Tag Archives: comfort eating

a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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i’m not a bitch, i’m just hungry

i apologize for not being as “present” as i wish i could be.  it’s been an unusual couple of weeks…”trying” to say the least
and finding my mojo…to try to inspire and be light hearted has been difficult
as much as i pride myself as being the class clown…i do get affected…i do get bummed out…and sometimes silence is the only way i can deal with it.
it’s funny…because i noticed tonight how my blogs as of late have been how i’ve been neglecting my routine – my health
and i know why it is…although in my blogs i’ve written that i “just don’t get it”
i do get it.  i am going through something personal.  but all is well and i will survive.  it’s not anything that needs to be said here…i got the blog next door to air my dirty laundry
but i am fine…and getting on track
god forbid i let some idiot drama take over my health.
onward i go.

so can i tell you how weird the weather is?  really.  i should be used to it considering i live in Canada.
the other night i was bundled up in my fat pants, hoodie…and had the fire place going…two hot baths later and i was still shaking from the cold.
tonight i am prancing around in my underpants with the a/c on.
gotta love it

as i said earlier, i’ve been struggling.  that’s a hard place to sit in when you are a comfort eater
i think that’s why it’s been so easy to stray – and not take care of me as best as i can.
it’s been naughty, bad food that has made this bad feeling even worse.  at the time it feeds my emotions.  at the end of it all it just makes me feel 10 times worse
anyways…i digress.

i decided i needed to get out for an awesomely on track delicious dinner.
and so to the Keg i went.

of course…no meal is ever complete without this starter:

i like my meat medium rare, anything else just wouldn’t suffice.

take a look at my nom nom’s

looks delicious right?

a few bites into it…i realized it was cooked to at least medium well..if not well
it was disappointing.  i was looking forward to this night for ages.

i don’t complain.  i am just not one of those people.
but i was just so disappointed..i really wanted to let them know…and so i did

i had filled up on the veggies…so i wasn’t so hungry
but my god, i dreamed about tonight and my prime rib.

wouldn’t you know, the manager came over…said he saw my plate
could totally see that it wasn’t medium rare and was comping my dinner
was there anything else he could get me?

seriously?

i am just not used to that.  i felt terrible even mentioning that my prime rib was not up to par
but here they were apologizing to me…validating how i felt…comping my meal…and asking if they could do anything else to make me happy

i think i have been living in a bubble.

see…people think i am a bitch…i’ve been wanting to blog about this for a while but get distracted by other things…other things to write about
but a meeting with a complete stranger over a month ago has left me changed and constantly in thought
i promise to get to that in a blog very soon.

but i am not a bitch (as much as i like to say i am)
i do not like drama or conflict and so i usually keep my mouth shut

and so tonight was a whole new experience for me
i was not happy…and i was heard…and respected.
what an odd feeling.

and because of this…i will go back again
there is something to say about being valued.

sorry if i am all over the map.  i blame the tasty red wine lol

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happy weekend all

creeeeepy

so i already knew what i was gonna post tomorrow.

like i said a couple of posts ago…i am getting alot of quotes coming my way.

there was one that spoke to me but i didn’t want to overwhelm you guys so i thought i’d post them one at a time.

tonight i was checking email and facebook…and one of my groups – Couch to 5k posted the exact quote i’ve been holding on to for days.
so i thought i wouldn’t wait until the morning and share it with you now.

creepy the way things happen…the way the universe speaks to you.

good night friends 🙂

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stress eating

i got some upsetting and completely unexpected news before lunch time
nothing i care to get in to here
but lets just say…it left me feeling stressed out, anxious and defeated.
completely.

i don’t deal well with stress.
i either bottle it up inside or try to nurture myself with food.

i had this upsetting conversation right before lunch.

i went downstairs and suddenly all logic and common sense disappeared

they were serving these:

and so i ate them.  to feel better.  ’cause you know how that works.

i don’t feel better.  actually i am pretty sure i feel worse.
and sleepy
throw my guilt in to the mix and you got one awesome bee.

ugh.  i guess i will be working my ass off tonight…literally.

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amazing restraint

usually grocery shopping is an enjoyable experience for me.
i love buying ingredients and coming up with an amazing end result.

yesterday was not one of those days.

i was determined to roast a chicken.  i had a recipe i just had to try.
the cooking time wasn’t that long…

so i picked up all the veggies and spices i required for this recipe…
getting more excited by the minute.
that alone took me a good half hour.

the last thing i needed was the chicken…so off to the poultry section i went.
the recipe calls for a 3 pound chicken.
all the chickens there were about 6- 7 pounds.
not a big deal right?  just double the ingredients and cooking time.
well…i don’t know about you, but i do not have 3.5 hours to waste on cooking during a weekday.
hell i barely have that time on a weekend!

