so
my vacation is almost here
i’ve resigned myself to the fact
that i am not going to be the skinny size zero i was a few years ago
these past 6 months have been trying
6 months
and trying is really an understatement
i’ve been relatively “good”
by good, i mean i have been working out 6 days a week
i’ve been eating clean
and allowing myself to indulge on weekends here and there
it’s been a struggle
i’ve had many breakdowns
just not happy with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror
years ago
in 6 months i would be able to drop at least 3 sizes
this time around – i’ve dropped 1
one
how discouraging
how i completely understand the term
‘it gets harder as you get older”
it’s been beyond discouraging
and so i cried, and moped and felt sorry for myself
and then
i said FUCK IT
i’ve missed years and years of opportunities
of exotic far away trips
because god forbid i show anyone this body in a bathing suit
i’ve actually not gone on vacations
because i couldn’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit
how my self worth, somehow depended on the strangers that saw me in a two piece
i see now how ridiculous this sounds
i am not obese
i am actually petite
but it’s just never good enough is it?
i’ve been shopping for clothes these past couple of weekends
i put it on hold until the last minute
just in case i lost a thousand pounds overnight – you know
and i realized something
i’d go to the mall and
i would grab something i liked
put it against me – and think – perfect
get to the change room – and i would be swimming in it
i would grab sizes way too big
for example
i’ve never been a “large” – even at my heaviest
but i was grabbing large tank tops and t-shirts
and just buying them…
get home and put them on
only to see that they were way too big for me
and that is what i faced while trying on clothes
grabbing the large
only to end up buying the “small”
i realized how absolutely loud our internal critic is
i realized how low my self worth was
i realized how little i thought about myself
all based on weight
as if weight determined the person i was
i am far from perfect
i have a Buddha belly
and hips and curvy thighs
that doesn’t make me fat
it makes me a woman
a curvy, sexy
hot bodacious woman
and i am going to rock that damn bikini