Tag Archives: cheating

when one door closes

it’s been a rough couple of months on the whole be a better bee thing.

there has been no diet to speak of – no real physical activity other than an odd Zumba class or dog walking (although the dog walk is an hour speed walk)

my days have consisted of eating whatever it was that i craved and sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.
it was working for a while. i mean i saw the weight creeping up a little bit but not enough to make me change.

then i saw my mom’s ass in my mirror – and well – feeling sorry for myself ended pretty damn fast
(no offense to my ma – she’s a good looking lady, believe me, it’s just that my ass was never intended to be that shape)

Anyways – today is day two of super duper clean eating.  I was a little cranky about it all yesterday…but i figure i have two options.
eat what i want and cry about all the weight i am gaining….
or suck it up and eat clean and feel better about myself and look better.

where was this mind set two months ago??

so i contacted my Zumba instructor and told her i was coming this week – only to find out that this Friday is her last class.
boo.
say it ain’t so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what oh what am i going to do without her?

so yeah – i was pretty bummed out.  ok, big time bummed out.

until

i was told that there is a Zumba Fit for wii!  how did i not know this?????

i told LB my sad story – no more Zumba for me but there is a wii game for it…and i was presented with my brand spanking wii game last night!

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

sorry i got carried away lol

so – i am gonna get my Zumba on tonight.  i cannot wait!!

i mean it’s not the same as going to the class my instructor taught…but at least i have the option.

i am totally bringing sexy back.

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starting over

i think i am ready.

after this cold completely knocked me on my ass for weeks
i think i am ready to get back to the way my life used to be.

starting next week, my priority will be getting back in to good physical health.

that means exercise at least 3-4 times a week.

this week i am managing 2 days.  which is better than nothing.

my eating is also going to be squeaky clean.

enough is enough.

i am currently on a huge clementine kick.  just imagining giving those up makes me want to cry.
thank god they are not in season for very long.

i am getting back to me again – it’s been too long.

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lesson learned

i am still trying to recover from the month-long “binge” i went on.

i would be lying if i said i don’t beat myself up over it.  cause i do.  i am pretty sure that’s normal though.

i know i can’t change what i did…but i can certainly change how i feel.

i’ve been on schedule this week with the gym.  Just when i thought i couldn’t do another minute of cardio – i managed do ten more.
i sweat my ass off – and it felt amazing.

who woulda thunk that this princess would actually enjoy sweating? lol
cause i do.

i got dressed this morning and am pretty sure a few bad, bad words came out of my mouth.  everything is a little more snug, a little more uncomfortable.
i couldn’t wait to get home just to take my pants off.

i know – i know it takes time.  if i never went off track, i would never be in this stupid head space.
maybe i will be brave enough and find myself at a Zumba class tomorrow and really kick some ass!!

lesson learned indeed.

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suck it up buttercup

when it comes to buying clothes for me – my mom does a pretty amazing job.
she generally has great style, and for some reason always, and i mean always gets me clothes that fit exactly right.
that’s a hard thing to do – buy clothes for someone – at least it is for me…
but as my mom likes to tell me – she gave birth to me – she will always know lol

so – it’s no shock that i got clothes at Christmas.  i do every year.
and every year while i am visiting home – i try the clothes on just to make sure they fit.

not this year.

the clothes stayed in the box they came in with promises to my mom that i would try them on as soon as i got home.

but then there was my road trip – and so i had no time to try them on.

i finally tried them on last night.

i didn’t try them on because i know the devastation i feel when something doesn’t fit right.
i knew that i had gained weight over the holidays and thought it would be the dumbest move ever to try on clothes feeling the way i felt about myself.
that’s just asking for trouble.

bah – and so on they went yesterday.  everything fit!!!  one of the sweaters she got me was actually a little too big for my liking.

but just because they fit – doesn’t mean they fit right.  yes i can do the zipper up on my pants.  yes i can breathe in them…yes yes yes.
but they are a little more snug than they should be.  they are not as comfortable as they should be…
i feel like a piggy in a blanket.

i almost had an emotional breakdown last night – but you really can’t have one of those without any Ben and Jerry’s on hand – or dill pickle chips.
and so i didn’t.

i just sulked – and today i feel panicked.  and this panic has brought out in me a sense of motivation i haven’t seen for some time.

it’s making me plan in my head all the things i MUST do in order to get back to where i was before the holidays.
of course working out 3 hours a night is just not possible – but in my head the plan actually works.
lol

i feel terrible about treating my body the way i did over the holidays.  i feel like all the hard, disciplined work was for nothing.
i feel like if i had some self control, all that work would not have been in vain.

but i also feel the need to tell myself to get over it.  yeah, it sucks – i did it to myself – so deal with it.

so i am going to deal with it – and understand that it may take a month of really hard work to reverse everything i did.

i gotta be patient.  i didn’t gain it over night – i am not going to lose it over night.

someone needs to kick me in the ass when i forget that and feel sorry for myself.

i have a date with the elliptical tonight.  i have a feeling it’s going to kill me

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pinterest for the insomniac

i can’t sleep…so what’s a girl to do?

blog but of course.

i spent the whole day in my jammies, eating chinese food, watching girly movies and drinking french beer.  can life get any better than that? i don’t think so!
i am taking advantage of my vacation – before real life begins again.

