Tag Archives: health

body dysmorphia

i’m pretty sure i struggle with this.

i am sure alot of people do.

i decided to change my life (for the 10th millionth time) last August.
i was struggling with what i saw in the mirror every day.
although i was working out and eating relatively healthy…i just wasn’t consistent
i would fall off the wagon and jump back on
over and over and over.

finally something snapped inside of me
and i needed to change

it started with me buying a program from beachbody that terrified me
and committing myself to finish it.
i am no stranger to their programs – but this one was tough
and i was going to do it.
21 day fix – 3 weeks to a better you. it comes with a meal plan and portion control containers
this was my first time swaying from my low carb lifestyle and doing exercises that beyond challenged me
i still to this day will swear at Autumn (the instructor) as i’m pushing myself

i am happy to say i DID complete it. more than once.
I am currently on my 7th round. SEVENTH!
i did a couple of other programs in between
but apparently this is my go to.

this is where the mind plays tricks on you.

i have been consistent for 11 months
i work out 6 days a week.
my diet is 80-90% clean (i have the occasional cheat meal – i AM human)
i needed 3 weeks off for an injury i sustained from working out
and then i took a month off from coming down with the most horrible flu of my life
but other than that – i’ve been on track.

i never weigh myself
but i did measure
as of January 7th i lost a total of 22.75 inches off my whole body!
and i haven’t measured since
my clothes are fitting much looser – and some things from last year are just too big to wear
depending on where i shop – i am down 1-2 sizes
and according to Victoria’s Secret, i am down two cup sizes (to some people’s disappointment lol)
i take pictures to see progress…

and i see it. but i definitely don’t register it.

i see the me i was last august – if not bigger

and even though it makes absolutely zero sense
that is exactly how i feel

i feel like i have made no progress
no matter how my clothes fit – or what pictures tell me

it makes me want to give up
makes me want to quit

but what will that do for me?

just make me even more miserable than i already am

i feel good. i feel healthier. i have alot more energy
i love the way i eat…and even though alot of times i dread working out
i never regret a work out

i ordered a dress on line a few weeks ago
i never buy clothes on line
anyway it came the other day. i just looked at it and thought no freaking way am i getting my body in to this
i threw it aside and never even bothered
i called it the barbie doll dress – because i am sure it wasn’t designed to fit a human body

last night i tried it on
honestly – just to see how funny i would look in it
get a few laughs

it fit – it fit nicely
and my jaw dropped

form fitting – tiny – sexy even

and it fit

not sure why i’m shocked – since i work my ass off every single day

but this is where i am at
feeling uncomfortable in my skin – even though the results are there

next week i have to go bikini shopping

i’m going to need someone to talk me off the ledge
and keep me away from all the comfort food i’m going to want to devour

it’s a struggle
but i’m trying

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out of the mouth of babes

laying on the beach – getting sun kissed
my gorgeous 7 year old niece wanted to go into the water with me
she’s begging me to get up

and so up i got

she looks at me and says – auntie bee? why does your belly button disappear when you sit up?

it took me a second or two to register – and before i could say anything – miss tiny skinny minnie says – it’s ok…mine does too.
(bless her little heart)

i started laughing
you know the laugh
that kind of laugh that comes from deep in your belly and it’s hard to catch your breath – tears in your eyes

i said – i am a little older than you baby – i have more skin

i grabbed her hand and off we went in to the water and had the time of our lives

had anyone else said that to me
i probably would have been horrified – and covered myself up immediately
i would have stewed over it for days – and shoved my mouth full of comfort food
i would have felt sorry for myself and no doubt would cry buckets of tears

but she’s seven.
not only is she 7 – but i watch her – looking at other women – their bodies – their figures – even their breasts
comparing herself – assessing herself
she picks herself apart
she bragged to me how the one piece she was wearing was a size smaller than what she should be wearing
where does she get this? because it certainly isn’t coming from us – her family.

did i mention she is 7?

