Monthly Archives: November 2011

the bee special – pics

this is what i had for lunch today:

it’s not always the same thing.  today i had ham…but i sometimes have egg salad or chicken salad.  today it was coleslaw – i usually have fresh veggies.
and yes, that is one pickle on my salad.  i tend to go a little crazy with pickles so i just have one for the sake of having one.

And of course my cucumber sandwich that has won everyone in the office over.

don’t worry – my hands are clean.  besides it’s going into my mouth anyways!

i could eat that every single day of my life – and i pretty much do Monday through Friday.

thought you’d like to see what the bee special actually looked like!  did you notice how all my food is separated?  issues much? lol

hungry?

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the results are in

so today was the day.

the big weigh in.

it’s the very first thing i do even before i step into the room – i get on the dreaded scale.
every time i ask him if i should take my shoes off.  every time he says no.
every time i say take five pounds off the final tally
and every time he laughs – as if i kid.

i held my breath and got on…and he adjusted the weights and voila – there was my current weight.

how much do i weigh?

well i am not going to tell you that!!!

i did gain weight though.  i had a feeling that would be the outcome.
how much weight did i gain you ask?

are you ready?

i

gained

0.5 pounds.

yup, i gained half a pound since last year.

to be fair…after my doctor’s appointment last year i do believe i dropped another 2 pounds.
so i’ve gained a couple of pounds.

i have basically maintained my weight for a whole year – if not longer actually.
that brings me immense pleasure, because that means i am being smart…i think i finally know how to stay on track…
even if there are a few slips along the way.

as my good friend pointed out to me – she told me to not even worry about a couple of pounds
because i’ve been doing weights for just under a year, and i was warned by my personal trainer that i would see the scale go up

and up it went.  half a pound.
half a pound!!!

i am feeling good about it 🙂

everything else about me is awesome – although i still have to get blood work done.

he wants me to get my eyes checked ASAP – he think we should rule out eye strain for my headaches
sure it’s been about 12 years since i’ve had my eyes checked but i think they are just fine!

he’s booking me an MRI – just to make sure my brain looks sexy and awesome.
he asked if i was claustrophobic
and i said oh hell yes…because i am, very much so.

the kind doctor who knows i am not into pill popping gave me a prescription for Ativan – suggested it would be a good idea to take before the MRI

also knowing that i have quite the intolerance for meds – he let out a chuckle and said i should do a test run and take a pill at home before the appointment
haha – funny man.

good thing i love him – and good thing i am so blessed to have a doctor who actually knows me and my body.

i will most certainly do a test run at home.  anyone wanna come over and get stoned with me?  my doc says it’s all good.

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the great weigh in of 2011

i cannot believe a year has gone by…seriously where did 2011 go???

tomorrow is the big day.

yup…it’s the great weigh in of 2011.
i have my physical.
oy.

it’s been at least 10 months since i’ve weighed myself.

i don’t know if i’m nervous or indifferent.
i have such a love hate relationship with numbers i think that any outcome will affect me!!

i still fit into the same clothes as i did last year – so i know i’ve maintained my weight.
i still eat healthy – well for the most part…i can’t remember the last time i had a cheat -oh yes i do…anyways…it was a while ago.  i still work out – although i haven’t had time for the gym as of late.
i suspect the number i will see will be about the same as last year.

last year i asked him not to tell me my exact weight but to just tell me the difference
apparently he didn’t hear that because he just blurted out the number and let me sit in my own trauma

this year i want to know.  i don’t know why…but really it won’t make a difference to me.
i am still going to do what i am doing…i am still going to try to be the best bee that i can be
and that is good enough.
a number is not going to change that.

sure there might be tears and some screaming…
i kid 🙂

i may report back here – i may not
it depends on how badly i’ve been damaged.

i am writing down things i want to discuss as well – priority being these damn headaches – yes…they are still here
funny how the list keeps getting longer the older you get

i am going to work from home tomorrow and try to maintain a zen state.

i’m only half serious…i am not all that concerned about the scale…
or maybe this is the calm before the storm

if you don’t hear from me for a few days send a search party – and make sure they got chocolate!

