Tag Archives: goals

self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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real life looks like…real life

after a week of not working out
i was going a little stir crazy
by a little…i mean a lot

it was weighing me down

i was feeling sad and defeated

i had the energy
but i didn’t have a willing body

so today…i decided was the day
regardless of how my ankle felt…it was time to give it a try

i wrapped it up
threw on some socks – and my fancy runners

(i always work out barefoot at home – so this was quite the adjustment)

but i did it

an hour and a half work out

and i felt like a million bucks

my ankle was not too impressed with me – but i iced it afterwards…and kept it elevated

i’ll be damned if i let it stop me now

so baby – i’m back (i think – ask me tomorrow)

just recently, my sister in law and i were discussing the art of the “selfie”

i get selfies, i really do
but they take a lot of work. you know, the right amount of make up – lighting – at least 100 practice shots before you even post the real thing
a million different filters so you look 20 years younger

so what about real life selfies?

so that is exactly what we did
sent eachother real life selfies
no filters
just real life

you know…while cooking dinner
doing laundry
washing the floors

real life

i won’t post hers here
but my god – they are funny

so i decided to send her a couple today

this one was titled:
“the seductive, sweaty hour and a half cardio afterglow”

seductive

and this one was:

“this sprained ankle’s got nothing on me bitches”

bitches

lol

real life
no filters

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no rest for the weary

in my new found love for working out
i allow myself two rest days a week

i think 5 days a week is good enough

sunday is my dedicated day of rest
just a day for myself
to do whatever i want – which normally would never ever include me willingly wanting to work out

i slept in this morning
woke up and had my coffee
caught up on line
and then it happened

i wanted to work out

what?

i’ve become addicted to the latest workout by Shaun T
Cize

if you haven’t heard about it you need to google it now!!
(go on, i’ll wait)

basically he teaches you dance moves and at the end of it all you rock out your new routine to a popular song

i got stuck on a certain level – couldn’t quite get the moves down
so now i was challenged.

so – ya
i worked out for an hour and 20 minutes all before lunch

i nailed all the dance moves
and punched myself in the face – i couldn’t make that up if i tried
i am a white girl with zero rhythm – and very accident prone

i hit my 10000 goal step before lunch!

sunday fitbit

i love that my body is remembering how much it loves exercising

i also think that my brain might be in a bit of panic mode
ya know, bikini time is right around the corner

my day wasn’t restful – but i loved every sweaty minute of it

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my mojo

i’ve been trying… for a very long time
to find my mojo

to find the thing that makes me want to be a better version of myself

it sounds pretty simple

you want to be a better version of you?

ok – so do something about it

i mean on paper it all adds up

but to put in to action – a whole other story

but the thing is
i know exactly what i need to do

and i constantly do the very opposite

i didn’t so much make a new years resolution
but i set up goals for myself

this year, i decided that as much as finances would allow
i wanted to travel
i wanted to see parts of the world i have never seen – and revisit places that made me feel whole

and i wanted to travel solo
facing my fears and seeing the world

so three weeks ago i decided on my first destination

one that is going to require me to be in a bikini for 2 weeks

i am just waiting for work to approve my time off
then i am going to book my flight

nothing gets you more motivated than that!

it’s been 3 weeks and i already feel the difference in me

clothes are fitting looser
“bad” foods aren’t even a thought

and i have 5 months to rock a bikini

i have finally found my mojo

who knew
it was hiding
in a bikini?

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she’s no longer the one

she’s on her way!!!

Fitbit_Charge_Wearable-29

yes. i did it. i’ve been eyeing this baby for a long time
and finally decided to do it

but don’t you have a fit bit you ask?

yes

yes i do.

i bought it a couple of years ago…and it still works perfectly fine

but lately our relationship has changed

i am not sure why but it has

twice now
i have had a pretty serious injury from this fit bit

no – nothing life threatening

just a little painful

i have the fitbit “one”

i tuck it neatly in to my bra and go about my day

twice now, when i get home and get undressed
somehow the skin on my boob comes off with the bra – attached to the “one”
(oh god the pain!!!!!!!!!)

i have a scar from the first time
and a nice red scab currently from this last time

i bought the “one”
because i could wear it and no one could see it
it was discreet
but now
now
she’s not the one

no one messes with the girls
and gets away with it!

the charge should be here in a few days

i feel like a kid waiting for Christmas 🙂

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only me

so i gave my body two full days of rest
and decided to test out these legs of mine on day 3

i decided i would walk to a restaurant where i was meeting friends for dinner
it was only 2.5 km’s away
if i was in pain, i could always get a lift home

i am happy to say
no pain at all. i was able to put in two good walks over the weekend
so i have no idea what those shin splints were about

crazy time has started at work again
and i am trying to find ways to keep moving
that’s hard when you have a desk job
and work 12-14-16 hours a day

today i left the house at 6
by the time i got in and changed and ready to relax it was after 9pm
where do i find the motivation to work out
when i just want to stop drop and roll?

