Tag Archives: dying

sweet slumber

i can’t sleep, but i am so tired.

with everything that happened this morning playing like a horror film in my head
i wonder if i will sleep tonight at all.

it’s nights like these i don’t like nights like these.

my mind is on repeat.  everything is being chewed over and over and over.

one thing leads to another…to another…and all of a sudden the whole worlds issues become my own.

i know, i am rambling.

i worked out tonight.  i had such a headache but could not sit still in my own skin.
i needed to move…i needed to do anything and everything but just sit and be stagnant.
maybe a work out would leave me thought free for 45 minutes.

i am pretty sure i had a good work out – truth is i barely remember going through the motions
one minute i was starting and the next it was over…my body covered in sweat…
i fell into the shower and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

today was just so unexplainable.

everything was normal.
and then the next minute…there was nothing normal about the day.
nothing.

one moment Cody was bouncing around, happy…normal
and literally the next minute she was on the ground…gone.

it makes no sense to me.

none.

and so i am wide awake chewing and mulling and missing.

sometimes a girl doesn’t care about eating what’s best and doing the best for her body
sometimes a girl just wants to be

but oddly enough all i want to do is throw myself in to some physical exertion…
just keep moving…non stop

i’m afraid falling into this funk that i feel would be counterproductive.

a friend told me tonight…one day i will be grateful that Cody took the decision from our hands and left on her own.
i know that day will come.
it’s just today is so not that day.

i won’t lie…a nice big bowl of anything carb related would be wonderful right now.
but i won’t.

i’ve lost 3 furbabies in the past 14 months.
there is something so not right about that.
actually i put Ben down 14 months ago tomorrow…

like i’ve said before…..some people have children, me?  i got my furbabies.

hope you guys are all in la-la land and sorry for my rambles.


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emotional eating revisited

emotional eating.
 
it’s the one thing i can’t seem to get control over…
 
with the recent passing of an old friend, my brain and my emotions have been in over drive to say the least.
so much thinking and wondering and thinking some more…it’s enough to drive a girl crazy.
 
and so when i am in that place…i do one of two things.
i either completely lose my appetite, or i crave the things that make me somehow feel comforted, cared for….loved.
this weekend it just happened to be Chinese food that made me feel that way.
 
when i am in that place, there is just no saying “no”
i have no control over what my stomach is asking me to feed it.  and temporarily it makes me feel amazing, and then shortly after i feel like crap
and that’s just the way it goes.
raiding my kitchen cupboards at 10pm to find a morsel of anything that’s not good for me
because for some reason that is exactly what i want.
 
lately i’ve been pretty lenient with my food choices.  an “i don’t care” attitude.
amazingly, during the week i am really good with it all…but once the weekend hits…i am a different person.
 
the only thing that keeps me somewhat centred is my working out
i haven’t shot that to hell thank god.
 
the funny thing about it all is i allow myself one day a weekend to eat whatever it is i want.  lately my one day has lasted the whole weekend.
that has to stop…and i am just not sure how.
it’s a tricky thing when you are catering to an emotion.  it’s hard to say no to something that makes your heart feel less broken.
but it’s something i need to figure out.
 
because death happens. 
you lose people from your life.
sadness is a part of life.
tears are going to happen.
fights are bound to happen
relationships die.
shit happens.
 
i just need to find a different way to cope with these things, rather than getting into my fat pants and calling my local Chinese restaurant to stuff these feelings away.
 
and that’s where i am at on this rainy Monday morning.
not to worry…i am still gonna kick Monday’s ass 🙂


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