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i chickened out

soooo
i sent an email to the Zumba instructor telling her that i couldn’t make it for tomorrow night.
i did however mention that i was very interested and if she could offer me a different night…i would love to come.

i didn’t lie lie.
perhaps just a little white one.

i really am not available to go tomorrow night.  why you might ask?
my anxiety about doing this is through the roof.
i mean palms are sweating, heart is racing…i feel shaky and sick to my stomach.
and this is something i’ve been dying to do for over a year.

i am telling you – that first gym i joined back in the stone ages really did a number on me.
that is why i am still amazed to this day that i can go to my current gym on my own.
don’t let me fool you…there are days i walk in there and i feel sick…and sometimes it takes everything i have not to walk outta there…
but i don’t.

these are the things i don’t divulge on my blog – which maybe i should – because maybe someone will tell me i am not alone.
because i really feel alone in this anxiety.

i don’t know if i mentioned my first ever gym experience.
i would walk past it in a hurried pace, and even manage to have full blown panic attacks.  back in the day it was more often than not that i would experience panic attacks
the gym was full of higher up management, who wore the best of the best and applied fresh make up for their workouts.
they would eye you up and down – and especially liked to look at you when you were naked – getting changed into your lower class work out gear.
it was horrible.  the whispers, the smirks.
thank god i had a huge crush on someone at the gym – because that’s all that got me to go there as much as i did.
as i probably don’t need to mention to you – i stopped going.  i kept paying but i stopped going.

I have accomplished much in terms of my anxiety when it comes to all things gym related
i mean i actually go to a gym…hello.  i don’t think people pay attention to me there…and that’s what i like.
i get on a bike or an elliptical – and use a quiet room for weights – which i should also mention – if there are too many women in the room i don’t do the weights.
yes, my anxiety still exists.

Zumba is a whole other ball of wax.  You are putting a woman who has no rhythm in a dance type kind of class.
i have zero rhythm people.  other than chair dancing but of course – or when i’ve had a few drinks i really believe i have a crap load of rhythm!!

i digress.

i am not giving up.  i just need time.
i sent off the email cancelling tomorrow night with the intention of going to the next class.  and i will.
i just chickened out.
and now i think i just feel worse.

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zumba baby

i feel like i haven’t been here in forever
has it been that long or are the days flying by at warp speed?
either way – it feels like forever.

life has been busy.  but then again what’s new right? seems like that’s the story of my life lately.

i have been too busy to even get my butt to the gym lately…that’s how busy i’ve been,  every time i plan on heading there
something happens.  and no, it’s never all that good.

the past couple of weeks have been a blur, but i am hoping things are going to get better!!!

my poor baby kitten is at the vet.
i got home last night and noticed she was limping.  then her limping turned into – just not walking.  at all.
everytime i put her on her little feet, she would just lie down.  all she did was sleep.
i thought for sure one of my other critters got to her…and so i gave them attitude all night…
i contemplated taking her to emerg…but i thought i’d wait till the morning.

so we went to the vet this morning…and he couldn’t figure out why she “couldn’t” walk etc
till he took her temperature.
my baby has a fever of 105!!!!!  he had to ice her…and give her fluids.  so no she wasn’t hurt…
she wasn’t walking because she just couldn’t move.
my poor baby
as of this moment i am told her fever is gone…and i will get to take her home with me tomorrow

sigh.
i miss her so.

on to other news more blog related…i decided to take things into my own hands
i’ve been saying that i want to take Zumba classes forever now and haven’t done a thing about it.
well a couple of weeks ago after looking on line for what seemed like forever…i found something local (which believe it or not is not that easy to do)
i mean a 10 min drive away.
so i sent the instructor an email and waited and waited and waited.
well…she got back to me tonight!  turns out she missed my email – how she has no clue
anyways – she has invited me out to her class to try it for FREE!  first class is on her!!  i think – wait…i know that i am going to say yes!
i am kind of excited about it!  it’s really late at night though so that may be a struggle, but i am normally up till the wee hours so really, i’ll be doing something productive

anyone here ever Zumba?  you likey like?

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i am alive!!!

i am alive!

i survived the meetings – barely!

the days were long and exhausting.  Tuesday started at 6am and i didn’t arrive home until about 8:30 that night.
Repeat again the next day.

i was on information overload.  I learned alot which is always a good thing…i was always on my best behaviour – because i am a good girl like that 🙂
lol, never mind, being on my best behaviour took alot outta me too.

I don’t think i have recovered completely yet – but the weekend is fast approaching and i see sleeping in in my near future.

on the agenda that we received, it said that breakfast would be “served” at 7:30.
when i read that i assumed it was a hot breakfast and there would be items there that i would be able to eat…as did other people.
i should never assume.  the only hot item there was coffee.
breakfast consisted of bagels. croissants, muffins, donuts and cookies i believe.
that table was a vision of health let me tell you.
i was prepared though and had brought snack size bags of nuts.

To my surprise my lunches were low carb!  Sure they had carbolicious items on the buffet, but there was enough salad, steamed veggies and meat to do the trick!!!
and dinner was much of the same!!!

Here i was thinking that i would have nothing to eat…and after every meal i was full and content.

big score!!!

on to other news…my face seems to be reliving it’s teenage years.  isn’t clear skin one of the benefits of getting older?
ugh – i wish the rest of my body wanted to relive it’s teenage years…i would gladly walk around in my 17 year old rockin’ body any day!!!

that’s my update.  not much i know – but i thought i’d let you all know that i am alive!!

