let’s be real

i’ve been gone for a while

it’s what i do

when things are going on – i get gone – if you know what i mean.

the last few months of 2017 were a bit of a shit show

you know, illness, injury, losses
some i knew were coming, and others i was completely blindsided by

then there was the christmas season – that seems to last a lot longer than it should
enter in a birthday (yes i can have cake and sushi and wine and whateverthehelliwant on my birthday)

it was just a horrible, destructive combination

slowly – almost without even realizing it…

i traded in my workouts for lazy nights on the couch
all of a sudden veggies weren’t so appealing – and all i wanted were fries..and naps
i could go on…but i won’t

i will let you in on a little secret

under this tough, bitchy, nothing ever bothers me exterior
this girls got feelings
shhh. don’t tell anyone

i was sad. i was stressed. i was defeated.

and so i do what i always do
i feed my feelings

i fed them all the carbs. alllll the carbs
i gave them love and affection and held them in a big bear hug
in the form of food

enter my Greek mother’s Christmas baking – and damn – that’s like a kiss on my little bruised soul

all the food
all the time

but i recognize it (now)

the damage has been minimal…but it’s still damage

it’s funny to me – the way people cope
how we all cope
our vices may be different – but we all have vices don’t we?

it’s not my first rodeo here (oh and i’ve been watching dr.phil that i pvr’d – perhaps a bit too much)

i am all too familiar with stress…illness..injuries…losses
i mean – it’s life
with the good comes the bad
it’s not like i’m new to this

but i am only human
and sometimes – only sometimes
i get sad
and i throw myself a pity party (albeit a damn long one)

i eat crap – that makes me feel good…for a few moments
only to feel like crap from eating crap

lather rinse repeat

i wasn’t doing my little sad girl feelings any good
i was trying to feel better – feel ok – and i only ended up feeling worse

so i am cleaning out the fridge this weekend
replenishing my good stuff.
to be honest i miss the good stuff

(i’m gonna eat the dill pickle chips though – i can’t throw them away, i’m not a monster)

this isn’t a new years resolution
it’s life
the way i live

i just hit a bit of a bump in the road

this all came to me in the course of an hour
as i was prepping dinner on this unbelievably cold January night

the mother of all comfort foods

mac and cheese

not your average Kraft Dinner – but the real stuff. made from scratch mac and cheese

see? comfort = all the carbs

i’m going to eat it – and i am going to enjoy it

then i’m gonna get my big girl panties on
and kick some serious ass

i did all the feeling – and now it’s time to get back to hardcore bee 😉