Tag Archives: emotions

i did it!

today was the day…

bike riding day 🙂

i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go…i managed to burn myself to a complete crisp yesterday.
i dunno what kind of Greek i am…
but my poor body is so sore
i wasn’t sun kissed…i was punched in the face.
one hour – and my poor belly is in complete pain

anyways…it was a hot humid day in the city…but that didn’t stop me.

i got on the bike and was a little scared…the first 5-10 minutes were a little frightening…it has been 20 years you know
but…after that…i was in love!!!!!
i remembered in that moment, the freedom i used to feel on a bike…
the breeze cooling me down…the racing heart
it was awesome.
i didn’t fall, get hit by a random car…die. lol

i broke out in a lovely sweat…and i realized today how much working out has increased my stamina
i could have kept going
but i didn’t want to push it or get ahead of myself.

weather permitting…i will be on that bike again tomorrow

quiet side streets and trails aren’t scary at all…

i feel like a new woman 🙂

i think it’s time to celebrate.  i am off tonight for a good ol’ time
i am way over due

hope your weekend was as perfect as mine.

seriously…i can’t believe this is my life!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

facing my fears – part one

Have i ever started off a blog with a quote?  well i am now.  i read this the other day and it really spoke to me…

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear – Mark Twain

So…you are all very well aware of my fears – since i have blogged about them recently 🙂

what does someone do when they have such an intense, real, panicky fear of getting on a bike???

well if you are the bee….you buy a bike.

Please meet the bike that is still nameless.  i am still working on her name: (i am open to suggestions)

she is nothing special…not expensive or overly fancy.  she is simple and yet beautiful…just like moi
lol

what inspired this?  honestly….this blog.

i realized how very afraid i was of getting on a bike, that i thought the only logical thing to do was face my fear head on.
i got sad thinking of all the things i could potentially be missing out on…and so i made the decision that it had to stop.

so it starts with the bike.  once i have let go of the extreme fear of the bike…maybe the running will come next?
who knows…and really…who cares! the point is I HAVE A BIKE!!!!!!

weather permitting i will be spending alot of time with her this weekend 🙂

i even bought a helmet.  i almost peed myself from laughing so hard, but lets face it…i look good in anything
LOL

i was talking to some people who were telling me that no, helmets are not law for adults, but i do require a bell or a horn…even for the trails.
how is an average non biker chick like me supposed to know these things???  i guess i will have to google my city and it’s bike laws to get the 411.

wish me luck.  if it all works in my favour i will fill you in on my first real bike ride.

maybe one day soon i will have a “part two” of facing my fears…maybe 🙂

yay me!!!!!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

wordpress counter



Site Meter

truth in dreams

wow did i ever have some dreams last night.
oddly enough i remember them too.

but this is the one i wanted to share here…

sooooo

in my dream i was getting ready to go to the gym.
i got dressed and started walking.
all of a sudden i end up in my home town and i am wearing running gear…with a # on my chest – like i was getting ready to run a race.  oddly enough the number was 18.
there were people everywhere, and i mean thousands of people all around but it didn’t seem like anyone noticed me.
and so i started to run….and kept running.
oh and in my dream – i am in my 16 year old body…but am the age i am now.

i ran down familiar streets – significant streets actually.
places that meant something to me growing up
everyone was cheering me on…but no one was watching…

i remember i was running for 15 minutes.
i kept repeating to those around me that i ran for 15 minutes and i haven’t done that in 20 years!
and i felt good…and amazing…and proud!
i actually woke up because i was speaking out loud…saying i haven’t done that in 20 years!
lol

and it’s true – i haven’t.

not sure if i ever talked about this over here..but when i was a kid, i loved running.
then….i got hit by a car…at the age of 16.  or was it 15?  oy, my memory is bad!!!
anyways…
i never ran again.
i was on a bike when i got hit, but the car hit my left leg…and i was down…and he was gone –  after he took the time to yell at me for scratching his car.

i went for physiotherapy…but my legs were never the same again. (although he hit the left leg…i landed on the right one and injured that one too)
i also just naturally have two weak ankles…so that doesn’t help.