So in my wide awake state, i was on pinterest and found this poster – and well…i had to share.  i am sure each and every one of you will appreciate this lol

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cold hands, warm heart

before i could barely unpack from Christmas, i was packed and ready for my 4 day road trip.

i was not prepared. lol

we went from temperatures hovering around zero – to temperatures reaching -24.  seriously.  i couldn’t make that up if i tried.
that wasn’t the best part though – our first day on the road was in a kick ass blizzard.  the kind that had me silently praying to god to see tomorrow
it was terrible.
we spent about 6 hours driving in those conditions – talk about white knuckling it!

and it was so much fun!!
is that wrong?

i posted a video of part of the drive on facebook – go on and take a look if you are my friend!

it was cold, i mean Nunavut cold – i didn’t pack accordingly – but i had the best time!!!!!

i ate.  a hell of alot.  i mean i could have won awards….i was bad – and it was oh so good!!!!  look, you only live once…and i lived it UP!

look at a couple of my breakfasts!!!

we had an impromptu meet up with some really good friends – which was wonderful!  the unexpected is always the best!!

i spent 50 bucks on a winter hat and mittens.  i also scored a phone number.  John – oh how i miss him.  he gave me a discount on my items and another free pair of gloves lol
score for my ego!

so this was me prepared to head out doors:  i love my monkey hat!

our last night there we went to a different hotel.  i was wearing my hat, gloves, scarf and was still shaking.  i think the lady felt sorry for me and we got a free room upgrade lol.
i guess i had wimpy tourist written all over me lol

i am exhausted.  i am getting ready to pour myself a glass of wine and then head off to bed.

tomorrow is another crazy busy day.  a big gathering with loved ones to celebrate the new year – and then later in the evening another gathering.
the love never ends.  and the food won’t either!

i am so excited about 2012.  i am not sure why.  i haven’t felt this excited about a new year – in forever.  i can only assume some wonderful, magical things are in the works for me.
i say bring it on.

i don’t make new years resolutions.  i find they stress me out and put too much pressure on me.

i just plan on being the best bee i can be. to love and be loved.  to be kind.  to be generous.  to give of myself what i expect others to give to me.

i just plan on being me.

all the best to all of you for 2012!!  see you in the new year!

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the great weigh in of 2011

i cannot believe a year has gone by…seriously where did 2011 go???

tomorrow is the big day.

yup…it’s the great weigh in of 2011.
i have my physical.
oy.

it’s been at least 10 months since i’ve weighed myself.

i don’t know if i’m nervous or indifferent.
i have such a love hate relationship with numbers i think that any outcome will affect me!!

i still fit into the same clothes as i did last year – so i know i’ve maintained my weight.
i still eat healthy – well for the most part…i can’t remember the last time i had a cheat -oh yes i do…anyways…it was a while ago.  i still work out – although i haven’t had time for the gym as of late.
i suspect the number i will see will be about the same as last year.

last year i asked him not to tell me my exact weight but to just tell me the difference
apparently he didn’t hear that because he just blurted out the number and let me sit in my own trauma

this year i want to know.  i don’t know why…but really it won’t make a difference to me.
i am still going to do what i am doing…i am still going to try to be the best bee that i can be
and that is good enough.
a number is not going to change that.

sure there might be tears and some screaming…
i kid 🙂

i may report back here – i may not
it depends on how badly i’ve been damaged.

i am writing down things i want to discuss as well – priority being these damn headaches – yes…they are still here
funny how the list keeps getting longer the older you get

i am going to work from home tomorrow and try to maintain a zen state.

i’m only half serious…i am not all that concerned about the scale…
or maybe this is the calm before the storm

if you don’t hear from me for a few days send a search party – and make sure they got chocolate!

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let the games begin

the next 2 days are going to be interesting.
by interesting i mean craaaaaaazy.

we have meetings back to back for two days straight.  not just any meeting.  we are talking about pretty much the whole company being flown out to a more central location for these meetings.  all the head honchos from the states are coming in too.
everyone is probably here as i type this.
it’s the type of meeting where you dress a little fancier, watch your p’s and q’s – and apparently refer to some of these higher ups as “Mr. so and so” god forbid you use someones first name.
i’ve debated taking out some of my piercings – but screw that.  this is me – the person they hired.  if they don’t like it – oh well.
(i don’t think anyone i am referring to reads this blog lol – it’s a little too lowly for them anyways)

i looked over my agenda and they never indicated any breathing time.  this is going to be intense!  i am looking forward to putting some faces to voices…and seeing some of my favourite people in the flesh again.
The Hilton by the airport is probably happenin’ tonight.  i am not sorry to be missing the shop talk but a little sorry i will be missing the ever flowing wine.
i think the hotel is completely booked with us.  i opted out of spending the nights there.
a sure sign that i am getting older.  i would rather sleep in my own bed and be in my own home.

