only me

so i gave my body two full days of rest
and decided to test out these legs of mine on day 3

i decided i would walk to a restaurant where i was meeting friends for dinner
it was only 2.5 km’s away
if i was in pain, i could always get a lift home

i am happy to say
no pain at all. i was able to put in two good walks over the weekend
so i have no idea what those shin splints were about

crazy time has started at work again
and i am trying to find ways to keep moving
that’s hard when you have a desk job
and work 12-14-16 hours a day

today i left the house at 6
by the time i got in and changed and ready to relax it was after 9pm
where do i find the motivation to work out
when i just want to stop drop and roll?

but this is the reality of my life
about a week of normalcy and then 3 weeks of utter craziness

it’s just my new normal
and won’t change until they hire someone to help pick up the extra load

i may be wonder woman
but i can’t do this much longer
it’s exhausting, and i have no time to myself. to take care of myself etc

january cannot come soon enough

and now for the TMI portion of the evening

my fitbit is trying to kill me

i have the fitbit one
and it clips nicely and discreetly to my bra
i just put it in the centre and off i go

i guess the other day
i tucked it in more to the left side
snug as a bug
lol

when i got home that night
and got undressed
i felt something wet on my leg

it was blood

not sure what happened
but i think the placement of the fitbit
caused a HUGE blister
smack dab on one of the girls
and when i whipped off the bra
apparently i ripped off the skin
a lot of it

and that’s the story of my fitbit trying to kill me

this is no surprise
if anything weird can happen to me
it will

and it did

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injured

yup
it’s true

i’m an injured bee

i am not sure what happened
but an old injury has decided to come up and bite me in the ass

if you have read my blog
you will know
that i quit running after i got hit by a car
(actually a couple of cars but whose counting)

so many years later i picked up running again
to find myself far away from home
with debilitating pain in my shins

shin splints

they are not for the weak

so i researched how to treat this and was doing well
and then i sprained my ankle and was out of commission for a good year – no joke

since the weather has been unusually nice in my parts
i have been loving getting outdoors for long walks

at first my shins would hurt for the first 10-15 min
and then the pain would disappear
the other night i did a 5k – at a slower pace than usual
because my shins hurt pretty much until i got back home

it was an excruciating walk

i wondered if it could be my shoes
but they are new – and i was fitted for them
so it can’t be that

i guess this old injury has reared it’s nasty head
and that my friends
makes for a very sad bee.

they don’t hurt at all when i am walking casually
it’s just when i pick up my pace
and any slight incline is enough to make me cry

they recommend
not walking for 6-8 WEEKS!
WHAT!!!!!

i cannot do that
but if i don’t do that – i apparently will make it worse
so what am i to do?

my body is literally itching
to get my runners on and go go go
but i don’t know if i should

and really why bother
if i can only go at a normal non sweaty pace?

*insert big fat dramatic sigh here*

it really sucks
because i am going away in a month
and i figured – another month of exercising
may help me drop a couple of pounds
and make me feel a little bit more comfortable in my skin

oh well

i might throw in a Shaun T work out
and see how my legs handle that

woe is me

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i’m a freak

walking out my front door at 6am
and coming back through it at 9 sometimes 10pm
doesn’t give me much time for anything

this has been my life for about 2 months
mostly this past month

work is insane
and i think i am going insane

i can barely get my butt to bed
never mind working out

add to that the element of comfort eating
and well
it’s not pretty

today i decided
work be damned…
and left the office after my normal 8 hour day

i needed a break
i needed time away from there

and i also reallllly needed a bowl of chips to snack on

i decided to drive home
and said to myself
“self….
if you want to snack on chips tonight, you have to walk to the store
and then take the long way back home”

it’s December
it’s windy and cold
and i tend to not go outdoors unless i absolutely have to between November – April

but i wanted those chips

so i bundled myself up
and off i went

wow
who knew something unhealthy
would motivate me to do something healthy?
i assure you, if i were out of lettuce…i’d never leave the house

so 5kms later
i was home, with a bag of chips
chips i have zero interest in snacking on by the way

i got home and turned on the satellite radio
and one of my favourite songs came on

all of a sudden, i am off my couch
dancing around like an idiot

see, this white girl has no rhythm
but i didn’t care
i had the house to myself
i could flop around like a moron all i wanted
no one would know

except the dogs
i am sure they were judging me

next thing i know
a half hour passes
and i am sweating and feeling so freaking amazing

i have been so wound up
so over the top stressed
my body needed this release!!

