Tag Archives: feelings

self image – self love

so
my vacation is almost here

i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago

these past 6 months have been trying

6 months

and trying is really an understatement

i’ve been relatively “good”

by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there

it’s been a struggle

i’ve had many breakdowns

just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror

years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes

this time around – i’ve dropped 1

one

how discouraging

how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”

it’s been beyond discouraging

and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself

and then

i said FUCK IT

i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit

i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit

how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece

i see now how ridiculous this sounds

i am not obese
i am actually petite

but it’s just never good enough is it?

i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight –  you know

and i realized something

i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect

get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it

i would grab sizes way too big

for example

i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest

but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me

and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large

only to end up buying the “small”

i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was

i am far from perfect

i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs

that doesn’t make me fat

it makes me a woman

a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman

and i am going to rock that damn bikini

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learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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finding myself

umm hi
remember me?

i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss

let me tell you something.

i’ve been lost.
so very lost

i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.

i’ve had good intentions.  honestly.

but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.

alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.

i’ve been through some serious life changes.  lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.

it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.

i’ve maintained pretty well considering.

obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.

let me tell you something.  just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.

it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.

i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.

how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?

*sigh*

it’s true…my time is limited.  i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.

i have motivation – somewhere in there

i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.

and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.

i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.

i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.

it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.

it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.

besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.

truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again

i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.

i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.

i just need help.

just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…

if i don’t – evil wins

and i am better than that

better than them.

help me find my mojo?


//

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the plan is – there is no plan

that’s where things are at these days.

i haven’t written lately, because there hasn’t been much to write about…in terms of low carb and working out that is.

i have been off track.  maybe off track isn’t the right term…i’ve completely derailed in my journey to a smaller bee.

with Christmas, and then being sick, to other things, time has flown by and i cannot believe i am in to March and still trying to find my groove.

i have not been low carbing. i have also not been high carbing.
lately it’s been simple.  i eat what i crave, what i feel will nourish my soul – and not so much my body.

you would be surprised at the things i crave – and i mean insanely crave.
i crave fruit, orange juice, whole grain bread.
and then more fruit..
and again more fruit.

i crave salads and veggies and then some more fruit
and chicken salad wraps –  whole wheat.
i crave soups in a big way too.

no it’s not always that healthy.  i won’t tell you about the pizza i ate at 10 pm the other night
or what about all the Ben and Jerry’s I ate when i was sick.

i also won’t tell you how natural and good it feels.

it’s not like i’ve completely strayed, but i have definitely allowed foods back into my life that i put on the deny list years ago.

i’ve come to a few realizations.

since upping my carbs – my headaches have decreased tremendously.
i am barely getting them anymore.
that in itself is a god send to me.

i’ve also realized that the foods i crave, still affect my body in a negative way
and sometimes i wonder if it’s worth it.
but it does pass…and before long i am feeling ok again.
and i have realized that this is just how my body is wired…and always will be.

i’ve also realized that since December, i haven’t gained much weight if any at all…
my clothes all fit – and i am still battling the same bulge i was in December.

i haven’t been to the gym in a month – and although there has been a little bit of self anger, i am really not feeling as bad as i thought i would.
the gym is not off the table.  i plan on getting back to the swing of things this week.

i figure if i work out 3-4 times a week – maintain myself as i am (well i still want to lose the holiday pounds) i will be just fine.

i realized a few extra pounds on my body does not make me unworthy or less beautiful.

i realized i put too much stress on myself by feeling like i was always disappointing myself – and others.

but the biggest thing i have realized.  sometimes the soul needs more nourishment than the body
that if your soul is broken, your body is too.

right now i am concentrating on my soul.
feeding it and nourishing that part of myself.
my soul needs more care than my body right now…

and so the plan is – there is no plan.

the plan is simple.

the plan is to take care of me – whatever that may entail.

where this leads in terms of “diet” – i have no idea.  but for now, i am ok with that.



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who stole my rhythm?

ok, so i never had any to begin with.

it’s been confirmed.

i have no rhythm.  this white girl cannot dance.  not even a bit.

i went to Zumba the other night and tried to follow all the gyrating moves…and really – i just looked ridiculous.
how do i know?
it could have something to do with the wall to wall mirrors.

if anything induces panic – it’s watching yourself jump around like a mad fool – and watch your body parts follow seconds later.

so not hot.

my instructor moves with ease.  She’s Brazilian so it makes sense…but some of those moves she does so naturally with her hips seem like they should be illegal.
my hips were not born to move that way
i am not Shakira.

i have got no rhythm, but i don’t care.

i am going to keep going – cause it’s so much fun and doesn’t even feel like exercise.

i just hope more women with zero rhythm show up and keep me company

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anxious

i am still alive…barely.

i’ve been knocked on my ass by an apparent sinus infection that is spreading to my chest.
it has not been fun.

i’ve been dealing with this for over a week now and am feeling anxious about all the time i have been missing at the gym – and not being able to get out there and be physical.

but i have zero energy.
even working from home has proved to be exhausting.

i am finally on antibiotics and i think they may be working, but they leave me so thirsty and light headed.
well it’s either the the antibiotics or the infection – i am not sure.

