Tag Archives: food issues

learning lessons

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i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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what’s shakin’

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it’s been 14 days of clean eating.  i mean spotless, by the book clean.
there were the 2 onion rings yesterday…but i was forced to eat them…yeah that’s right.  i had no choice 😉

the first couple of days were rough.  i was cranky and unhappy.  after that – smooth sailing.
the same thing always happens when i fall off plan.  i dread going back on it – and then when i am actually on it – i cannot wrap my head around why i even stopped.

i make sure i do alot of prep the night before.  i make sure i have enough to snack on during the day so i don’t crave crap.
it’s expensive this eating healthy thing – but again, worth it.
and my dinners are planned for the week.  it keeps me on track – who knew i’d have a dinner schedule!

i pulled out my capri’s this morning.  i haven’t worn them since last summer – so i was really afraid that they would not fit.
they fit 🙂
they got stuck at my thunder thighs (every pair of pants gets stuck on my thighs – again – thanks mom)
but they fit.

I’ve noticed a difference in me even in the 2 weeks.  like, instead of looking 6 months pregnant, i am looking a comfortable 3. lol
had i not started eating healthy again these pants would have zero hope of fitting.

I have yet to do my Zumba on the wii.  My wii was not working 😦
i was sad about that.
anyways – it was fixed last night and i am ready to go as soon as i get home.
i put it on last night and just watched from the couch – for one song…
i was getting into the music and it seems that just by moving my body a little – i was able to burn 23 calories lmao
too funny.
but yes – i can’t wait.

the gym called me the other day. it was a lady i have never spoken to – never seen – who knows, maybe she is new.
anyways she called to tell me she missed me.
awwww that just warmed my itty bitty heart!
she doesn’t even know me but she misses me.  how sweet.
it’s not my money they are missing cause they still get that – so i don’t know what their angle is.
hmmm – can you tell i don’t trust gyms?
don’t worry my little gym – i plan on returning to you.

i haven’t had a glass of wine in 2 weeks.  i think i will celebrate tomorrow by pouring myself a nice glass of red and sit outside and enjoy the night sky.

and that my friends is what’s new in the healthy world of me!

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when one door closes

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it’s been a rough couple of months on the whole be a better bee thing.

there has been no diet to speak of – no real physical activity other than an odd Zumba class or dog walking (although the dog walk is an hour speed walk)

my days have consisted of eating whatever it was that i craved and sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.
it was working for a while. i mean i saw the weight creeping up a little bit but not enough to make me change.

then i saw my mom’s ass in my mirror – and well – feeling sorry for myself ended pretty damn fast
(no offense to my ma – she’s a good looking lady, believe me, it’s just that my ass was never intended to be that shape)

Anyways – today is day two of super duper clean eating.  I was a little cranky about it all yesterday…but i figure i have two options.
eat what i want and cry about all the weight i am gaining….
or suck it up and eat clean and feel better about myself and look better.

where was this mind set two months ago??

so i contacted my Zumba instructor and told her i was coming this week – only to find out that this Friday is her last class.
boo.
say it ain’t so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what oh what am i going to do without her?

so yeah – i was pretty bummed out.  ok, big time bummed out.

until

i was told that there is a Zumba Fit for wii!  how did i not know this?????

i told LB my sad story – no more Zumba for me but there is a wii game for it…and i was presented with my brand spanking wii game last night!

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

sorry i got carried away lol

so – i am gonna get my Zumba on tonight.  i cannot wait!!

i mean it’s not the same as going to the class my instructor taught…but at least i have the option.

i am totally bringing sexy back.

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i’m a loser

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and it feels good!!

after about a month of being on track – and as healthy as i can be…
i feel i can breathe a little better.

my clothes are fitting right once again…i don’t feel like a bloated fat mess anymore
i feel like me again
thank god.

i was on a very slippery slope a couple of months back
diving right back into my old patterns, my old behaviours
the only difference this time is – i stopped it – quickly.

i could have sat in that space – and made up excuse after excuse why i just couldn’t do it anymore
fall into that old familiar cycle.
you know the one.  you get depressed – so you eat.  it feels good at the time – and then you get depressed cause you are gaining weight – so you eat to feed the depression.
a merry go round of destructive behaviour.

bullshit
it’s all bullshit.
i can talk myself out of anything…or into anything
call it a gift…
so i went the extra mile and talked myself back to where i needed to be…
and today i am so happy i did.

