Tag Archives: heart break

today – my heart hurts

my morning ritual is to catch up on world events…and so i go on line.
99% of the time i find myself sighing and asking myself what has this world come to?

a couple of days ago i watched the most heartbreaking video of a 2 year old girl in China being run over by two trucks.  the first one ran over her with the front tires…and then paused…then proceeded to run her over – ever so slowly with the back tires.  no one helped her.  no one helped her.
people walked by, biked by – and did nothing to help her.

today i read about a young boy named Jamie Hubley.

Jamie was 15 – and committed suicide a few days ago.
the reason?  bullying.

on this young boys blog he wrote of his severe depression, his cutting, how he didn’t want to live anymore…and finally a short suicide note…
how he couldn’t possibly wait 3 years (to be out of high school) for life to get better.

when i was a kid…i went through stuff.  i think almost all kids do.  i remember being depressed and hating my life…and i remember thinking to myself – that i would never forget what it felt like to be a kid in the throws of turmoil.
but i think a big part of me did.

i was never a victim of excessive bullying.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  i had an older brother who paved the way for me in high school – and so no one dared to bother me.
i also was never a bully.  i don’t recall ever being cruel or hateful to anyone in school.  sure there were people i didn’t like – there were kids i made fun of behind their backs…but i am pretty sure i was never cruel.
there was a period back in grade school…where a “friend” and i would fight every recess and get sent to the principles office…
and i went through a phase where i would fight boys until they would be my boyfriend – but i am unsure if that was bullying or flirting….or just normal

i read some of this boy’s blog today.  every entry, every picture….every single word was a desperate cry for help.
he was cutting himself – even his face….
i wonder – did anyone really try to help him?
if you saw a child walking around (and yes, Jamie was a child) – with self harm marks all over their body – do you not help? or do you assume that this kid just wants attention??
his blog screams “help me” – posts are tagged with “suicide” – and now he’s gone.

his family will never know what kind of man he would grow up to be.
Jamie will never know that yes, things do get better.  he will never get the opportunity to grow and become what he was intended to be in this world.

this has left me sitting here crying.  crying for a child i never knew.
crying for all the lost possibility
crying for his desperation, his depression…his final act.

i don’t get it.  maybe i am not supposed to.
has bullying changed since i was a kid?  has it become more aggressive?  more unbearable?
or is it simply how someone reacts to it – since we are not all built the same.

i am really bothered by this today.  i am affected….
and so i am writing about this here – hoping that it reaches as many people as it possibly can.
this should not happen to one more child.

i hope my nieces and my nephews – and any children i may have…never ever feel this hopeless, this desperate.
this makes me want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them from all the evil in the world.

i’m sorry for this downer post – but life is not all rainbows and sunshine is it…just ask Jamie’s family.

to read about Jamie – please click here. – and pass it on.

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something i wrote

i decided i would get a little personal…since it’s Friday and all.

I was going through some old writing and found something that was written at the lowest of my lows.
I believe all my major changes,  accomplishments…and mind set was a result of my feelings when i wrote this.

i guess this was my rock bottom…and i feel comfortable enough to share it with you here…since i’ve let it all go 🙂
it’s amazing what a year can do to you and for you.

The Letting Go

i need to learn the art of letting go
seeing the flaws
beating myself up
expectations set so extremely high for myself and for others.

it tears away at you
bit by bit…takes away from who you are and what’s to be
i need to find the letting go

i need to lay anger, betrayal…of my own self
to rest
i need to inhale and exhale, deeper
i need to love myself , all of myself
including the stretch marks, the dimples….all of it.

i need to let go of sadness and despair
i need to understand that in this life i will be wronged over and over
and i in turn will wrong those i am supposed to love

i need to let go.

i hold on to every little thing
comments, whispers, looks
they burn in me and echo
i create mountains out of pebbles
and the turmoil weighs me down.

i need to learn the art of letting go
of deceptions, of deceit
i need to understand that not everyone has pure motives
and not everyone has your best interest in mind

i need to let go
of what i see when i look at me.
i need to let go of the words i use to describe myself
that i wouldn’t dare say to anyone else.
i want to love me like others love me
i need
i need
to find the letting go

i need to find the letting go
of allowing past hurts to creep up on me
and allowing them to take refuge in a heart that’s mostly healed
i need to let it go
i gotta let it go.

in the loves that almost were
and the children that almost blessed me
in the friends no longer friendly

the letting go

i need to find the letting go.

© 2010 bee

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rockin’ my socks off

i wonder how many calories one can burn while chair dancing…
’cause i do alot of that.
and if i must say…i am pretty damn good at it.

(i have also been known to randomly break out in dance in the middle of a mall…i can’t help it when the music moves me kids…ask the people in Winners lol)

i love getting into my car and driving if i have great music to get me to my destination.
sometimes…on the rare occasion, i don’t even get pissed off when i hit traffic…because it gives me more time to enjoy my music.

I don’t care who looks over at me while i am wailing away to my favourite song…or bouncing in my seat.
i swear…it’s worth seeing i am sure.

funny thing is…i don’t really get weird looks.  if anything i get a lot of big grins and it makes me smile back.

i am just a girl, rockin’ in my own world.
certainly all that chair dancing has got to count for some sort of physical exertion yes?

Adele has once again found herself on repeat in my car.  i am completely in love with that woman.
If you haven’t purchased that cd, i don’t know what you are waiting for.
i wonder what she was going through when she wrote this one…i can only assume heartbreak, perhaps love that was not meant to be…unrequited love.

i am counting the minutes until i am back in my car…singing her songs at the top of my lungs, making a fool of myself 🙂

Adele is good for my soul.  and my heart.

as you were.

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