Tag Archives: emotions

learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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the plan is – there is no plan

that’s where things are at these days.

i haven’t written lately, because there hasn’t been much to write about…in terms of low carb and working out that is.

i have been off track.  maybe off track isn’t the right term…i’ve completely derailed in my journey to a smaller bee.

with Christmas, and then being sick, to other things, time has flown by and i cannot believe i am in to March and still trying to find my groove.

i have not been low carbing. i have also not been high carbing.
lately it’s been simple.  i eat what i crave, what i feel will nourish my soul – and not so much my body.

you would be surprised at the things i crave – and i mean insanely crave.
i crave fruit, orange juice, whole grain bread.
and then more fruit..
and again more fruit.

i crave salads and veggies and then some more fruit
and chicken salad wraps –  whole wheat.
i crave soups in a big way too.

no it’s not always that healthy.  i won’t tell you about the pizza i ate at 10 pm the other night
or what about all the Ben and Jerry’s I ate when i was sick.

i also won’t tell you how natural and good it feels.

it’s not like i’ve completely strayed, but i have definitely allowed foods back into my life that i put on the deny list years ago.

i’ve come to a few realizations.

since upping my carbs – my headaches have decreased tremendously.
i am barely getting them anymore.
that in itself is a god send to me.

i’ve also realized that the foods i crave, still affect my body in a negative way
and sometimes i wonder if it’s worth it.
but it does pass…and before long i am feeling ok again.
and i have realized that this is just how my body is wired…and always will be.

i’ve also realized that since December, i haven’t gained much weight if any at all…
my clothes all fit – and i am still battling the same bulge i was in December.

i haven’t been to the gym in a month – and although there has been a little bit of self anger, i am really not feeling as bad as i thought i would.
the gym is not off the table.  i plan on getting back to the swing of things this week.

i figure if i work out 3-4 times a week – maintain myself as i am (well i still want to lose the holiday pounds) i will be just fine.

i realized a few extra pounds on my body does not make me unworthy or less beautiful.

i realized i put too much stress on myself by feeling like i was always disappointing myself – and others.

but the biggest thing i have realized.  sometimes the soul needs more nourishment than the body
that if your soul is broken, your body is too.

right now i am concentrating on my soul.
feeding it and nourishing that part of myself.
my soul needs more care than my body right now…

and so the plan is – there is no plan.

the plan is simple.

the plan is to take care of me – whatever that may entail.

where this leads in terms of “diet” – i have no idea.  but for now, i am ok with that.



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going back to where it all started

a week before i made a conscious decision to change my life for the better…

i had to travel to Montreal for work.

Despite the fact that my life was spiraling out of control and i felt like a complete and utter mess on the inside…
on the outside i must have been exuding a kick ass confidence that really…was non existent.
I was sent to Montreal to learn a new job – a promotion – because apparently higher management thought i was doing an exceptional job.
i guess on the outside i didn’t look so messed up.
i’ve always been a good clown.

My boss came with me – which is always fun.  She is a good boss and an awesome person to hang out with after hours.

One of the nights there…my boss and a coworker from Montreal wanted to go shopping. We had a mall right beside the hotel  we were staying in – how convenient.

I however did not want to go.  I was at least 20 pounds heavier then…and trying on clothing was like Chinese water torture to me.
Did i mention that my boss is so very tiny that i have always wondered where on earth she gets her clothes?  i mean, she would swim in a size zero.

i pretended to look around, my boss tried to convince me to try stuff on – but i told her that i just didn’t have room in my luggage even if i wanted to buy anything (lies of course)

it was a horrible trip.  not because the people i was with were horrible, not at all.  They were too good to me…spoiling me with amazing dinners every single night i was there…
one of my coworkers (that i was training with and had just met) made me lunch and brought it in for me – yeah, i instantly fell in love with her – and talk to her every day now 🙂

i just wasn’t in the mind set that involved anything past inhaling and exhaling.
pretending to be jovial and smile seemed like such an unreachable feat…when all i wanted to do was to be left alone and curl up in a ball.
i don’t know how i never noticed it then – but obviously i was going through a severe depression.

