when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol
so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas. i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.
not this year.
the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.
but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.
i finally tried them on last night.
i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.
bah – and so on they went yesterday. everything fit!!! one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.
but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right. yes i can do the zipper up on my pants. yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be. they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.
i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.
i just sulked – and today i feel panicked. and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.
it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.
i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays. i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.
but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it. yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.
so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.
i gotta be patient. i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.
someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.
i have a date with the elliptical tonight. i have a feeling it’s going to kill me