although i don’t have much of an appetite, the things i am eating are off plan.  i am trying not to get anxious over that because i think my body is craving these things to get better and heal.

i am overdosing on clementines and i have had comfort food like grilled cheeses (on multi grain bread) and of course some ben and jerry’s.

this makes me feel good – but anxious.

i try to be gentle with myself.  remind myself that there is tons of time for me to get to the gym and my Zumba classes once my body is healthy and strong.

for now i am taking care of it by listening to what it needs…and trying to get as much rest as i can.

as i rest and try to get better – my domestic stuff is falling by the wayside…and that makes me anxious too.

i really can’t afford to be sick.
but i am…
and i am trying not to feel so bloody anxious.

just wanted to stop by and let you all know that i am still alive…barely lol

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facing a fear and its name is Zumba

i’ve been meaning to blog about this for days now – but i have been busy and sick
poor me right?

i can do alot of things alone. i actually enjoy doing things alone.

i have no problem going to dinner, the movies, road trips on my own.
i once debated going to a resort on my own – just for the peace of mind – but a part of me thinks that might just be too much alone time.

when i was in college and money was tight – i would still treat myself to an over the top dinner at a restaurant on my own..about once a month.
i would sit there and sip on my wine and write.
i would over tip – because i found the experience and the quiet so amazingly wonderful.

apparently there are some things i think that i can’t do alone.
one was go to the gym.
it was imperative that i had someone to go with me – otherwise i knew that i would not go and it would be a waste of money.
as i’ve mentioned before over here – i used to have great anxiety over walking into a gym alone.

same goes for the Zumba class i wanted to go to.
i somehow felt more secure jumping around like an idiot if i had someone i knew doing it with me.

no one wanted to go with me.  so i had two choices.  either face my fear head on
or just not go.

so i put on my fat pants and sat on my couch – feeling guilty as every second passed by.

LB gave me a good talking to.  this is something i have wanted to do forever.  she told me i didn’t need anyone
she said i would come home and wonder why i didn’t do it sooner.

and so i went.

and oh my god – i loved it!!!!!!!

sure, i was scared. i was born with two left feet.  i can’t dance unless i’ve consumed alcoholic beverages
and i am sure even then i just think i can dance
but probably look like a big ol’ fool.

my instructor is amazing.  she made me feel ever so welcome and has all these crazy ass moves that i know my hips were never designed to do.
i didn’t care – when in doubt – jump around like a mad fool!!!!

i felt a little bad – cause i spent the hour just staring at her ass.
it made me feel like a pervert…
but i had no idea what i was doing – and apparently you gotta do alot with your ass in these classes.
and so i had to stare.
If you are reading this Suellen i am sorry 🙂

when i was done i felt amazing.  it was some great cardio – and i was sweating from head to toe!!

i drove home – which is 8 minutes away…and when i went to get out of my car i was already sore
uh-oh
that can’t be good.

that was Friday – it is now Tuesday and only today did i start walking like i wasn’t 80.
my body has never, ever hurt that bad.  ever.

that bad side to this – if there ever is a bad side…
i was so pumped up after my class – i was awake until 2am!!!!!!
guess i won’t be doing a Monday night class if i plan on working the next day

So i faced one of my fears – and i plan on going back for more.
i don’t need anyone to go with me – i am perfectly capable of making an ass out of myself in front of strangers and feel ok about it 🙂

i’ve come down with some crappy head cold – i am hoping it’s gone by Friday so i can go jump around
like a mad crazy ass fool!!

i have a new addiction.  Zumba rocks my socks!

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the universe said – let it go

i love the freedom working from home gives me.
i don’t do it often, but oh how i love it when i do.

today, when lunch time rolled around…i got into my work out clothes
and went to the gym and spent my half hour off – doing some cardio.

i loved it!!!!

when i got there, i forgot to take my sweatshirt off – i suppose because i was so cold

i see other people all bundled up working out and think to myself – my lord that person is going to die from the heat…how do they do it?!?!

but it was good!!!  i sweat more – and so i felt like i got more out if it.
it was great – and the place was a ghost town which is even better!
i got home – and went back to work.

it was a productive week.

now on to completely unrelated news…and a shout out to the universe:

as i was in my car today – i looked up and looked at an air freshener i’ve had for years – seriously – at least 5 years.
my ex had given to me it as a gift of some sort.

obviously it didn’t work as an air freshener for the longest time…but i loved it.
it is a little stiletto heel – and i have never been able to find one like it…
so i kept it – for its cuteness factor.
i have zero sentimental attachment to this thing…it’s just something i like to look at.

so as i was driving i was just wondering to myself if i should just throw it away
yeah it was cute – but it wasn’t anything i needed…and i don’t want to hold on to things that have no place in my life (like gifts from ex’s)

as i pondered this for a few minutes, i looked up at it – and literally in that exact moment
it fell off my rear view mirror and on the the floor.
the part that held it there completely disintegrated.

i guess i got my answer ehh?
another lesson in letting go.

i love me some universe!

hope you all have a great weekend – it’s going to be a good one!!!

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