Tag Archives: fear

i chickened out

soooo
i sent an email to the Zumba instructor telling her that i couldn’t make it for tomorrow night.
i did however mention that i was very interested and if she could offer me a different night…i would love to come.

i didn’t lie lie.
perhaps just a little white one.

i really am not available to go tomorrow night.  why you might ask?
my anxiety about doing this is through the roof.
i mean palms are sweating, heart is racing…i feel shaky and sick to my stomach.
and this is something i’ve been dying to do for over a year.

i am telling you – that first gym i joined back in the stone ages really did a number on me.
that is why i am still amazed to this day that i can go to my current gym on my own.
don’t let me fool you…there are days i walk in there and i feel sick…and sometimes it takes everything i have not to walk outta there…
but i don’t.

these are the things i don’t divulge on my blog – which maybe i should – because maybe someone will tell me i am not alone.
because i really feel alone in this anxiety.

i don’t know if i mentioned my first ever gym experience.
i would walk past it in a hurried pace, and even manage to have full blown panic attacks.  back in the day it was more often than not that i would experience panic attacks
the gym was full of higher up management, who wore the best of the best and applied fresh make up for their workouts.
they would eye you up and down – and especially liked to look at you when you were naked – getting changed into your lower class work out gear.
it was horrible.  the whispers, the smirks.
thank god i had a huge crush on someone at the gym – because that’s all that got me to go there as much as i did.
as i probably don’t need to mention to you – i stopped going.  i kept paying but i stopped going.

I have accomplished much in terms of my anxiety when it comes to all things gym related
i mean i actually go to a gym…hello.  i don’t think people pay attention to me there…and that’s what i like.
i get on a bike or an elliptical – and use a quiet room for weights – which i should also mention – if there are too many women in the room i don’t do the weights.
yes, my anxiety still exists.

Zumba is a whole other ball of wax.  You are putting a woman who has no rhythm in a dance type kind of class.
i have zero rhythm people.  other than chair dancing but of course – or when i’ve had a few drinks i really believe i have a crap load of rhythm!!

i digress.

i am not giving up.  i just need time.
i sent off the email cancelling tomorrow night with the intention of going to the next class.  and i will.
i just chickened out.
and now i think i just feel worse.

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i did it!

today was the day…

bike riding day 🙂

i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go…i managed to burn myself to a complete crisp yesterday.
i dunno what kind of Greek i am…
but my poor body is so sore
i wasn’t sun kissed…i was punched in the face.
one hour – and my poor belly is in complete pain

anyways…it was a hot humid day in the city…but that didn’t stop me.

i got on the bike and was a little scared…the first 5-10 minutes were a little frightening…it has been 20 years you know
but…after that…i was in love!!!!!
i remembered in that moment, the freedom i used to feel on a bike…
the breeze cooling me down…the racing heart
it was awesome.
i didn’t fall, get hit by a random car…die. lol

i broke out in a lovely sweat…and i realized today how much working out has increased my stamina
i could have kept going
but i didn’t want to push it or get ahead of myself.

weather permitting…i will be on that bike again tomorrow

quiet side streets and trails aren’t scary at all…

i feel like a new woman 🙂

i think it’s time to celebrate.  i am off tonight for a good ol’ time
i am way over due

hope your weekend was as perfect as mine.

seriously…i can’t believe this is my life!

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a whole new world

in terms of numbers on a scale
i have entered a whole new world.
a new set of 10’s i like to call it.
i passed a threshold and i am ecstatic!!

i had mentioned a couple of months ago that i decided to start using the scale to my advantage
and use it as a tool.
i crunched some numbers, did some research and decided there was a number that i was comfortable being…
if of course i had to be a number.

anyways, this morning i decided to weigh in
i haven’t weighed myself since before christmas…and the number was not disappointing then.

when i went for my personal assessment at the gym…she weighed me and even then the number was good.
i factored in that it was late in the day…i was wearing heavy shoes…etc

so like i said…i weighed myself this morning…and i am in a whole new world of numbers
the last time i owned a scale was a long, long time ago…but i really don’t think the scale has shown these digits since my early 20’s!!

this is crazy!

so as far as numbers go…i am 4 pounds away from my goal weight.
4 pounds people!!!!!!

i won’t be down 4 pounds for my 1 year anniversary of low carbing, i just don’t think losing 4 pounds in 4 weeks is possible…but then again i never thought i would be where i am either!
i really don’t care what the scale says when March hits…as long as it doesn’t go up!
it’s 4 pounds…and i am in no rush to lose them.

with my mom needing emergency surgery, i am just a ball of nerves
and i could totally eat myself out of house and home
or just not eat at all…
stress is funny like that…but i wrote about that next door…and i’ll just leave it there…where it belongs.
unless of course you are the praying type and care to throw a prayer out there for her…that would be cool and appreciated.

anywhooo…4 pounds baby…4pounds!!

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