i just haven’t had any time to be physical
at all

my life is not going to calm down any time soon
but what i learned tonight
is that i need some me time

thanks to NK – for making me see
that if i don’t take time to take care of myself
i can’t take care of what needs to be done

you dear sir
are the reason i danced my zero rhythm ass off

here’s to hoping
that i can get out there again
without chips being my reward

hey it’s a start
but you gotta start somewhere

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learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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a bloody mess

today marks one full month of clean eating

i was tired of repeating the same old pattern

eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe

it’s always the same…and i know better.

but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.

anyway it’s been relatively easy.

i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.

my body is falling apart.
literally.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows

age/stress/hormones/karma

pick one.

all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.

i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.

hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.

it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.

today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner

i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!

so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower

genius!

2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner

it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.

i hope the blood and mess was worth it.

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all a girl needs

is a brand new pair of sexy shoes

(my definition of sexy has changed as i have gotten older lol)

 

last May i went and got fitted for the perfect runners.

i took up running again after 20 years…and my 7 year old runners didn’t cut it

seems my body didn’t want to run as much as my brain wanted to
i had some bad shin splintsi mean crying kinda bad.

so i went and bought a beautiful pair of runners.

170 bucks later…i hit the pavement

my legs felt better…but i will still in a lot of pain.

i got to wear them twice…and then life happened.

i was in the middle of buying a house, packing…moving

all that fun stuff.

once i got settled in to the new house…
i sprained my ankle.  badly.

i gave up on the idea of running…never mind running.  i couldn’t even walk.

almost a year later…and my ankle is still not right.

anyway

once i moved….
my shoes were nowhere to be found
actually…a whole box of shoes…were missing.
somehow they got lost in the move…
just one box.
of course the box with all my most favourite shoes.
you know, the hoochie mamma shoes, work shoes
and these beautiful running shoes i just bought.

i was soooooo very sad.

for my birthday in December, a couple of my wonderful friends got me a gift card
so i could buy a pair of the shoes i lost.i was sooooo happy 🙂

4 months later…i went and purchased said shoes.

they were last years shoe…and so they were almost 50% off.

i bought my new pair of shoes for $1.70.

seriously…it can’t get better than that.

so now i have the shoes

i just need my legs to work
🙂
thank you lovely friends for the gift card!
and here are the sexy beasts
shoes

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long overdue update

as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.

actually that’s a big fat lie.  i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.

i am not a losing bee
i am a gaining bee
and it sucks

let me fill you in since the last post.

pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running

and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.

i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.

i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.

so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.

i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.

i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.

running could wait until that was done.

somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes.  all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii.  where the hell did my wii go?)

granted, i didn’t know it at the time

because then this happened:

foot 2

the cider was just for show 😉

i managed to sprain my ankle.  badly.
i went to urgent care, and they sent me to emergency

they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain

fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.

me thinks i should go get it checked out again.

then i started taking some meds
three different kinds…

and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.

nausea, head spins, exhaustion, dry mouth, moodiness (x1000) and the worst one?
weight gain.

some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus

i would disagree.

then add to this the fact that i quit smoking.  it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)

so just imagine.  moodiness and quitting smoking

i must be a JOY to be around.

and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.

you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap

lather rinse repeat.

i had to go out and buy new clothes.  i am up a size.

and it makes me feel like crap.

i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.

unhealthy isn’t an option.

so.

i started again.

for the past week, my eating has been super clean and i have been going for walks.
my ankle isn’t enjoying it at all
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger

and hopefully thinner

being on these meds tho…i am not sure if weight loss will happen
but it doesn’t hurt to try.

and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.

so that’s my news

what’s new with you?