a couple of years later…i again was on my bike…and was hit.  this guy took off like a bat outta hell.
let me also clarify that both of these times…i had the right of way…i was obeying the rules of the road.
and also let me tell you that my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for getting hit by a car…and i had to go to the hospital all by myself.  imagine  lol.
(he wasn’t my boyfriend much longer)

anyways that time was even more serious…and i was on crutches for about a month – 2 fractures in my leg and my leg literally torn open from the car tire.

my bike was destroyed – obviously… and so my parents actually bought me a new one.  2 weeks later my bike was stolen.
i took it as a sign that i was just not meant to ride a bike.
and i haven’t since.
so it’s probably been 17 years that i have owned a bike.
i am too terrified to own a bike – but sometimes i wish i had one, just to ride the trails around my place…
anyways.
there is the back story as to why i stopped running.

for a long while i have been thinking about running.  i get all the updates on facebook from the Couch to 5k….i follow it religiously.  and of course my fellow blogger friend M – it has been very inspiring to read and follow her running journey…
and so it makes sense that it’s been on my mind.

but where do i find the time????  i am already over booked in my life as is…i just don’t know what parts of my days i can let go of to make room for something new.

and i am scared.

even running across the street is scary for me.  i have landed on my face because my ankles just give out – or they lock right up.
and that’s just running a couple of steps.

i’d like to think that since i have been exercising…i have become stronger.  that what was once weak is now strong.
i can’t honestly remember the last time i fell over..but then again i can’t remember the last time i ran at all.

and it kinda bums me out…because lately it’s all that i can think about.
i remember how much i loved it and how sad i was when it was taken away from me.

maybe it’s a sign – this dream…to face my fears
to just do.
maybe it’s telling me just go – give it 15 minutes.
i mean i will never know unless i try…and if i fall down – well…it makes for a great blog yes?

thoughts anyone?

wordpress counter



Site Meter

eating disorder?

do you think a tv advertisement could trigger an eating disorder?

i read an article on yahoo today.  a commercial was pulled from tv because they were worried that it may “trigger” an eating disorder.

i am not too sure how i feel about this.

here is the commercial:

personally…i found it rather amusing.  the way the lady is justifying eating a piece of cheesecake.
don’t we all do that???

i know that if i eat something a little to rich or sweet…something that is not typically on my diet…i have conversations with myself…
if i eat this i need to go to the gym regardless if it’s my day off, if i eat this i need 15 more minutes on the elliptical.
etc etc etc.

i assure you i do not have an eating disorder.

my head is still too jumbled up to be clear on this…so what say you?  what do you think of the commercial?

Here is the article i read on yahoo.  click here to read.

please feel free to discuss!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

stress eating

i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.
completely.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

wordpress counter



Site Meter

it must be the beer

low carb beer of course.

spending the late afternoon early evening outside
has left me feeling high 🙂
especially being on a patio, feeling the sun on my bare shoulders, kissing my face…
today was certainly not a waste of make up day.
the intention was dinner…but no food was eaten till closer to 10!

i couldn’t drink since i was driving…but there were a few beers waiting for me at home
(ok ok so they weren’t waiting for me at home, but they were definitely waiting for me at the beer store lol)

Adele is singing me love songs (because surely she would fall in love with me if she met me)
i had a good day….and i’ve been writing my little heart out.

life is good.

and so when i am feeling awesomely amazing, i think about my life
i become reflective, a sentimental fool…and amidst the craziness i call life, i am grateful for all the good that is in it.

i’ve been going through poetry i have written…from as recently as the other day…to back over a decade ago
i’ve managed to get some of the old stuff out of my journals and onto the computer
i have an email account just for all my blogging/writing things.

and it’s amazing how one poem/writing can take you back…right back to where you were when you wrote it
how the feelings are exactly the same…sometimes you can get lost in that moment…or it’s like you’re on the outside looking in.
and sooooo i am reflective.
it’s totally gotta be that lite-barely any alcohol in it-low carb beer lol
(cause i am tough as nails on a good day)

but tonight i am mushy, happy and in love with every detail of my life.
damn beer.

and so my blog is taking advantage of me tonight and wants me to share the personal bits of me
and so i thought this poem was appropriate 🙂

hope your night was as awesome as mine.

Foolish Heart

Foolish heart

Why do you jump?

Why do you run circles, and make my brain dizzy

Foolish heart

How do you do it?

How do you make all reason and logic disappear

And turn me in to

 This

 A girl with no sense

A girl without walls

A girl who stands 11 stories high

Anticipating the leap…

Wanting to fall.

