Monthly Archives: December 2011

cold hands, warm heart

before i could barely unpack from Christmas, i was packed and ready for my 4 day road trip.

i was not prepared. lol

we went from temperatures hovering around zero – to temperatures reaching -24.  seriously.  i couldn’t make that up if i tried.
that wasn’t the best part though – our first day on the road was in a kick ass blizzard.  the kind that had me silently praying to god to see tomorrow
it was terrible.
we spent about 6 hours driving in those conditions – talk about white knuckling it!

and it was so much fun!!
is that wrong?

i posted a video of part of the drive on facebook – go on and take a look if you are my friend!

it was cold, i mean Nunavut cold – i didn’t pack accordingly – but i had the best time!!!!!

i ate.  a hell of alot.  i mean i could have won awards….i was bad – and it was oh so good!!!!  look, you only live once…and i lived it UP!

look at a couple of my breakfasts!!!

we had an impromptu meet up with some really good friends – which was wonderful!  the unexpected is always the best!!

i spent 50 bucks on a winter hat and mittens.  i also scored a phone number.  John – oh how i miss him.  he gave me a discount on my items and another free pair of gloves lol
score for my ego!

so this was me prepared to head out doors:  i love my monkey hat!

our last night there we went to a different hotel.  i was wearing my hat, gloves, scarf and was still shaking.  i think the lady felt sorry for me and we got a free room upgrade lol.
i guess i had wimpy tourist written all over me lol

i am exhausted.  i am getting ready to pour myself a glass of wine and then head off to bed.

tomorrow is another crazy busy day.  a big gathering with loved ones to celebrate the new year – and then later in the evening another gathering.
the love never ends.  and the food won’t either!

i am so excited about 2012.  i am not sure why.  i haven’t felt this excited about a new year – in forever.  i can only assume some wonderful, magical things are in the works for me.
i say bring it on.

i don’t make new years resolutions.  i find they stress me out and put too much pressure on me.

i just plan on being the best bee i can be. to love and be loved.  to be kind.  to be generous.  to give of myself what i expect others to give to me.

i just plan on being me.

all the best to all of you for 2012!!  see you in the new year!

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i finally found it!

Christmas spirit.

it wasn’t in the gifts…or under the tree.

it wasn’t in my niece literally freaking out when she opened the gifts i got her – although i gotta say the joy in that little girl didn’t hurt.
it wasn’t about the monetary value of everything i was given – although i was spoiled rotten this year.

i guess i had always looked in those places for some sort of fulfilment.
but it was always anti climactic.  there has always been such a build up to the one day…so much rushing around…so much money to be spent, for literally minutes of gratification.
it’s always been a let down.
not that it wasn’t nice…because Christmas has always been “nice”.  just not as amazingly awesome as people build it up to be.

no, i never really found the Christmas spirit.

but i did this year.

i found it in my family…both blood, and the family i have created.
i found it around the dinner table – gathered around so many people i love…and that love me.
i found it in the conversation, in my fathers eyes…my mothers smile.
in the strangers we welcomed with open arms to our home.
i found it in all the children…all the new additions to my family –  blood and my own.

i found it when my niece jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck and said “auntie bee, i love you so much…you are my best friend”
long after the gifts had been unwrapped.
i found it in my nephews smile the moment he laid his eyes on me…reaching out for me to hold him
i found it when my niece only wanted me to take her potty…and kissed me and said thank you.
i found it in the card she signed all by herself.

i found Christmas spirit when i cooked dinner tonight.  sure, the turkey was already made…but i made the rest of it  and i felt great doing so.
sitting in love – enjoying this time…because this is a memory…a moment i can look back on and smile…and remember the overwhelming love i felt in that very moment – 20 years later.

i didn’t count carbs, calories, obsess about when i would find time to go to the gym.
i didn’t care that all the food i have consumed over these past weeks would result in junk in my trunk, and make my clothes snug.

i learned this year, the spirit of the season.
it’s about the people who surround you…it’s about the people that love you…and that you love.

none of these people care about the size of my waist, or the calories i count.  they care about me.  just me.  and what a wonderful feeling that is.

this year i felt a sense of peace that i have never felt before.  a feeling of such extreme love for those in my life, i could never write down in words.
it’s just unexplainable.
i am at a loss for words…and that’s ok.  because this feeling inside me – is not for me to explain…it’s for me to enjoy and appreciate.
i am such a very lucky girl.  it amazes me how lucky i really am.

this my friends is Christmas spirit.

the Christmas joy continues…the next few days will no doubt be equally amazing.

for once in my life…i can honestly say, i love Christmas.
and it had nothing to do with the presents under the tree.

it’s about love.  true honest love.
how simple is that???
how did i not get that?

tomorrow i travel a couple of hours to see my best friend – an extension of my already crazy big family.
i can’t wait.

i hope your Christmas was beautiful as mine.
it just keeps getting better.

