Daily Archives: November 27, 2011

i chickened out

soooo
i sent an email to the Zumba instructor telling her that i couldn’t make it for tomorrow night.
i did however mention that i was very interested and if she could offer me a different night…i would love to come.

i didn’t lie lie.
perhaps just a little white one.

i really am not available to go tomorrow night.  why you might ask?
my anxiety about doing this is through the roof.
i mean palms are sweating, heart is racing…i feel shaky and sick to my stomach.
and this is something i’ve been dying to do for over a year.

i am telling you – that first gym i joined back in the stone ages really did a number on me.
that is why i am still amazed to this day that i can go to my current gym on my own.
don’t let me fool you…there are days i walk in there and i feel sick…and sometimes it takes everything i have not to walk outta there…
but i don’t.

these are the things i don’t divulge on my blog – which maybe i should – because maybe someone will tell me i am not alone.
because i really feel alone in this anxiety.

i don’t know if i mentioned my first ever gym experience.
i would walk past it in a hurried pace, and even manage to have full blown panic attacks.  back in the day it was more often than not that i would experience panic attacks
the gym was full of higher up management, who wore the best of the best and applied fresh make up for their workouts.
they would eye you up and down – and especially liked to look at you when you were naked – getting changed into your lower class work out gear.
it was horrible.  the whispers, the smirks.
thank god i had a huge crush on someone at the gym – because that’s all that got me to go there as much as i did.
as i probably don’t need to mention to you – i stopped going.  i kept paying but i stopped going.

I have accomplished much in terms of my anxiety when it comes to all things gym related
i mean i actually go to a gym…hello.  i don’t think people pay attention to me there…and that’s what i like.
i get on a bike or an elliptical – and use a quiet room for weights – which i should also mention – if there are too many women in the room i don’t do the weights.
yes, my anxiety still exists.

Zumba is a whole other ball of wax.  You are putting a woman who has no rhythm in a dance type kind of class.
i have zero rhythm people.  other than chair dancing but of course – or when i’ve had a few drinks i really believe i have a crap load of rhythm!!

i digress.

i am not giving up.  i just need time.
i sent off the email cancelling tomorrow night with the intention of going to the next class.  and i will.
i just chickened out.
and now i think i just feel worse.

wordpress counter



Site Meter