but this is the reality of my life
about a week of normalcy and then 3 weeks of utter craziness

it’s just my new normal
and won’t change until they hire someone to help pick up the extra load

i may be wonder woman
but i can’t do this much longer
it’s exhausting, and i have no time to myself. to take care of myself etc

january cannot come soon enough

and now for the TMI portion of the evening

my fitbit is trying to kill me

i have the fitbit one
and it clips nicely and discreetly to my bra
i just put it in the centre and off i go

i guess the other day
i tucked it in more to the left side
snug as a bug
lol

when i got home that night
and got undressed
i felt something wet on my leg

it was blood

not sure what happened
but i think the placement of the fitbit
caused a HUGE blister
smack dab on one of the girls
and when i whipped off the bra
apparently i ripped off the skin
a lot of it

and that’s the story of my fitbit trying to kill me

this is no surprise
if anything weird can happen to me
it will

and it did

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injured

yup
it’s true

i’m an injured bee

i am not sure what happened
but an old injury has decided to come up and bite me in the ass

if you have read my blog
you will know
that i quit running after i got hit by a car
(actually a couple of cars but whose counting)

so many years later i picked up running again
to find myself far away from home
with debilitating pain in my shins

shin splints

they are not for the weak

so i researched how to treat this and was doing well
and then i sprained my ankle and was out of commission for a good year – no joke

since the weather has been unusually nice in my parts
i have been loving getting outdoors for long walks

at first my shins would hurt for the first 10-15 min
and then the pain would disappear
the other night i did a 5k – at a slower pace than usual
because my shins hurt pretty much until i got back home

it was an excruciating walk

i wondered if it could be my shoes
but they are new – and i was fitted for them
so it can’t be that

i guess this old injury has reared it’s nasty head
and that my friends
makes for a very sad bee.

they don’t hurt at all when i am walking casually
it’s just when i pick up my pace
and any slight incline is enough to make me cry

they recommend
not walking for 6-8 WEEKS!
WHAT!!!!!

i cannot do that
but if i don’t do that – i apparently will make it worse
so what am i to do?

my body is literally itching
to get my runners on and go go go
but i don’t know if i should

and really why bother
if i can only go at a normal non sweaty pace?

*insert big fat dramatic sigh here*

it really sucks
because i am going away in a month
and i figured – another month of exercising
may help me drop a couple of pounds
and make me feel a little bit more comfortable in my skin

oh well

i might throw in a Shaun T work out
and see how my legs handle that

woe is me

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learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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all a girl needs

is a brand new pair of sexy shoes

(my definition of sexy has changed as i have gotten older lol)

 

last May i went and got fitted for the perfect runners.

i took up running again after 20 years…and my 7 year old runners didn’t cut it

seems my body didn’t want to run as much as my brain wanted to
i had some bad shin splintsi mean crying kinda bad.

so i went and bought a beautiful pair of runners.

170 bucks later…i hit the pavement

my legs felt better…but i will still in a lot of pain.

i got to wear them twice…and then life happened.

i was in the middle of buying a house, packing…moving

all that fun stuff.

once i got settled in to the new house…
i sprained my ankle.  badly.

i gave up on the idea of running…never mind running.  i couldn’t even walk.

almost a year later…and my ankle is still not right.

anyway

once i moved….
my shoes were nowhere to be found
actually…a whole box of shoes…were missing.
somehow they got lost in the move…
just one box.
of course the box with all my most favourite shoes.
you know, the hoochie mamma shoes, work shoes
and these beautiful running shoes i just bought.

i was soooooo very sad.

for my birthday in December, a couple of my wonderful friends got me a gift card
so i could buy a pair of the shoes i lost.i was sooooo happy 🙂

4 months later…i went and purchased said shoes.

they were last years shoe…and so they were almost 50% off.

i bought my new pair of shoes for $1.70.

seriously…it can’t get better than that.

so now i have the shoes

i just need my legs to work
🙂
thank you lovely friends for the gift card!
and here are the sexy beasts
shoes

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decisions, decisions

my life has changed a lot in the past few months.
to actually tell you how it’s changed?  well i can’t. lol

i am not too sure what has changed, or why suddenly it feels like i have no time to myself.

i am pretty much go-go-go until the dinner dishes are washed – which is normally well after 7.

by the time i am able to sit and chill – it’s after 8.

by then – i am just dead.  absolutely exhausted.

it also seems that that is the only window of opportunity i have to go to the gym.

right after work just doesn’t fit into my life anymore.
i have too much to do and not enough time to do it.

believe me, i’ve looked at different scenarios – and nothing seems to fit.

so i am debating whether i should quit the gym.

for the past few months all i’ve done is pay them.

i could go after 8 – but by that point i’ve checked out…i am so completely done with the day.

i can’t even imagine willingly getting on a cardio machine.

but it seems like that is my only option and one that i am not overly thrilled about.

oh – i know there’s the morning…but i can’t even get out of bed on time for work, never mind waking up at 5 to work out.
it just doesn’t work in my life.  me and the morning are not friends.
there is no point in denying that i am just not a morning person.

and so – what to do what to do?  do i just cancel the gym – or kick myself in the ass and go after 8?

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