Tag Archives: journal

perception

the past few months have really been huge

there has been a shift in me
in my energy

in my perception

life isn’t easy…let’s not pretend

life can be hard – stressful
it can shake you down

or it can build you up

i got tired of the negative voice in my head

no i’m not a negative person by default
but i am human – and i let things get to me

add to that how very analytical my brain is – and doesn’t shut off

well it can be a mess in there

then i started to think

about losses

things in my life that i felt i lost
or let go of
because i wasn’t good enough to have them etc

i wasn’t worthy

everything i have lost is my doing

blah blah blah

all these self defeating thoughts
going round and round like a loop in my head

making me feel really unlovable
i couldn’t even like myself

all these damn things

these things that were weighing me down
were not actually things
but me

no one or nothing can have that kind of power over you
unless you allow them to

it really is that simple
and that hard
all in the same breath

the things i have “lost”
i never lost
they weren’t mine to begin with

things that made me feel bad
bad about me, bad about life, bad about everything

those things never belonged to me either

i’m pretty fucking awesome kids

i have a good life – borderline great
i have amazing family and friends
people who would do anything for me

i have love – lots of it
and i feel it every single day of my life
even on those days that the world seems a little dark

losses are not mine to own
feelings of not being enough don’t belong here in this house i keep either

i keep my circle small
because i am aware of what and who i deserve

i know my worth

the rest is just noise
the rest is baggage
the rest is unworthy of a moment of your precious time

and once it clicked

i mean really clicked

shit started changing

my mood

my energy

my laughter

i felt lighter
literally and figuratively

​it seemed like as soon as my mind and my body connected this
the weight started coming off overnight!​

stress is a heavy load to carry
and i carried the weight of the world on my shoulders

once i actually realized my worth

what i give to the universe

to those closest to me

the endless supply of my love and affection of those deserving

it seemed my life changed in the blink of an eye

i can’t explain it any more or any less

it just is what it is

change your perception

and see what changes in you

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guilty pleasure

i love to dance

i mean love

but can i dance?

that would be a big fat no. this girl has no rhythm

(although i am queen of chair dancing)

you will never see me dancing in public, unless there is alcohol involved
because then – well – i am a total superstar

the fact that i can’t dance – does not mean i shouldn’t dance

and so i am doing some hip hop – in the comfort of my own home

sure, i may have kicked a dog or two so far

sure, i’ve almost peed my pants laughing at how ridiculous i must look

and yes – i’ve heard laughter coming from the peanut gallery when i am not alone

but

who cares???

it’s FUN!

i have learned that there is no point in doing something you hate

there is nothing worse than trying to talk yourself into a daily work out when you hate it

so why not do something you love?

and i love dancing!

it’s only day 2 and my body hurts from head to toe

so you can’t tell me it’s not doing anything for me

and the upside?

it’s in the comfort of my own home
so i can look the fool all i want

i don’t care

do what you love

love what you do

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game on

it’s official

i just booked my vacation today!!!!

i cannot believe how blessed my life is

i made a promise to myself a few years ago – to simply travel more

go and live and love my life

and now my countdown can officially begin!!!!

my nutrition has been on point
but my working out has been non existent

come monday – that is all going to change

not that there’s anything wrong with my current bikini body
but a little exercise can’t hurt

so often we talk about physical health/transformation

what about mental health?
spiritual health?

a couple of years ago i promised to take care of me
in all aspects

my soul being priority

this vacation has set my soul on fire

i can’t wait!

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game changer

i’ve been craving pancakes

it’s a comfort thing

something you can make on the weekend

butter
maple syrup

do i really need to say more?

i spent alot of time researching on line
for the best low carb maple syrup
and found several

i finally decided on a local company
filled out the information
and the order wouldn’t go through

after several attempts – and it being 1am
i gave up

went to my local grocery store the other day
a place i checked at least a dozen times for low carb maple syrup – and they never carried any

but there it was!!!

gluten/calorie/carb free syrup!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(and yes it actually tastes delicious!)

if i didn’t think i’d hurt myself
i would have done a cart wheel right there!!!

so now – i just needed a good low carb pancake recipe

and dear lord – i found one!

i couldn’t wait for pancake Tuesday
so i made them yesterday

the recipe makes for a small serving
(4 small pancakes)

so not only did i have pancakes for breakfast
but i had them for dinner too!!!

pancakes

i know the picture doesn’t do them justice
since i butchered one of them

but these made my belly very happy!!!

would it be wrong to eat pancakes every day?

