Tag Archives: fears

facing a fear and its name is Zumba

i’ve been meaning to blog about this for days now – but i have been busy and sick
poor me right?

i can do alot of things alone. i actually enjoy doing things alone.

i have no problem going to dinner, the movies, road trips on my own.
i once debated going to a resort on my own – just for the peace of mind – but a part of me thinks that might just be too much alone time.

when i was in college and money was tight – i would still treat myself to an over the top dinner at a restaurant on my own..about once a month.
i would sit there and sip on my wine and write.
i would over tip – because i found the experience and the quiet so amazingly wonderful.

apparently there are some things i think that i can’t do alone.
one was go to the gym.
it was imperative that i had someone to go with me – otherwise i knew that i would not go and it would be a waste of money.
as i’ve mentioned before over here – i used to have great anxiety over walking into a gym alone.

same goes for the Zumba class i wanted to go to.
i somehow felt more secure jumping around like an idiot if i had someone i knew doing it with me.

no one wanted to go with me.  so i had two choices.  either face my fear head on
or just not go.

so i put on my fat pants and sat on my couch – feeling guilty as every second passed by.

LB gave me a good talking to.  this is something i have wanted to do forever.  she told me i didn’t need anyone
she said i would come home and wonder why i didn’t do it sooner.

and so i went.

and oh my god – i loved it!!!!!!!

sure, i was scared. i was born with two left feet.  i can’t dance unless i’ve consumed alcoholic beverages
and i am sure even then i just think i can dance
but probably look like a big ol’ fool.

my instructor is amazing.  she made me feel ever so welcome and has all these crazy ass moves that i know my hips were never designed to do.
i didn’t care – when in doubt – jump around like a mad fool!!!!

i felt a little bad – cause i spent the hour just staring at her ass.
it made me feel like a pervert…
but i had no idea what i was doing – and apparently you gotta do alot with your ass in these classes.
and so i had to stare.
If you are reading this Suellen i am sorry 🙂

when i was done i felt amazing.  it was some great cardio – and i was sweating from head to toe!!

i drove home – which is 8 minutes away…and when i went to get out of my car i was already sore
uh-oh
that can’t be good.

that was Friday – it is now Tuesday and only today did i start walking like i wasn’t 80.
my body has never, ever hurt that bad.  ever.

that bad side to this – if there ever is a bad side…
i was so pumped up after my class – i was awake until 2am!!!!!!
guess i won’t be doing a Monday night class if i plan on working the next day

So i faced one of my fears – and i plan on going back for more.
i don’t need anyone to go with me – i am perfectly capable of making an ass out of myself in front of strangers and feel ok about it 🙂

i’ve come down with some crappy head cold – i am hoping it’s gone by Friday so i can go jump around
like a mad crazy ass fool!!

i have a new addiction.  Zumba rocks my socks!

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facing my fears – part one

Have i ever started off a blog with a quote?  well i am now.  i read this the other day and it really spoke to me…

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear – Mark Twain

So…you are all very well aware of my fears – since i have blogged about them recently 🙂

what does someone do when they have such an intense, real, panicky fear of getting on a bike???

well if you are the bee….you buy a bike.

Please meet the bike that is still nameless.  i am still working on her name: (i am open to suggestions)

she is nothing special…not expensive or overly fancy.  she is simple and yet beautiful…just like moi
lol

what inspired this?  honestly….this blog.

i realized how very afraid i was of getting on a bike, that i thought the only logical thing to do was face my fear head on.
i got sad thinking of all the things i could potentially be missing out on…and so i made the decision that it had to stop.

so it starts with the bike.  once i have let go of the extreme fear of the bike…maybe the running will come next?
who knows…and really…who cares! the point is I HAVE A BIKE!!!!!!

weather permitting i will be spending alot of time with her this weekend 🙂

i even bought a helmet.  i almost peed myself from laughing so hard, but lets face it…i look good in anything
LOL

i was talking to some people who were telling me that no, helmets are not law for adults, but i do require a bell or a horn…even for the trails.
how is an average non biker chick like me supposed to know these things???  i guess i will have to google my city and it’s bike laws to get the 411.

wish me luck.  if it all works in my favour i will fill you in on my first real bike ride.

maybe one day soon i will have a “part two” of facing my fears…maybe 🙂

yay me!!!!!

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truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…

sooooo

in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!
lol

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
anyways…
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
anyways.
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

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grief and facing my fears

my mind is busy so there is no telling where this blog is going…i warn you it may be long.

i went for my first solo walk last night, i can’t remember the last time i did that.
i mapped out my route in my head and figured i would be walking an hour.  i was pretty bang on.  i walked for 55 min.
where i was hugely off was what my pedometer would read when i was done.  i thought it would be no effort hitting 10,000 steps…i hit just under 6000.
i’ll try not to beat myself up too much…at least that gives me something to aim for next time.
so i am not too sure how i did, meaning how many calories i burned etc…but i do know that i felt amazing when i got back home…for several reasons.

something has changed in me since i took my solo trip this summer.  like something clicked inside me and finally made me realize that life is short…and that the time i have is precious.  i mean you always “know” this…but this feeling within me…it was like a new turning point.  that’s the only way i can explain it.  i just want to live.  i don’t want to be stagnant.  ever.

Many moons ago…in my first year of college, i was walking home from work and was grabbed from behind.  i didn’t see it coming.  this guys hands were struggling with my pants…
i always walked home from work with my pepper spray in hand.  i felt safe that way.  people called me paranoid.  i guess i wasn’t so paranoid after all.
i managed to spray him in the face and got away.
and so began a slow growing fear of walking alone.  as long as i had the pepper spray i still felt safe.  once that was gone…so was my security.
the older i got…the more my fears manifested…into these ugly…things…that governed how i lived my life.

not any more.  i refuse to feel caged.  and so i went.  by myself.
i won’t lie.  my anxiety was high.  i had my cell phone and my house keys between my fingers.  i was overly aware of my surroundings.  i went against my whole character and made zero eye contact with anyone who passed me by.  i did not want to encourage conversation and i certainly did not want any attention brought to me.
i was out there to get some exercise…and i was out there to reclaim my life.
i did it.
i kept a quick pace for these little legs of mine.  i only stopped at major intersections for red lights…and of course when i saw the cutest little bunny ever.
how could i not stop!
i tried to befriend him…but he was a little tease…letting me get close and then hopping far enough away where i couldn’t touch him.
good thing i guess.  had he paid me an ounce of attention i probably woulda tucked him in my pocket and taken him home.

my mind is always on…never off.  taking a walk gave me lots of time to think of a million things.
mostly my mamma.
i put her down 3 weeks ago yesterday.  i miss her so much.  the house is so quiet.
to some people…grief over an animal is a hard thing to grasp.  and so i keep my grief to myself…because it feels like i should have been over it…oh a couple of days after it happened.
but i’m not.  16 years of having her in my life.  of course a part of me feels empty.
god i miss her.
i don’t need a therapist to tell me that i have been keeping so busy so i don’t have a moment to sit still and feel that pain.  i get that.
i am keeping busy…doing the things i enjoy…and actually enjoying those moments…alot.  like i said…this has been the best summer of my life.
but i guess i am just not ready to sit still.
and that’s ok.

cause i wanna walk…i wanna reclaim…i wanna live.  and i’d like to think she’d want that for me too.

and so that’s my story.

i went for a walk last night.  by myself.
Might not seem like a big deal to anyone else…but for me…
i feel like i conquered the world…and i guess i kinda sorta did.


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