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i just can’t wait!

i wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

i won’t be around for a while, i will be celebrating the holidays with my family and then i am heading off on a road trip!  i am SOOOO excited!

this past month there hasn’t been much to write about over here.  i’ve been rather open with my diet and not so present at the gym.
i decided not to even begin stressing about it – i have my whole life – and right now over Christmas – i am just living.
the gym will be there in the new year, and so will my new mind set.

2012 is right around the corner.  i get very excited about New Years.  It means new beginnings to me.  New Hope.  New Life.
i am very excited about a clean slate!!!

I will be conquering my Zumba fear in 2012 – and continuing my healthy life style with new motivation.
I am so excited about what the New Year will bring.  to me that is better than Christmas.

May you all have a safe and happy holiday and love your loved ones!!

I receive emails from a website called bravegirlsclub.  i love getting emails from them almost as much as i love getting them from the universe.
the one i got this morning seems very fitting.  a wonderful reminder as the New Year sweeps in.

Dear Beloved Girl,

When we have old things in our hands that we are afraid of being without, with our fists tightly clenched around those things…and we walk around fearing what will happen if we ever open our hands and let those things go…when we worry whether or not anything else will make it’s way into our lives…if we will ever have enough…if our hands will always remain empty if we open them and let the old clenched stuff go………..if we keep doing that, we will NEVER be able to grasp onto what is meant for us.

What is done is done. What is over is over. We are meant to move forward, we are meant to progress. Everything natural and beautiful and true and living was designed to constantly be renewing itself, progressing, living living living and then dying….going on to the next step of it’s life cycle. When we clench old things in our hands, we prevent new things from being able to hold hands with us. New experiences, new things to learn, new relationships, new things that we don’t even know exist yet.

Today is a great day to finally let go. It will be ok. In fact……..it will be incredible.It might hurt for a minute, just like all endings do…….but the new beginning that is just behind the ending (the ending that is long past due) is where the miracles are. Hold on to that hope…but let the rest go.

Let it go.It is time.
You are so very very very loved.

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one year later

it was one year ago today, i was officially on vacation.

it was one year ago today that our Cody bear passed away suddenly while on a walk.

it doesn’t feel like a year – it feels like only yesterday.  we still miss her…we still wish that she were here.

this is what comes to mind as i sit here…on my first day of vacation…one year later.

 

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the saddest story ever told

every special holiday – ex: Christmas, Thanksgiving etc…
the kitchen makes us an extra special lunch.
turkey with all the fixings!!!!
my coworkers are like family to me.  we are a very small group and i’d like to think we are close.
(if cookie monster is reading this you best be agreeing with me lol)

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So today was the day.
the special turkey day.

3 of my coworkers had their annual staff lunch planned for today…so they couldn’t make it.
cookie monster was stuck on a phone call…
and considering today is one of the busiest days of the week for me – i had a very small window available for lunch.

woe is me.

i had lunch at my desk – all alone.
by myself.
do you hear the violins???? lol

meh, that’s not the sad part really – i eat at my desk alone often.
i am just too busy to actually go downstairs and chill.
now that’s sad.

but what’s even sadder???

my lunch.

it was so sad i couldn’t even bring myself to take a picture.

for lunch i had turkey – and brussels sprouts…
that’s it.
that’s all.

there was no stuffing, or mashed potatoes with gravy.

turkey without stuffing is like….
Christmas with no presents
birthdays with no cake
ying with no yang

get it?

we also got 3 baby cupcakes for dessert. and noooo of course i didn’t eat them.
i brought them up stairs and left them on my bff’s desk.
she will appreciate them…and she’ll yell at me for trying to make her fat
it’s a win win situation.

and so this is my sad, sad story about my sad, sad lunch
surely you ache for my sadness yes?

skin and bones

i was playing around on YouTube tonight…as i often do…and i discovered this song.

i think every teenager /young adult with a poor body image needs to hear this.  this song literally gave me shivers – not so much because of the music, but because of the lyrics.  i am sure 99% of the world can relate to this at some point in their lives.

Skin and Bones
I lock the door
 Turn all the water on
 And bury that sound
 So no one hears anything anymore
 Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see
 Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
 I know you can feel all the things you steal
 And you're taking, you're taking it

 Feeling so easy
 Make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 You break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where the hell have you been?

 Well sometimes it burns
 Baby I'll wash it out
 It all looks so big
 Never mind, I don't feel anything

 It only hurt a bit
 I still feel like shit
 And I think you won't be able to recognize me now
 It's easier to quit
 It's harder to admit and
 You're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me!

 Feeling so easy
 Make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 You break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where have you been?

 'cause you always win
 And you... yeah!

 Laughin' like it works
 Bleeding like it don't hurt
 Knock you off your feet
 Even if you need me
 Tear you apart and I hate how I need you

 Feeling too easy, make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 Break like it's even
 When you're leaving

 It's too fucking easy, make me skin and bones
 I'm always on my knees for you
 Break like it's even
 When you're leaving it
 Thin, where have you been?

 'cause you always win, and you always win, you always win
 I will burn all this 
Marianas Trench

you can watch the video here

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it’s all about me

today was a perfect Sunday – i made it all about me.