Deeply and madly and passionately

Fall

Lay down at your feet kind of crazy

Give you my all, my everything

Foolish heart

Give back my common sense

Seems you took it with you when you left

To pursue the untouchable

The unfathomable

Idea of love.

Such a fool you are

Stupid, stupid heart

Taking away everything I built

Everything I knew

My walls were stoic and strong

Unbreakable

Until you.

And now foolish heart

How do you make me fall.

Quite effortlessly and oh so quickly

Give me the desire to fall in love with

Someone

The very someone I should not.

what do you know

About love and adoration

Other than leaping full throttle

From 11 stories high

Head first

Without any sorrow for the girl

That’s left

In the aftermath.

Foolish heart

Falling in love

Without my permission

Turning my brain into mush

Making me smile like the fool you are

Making me want the very thing

I’ve told myself I should never have

Foolish heart.

My stupid, foolish heart.

wordpress counter



Site Meter

i love her

the universe that is.

i got an email from her today…as i do every single day.  I have for years.

anyone i meet, i tell them about these emails…and how they can receive these messages as well…

so many people i know are connected with her now…and i will continue to spread her message.

she knows me well…as she addresses me as “goddess” 🙂

this was her message for me today:
How adventurous would life be, goddess, if you were “challenge free”? If you had the perfect body, perfect self-esteem, everyone adored you, and you won the lottery every Sunday?

Not.

Now what if, painful as they may temporarily be, you could choose a life during which challenges might arise whenever your thinking needed expansion, on the sole condition that every one of them could be overcome no matter how daunting they may at first seem?

Everything makes you more,
The Universe

Besides, goddess, everyone adores you anyway

she seems to tell me the right things at the right time.
I love me some universe!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

happy

summer is pretty much officially here
and this my friends makes me very happy
(although today i am wearing pants and a sweater)

i need to live somewhere warm
where it’s spring/summer all year round…cause really…winter just sucks.
pffft.

so with summer comes the closet switch over.
all the heavy stuff gets put away…and all the cute summer clothes i wore last year
come out.

i was really excited about this because i bought a lot of new clothing last year.
i had lost a significant amount of weight and nothing old fit me anymore.

so out came some of my summer clothing…
i put on a pair of my capri’s from last year…

and they are too big.

my clothes that i bought last summer are too big!!!!!
once again i look like a bag lady in my clothing!!!!

yes…i did my happy dance in the living room
bounced around like an idiot for a bit
and then got a little bummed.

i need summer clothes…STAT
which means i am going shopping this weekend
yes…this makes me happy…i mean new clothes always make me happy

but it also means spending money.
money i don’t really have.

i’ve been saving money for the important things you know…
like buying an Ipad for no reason whatsoever….or paying off debt
(you know it would have been the Ipad hands down)
i didn’t budget for a new wardrobe.

baaahh…you only live once.

it impresses me cause the clothes i bought last summer…
specifically the pants – were tight fitting when i bought them
and now i have to keep pulling them up!!!

i think this year i am gonna rock dresses
there are really cute ones out there…and i cannot remember the last time i wore a dress…especially to work… just because.

this is gonna be fun…but man is it gonna be expensive.

bye bye Ipad…it was a great thought while it lasted.
mamma needs clothes.

since i am happy…i leave you with this song…cause it makes me happier lol
click here to feel happy too!

wordpress counter



Site Meter

oy vay

i had an amazing day.

i got a lot accomplished…but that included eating things that are soooo not on my menu.
you know how it goes.  you feel like you can conquer the world…and anything goes.
i had amazing company…and life felt amazing…so carbs suddenly became ok as a staple on the menu.

ughhh….

i am tortured tonight…and reminded why i do what i do and why i do it.

as awesome as it is to see the pounds melt off of me…and to see my body changing…

i was reminded why i eat the way i do.
i was reminded that it never had a thing to do with being “skinny”.

i am tortured tonight…because i decided today would be the day i would stray from my “diet”

tonight i was reminded that this is NOT a diet…but a way of life…the way that my life needs to be in order to live in accordance to my body and my heart….and my poor belly.

it’s not worth the pain…not worth the back and forth in my head.

sooo not worth this pain that leaves me aching in the fetal position.

sometimes…only sometimes…i wish carbs were not the enemy.

wordpress counter



Site Meter