so i had to go put back every single ingredient and spice i had picked up and start fresh.
what the hell was i gonna make now?  i had no back up plan.
i debated buying a big ass tub of ben and jerrys… but didn’t

i figured it out quickly and ran around the grocery store and grabbed everything i needed.
as i was running through the aisles like a mad woman i noticed coke zero on sale…but you had to buy 2 cases.
i’m just little so i knew i would struggle carrying all that but helllloooo…it was a sale, and i am a coke zero addict.
i ran up to pay….and put all my items on the belt…and noticed that i accidentally picked up chicken noodle soup instead of cream of chicken.
all the items went back in my basket, one case of pop under one arm, the other in my hand…and an over flowing basket in the other.
i ran back and i got the right soup…and went running to the check out…
and as i was running oh so gracefully…the case of coke zero ripped open.  it was like a slow motion movie.
my legs did some funky move…as my knee came up to try and stop the cans from falling out…
i saved the day…however i am pretty sure i pulled a muscle or 12…and entertained my fellow shoppers.

drama over, i went home.  i cracked open a beer (leftover from Friday) and calmed down for a moment.
i didn’t want to cook my dinner with hate and resentment ya know.

dinner turned out to be crazy yummy…so in the end…it was all worth it.

i rushed and got dressed and headed to the mall.  i had to return a phone i purchased on Saturday…cause i didn’t like it.  it wasn’t working for me.  the guy said i had 14 days to exchange it…so off i went.

did i mention i am pms’d?
i think that would be important to know…so you can grasp my mood.

i gave the phone to the sales guy, explained my issue – no problem – all was well – he went off to get the phone i wanted.
then he asked if i used over 30 min on the phone.  i said i have no idea
then he gets on the phone to call my cellular provider to find out how many minutes i used…which i thought was weird.
anyways..dood comes back and says “here’s the problem”
because i signed up between billing periods, he won’t be able to tell me how many minutes i used for at least 3 days.  so he cannot give me a different phone AND i can’t use my phone for 3 days, until i find out how many minutes i’ve used.

i guess what they failed to mention to me when i purchased the phone was if you go over 30 minutes you are no longer entitled to an exchange.
i later learned it was only because the company that sold me the phone would have to incur the charge.

not my problem.

i returned my phone within my 14 day time frame…and would like another phone please and thanks.
he said no.

umm…i don’t think so.

so i got on the phone with my cellular provider…ya know…cause i have that sort of time and the need to be that irritated.
i did mention i was pms’d right?

i got transferred 3 times.  3rd times a charm.  this gentleman totally fought for my right to paartayyy…i mean he told me that this company was LYING and they could not deny me a new phone.

2 hours later…i got the phone i wanted.  it wasn’t the sales dood’s fault..but he wasn’t being helpful.
i did my best to seem pleasant and lovely…all the while seething and giving off way more attitude than i intended.
he gave me my phone…i retracted my cat claws and off i went.

did i mention this store was right across from Laura Secord…and a few stores down from Cinnabons???
did i mention i am pms’d?

i escaped the mall and went home to pick up the pup and take her to the park.
she needed to burn off energy and i needed puppy love.

she was having a ball…and i was being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
damn ankle biters
when i started smacking my head and doing my mosquito dance…i knew it was time to go home.  i didn’t want to embarrass the pup in front of her friends you know.
i felt creepy crawlers all over my skin for the whole drive home.
brrrrrrrr.

did i mention i pass a Dairy Queen on my way home?
Did i mention i stopped at McDonald’s and only got an iced coffee?
no cone, no apple pie…no McFlurry?
just an iced coffee.

do you know how hard that is for a pissed off hormonal woman??????

by the time i got home and settled it was almost 10
stayed up a while to unwind and took the puppy for a late night pee
and then collapsed.

my alarm didn’t go off this morning – or i slept right through it..or i beat the crap out of it in my sleep

so i was late
if someone offers me a chocolate bar…i may just eat it.

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oy vay

i had an amazing day.

i got a lot accomplished…but that included eating things that are soooo not on my menu.
you know how it goes.  you feel like you can conquer the world…and anything goes.
i had amazing company…and life felt amazing…so carbs suddenly became ok as a staple on the menu.

ughhh….

i am tortured tonight…and reminded why i do what i do and why i do it.

as awesome as it is to see the pounds melt off of me…and to see my body changing…

i was reminded why i eat the way i do.
i was reminded that it never had a thing to do with being “skinny”.

i am tortured tonight…because i decided today would be the day i would stray from my “diet”

tonight i was reminded that this is NOT a diet…but a way of life…the way that my life needs to be in order to live in accordance to my body and my heart….and my poor belly.

it’s not worth the pain…not worth the back and forth in my head.

sooo not worth this pain that leaves me aching in the fetal position.

sometimes…only sometimes…i wish carbs were not the enemy.

