Tag Archives: death

one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.

 

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exactly what i needed

everything happens for a reason.  things come to you for a reason.  nothing is coincidence.

for example, out of the blue my godfather popped into my head…and wouldn’t go away.  after a full 24 hours of tears and sadness and never-ending thoughts and conversations with my godfather (who passed away almost 4 years ago) how is it that a car…that appeared to go out of it’s way to cut me off…would bare the license plate “godfather”?

coincidence?  i don’t believe in coincidence.
i believe in signs.  i believe he was saying – hey kid i’m right here!

So i was on google today…looking for something rather specific…and instead found this…and i knew it was exactly what i needed to hear today.

maybe i didn’t find it…maybe it found me.

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how time flies

today marks the one year anniversary of losing my resident cat, Mamma.

it doesn’t feel like a year.  not at all.

it feels like this just happened.  she’s been gone a year…and i miss her still so very much.

sometimes i swear i hear her or feel her close by.

Mamma was with me for 16 years…she lived a good life, but it’s just never long enough.

she was crazy, unpredictable, affectionately called “evil”, most people were scared to be around her…but she loved me to death.

i’m just thinking about my girl today and sending her all the love in my heart.

i love you Mamma

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a gentle reminder

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

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life revisited

everyone hits a point in their lives.
 
picking apart things, their thoughts..death can do that to a person.
 
wondering why they bother…what for?
 
why do i do the things i do…for what???  does anything make a difference?
 
eating healthy, working out, loving my loves, slaving day to day at work, for a paycheck.
 
what’s it all about really?  does it even matter?
 
when i die, what will i be remembered for?
my low carb obsession, working out 5 days a week craziness???
 
or will i be known for how i made others feel while i was here?
 
ugh…does it really matter?  any of it???
 
just one look, one smile, one hug says to me….YES…
it matters very much.  every little bit of it.


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the c-word

i hate it.
 
Cancer.
 
Over the past 2 days i found out that 2 more sweet, succulent souls have passed away from this relentless disease.
that makes 3 people in less than a month.
and this makes me so sad and angry.
 
I am not ignorant enough to believe that it only affects my world and the people i love.
i understand that thousands of people a day are given this life sentence.
but how can i not personalize something so personal?
 
and so as death goes, it makes you take inventory of your life.
 
am i doing everything right?  am i living a squeaky clean existence which will guarantee i make it to the ripe old age of 99?
not only am i taking care of my health, but am i treating those people i love as i should?
 
 
 the truth is…it doesn’t matter.
 
what i have learned through these 3 deaths this past month….
is that cancer doesn’t care.
cancer is not racist.
it doesn’t care if you are 36 or 74.
it doesn’t care if you live your life as a healthy active person, or if you abuse your body.
 
it’s like it does the eeny meeny miney mo
and when it’s your time…it’s your time.
the end.
 
I am still going to give it my all…do my best to be the healthiest bee i can be
there is so much i can improve and work on…
you know…to make me indestructible….Super Bee.
sigh
i wish
 
sometimes it just makes you wonder what it’s all about you know?
 
it just makes me think…and really, i already think too much
 
and so…for just this one time….i will not be a hard ass and say:
 
hey…i love you – just in case you were wondering.
I love you.
 
don’t ever expect me to say it again
i do have an image to uphold
🙂


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emotional eating revisited

emotional eating.
 
it’s the one thing i can’t seem to get control over…
 
with the recent passing of an old friend, my brain and my emotions have been in over drive to say the least.
so much thinking and wondering and thinking some more…it’s enough to drive a girl crazy.
 
and so when i am in that place…i do one of two things.
i either completely lose my appetite, or i crave the things that make me somehow feel comforted, cared for….loved.
this weekend it just happened to be Chinese food that made me feel that way.
 
when i am in that place, there is just no saying “no”
i have no control over what my stomach is asking me to feed it.  and temporarily it makes me feel amazing, and then shortly after i feel like crap
and that’s just the way it goes.
raiding my kitchen cupboards at 10pm to find a morsel of anything that’s not good for me
because for some reason that is exactly what i want.
 
lately i’ve been pretty lenient with my food choices.  an “i don’t care” attitude.
amazingly, during the week i am really good with it all…but once the weekend hits…i am a different person.
 
the only thing that keeps me somewhat centred is my working out
i haven’t shot that to hell thank god.
 
the funny thing about it all is i allow myself one day a weekend to eat whatever it is i want.  lately my one day has lasted the whole weekend.
that has to stop…and i am just not sure how.
it’s a tricky thing when you are catering to an emotion.  it’s hard to say no to something that makes your heart feel less broken.
but it’s something i need to figure out.
 
because death happens. 
you lose people from your life.
sadness is a part of life.
tears are going to happen.
fights are bound to happen
relationships die.
shit happens.
 
i just need to find a different way to cope with these things, rather than getting into my fat pants and calling my local Chinese restaurant to stuff these feelings away.
 
and that’s where i am at on this rainy Monday morning.
not to worry…i am still gonna kick Monday’s ass 🙂


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