I may regret that as the week goes on, but i needed a day that didn’t involve cooking or house cleaning, laundry and sweating my butt off at the gym (although the latter has been at the bottom of my priority list as of late)
there was no way i was going to attempt Christmas shopping – i did that yesterday and ended up in a foul mood.  not even 15 minutes into my shopping i was telling off a lady.  who needs to be that angry?
anyways – that’s a blog for another day and another place.
i will get the rest of my presents when my vacation begins.

the day began with a much needed sleep in – all the critters pretty much allowed me a decent sleep.  that never happens.

so the day started off with brunch.  considering it was well into the afternoon and i hadn’t had anything to eat – of course the whole menu looked amazing.  do you know that this place makes smores pancakes???????
the fat girl in me begged for me to order those…until of course she saw the BLT with sweet potato fries.  i swear she drooled.

the skinny bitch in me took over – how she got control over the situation is beyond me….

anyways, for brunch today i had 7 grain pancakes with flax seed – and sugar free maple syrup.

i had never had that before – and truth be told i probably never will again.  lol

they were great when they were fresh – but once they got a little cold – it was – well it was…gross.  there is no other word i could use.

but you know what?  if i had the BLT with sweet potato fries – i would have spent the rest of my day feeling guilty and beating myself up.
that doesn’t sound like the best way to spend my all about me day!!

then i went and had a manicure – swoon.
this time a guy did it.  the hand massage felt “weird” – i’ve never had a man give me a manicure before.
he was tough and aggressive…no other way to explain.  his hands were rough and “manly”
i am used to a woman giving me my manicures – it was odd but he did an amazing job

the rest of the day was low key – connected with a few people and had a late afternoon nap.

now… what to have for dinner??

i think  a hot bubble bath is in order 🙂

i was debating going out for a few drinks – but that’s undecided.  maybe i will, maybe i won’t.
the point is – it’s all about me…and i’ll do whatever i want.

back to the real, cruel world tomorrow!

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tough bitch

if you look over to the right of my blog – i’ve put in a search option.
i figured, i have about 450 posts and alot of people probably don’t have the desire to search for something specific page by page.
god knows i don’t!  so voila the search button!

that’s all i really have to say tonight…lol

but i leave you with this quote that i found – on pinterest but of course.  hope you are all having an awesome weekend!!

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smoke and mirrors – a repost

Considering i have over 400 posts on my blog – i thought i’d bring an oldie back…chances are a lot of you have never read it – and a lot of you don’t remember it…
i may do this once and a while when i feel i have nothing to say 🙂

Smoke and Mirrors – June 2010

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!

And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat. Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking! Where’s the fat???

If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years. Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat. I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely. I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat. Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I was fat. Fat for me. I had never ever been the size that I was then. So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart. For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird. I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb. I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues. 40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all. In 3 months…it was gone. Poof… like magic. I won’t lie. It was easy then. So unbelievably easy. I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though. In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee. I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say. In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier.

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.

But I did. And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery. He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.

I was so embarrassed. He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone. He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”

Things like that…just always floored me.

My European mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight. I even went braless!!! These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did. It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.

But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style. I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating. Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo. Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.

And now this time around, it’s harder. It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast. And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet. Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again. I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today. I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people. I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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a rant and a wish

for the past week or so – i’ve been having issues with my coffee.

every time i purchase a coffee from McDonalds lately, i end up wearing some of it!  there seems to be a slight leak under the lid.
it’s just bloody annoying.  i can understand it happening every now and then..but every single cup i buy?

i was driving into work this morning – enjoying the music and the commute – i get to work and out of the car…look down at my beautiful white, crisp blouse – and i am covered in coffee.  thank god i keep a sweater at work.
i continue to drink my coffee only to see drops on my desk and on my pants.
i shake my fist at you McDonalds – i am starting to love your coffee less.  i mean it was your lids that won me over in the first place.
And i know it’s not me…a friend in Florida said the same thing is happening to her.

yesterday i got off work a little early and was dying for a coffee…so i picked one up.  i got home and went to pick up the cup by the lid – and my whole coffee ended up behind my car.
don’t make me go back to Timmies – i really don’t want to!!

bah – rant over.

I’ve been on a gift giving mission these days.  who am i gifting?  myself!!

a couple of weeks ago i bought myself this beautiful burnt orange leather jacket from Danier.  it is gorgeous and i did need a fall jacket.  so i splurged.
then i decided to gift myself with a tablet.  why not?  i’ve been saving up cash for a while now and my birthday and Christmas is coming up – so i deserve the treat.

now i am trying to talk myself out of another purchase for myself.  well, at least hold off until the new year.  but i want it so bad i don’t know if i can talk myself out of it!!
i’ve mentioned it here before that i really want to get an Ab Doer Twist.  Badly. i think it would be a great addition to my work outs!!!
I can never concentrate enough on my abs and any little bit would help.

I doubt Santa will be bringing this little gem to my house – so sometimes a girls’ gotta take care of herself.

i mean look at it!  Ab Doer Twist – you are my Christmas wish.

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