i am back baby.
true – the gym has been a little sporadic lately.  i am still going but not as often as i’d like.
i am a busy girl and i think i just set my expectations too high.  it’s that go big or go home attitude.
i can’t be at the gym every day.  it’s just no feasible.
i can’t be everywhere at once…and so i needed to slow things down.
that’s ok.  i go when i go.  at least i go.

so today i walked into the office…and my bff brought me a gift
a sinful gift at that
a chai latte from Starbucks.  oh mah gawd.
i probably haven’t had a chai latte in well over a year.

when i woke up this morning i was debating what was more important to get done today
laundry or the gym?
laundry was winning the race until the chai latte

tonight it’s the gym….
because i am on a losing streak kids…i am getting rid of those stupid summer pounds…
i am a loser and i love it!

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sensitive

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that’s how i’m feeling.

alot’s gone down these past few days and i am just left feeling a little raw and perhaps needy?
no, needy is not the word
sensitive. definitely sensitive.

i am analyzing every little thing said to me…and taking offense to things i shouldn’t be i am sure.
i am ultra sensitive…and i dislike feeling this way.

i wasn’t going to post here – but it’s got pretty much everything to do with my health…so it seems appropriate.

i’ve made some changes to my personal life lately.
well, i was forced into making these changes, and ultimately it is the best thing for me.
and i am ok with the changes ahead of me.

after all, life is about change.

but i still feel sensitive…

getting up to go to the gym today was a struggle.  it seems it has been lately yes?
perhaps my body knew all along what my mind was not ready to register.
who knows

i want to revert back to old behaviours…because they are old and comfortable
like a childhood blankie…or a hug from my mom.

i want to run to the corner store and grab a bag of dill pickle chips and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

at least i have enough mind power to understand that although these are comforting foods for the moment
they are anything but comforting afterwards.

i am grateful for my willpower these days.

inhale and exhale.

everything’s gonna be alright.

everything’s gonna be better in 2 days when i am officially on vacay.
there, that totally put a smile on my face.

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food for thought

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so i’ve noticed a pattern in me.

it is one i am debating cutting out actually…but not sure if i want to!!

these past few weeks – i have been allowing myself to eat whatever i want on the weekends.
i figure that i am working out…and have been eating clean for so long
that i can afford the luxury.

i find that it does take away any desire to “cheat” during the week
and i eat on plan for the week.

i haven’t seen any weight creep on…but i certainly haven’t seen any creep off.
although i am not in this for the weight loss per say…let’s face it…i could still lose another 5-10 pounds.
i am not achieving that by eating high carb foods on the weekend i am sure

never mind what it is doing to me inside.  i am sure i am confusing my body…it doesn’t know what’s going on.

my vacation is just around the corner…and i do not want to commit myself to a strict diet…
i will be on vacation and want to play and indulge a bit i am sure.
not that i am using that as an excuse to stray off plan – i just want to give myself some leniency.

i will be wearing a bathing suit – you would think that would be enough to throw me back in check…but alas it does not. lol

i am going to revisit this after my vacation.  maybe i need to do my low carb hard core again.

just rambling out loud – cause it’s what i do! lol

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creeeeepy

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so i already knew what i was gonna post tomorrow.

like i said a couple of posts ago…i am getting alot of quotes coming my way.

there was one that spoke to me but i didn’t want to overwhelm you guys so i thought i’d post them one at a time.

tonight i was checking email and facebook…and one of my groups – Couch to 5k posted the exact quote i’ve been holding on to for days.
so i thought i wouldn’t wait until the morning and share it with you now.

creepy the way things happen…the way the universe speaks to you.

good night friends 🙂

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eating disorder?

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do you think a tv advertisement could trigger an eating disorder?

i read an article on yahoo today.  a commercial was pulled from tv because they were worried that it may “trigger” an eating disorder.

i am not too sure how i feel about this.

here is the commercial:

personally…i found it rather amusing.  the way the lady is justifying eating a piece of cheesecake.
don’t we all do that???

i know that if i eat something a little to rich or sweet…something that is not typically on my diet…i have conversations with myself…
if i eat this i need to go to the gym regardless if it’s my day off, if i eat this i need 15 more minutes on the elliptical.
etc etc etc.

i assure you i do not have an eating disorder.

my head is still too jumbled up to be clear on this…so what say you?  what do you think of the commercial?

Here is the article i read on yahoo.  click here to read.

please feel free to discuss!

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stress eating

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i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.
completely.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

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