she refused to wear a bikini – and felt more comfortable in a one piece
that was fine with me – i told her she could wear whatever bathing suit she wanted

later we went shopping and she was eyeballing a bikini
she called me over and told me she loved it
i asked her what about that bikini she liked

it was padded. it would give her a chest

she’s 7

did her honest little question sting?
sure
but she was just asking a question.
she loves me. doesn’t care what i weigh, or what size my clothes are
she loves me

and i love her

and because i love her – i hope to god my reaction to her question was all the answer that she needed

who cares if you can’t see your belly button when you sit down

i am still awesome – i can still play in the water with her – we can still laugh and have a great time
annnnnnnd
i will flaunt this kick ass body in a bikini any day!

belly button or no belly button at all

and i hope – that as she gets older – she will do the same damn thing

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self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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real life looks like…real life

after a week of not working out
i was going a little stir crazy
by a little…i mean a lot

it was weighing me down

i was feeling sad and defeated

i had the energy
but i didn’t have a willing body

so today…i decided was the day
regardless of how my ankle felt…it was time to give it a try

i wrapped it up
threw on some socks – and my fancy runners

(i always work out barefoot at home – so this was quite the adjustment)

but i did it

an hour and a half work out

and i felt like a million bucks

my ankle was not too impressed with me – but i iced it afterwards…and kept it elevated

i’ll be damned if i let it stop me now

so baby – i’m back (i think – ask me tomorrow)

just recently, my sister in law and i were discussing the art of the “selfie”

i get selfies, i really do
but they take a lot of work. you know, the right amount of make up – lighting – at least 100 practice shots before you even post the real thing
a million different filters so you look 20 years younger

so what about real life selfies?

so that is exactly what we did
sent eachother real life selfies
no filters
just real life

you know…while cooking dinner
doing laundry
washing the floors

real life

i won’t post hers here
but my god – they are funny

so i decided to send her a couple today

this one was titled:
“the seductive, sweaty hour and a half cardio afterglow”

seductive

and this one was:

“this sprained ankle’s got nothing on me bitches”

bitches

lol

real life
no filters

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slight glitch

so i’ve been a work out machine over the past few months

the odd part of it all?

i am loving it. i think that “loving” could be an understatement actually

it’s the highlight of my day – almost every single day

i am in love with Shaun T and his Cize dvd’s
seriously i cannot get enough

So over the weekend
i was wired. i don’t know where my energy came from
but i had a lot of it

i worked out for 2 hours on the Saturday
and i felt amazing

Sunday i did another hour and a half
and when i was done
my ankle just felt “off”

so i did what any other sane person would do
and did another hour on Monday

by the end of that work out
i was in pain
soooo much pain

i managed to get myself showered – and almost fell going up the stairs

i could barely put any weight on my foot

look down…and my ankle had been replaced by a softball
or so it seemed

and what did i do the next day?
loaded up on advil – bought an ankle support thingy – hobbled the whole day through
and still intended on working out
(how i am not really sure)

it didn’t happen

i ended up going to the walk in on wednesday
i could have swore something was cracked in there

(i should mention, i parked two blocks away…on purpose…to get more exercise – yes even though i believed i might have a fractured ankle.  i’m a sad human)

after a few xrays – i was all clear
no fracture

just a bad sprain – caused by the bad sprain i had a couple years ago

no working out for at least a week

what??!?!?!

the doc said i was able to go on walks though

ok….
so i will walk

10k is not considered a work out is it?

cause that’s what i was going to do. that night i got dressed…not giving a damn what i looked like
(and i looked ahhhmazing)

ankle.jpg

i started my very fast paced 10k

until i stopped

and managed 4k
4k too many i think

because wow – by the time i got home
i had tears in my eyes
and couldn’t even get myself to the couch

advil and ice
my new best friends

but the problem my friends is….

i just can’t sit still

so i did it again tonight

i debated working out – but talked myself out of it

took a new scenic route today
and almost cried

i’d say about 60% of that walk was on an incline
and my ankle doesn’t seem to like it that much

but i made it

barely

i’m stretched out on my couch
icing my poor excuse for an ankle

feeling somewhat defeated
but thinking of ways to still get my groove on

you know what’s a little frightening?

i am getting more exercise with a bummed out ankle
than i was just a few months ago
when i was physically capable
almost twice as much from what my fitbit is telling me

another scary thought?

i’ve been at this for quite some time
and don’t really notice a physical difference
which is really defeating
other people have commented
but the weight loss is excruciatingly sloooowwwwww

it’s true
the older you get
the harder it is to drop the weight
and that’s a sad sad realization
when i know i will be in a bathing suit in about a month

poor me

so that’s it

i’m sitting here
ankle throbbing
convinced i will be cured
and will get my groove on in my underpants tomorrow

positive thinking never hurt right?

