today – my heart hurts

my morning ritual is to catch up on world events…and so i go on line.
99% of the time i find myself sighing and asking myself what has this world come to?

a couple of days ago i watched the most heartbreaking video of a 2 year old girl in China being run over by two trucks.  the first one ran over her with the front tires…and then paused…then proceeded to run her over – ever so slowly with the back tires.  no one helped her.  no one helped her.
people walked by, biked by – and did nothing to help her.

today i read about a young boy named Jamie Hubley.

Jamie was 15 – and committed suicide a few days ago.
the reason?  bullying.

on this young boys blog he wrote of his severe depression, his cutting, how he didn’t want to live anymore…and finally a short suicide note…
how he couldn’t possibly wait 3 years (to be out of high school) for life to get better.

when i was a kid…i went through stuff.  i think almost all kids do.  i remember being depressed and hating my life…and i remember thinking to myself – that i would never forget what it felt like to be a kid in the throws of turmoil.
but i think a big part of me did.

i was never a victim of excessive bullying.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  i had an older brother who paved the way for me in high school – and so no one dared to bother me.
i also was never a bully.  i don’t recall ever being cruel or hateful to anyone in school.  sure there were people i didn’t like – there were kids i made fun of behind their backs…but i am pretty sure i was never cruel.
there was a period back in grade school…where a “friend” and i would fight every recess and get sent to the principles office…
and i went through a phase where i would fight boys until they would be my boyfriend – but i am unsure if that was bullying or flirting….or just normal

i read some of this boy’s blog today.  every entry, every picture….every single word was a desperate cry for help.
he was cutting himself – even his face….
i wonder – did anyone really try to help him?
if you saw a child walking around (and yes, Jamie was a child) – with self harm marks all over their body – do you not help? or do you assume that this kid just wants attention??
his blog screams “help me” – posts are tagged with “suicide” – and now he’s gone.

his family will never know what kind of man he would grow up to be.
Jamie will never know that yes, things do get better.  he will never get the opportunity to grow and become what he was intended to be in this world.

this has left me sitting here crying.  crying for a child i never knew.
crying for all the lost possibility
crying for his desperation, his depression…his final act.

i don’t get it.  maybe i am not supposed to.
has bullying changed since i was a kid?  has it become more aggressive?  more unbearable?
or is it simply how someone reacts to it – since we are not all built the same.

i am really bothered by this today.  i am affected….
and so i am writing about this here – hoping that it reaches as many people as it possibly can.
this should not happen to one more child.

i hope my nieces and my nephews – and any children i may have…never ever feel this hopeless, this desperate.
this makes me want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them from all the evil in the world.

i’m sorry for this downer post – but life is not all rainbows and sunshine is it…just ask Jamie’s family.

to read about Jamie – please click here. – and pass it on.

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One thought on “today – my heart hurts

  1. Susan

    I share your despair. It reaches clear to the heavens, actually. Why is the world so cruel…no answers, Bee. There is always a counterpoint of goodness…I hope. But recently, it’s been pretty ugly.

    The only thing to do is to do good on an individual basis, I suppose. Maybe. Feel better…look at your own goodness and keep shining.

    Reply

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