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couch to 5k

i won’t even go into why i haven’t been here
other than i have been extremely busy with some things…and sedentary with other things

as you can imagine
i am tired of excuses.

not that i am not busy…because i am…

i’ve been struggling to find the time to go to the gym
you know, the one that is two seconds away from my home.

but the truth is…

wait for it…

i don’t like the gym.

the gym feels like a chore.
it doesn’t thrill me or excite me
it makes me dread working out.

i realized i was happiest working out at home or going for my long 5k walks

i realized i am introverted even in my work outs.
i just want to be alone.

i wanted to do something different than just walk…
i enjoy walking but i wanted to push myself more
wanted to burn more calories and feel my body burn
call me weird…but i love that feeling

so i started to run.

if you haven’t read my blog before let me fill you in on why this is a huge deal.

i stopped running many many years ago

dare i say 20?

i used to run.
all the time.

i would wake up at a god awful hour in the morning and go for a run

i loved it.

then i got hit by a car…and it was game over.

i never attempted running again, only because i have been terrified.

see, even sprinting across the street can cause my ankles to lock and make me fall flat on my face.
scary indeed

but something told me to try.

and i did.

i was completely overwhelmed…

it felt amazing, i felt amazing…

am i outta shape?  my god yes.
but not for long
and hey, i have yet to fall on my face (give it time, it’s bound to happen…and i am sure in front of a huge crowd of people, cause that’s how i roll)

i have this awesome app on my phone that tells me what to do
when to run and when to walk
i play my awesome music that makes me want to move

i am alone…in my head…
and on my way to getting fit

i can’t walk right now

i can’t get up off the couch without groaning

but it’s a good pain.
a great pain actually.

i can’t wait to get out there again.
and again.

i think i found my mojo!

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shakin’ mah groove thang

well, back in the summer i wrote about buying a trampoline and a hula hoop
i am afraid to go back to see exactly when i wrote that blog…considering we are pretty much half way through November…
and i just took the trampoline out of my car….last week.
yes – true story. you can’t get any lazier than that i’m afraid.
the box assured me that assembly would be easy. and so i trusted the box
damn box.
i laid everything out – oh so pretty like – see?
the first instruction seemed pretty simple.
put all 5 brackets together to make the frame of the trampoline
done.
then it said to push down on the two gaps until you heard them snap into place
umm – what?
where do i find gaps in a full circle? there are no gaps.
i wrestled with that bloody thing for about an hour. broke out into a sweat even.
i decided that before i started throwing the parts across the room – i should put them away.
so i packed them all back into the box – knowing that i did have the best intentions.
boo – another item in my home that i will never use.
until i came up with the most brilliant idea.
i was visiting friends over the weekend. handy friends actually.
why not take it over there and see if we can all put it together!
ha!
so my friend takes it out of the box – tosses the instructions aside…
and gets going.
in about half an hour – my trampoline is ready.
seriously…i am not that girly. i can put stuff together.
but obviously a trampoline – i cannot.
so i am ready to bounce my ass off – literally.
thanks to my awesome friend for putting it together!!!!!!!
and as for the hula hoop? i still can’t do it.
doesn’t seem to want to circle my hips
damn hula hoop – i will win one day!!!
maybe one day.
lol – yeah ok…
the hula’s kicked my ass – who am i kidding

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finding myself

umm hi
remember me?

i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss

let me tell you something.

i’ve been lost.
so very lost

i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.

i’ve had good intentions.  honestly.

but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.

alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.

i’ve been through some serious life changes.  lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.

it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.

i’ve maintained pretty well considering.

obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.

let me tell you something.  just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.

it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.

i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.

how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?

*sigh*

it’s true…my time is limited.  i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.

i have motivation – somewhere in there

i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.

and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.

i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.

i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.

it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.

it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.

besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.

truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again

i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.

i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.

i just need help.

just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…

if i don’t – evil wins

and i am better than that

better than them.

help me find my mojo?


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