Yes, there were awesome things going on in my life – including the promotion that i never felt worthy of at the time…
but you really can’t see the light when you are surrounded by so much darkness.

Heading back home turned out to be a nightmare as well…we had really bad weather and ended up staying a night in Ottawa because we couldn’t get home.  All i wanted to do was get back home – to my normal.

When i finally got home – i got word that a friend of mine had committed suicide.
i had had enough.  i turned into this big fat inconsolable puddle on my couch and hated everything.  everything.
i took the week to absorb what’s happened in my life – and then i got off of my ass and moved mountains.
and the rest as they say – is history.

i am heading to Montreal in a week and a half.  I am going for training yet again – because higher management believes in me.
This time – so do I.

this time i am going as a new person.  Over twenty pounds smaller, an over all happier and much healthier girl will be arriving there.
i will be spending my time at the same hotel – beside the mall that almost 2 years ago made me cry.
i didn’t know where the gym was last time i was there – i really didn’t care…
today i have already mapped it out (although i’ve been told i won’t have much down time)

this time i cannot wait to get there…to the mall…to the office to once again see my wonderful coworkers that i miss.

I am not devastated or anywhere near a rock bottom.
Sure i get sad…i get down…and it’s easy to want to sit there and feel it.
but i much prefer this bee…the happier one.

This time…i will leave much room in my luggage for new clothes.
i really can’t wait.

I’m ready to take Montreal in with new eyes.

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sensitive

that’s how i’m feeling.

alot’s gone down these past few days and i am just left feeling a little raw and perhaps needy?
no, needy is not the word
sensitive. definitely sensitive.

i am analyzing every little thing said to me…and taking offense to things i shouldn’t be i am sure.
i am ultra sensitive…and i dislike feeling this way.

i wasn’t going to post here – but it’s got pretty much everything to do with my health…so it seems appropriate.

i’ve made some changes to my personal life lately.
well, i was forced into making these changes, and ultimately it is the best thing for me.
and i am ok with the changes ahead of me.

after all, life is about change.

but i still feel sensitive…

getting up to go to the gym today was a struggle.  it seems it has been lately yes?
perhaps my body knew all along what my mind was not ready to register.
who knows

i want to revert back to old behaviours…because they are old and comfortable
like a childhood blankie…or a hug from my mom.

i want to run to the corner store and grab a bag of dill pickle chips and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

at least i have enough mind power to understand that although these are comforting foods for the moment
they are anything but comforting afterwards.

i am grateful for my willpower these days.

inhale and exhale.

everything’s gonna be alright.

everything’s gonna be better in 2 days when i am officially on vacay.
there, that totally put a smile on my face.

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houston, we are having a breakdown

well it finally happened
bee had a tad of a melt down yesterday.  i looked a little like this lol

as per usual, i raced home to take my sweet puppy outside for a walk.
raced back in and got dressed for the gym.
right before i left…i felt a little woozy and nauseous.  no worries…i figured it would pass.

ran downstairs to meet GB, got in her car…and my world started spinning
“i don’t feel so good” i said.
she asked if i wanted to stay home…and i said no way – this will pass.

we pulled into the parking lot…and i have the sweats, crazy beating heart…and i still feel nauseous.
my world is spinning – and i am getting ready to go in and do some cardio.
what is wrong with this picture???

GB after looking at me like i had 5 heads told me i probably shouldn’t go in feeling the way i do.
it took a bit of convincing – but alas i did not go.

we grabbed an iced coffee and headed to the lake for some fresh air.

