Tag Archives: guilt

houston, we are having a breakdown

well it finally happened
bee had a tad of a melt down yesterday.  i looked a little like this lol

as per usual, i raced home to take my sweet puppy outside for a walk.
raced back in and got dressed for the gym.
right before i left…i felt a little woozy and nauseous.  no worries…i figured it would pass.

ran downstairs to meet GB, got in her car…and my world started spinning
“i don’t feel so good” i said.
she asked if i wanted to stay home…and i said no way – this will pass.

we pulled into the parking lot…and i have the sweats, crazy beating heart…and i still feel nauseous.
my world is spinning – and i am getting ready to go in and do some cardio.
what is wrong with this picture???

GB after looking at me like i had 5 heads told me i probably shouldn’t go in feeling the way i do.
it took a bit of convincing – but alas i did not go.

we grabbed an iced coffee and headed to the lake for some fresh air.

10 minutes later i told her we could go try working out.
she laughed at me and ignored me.

i don’t know what i was thinking – but there is no way i could have worked out.

i went home and that’s when it all spiraled out of control.

i washed some dishes, got my recyclables together…and thought about dinner.
all the while debating whether i should run out and get my butt to the gym.

i felt so guilty.  missing one day at the gym totally screwed up my schedule.

now i had to rearrange everything.

my life is all about structure.  it never has been before…but now it has to be….for me to be remotely successful

when was i going to do everything else??

i was defeated…i felt an immense guilt inside…that i was failing.  i am wonder woman…i am supposed to be able to do everything!
i can handle anything.

but at that moment i felt so overwhelmed.  i felt like a soccer mom – without the kids.
i felt completely and utterly defeated – and damn tired.

but i keep that all in.  no room for complaining that i am tired, or stressed…overwhelmed…
who really wants to hear that?
i am not a whiner by nature.  i tough it out.  i am strong like bull.

so i sat there in my guilt.  i have a Greek mother (sorry ma) i was groomed to feel guilt over everything.
if you sat me down and told me world hunger was actually my doing…i would guarantee you i’d feel guilty about that too!!

i just have no time – and my body finally let me process that.
i can’t remember the last time i sat down and was able to pay attention to one of my favourite shows on tv.
i used to watch Criminal Minds in bed before i fell asleep…and now i can’t get through 10 minutes of it.
i am just so damn tired.

so what did i do?
what any sensible girl would do.
i cried over my steamed broccoli – and analyzed every single aspect of my life and fed my enormous guilt with my tears.
i had a pity party for one…and then stopped.

took the puppy to the dog park and got lots of love from puppies which made me feel worlds better.
i mean what heart would not melt from puppy kisses???

oh…and i feel better today.
i felt better right after i ate…i suppose i was crazy hungry.

oh and in case you are even questioning…i still am wonder woman.
i will always kick serious ass.
i am sure even wonder woman breaks down now and then.

self portrait

and if you care at all…this is what my horoscope says today:

Be more realistic about what you can do. You might be a bit overly sensitive about what you are offering in a situation. Everyone feels limited at times. Don’t push so hard right now. Tonight: Let someone else treat.

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stress eating

i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

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we’ve all experienced it.

staying with a lover long after the love has gone
maintaining a friendship that no longer serves you
eating something not on plan and then feeling horrible afterwards…
all in the name of guilt.

when i was younger i used to tell my mom that when i was born
they must have handed her the mother’s guilt manual
and it must have been her bible.
it takes one look, or 3-4 words strung together to make me feel guilty as sin..to this day.
she’s got a way about her.

i have been struggling with huge guilt this week
Mamma’s guilt.
i am aware that i do not have any children of the human variety
but my furbabies are like my babies…and i love them.

the puppy has been on her own during the day this week
she has never been alone for a long period of time
i don’t have the money to take her to doggie day care
and so it is what it is.
she is just a baby…and it makes me feel so very guilty to have her go from never being alone
to being alone all day.
i sit at my desk with knots in my stomach all day…wondering what kind of mischief she is getting in to…what spot she has decided to relieve her little baby bladder on etc etc.

the first day (which i captured on video)
i sat outside my door for a few minutes, afraid to open it.  i was afraid of what i would find
i walked in…and she was a perfect angel.  no accidents…and my couch was still in tact
this went on for 3 days.

yesterday her resentment took over…and i came home to several pees.
oy vay.
not impressed.

but i can’t get mad.  it really isn’t her fault.
although she has been completely house trained since 5 months old (yes i am bragging)
i need to understand that the changes happening in my life…are also happening in hers.

i also go to the gym 3 times a week…which adds to my guilt.
i race home from work…i take her for a walk…and then i abandon her again for another almost 2 hours.
i feel like a terrible mamma.
i try to make up for it with treats and a lot of cuddle love time.

but guilt can be a good thing…a motivator
yesterday…being a day off from the gym
i threw on my work out pants…a sweatshirt…threw my hair back in a pony and brought out my Skechers that were retired for the winter.
we went for a 45 minute walk!
not too shabby for a day off of working out…and she very much enjoyed the sunshine and cool breeze.
i felt like a better mommy for it…and burned some calories
i also had my ego stroked as the boys whistled and honked at me as they drove by.
i still got it kids…lol
or they just thought the puppy was super cute 🙂

i won’t even talk about my dinner date last night
i am feeling waaaaay too guilty over the things i consumed
i will work it all out at the gym tonight…

sometimes…guilt can be a good thing

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