am better than that

better than them.

help me find my mojo?


//

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i must have these…now

i want these shoes.

i don’t want them a little bit – i want them a lot.

i am really good with my shoes.  like freakishly good with them.
i am as good to my shoes as i am to my books.
if you know me in real life you know i won’t even loan out my books – in fear that you will not treat them with respect and damage them
the spines of all my books are in perfect condition.
anyways i have gone totally off topic.

my current runners were purchased in New York – the year?  2005.
i wish i had them with me to take a picture of them – they are in amazing condition.

A beautiful pair of Adidas.

i wear them to the gym – on walks – and when i Zumba.

granted these are not worn every day…but for 7 years old – they have a lot of life left in them.

but i think it’s time to add to my shoe collection.

and these Nikes are so perdy!!  they look so comfortable – perhaps they will inspire me to work out more.
or – i could just wear them at home and admire them whilst i sit my ass on my couch
lol

but seriously – i need these shoes.
me love these shoes.

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what’s shakin’

it’s been 14 days of clean eating.  i mean spotless, by the book clean.
there were the 2 onion rings yesterday…but i was forced to eat them…yeah that’s right.  i had no choice 😉

the first couple of days were rough.  i was cranky and unhappy.  after that – smooth sailing.
the same thing always happens when i fall off plan.  i dread going back on it – and then when i am actually on it – i cannot wrap my head around why i even stopped.

i make sure i do alot of prep the night before.  i make sure i have enough to snack on during the day so i don’t crave crap.
it’s expensive this eating healthy thing – but again, worth it.
and my dinners are planned for the week.  it keeps me on track – who knew i’d have a dinner schedule!

i pulled out my capri’s this morning.  i haven’t worn them since last summer – so i was really afraid that they would not fit.
they fit 🙂
they got stuck at my thunder thighs (every pair of pants gets stuck on my thighs – again – thanks mom)
but they fit.

I’ve noticed a difference in me even in the 2 weeks.  like, instead of looking 6 months pregnant, i am looking a comfortable 3. lol
had i not started eating healthy again these pants would have zero hope of fitting.

I have yet to do my Zumba on the wii.  My wii was not working 😦
i was sad about that.
anyways – it was fixed last night and i am ready to go as soon as i get home.
i put it on last night and just watched from the couch – for one song…
i was getting into the music and it seems that just by moving my body a little – i was able to burn 23 calories lmao
too funny.
but yes – i can’t wait.

the gym called me the other day. it was a lady i have never spoken to – never seen – who knows, maybe she is new.
anyways she called to tell me she missed me.
awwww that just warmed my itty bitty heart!
she doesn’t even know me but she misses me.  how sweet.
it’s not my money they are missing cause they still get that – so i don’t know what their angle is.
hmmm – can you tell i don’t trust gyms?
don’t worry my little gym – i plan on returning to you.

i haven’t had a glass of wine in 2 weeks.  i think i will celebrate tomorrow by pouring myself a nice glass of red and sit outside and enjoy the night sky.

and that my friends is what’s new in the healthy world of me!

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