10 minutes later i told her we could go try working out.
she laughed at me and ignored me.

i don’t know what i was thinking – but there is no way i could have worked out.

i went home and that’s when it all spiraled out of control.

i washed some dishes, got my recyclables together…and thought about dinner.
all the while debating whether i should run out and get my butt to the gym.

i felt so guilty.  missing one day at the gym totally screwed up my schedule.

now i had to rearrange everything.

my life is all about structure.  it never has been before…but now it has to be….for me to be remotely successful

when was i going to do everything else??

i was defeated…i felt an immense guilt inside…that i was failing.  i am wonder woman…i am supposed to be able to do everything!
i can handle anything.

but at that moment i felt so overwhelmed.  i felt like a soccer mom – without the kids.
i felt completely and utterly defeated – and damn tired.

but i keep that all in.  no room for complaining that i am tired, or stressed…overwhelmed…
who really wants to hear that?
i am not a whiner by nature.  i tough it out.  i am strong like bull.

so i sat there in my guilt.  i have a Greek mother (sorry ma) i was groomed to feel guilt over everything.
if you sat me down and told me world hunger was actually my doing…i would guarantee you i’d feel guilty about that too!!

i just have no time – and my body finally let me process that.
i can’t remember the last time i sat down and was able to pay attention to one of my favourite shows on tv.
i used to watch Criminal Minds in bed before i fell asleep…and now i can’t get through 10 minutes of it.
i am just so damn tired.

so what did i do?
what any sensible girl would do.
i cried over my steamed broccoli – and analyzed every single aspect of my life and fed my enormous guilt with my tears.
i had a pity party for one…and then stopped.

took the puppy to the dog park and got lots of love from puppies which made me feel worlds better.
i mean what heart would not melt from puppy kisses???

oh…and i feel better today.
i felt better right after i ate…i suppose i was crazy hungry.

oh and in case you are even questioning…i still am wonder woman.
i will always kick serious ass.
i am sure even wonder woman breaks down now and then.

self portrait


and if you care at all…this is what my horoscope says today:

Be more realistic about what you can do. You might be a bit overly sensitive about what you are offering in a situation. Everyone feels limited at times. Don’t push so hard right now. Tonight: Let someone else treat.

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my skin – a picture post

i’ve never been one to be comfortable in my own skin.
there was always something to work on, to perfect…accomplish
i am a perfectionist in everything i do…so this is not surprising.

i was looking back on my life.  who i was, who i am…and who i am yet to be.

it’s been a year and 5 months since i made the decision to change my life.
i was so tired of being where i was…feeling like i just couldn’t move forward.
it was do or die.

i never could have imagined how these small changes would impact my life.

i am a different woman.

i was never ever the type of girl who would look in the mirror and say “hello beautiful”
in fact…i hated the mirror.  i think the only time i ever stood in front of my mirror butt naked, was to stare at myself in disbelief.  the horror i faced. to size myself up and put myself down.  i would just stare, in total shock and pick myself apart.
yeah, i know.  i was rough on me.  but i always have been.  i am my own worst critic.

just a year and a half ago, getting dressed in the morning was a struggle.  sometimes it would make me cry…go into a full blown rage and throw my clothes around.
nothing fit right…nothing looked right…
it was torture.

pictures?  no thanks.  i would either hide my body behind someone, or if my picture had to be taken, my hands would always be over my belly…you know – if you can’t see it, it’s not there

special events?  you might as well have liquored me up before going to the mall to try on dresses.
nothing would fit properly or hide my imperfections.
it was horrifying each and every time.  i would be thrown into a deep and dark depression for days.

i feel so sad for hating me so much.  i treated myself so terribly.
never again.
the best thing i have accomplished?  i really do love myself.  who knew.

Fast forward to today.  The mirror and i are still working on having a healthy relationship.  Of course i still look at myself and analyze every little spot…every little imperfection.
but today i can look in the mirror and smile and say – looking good bee.  hey, maybe one day i can say “good morning beautiful”

i am a work in progress…but i gotta say…when i sit back and think about how much i have changed…i am in awe.