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i did not rapture

not even a little bit.

i took all the things my ma ever told me…and made sure to do ’em

you know, always look your best…always wear clean underwear (who doesn’t do that?)

i gave myself a pretty pedicure last night.  purple.  although i am not sure why i cheaped out and didn’t pay someone to do it for me
i mean i can’t take it with me when i go right?
i heard somewhere God likes purple…so i thought that would be my perfect in.
i applied my makeup oh so perfectly…
spent all my savings placing billboards all around the city announcing the end of the world…
slept in my sunday best – like they did on the titanic.
and nothing.
nadda.
i chose a burrito from Burrito Boyz as my last meal.
it was amazingly sinful
i had no guilt.  not at all.
did i really want my last supper to be low carb???
i mean the whole world was gonna be shot in a couple of hours…right?

meh.
i am still here.

and now that i have not raptured…i am forced to go to the gym today – on my day off
and burn off the guilt that is my burrito

oh and i really didn’t do any of the above…
other than a really perdy pedi…
for my hot rockin’ time out tonight
(but it’s too damn cold to show ’em off – just my luck)

bahhhh humbug.

i’m glad everyone survived the end of the world…
then again…i haven’t heard from anyone in a while.
off to go make some phone calls!

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the power of friendship

i had a day yesterday.  not a bad day.  just a day.

i was unexpectedly sucked into a time vortex and it had me feeling rather blaaaahhhhh.

nothing good comes from over thinking anything…especially things that you cannot change.
i was going to blog about it yesterday…but i didn’t even have the energy to put in words what it was that i was feeling.
i didn’t even know what it was that i was feeling.
besides it would be a blog next door thing…
boo.

i like to use my past as a measuring tool.  to see where i came from and where i am now.
i certainly don’t like to sit in it and dwell and think and wonder about the what ifs and run scenarios around in my head that ultimately…at the end of the day really just don’t matter.
the past is buried.  you cannot bring back to life what’s dead…
am i making any sense? lol
it’s ok…it’s for me to understand anyways.

it is what it is.

and what it was yesterday was gym day.

i had zero desire to go get my sweat on if i gotta be honest with you.
i just wanted to go home and bake a cheesecake…and eat it lol
or better yet, i just wanted to go home and drink a glass of wine or two.

but my gym buddy was not cancelling on me.
if she wasn’t cancelling…i couldn’t either.

so we went with me having zero motivation – which i gotta say…never happens.
i just didn’t want to be there.
i just wanted to be at home chewing and mulling thoughts…cause you know that’s productive!

my gym buddy… who i shall refer to as GB from now on..as it takes less time to type out…
knew what was going on in my head…as we talked during the day.
she knew where i was at…and it was her mission to get me outta that head space.

she had me on an elliptical race.  we went on one…and it just didn’t feel right
and so we went to the other side of the room on two other ones…where they still didn’t feel right…
i guess i had a pained expression on my face…
and we looked at eachother…
which initiated the kind of laughter i can only describe as forbidden.
you know the kind…laughing hysterically at church…or a funeral.
the more we tried not to laugh, the louder it came out…with me at one point actually trying to
cross my legs while on the elliptical…cause well…i was gonna pee in my pretty yoga pants.
i do believe if i had a free hand i woulda grabbed my crotch and done my famous pee-pee dance
(ok it’s only famous around my friends, but whatever don’t judge me!)

we got looks…we were outta control…
we couldn’t breathe from working out and laughing at the same time.

and in that very moment i knew i was exactly where i needed to be.

and in that very moment i was grateful for my amazing friendships, grateful for the people that get me…understand the way my head works and bring me out of it.

ya know…each friend in my life is uniquely different….
with GB i can vent to my heart’s content…and laugh until the tears run down my face.

and so the world didn’t end yesterday because i was forced down memory lane.
(it’s supposed to end on the 21st anyways right?)
no, the world did not shut down and stop existing…

the world is exactly as it should be…and i was reminded that where i am…is more than good enough..because… i am loved.

sooooooooooooooooo anyways…

in honour of my girl Adele performing in my awesome city tonight…click here to get your hump on 🙂

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worse than i thought

months ago i started incorporating yogurt into my meals
it was my dessert.
not really low carb, but not terrible either.
it was my nightly snack.

i bought these cute little dessert bowls…perfect for my yummies.
one broke shortly after i got them
but the other one was still around.

until about a month ago.  it met its demise while washing dishes.
no big deal right?
one would think.

since then i have eaten yogurt twice.
why?
’cause it just doesn’t taste the same in any other bowl
think i’m kidding?
i wish i were…cause i know how crazy that sounds.
i’ve lost my taste for it…and i have been unsuccessful in finding another bowl just like it.

which got me to thinking.

at home…i eat dinner with one fork.  a fork i’ve had since i was a child.
my wine…one very specific glass out of at least 8 others
my morning coffee?  yup, same mug every single morning…but wait it gets weirder
i have a different mug i only use on weekends.
lol

closets and closets full of clothing…and i stick to the same few pieces over and over again
mind you, complaining all the while that i have no clothes
a million purses and i stick to one…
shoes…i can’t even count how many pairs i have, but tend to stick to one pair for each season.

food?  i could literally eat the same exact thing over and over and over again.
day after day after day.
until something inside me decides i’m done with it…then get to the next food…and lather rinse repeat!

my god.
it’s crazy isn’t it???

what’s scarier is i really haven’t noticed how bad it was till now.

does this even have a name???
am i certifiable?
wow – just wow!

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