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hot mess

i am very accident prone

by “very” i mean insanely. embarassingly accident prone

you know – getting a badly sprained ankle that took over a year to heal (and hasn’t ever been the same)
from just standing

yes – just standing
my ankle turned over and BAM – there i was in my back yard – crawling my body towards the house
hoping none of my neighbours saw me

falling down my stairs for no apparent reason
often
(i think my next house is going to be a bungalo)

and then there was this one time – on my front porch
tripping over my own feet
that resulted in me doing some sort of acrobatic dance moves to keep myself from actually falling

i ended up doing something to my back
where i could barely move – shower – bend over etc

oh and this was right when i had to travel to the states

i was highly medicated for weeks

Prior to that i had injured my back due to improper form while working out – so it’s always been “off”

last week while i was walking UP the stairs at the office
i tripped
but not over a step – noooo. over my own two feet

so of course i tried not to fall – and ended up in some fast forward – full on run
and slammed face first into the wall that was at least 5 feet away
(thank god for the wall lol)

but of course i couldn’t be alone for that moment
a coworker witnessed every fabulous second
and broke down laughing
(i don’t blame him)

an hour later – everything ached
my wrist, my knee, both ankles
i was a hot mess

lathered myself in voltarin when i got home
and of course – couldn’t work out for a few days

by yesterday i was feeling much better
and was going to start a new program today
i was excited to get moving and back on track

till around 3:00 this morning
when i fell out of bed
THUMP
right on the floor

FELL OUT OF BED!!!!!!

i am not so sure that i fell
or was nudged by my little dog

true story

I wish i could say this surprises me
but to be honest
what surprises me is how this hasn’t happened sooner!

so i am tired
grumpy
and sore

voltarin it is
and hopefully i will be able to get back at it in a few days

i’m a hot mess!!

as for my little loving pup?
she’s in bed
sleeping like the angel that she is lol

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reality

i’ve been on track for 4 weeks

four weeks clean eating, and 4 weeks of workouts

can’t tell you if i’ve lost anything as i don’t use a scale
and i never took pictures or measured inches

this is not why i am doing this

well i mean ya – losing weight would be awesome
but it’s lower on the goal list

i feel better

i love when my fit bit goes crazy after i’ve hit a daily goal

i love sweating my stress away
and my clothes feel looser

so i bit the bullet
and got rid of my “small clothes”

for years i have held on to them – thinking that i will get back into them

the reality of it all is…
my body has changed – and i feel like it’s an unrealistic goal

so i got rid of all my size zero pants and xtra small tops
(i can’t believe how tiny i was!!!!)

if by chance i do end up all tiny like that again
at least i have an excuse to go shopping!

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in other news

look what this lucky girl got for Christmas

fitbit

Best gift ever!!!!!

yes i have a fit bit already – yes it works just fine – no issues whatsoever

but this?

look how pretty it is.

i normally am not into “big” things. things that draw attention. flashy things

but this Blaze is just so pretty!

and it’s sporting my favourite number(s)
8 and 18

anything 8

funny how a new toy can motivate the crap outta you!

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feeding the feelings

let’s be real

i’ve been gone for a while

it’s what i do

when things are going on – i get gone – if you know what i mean.

the last few months of 2017 were a bit of a shit show

you know, illness, injury, losses
some i knew were coming, and others i was completely blindsided by

then there was the christmas season – that seems to last a lot longer than it should
enter in a birthday (yes i can have cake and sushi and wine and whateverthehelliwant on my birthday)

it was just a horrible, destructive combination

slowly – almost without even realizing it…

i traded in my workouts for lazy nights on the couch
all of a sudden veggies weren’t so appealing – and all i wanted were fries..and naps
i could go on…but i won’t

i will let you in on a little secret

under this tough, bitchy, nothing ever bothers me exterior
this girls got feelings
shhh. don’t tell anyone

i was sad. i was stressed. i was defeated.

and so i do what i always do
i feed my feelings

i fed them all the carbs. alllll the carbs
i gave them love and affection and held them in a big bear hug
in the form of food

enter my Greek mother’s Christmas baking – and damn – that’s like a kiss on my little bruised soul

all the food
all the time

but i recognize it (now)

the damage has been minimal…but it’s still damage

it’s funny to me – the way people cope
how we all cope
our vices may be different – but we all have vices don’t we?

it’s not my first rodeo here (oh and i’ve been watching dr.phil that i pvr’d – perhaps a bit too much)

i am all too familiar with stress…illness..injuries…losses
i mean – it’s life
with the good comes the bad
it’s not like i’m new to this

but i am only human
and sometimes – only sometimes
i get sad
and i throw myself a pity party (albeit a damn long one)

i eat crap – that makes me feel good…for a few moments
only to feel like crap from eating crap

lather rinse repeat

i wasn’t doing my little sad girl feelings any good
i was trying to feel better – feel ok – and i only ended up feeling worse

so i am cleaning out the fridge this weekend
replenishing my good stuff.
to be honest i miss the good stuff

(i’m gonna eat the dill pickle chips though – i can’t throw them away, i’m not a monster)

this isn’t a new years resolution
it’s life
the way i live

i just hit a bit of a bump in the road

this all came to me in the course of an hour
as i was prepping dinner on this unbelievably cold January night

the mother of all comfort foods

mac and cheese

not your average Kraft Dinner – but the real stuff. made from scratch mac and cheese

see? comfort = all the carbs

i’m going to eat it – and i am going to enjoy it

then i’m gonna get my big girl panties on
and kick some serious ass

i did all the feeling – and now it’s time to get back to hardcore bee 😉

gurrrl

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