learning lessons

i am sure you have heard it said before

“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

that’s me

that’s my life

and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)

when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life

i felt the best i ever have

but i wasn’t completely honest either

i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time

eventually i lost my way

the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating

all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months

my attitude in life is
go big or go home

and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it

when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn

eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating

it’s a vicious cycle

last night i was so depressed with myself
my weight
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life

and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague

i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk

no

a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure

i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing

i read that and i shake my head

no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise

what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?

i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard

although it felt damn good after

it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis

so i made a deal with myself this time around

i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret

i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete

i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul

that message got lost on me somewhere along the way

i need a life i can keep up with

everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
well
it shouldn’t be

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