so with these meetings comes the what the hell do i eat panic.
i can assure you that when break time comes i will be teased with bagels, muffins, donuts and anything else that is so not carb friendly.

we are getting lunches catered….but they only make exceptions for vegetarians.
this is where i get a little irked.
how hard is it to make someone something without…say rice or pasta?
anyway, i can always just not eat it…but then i hear my Greek mother yelling at me in my mind about all the starving children in the world…
and i swear i can feel her smack me.
true story.

dinner is a buffet so i am sure i can work around that.

the beverages will be flowing – but i feel no pressure partaking in the drinking festivities…as i have to drive home.
oh my boys will be so disappointed in me…
i leave as the real fun begins.

boo.

keep me in your thoughts.  i could snap

i’ll be up extra early tomorrow morning.  first stop – McDonald’s (for coffee) and then Shoppers for some snacks that will hopefully get me through the next 48 hours.

let the games begin!!!

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i suck at this

it was one of those days.
when i say “one of those days” i mean god awful, haven’t felt such a range of emotions in a very long time kind of days.

you know those days…very infrequent and yet when they come, you feel like you just had the wind knocked outta you.

it’s still very much one of those days.

it’s one of those days that start with a middle of the night phone call feeling.
nothing good ever comes out of those phone calls
you wake up disoriented, heart racing, palms sweating, wondering how your life is going to change the moment you say “hello”

yes it was one of those days…

i can’t really get into the details, because it is not my story to tell…and i need to respect those that i love and those that this affects
but it’s safe to say today was not a good day.

i was highly stressed…and when i am highly stressed…i become almost manic.

i can’t sit still, i either don’t eat, but more than likely i eat way more than i should.
i felt like i was hand to mouth all day…and really i probably was…but all the food was on plan…so who cares.
i sat at my desk, but i am not too sure i accomplished much.  i paced the halls, took a million breaks
reorganized my desk about a million times
i had a serious case of vowel movements – yes vowel movements. ( i heard that on the radio and though it clever!!  so much better than verbal diarrhea)
anyways…my poor coworker – she had to listen to me talk…a mile a minute…i musta sounded like i was on crack
but she gets me – and she knows me – and she knew what was going on
so she listened…very very sweet of her

it was already decided before i even got home what it was that i was going to have for dinner
dill pickle chips, chocolate covered almonds and wine.
there was just no use in denying that i was completely in self soothe mode.  i can’t remember honestly when the last time was i did this.

i don’t know how i kept half my brain in tact.  there were no small bags of dill pickle chips – so i woulda had to buy the big one
i decided instead to buy the small bag of regular – equally good.
i bought a small box of chocolates.  not the big ass container beside it.  i don’t know how i did that
i passed by the ben and jerry’s and made my way home.

i ate half the chocolate, and haven’t even touched the chips.
all the chocolate did was make me sleepy and light headed and gave me a serious case of heart burn
i can’t even self soothe properly.
i am almost embarrassed to admit – i really wish i had a salad!!!

my mind is in over drive.  there is so much in there that i swear i smell smoke.
everything that i can think about – i am thinking about

that could be dangerous when i couple these thoughts with the glass or two of red that’s waiting for me.
and there is a Criminal Minds marathon on right now.
this would be a huge score if i wasn’t so blaaahhh.

maybe there will be a buzzed bee post.
nah…i’ll keep those thoughts to myself.

maybe a day at the spa is in order tomorrow….i’ll get my nails did
hope everyone else’s day didn’t suck ass.

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cheating and nightmares

yesterday was a cheat day. not a cheat day, but a cheat dinner.  i had some Chinese food 🙂  it wasn’t a crazy cheat, but it was stuff i normally just don’t eat
it was gooooooood!!

i proceeded to have a rough night.
i will explain.

it doesn’t help that yesterday was a highly emotional day.
i spent the better part of the morning driving like a mad fool – trying to get to someone.
i really believed that someone i love very much was dead.
true story.
and a long story
so i am not even going to get in to it.  but all is well…no one is dead…the world is as it should be
but i gotta tell you, i was left drained.
absolutely exhausted.

enter in Chinese food and well…the rest will make sense.

i had nightmare after nightmare last night.

people that are no longer a part of my life were in my dreams
being rude, mean and bully-like

i dreamt about worms and maggots – millions of them all over the ground
being collected and thrown at me

i dreamt about being chased by people who once were in my life
trying to kill me and hurt me.

i don’t know how many times i woke up last night sweaty and freaked right out!!

every single dream – or should i say nightmare felt real when i woke up and i needed a few minutes to figure out that they were just dreams.

maybe Bill Cosby was on to something.
i remember watching the Cosby show and he couldn’t eat anything late at night that was bad for him cause he wouldn’t be able to sleep well.

i blame the Chinese food.  it was good…but man – not that good!

today i resume my normal life.  Chinese food free.

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