I am posting a picture here for you all to see – ( it’s really small but if you click on it you can see it full size)

this picture rocks my socks for several reasons:

1) i am truly happy – you can see it in my face
2) i am bra-less.  i never thought that day would come!
3) i am wearing an extra small dress – i never thought that day would come either
4) i am not fidgeting or trying to hide.
5) i am comfortable in my skin
6) i am comfortable in my skin
7) and in case i didn’t mention it – i am comfortable in my skin.

and now for the bonus picture 🙂

this is me in my most important role of my life.

this child does not care if i am thin or fat, how my make up looks and if my hair is out of place.
this child loves me as i am…and wants to be loved.  that is all that matters…love.

i think this kid is gonna teach me alot.

i am not perfect – and i still have work to do.
but i am getting there…and i am loved.

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creeeeepy

so i already knew what i was gonna post tomorrow.

like i said a couple of posts ago…i am getting alot of quotes coming my way.

there was one that spoke to me but i didn’t want to overwhelm you guys so i thought i’d post them one at a time.

tonight i was checking email and facebook…and one of my groups – Couch to 5k posted the exact quote i’ve been holding on to for days.
so i thought i wouldn’t wait until the morning and share it with you now.

creepy the way things happen…the way the universe speaks to you.

good night friends 🙂

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summer lovin’

the problem with summer is that i dread being indoors.
when i am at work and look outside my window – i feel sad that i am trapped inside when there is a whole day out there that i could be enjoying.

as i was driving home yesterday, i was thinking about everything that i needed to do…and of course all of it was indoors.
(except for walking the puppy of course)

then i had a bit of a light bulb moment!

it was my gym day yesterday.  i was feeling uneasy about it as i was heading home.  going somewhere that would leave me stuck in doors when it was just so gorgeous outside!  i was itching like crazy to be outside!!!!!
the humidity finally died down and there was a beautiful breeze coming off of the lake.

soooooooo i said to myself…self – you just bought yourself a bike!
why do a half hour of cardio at the gym when you can get outdoors and work out???
i am so smart sometimes!!

and so i did just that.

i went out biking for well over an hour.
it was beautiful.

i went on the water front trails and discovered parts of my city i have never seen!!!
the water was bright blue/green and there were people everywhere on blankets enjoying the day.
i am so blessed to live in such a beautiful city.

i almost wished i had my camera…but yesterdays adventure was more about getting a work out than stopping to smell the roses.

it was hard work – i won’t lie.  but it was good work…fun work.

i eventually got off of the trail because i was curious to see how far i had gone.
when i got on the main road and saw where i was i couldn’t believe it.
this bee can travel!!!!!

i could have kept going…in fact i almost did…
i had the energy.
but – i was so excited about how far i had gone i didn’t take in to consideration that i still had to get home.
so i turned around
thank god.

by the time i got home i was sore and exhausted – and sweaty and outta breath
it was AWESOME!

i discovered a lot of things – like i said…new parts of my city that i never even knew existed…
i discovered that it’s best to wear sunglasses and keep your mouth closed at ALL times lol – damn bugs!
and when a dragonfly is flying right at you and you are going at warp speed, it is in the best interest of all those involved to duck!!
and to my complete surprise…body parts that have never ever hurt before – were and are hurting.
parts that shouldn’t hurt
lets just say it is bike seat related
🙂

i had a great time.  it was a thousand times better than going to the gym.
the time flew by…and it really didn’t feel like exercise at all.

i will be doing this more often – take advantage of the wonderful weather while it’s here

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can’t help myself

it seems like all these motivational/inspirational quotes keep finding me lately.

they keep speaking to me…and i can’t help but to listen to them loud and clear.

If you read my blog, you know about the intimate love affair I have going on with the Universe.  she loves me dearly.  i cannot help but think that she is sending me these messages…

they couldn’t have come at a better time…and i am listening.  boy am i ever listening.

I hope this inspires you too.

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