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let the games begin

the next 2 days are going to be interesting.
by interesting i mean craaaaaaazy.

we have meetings back to back for two days straight.  not just any meeting.  we are talking about pretty much the whole company being flown out to a more central location for these meetings.  all the head honchos from the states are coming in too.
everyone is probably here as i type this.
it’s the type of meeting where you dress a little fancier, watch your p’s and q’s – and apparently refer to some of these higher ups as “Mr. so and so” god forbid you use someones first name.
i’ve debated taking out some of my piercings – but screw that.  this is me – the person they hired.  if they don’t like it – oh well.
(i don’t think anyone i am referring to reads this blog lol – it’s a little too lowly for them anyways)

i looked over my agenda and they never indicated any breathing time.  this is going to be intense!  i am looking forward to putting some faces to voices…and seeing some of my favourite people in the flesh again.
The Hilton by the airport is probably happenin’ tonight.  i am not sorry to be missing the shop talk but a little sorry i will be missing the ever flowing wine.
i think the hotel is completely booked with us.  i opted out of spending the nights there.
a sure sign that i am getting older.  i would rather sleep in my own bed and be in my own home.

so with these meetings comes the what the hell do i eat panic.
i can assure you that when break time comes i will be teased with bagels, muffins, donuts and anything else that is so not carb friendly.

we are getting lunches catered….but they only make exceptions for vegetarians.
this is where i get a little irked.
how hard is it to make someone something without…say rice or pasta?
anyway, i can always just not eat it…but then i hear my Greek mother yelling at me in my mind about all the starving children in the world…
and i swear i can feel her smack me.
true story.

dinner is a buffet so i am sure i can work around that.

the beverages will be flowing – but i feel no pressure partaking in the drinking festivities…as i have to drive home.
oh my boys will be so disappointed in me…
i leave as the real fun begins.

boo.

keep me in your thoughts.  i could snap

i’ll be up extra early tomorrow morning.  first stop – McDonald’s (for coffee) and then Shoppers for some snacks that will hopefully get me through the next 48 hours.

let the games begin!!!

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i suck at this

it was one of those days.
when i say “one of those days” i mean god awful, haven’t felt such a range of emotions in a very long time kind of days.

you know those days…very infrequent and yet when they come, you feel like you just had the wind knocked outta you.

it’s still very much one of those days.

it’s one of those days that start with a middle of the night phone call feeling.
nothing good ever comes out of those phone calls
you wake up disoriented, heart racing, palms sweating, wondering how your life is going to change the moment you say “hello”

yes it was one of those days…

i can’t really get into the details, because it is not my story to tell…and i need to respect those that i love and those that this affects
but it’s safe to say today was not a good day.

i was highly stressed…and when i am highly stressed…i become almost manic.

i can’t sit still, i either don’t eat, but more than likely i eat way more than i should.
i felt like i was hand to mouth all day…and really i probably was…but all the food was on plan…so who cares.
i sat at my desk, but i am not too sure i accomplished much.  i paced the halls, took a million breaks
reorganized my desk about a million times
i had a serious case of vowel movements – yes vowel movements. ( i heard that on the radio and though it clever!!  so much better than verbal diarrhea)
anyways…my poor coworker – she had to listen to me talk…a mile a minute…i musta sounded like i was on crack
but she gets me – and she knows me – and she knew what was going on
so she listened…very very sweet of her

it was already decided before i even got home what it was that i was going to have for dinner
dill pickle chips, chocolate covered almonds and wine.
there was just no use in denying that i was completely in self soothe mode.  i can’t remember honestly when the last time was i did this.

i don’t know how i kept half my brain in tact.  there were no small bags of dill pickle chips – so i woulda had to buy the big one
i decided instead to buy the small bag of regular – equally good.
i bought a small box of chocolates.  not the big ass container beside it.  i don’t know how i did that
i passed by the ben and jerry’s and made my way home.

i ate half the chocolate, and haven’t even touched the chips.
all the chocolate did was make me sleepy and light headed and gave me a serious case of heart burn
i can’t even self soothe properly.
i am almost embarrassed to admit – i really wish i had a salad!!!

my mind is in over drive.  there is so much in there that i swear i smell smoke.
everything that i can think about – i am thinking about

that could be dangerous when i couple these thoughts with the glass or two of red that’s waiting for me.
and there is a Criminal Minds marathon on right now.
this would be a huge score if i wasn’t so blaaahhh.

maybe there will be a buzzed bee post.
nah…i’ll keep those thoughts to myself.

maybe a day at the spa is in order tomorrow….i’ll get my nails did
hope everyone else’s day didn’t suck ass.

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