Monthly Archives: October 2011

lead me not into temptation

it’s Halloween night.

you’d think this would be a dieters worst nightmare come to life.
it sure can be.

not in my life tho.

where i live, kids are not allowed to go door to door.
instead, we buy treats for the kids and they are given to the little trick-or-treaters in the lobby.

the down side to this is you don’t get to see the little ones all dressed up
something about little cutie pies all dressed up makes my uterus ache.

the upside?
no chocolate in the house…which means  zero temptation to eat a butt load of sugar just ’cause it’s there…and more importantly no middle of the night sleep eating (yes there is a post somewhere on this blog about that)
sooooo i get to watch my Sara Bareilles on tv with no interruptions (insert squishy swoony face here)

i don’t know why – but i don’t even have the desire to eat crap.  someone actually brought in chocolates to work – and i had none
although i forced my coworker to eat a peanut butter cup for me – i wanted to live vicariously through his taste buds.
apparently i enjoyed it very much – although i am desperately sorry i had to force my coworker into the empty calories

Happy Halloween everyone!

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i’m a loser

and it feels good!!

after about a month of being on track – and as healthy as i can be…
i feel i can breathe a little better.

my clothes are fitting right once again…i don’t feel like a bloated fat mess anymore
i feel like me again
thank god.

i was on a very slippery slope a couple of months back
diving right back into my old patterns, my old behaviours
the only difference this time is – i stopped it – quickly.

i could have sat in that space – and made up excuse after excuse why i just couldn’t do it anymore
fall into that old familiar cycle.
you know the one.  you get depressed – so you eat.  it feels good at the time – and then you get depressed cause you are gaining weight – so you eat to feed the depression.
a merry go round of destructive behaviour.

it’s all bullshit.
i can talk myself out of anything…or into anything
call it a gift…
so i went the extra mile and talked myself back to where i needed to be…
and today i am so happy i did.

i am back baby.
true – the gym has been a little sporadic lately.  i am still going but not as often as i’d like.
i am a busy girl and i think i just set my expectations too high.  it’s that go big or go home attitude.
i can’t be at the gym every day.  it’s just no feasible.
i can’t be everywhere at once…and so i needed to slow things down.
that’s ok.  i go when i go.  at least i go.

so today i walked into the office…and my bff brought me a gift
a sinful gift at that
a chai latte from Starbucks.  oh mah gawd.
i probably haven’t had a chai latte in well over a year.

when i woke up this morning i was debating what was more important to get done today
laundry or the gym?
laundry was winning the race until the chai latte

tonight it’s the gym….
because i am on a losing streak kids…i am getting rid of those stupid summer pounds…
i am a loser and i love it!

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she chose me

i have been busy lately.  really busy.

busy with what you ask?

ohhhh…just falling in love.

hey…i wasn’t looking for love.  you know how it is….love finds you when you aren’t looking and smacks you upside the head.
oh love.

she was persistent.  she wouldn’t take no for an answer.  she touched my face and kissed me – and i was done.  looking into those eyes of hers sealed the deal.
i had to make her mine.

how could i turn away and leave and not take her with me?

out of all the people in the world…she chose me.  how lucky could a girl be?

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sometimes never really does mean never

my puppy is going through another growth spurt against my will.
so with the growth spurt comes the extra visits out doors.  she is eating and drinking like a maniac – and so there have been many mad dashes to avoid messes.

so the other night – my poor baby really had to go.
i mean i had to run behind her to get her out asap.

there is about 10 feet from the pavement to the grass.  we ran down the stairs and ran across the pavement.
and that’s when it happened.

my ankle completely locked up for two consecutive steps.
it was painful and i had to stop and breathe, otherwise i am sure i would have screamed.  i don’t think my neighbours would have appreciated that after midnight.
i proceeded to limp through the walk – and woke up the same way.
today i am ok.

my point?  i always have one.

my dream to run again is just not going to happen.
and that’s ok.
it has to be ok.

to be honest i am surprised i haven’t seriously injured myself just walking.
i walk fast.  years of trying to keep up with other people with my really short legs 🙂
i don’t know how many times in a day…my ankle either locks or completely gives out.
i am telling you – i am the vision of grace.  i don’t think i have ever met anyone more clumsy on their feet than me.
if you know me in real life – you know i’m not lying!