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no rest for the weary

in my new found love for working out
i allow myself two rest days a week

i think 5 days a week is good enough

sunday is my dedicated day of rest
just a day for myself
to do whatever i want – which normally would never ever include me willingly wanting to work out

i slept in this morning
woke up and had my coffee
caught up on line
and then it happened

i wanted to work out

what?

i’ve become addicted to the latest workout by Shaun T
Cize

if you haven’t heard about it you need to google it now!!
(go on, i’ll wait)

basically he teaches you dance moves and at the end of it all you rock out your new routine to a popular song

i got stuck on a certain level – couldn’t quite get the moves down
so now i was challenged.

so – ya
i worked out for an hour and 20 minutes all before lunch

i nailed all the dance moves
and punched myself in the face – i couldn’t make that up if i tried
i am a white girl with zero rhythm – and very accident prone

i hit my 10000 goal step before lunch!

sunday fitbit

i love that my body is remembering how much it loves exercising

i also think that my brain might be in a bit of panic mode
ya know, bikini time is right around the corner

my day wasn’t restful – but i loved every sweaty minute of it

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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she’s no longer the one

she’s on her way!!!

Fitbit_Charge_Wearable-29

yes. i did it. i’ve been eyeing this baby for a long time
and finally decided to do it

but don’t you have a fit bit you ask?

yes

yes i do.

i bought it a couple of years ago…and it still works perfectly fine

but lately our relationship has changed

i am not sure why but it has

twice now
i have had a pretty serious injury from this fit bit

no – nothing life threatening

just a little painful

i have the fitbit “one”

i tuck it neatly in to my bra and go about my day

twice now, when i get home and get undressed
somehow the skin on my boob comes off with the bra – attached to the “one”
(oh god the pain!!!!!!!!!)

i have a scar from the first time
and a nice red scab currently from this last time

i bought the “one”
because i could wear it and no one could see it
it was discreet
but now
now
she’s not the one

no one messes with the girls
and gets away with it!

the charge should be here in a few days

i feel like a kid waiting for Christmas 🙂

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what love looks like

it looks like this

(please don’t look if you are dying for something delicious and sweet)

 

cake1

my birthday is soonish
and someone that i care about
and love

went out of her way
to make me a tiramisu cake – with her own two hands
wrap it up with her love
and Purolate it to me at work!

this cake made a 5-6 hour trip
just to end up in my tummy
(and who are we kidding, my ass and my thighs)

along with the cake came a beautiful card

and i gotta tell you

for a moment i felt like the most loved girl
in the world

and who knows

maybe in that moment i was

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only me

so i gave my body two full days of rest
and decided to test out these legs of mine on day 3

i decided i would walk to a restaurant where i was meeting friends for dinner
it was only 2.5 km’s away
if i was in pain, i could always get a lift home

i am happy to say
no pain at all. i was able to put in two good walks over the weekend
so i have no idea what those shin splints were about

crazy time has started at work again
and i am trying to find ways to keep moving
that’s hard when you have a desk job
and work 12-14-16 hours a day

today i left the house at 6
by the time i got in and changed and ready to relax it was after 9pm
where do i find the motivation to work out
when i just want to stop drop and roll?

but this is the reality of my life
about a week of normalcy and then 3 weeks of utter craziness

it’s just my new normal
and won’t change until they hire someone to help pick up the extra load

i may be wonder woman
but i can’t do this much longer
it’s exhausting, and i have no time to myself. to take care of myself etc

january cannot come soon enough

and now for the TMI portion of the evening

my fitbit is trying to kill me

i have the fitbit one
and it clips nicely and discreetly to my bra
i just put it in the centre and off i go

i guess the other day
i tucked it in more to the left side
snug as a bug
lol

when i got home that night
and got undressed
i felt something wet on my leg

it was blood

not sure what happened
but i think the placement of the fitbit
caused a HUGE blister
smack dab on one of the girls
and when i whipped off the bra
apparently i ripped off the skin
a lot of it

and that’s the story of my fitbit trying to kill me

this is no surprise
if anything weird can happen to me
it will

and it did

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