For thanksgiving – i was wearing brand new flip flops.  my ankle completely gave out and i turned over on it with such force – i ruined my flip flops.
i loved those flip flops.

i gave up on running when i got hit by the car(s)
eventually i became ok with it.  i found other things to do to make me feel good and occupy my time.
i guess i recently got excited about the possibility of starting up again, since i’ve been making really great strides in my physical health ya know?
it just kinda bums me out.  it’s like when you tell me i can’t do something…i go outta my way to prove you are wrong.

i can’t do it this time.  all it will prove is that i am an idiot and i will probably end up being one with the sidewalk.
who wants that?

i am glad i got the nerve up to get a bike and ride it.  i am glad that i actually enjoy going to the gym.
so it’s ok.
the control freak in me will get over this eventually.
but it still does suck a bit.

the lesson i learned today?  that sometimes never, really does mean never.

c’est la vie

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channeling martha

i go through these stages…i call them domestic goddess stages

i think i channel Martha Stewart.

i go through stages where i just want to bake and cook and obsess about cleaning the kitchen
i think these stages are hormonally fueled.
it’s almost like a nesting thing – not sure.

i just want to feed people…and i also want to be experimental.

even with my low carb lifestyle i will bake things i cannot put past my lips
i have baked my famous blueberry pie – only to give it away – other pies as well – peach, pumpkin.  i have baked brownies and cookies and have brought them in to work to feed my coworkers.
it makes me really happy to see people love what i make!

when i go through these stages i could be in my kitchen for hours and be completely content.

last night was one of those nights.  i went to the grocery store right after work and spent an obscene amount of money.
raced home to walk the dog – and then tidied up the kitchen (because i just cannot cook if the kitchen is not perfectly clean)
i baked a low carb cheesecake 🙂
i love my cheese cake.

then i decided i wanted to make a taco salad.  i’ve never made one before – and it seemed so simple so i thought why not.
oh my dear lord it was delicious.

when i finally finished eating and cleaning up – i was antsy.  sure i was tired…but i wanted to do more.  what else could i make??

i talked myself out of it and decided to enjoy my Thursday night…and i did.

i still have the itch.  what oh what can i make tonight?

here is a picture of my salad – i took it with my phone so it’s not that great…
a delicious taco salad – minus the taco!

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obese on purpose

How did i not hear about this before???

Have any of you heard of Drew Manning?  me neither, until tonight….i wish i had clued into this guy months ago.

Drew is a personal trainer.  he has been physical/active his whole life.  he has never had that “fat” struggle…that alot of us face at one point or another.
oh and he’s not bad on the eyes i gotta say 🙂

so what Drew decided to do was…to get obese on purpose.
From what i understand…for 6 months he will not engage in any physical activity and eat crap.

his goal was to gain 50-60 pounds.  i believe he is in month 5 and has already gained 70 pounds!  say it with me seven – zero.

he wants to see life through his clients eyes.  he wants to know what they go through on a day to day basis – to understand them better.
after the 6 month weight gain – he will start eating healthy again, working out…and posting on his blog.

a part of me thinks this is freakin’ fantastic!!!!  and another part of me sincerely worries for his health.
for someone so healthy – this is a lot to take on.

i think it’s absolutely awesome that he will be telling the world the foods he will eat and the exercises he will do.
i think for people who can’t afford a personal trainer – this will be so helpful.
we also get to watch him transition back to himself.

the before and after pictures are ridiculous!!  you need to go pay a visit to his blog and see what i am talking about
this guy is craaaaazy – but in a good way!

click here to go to his website

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today – my heart hurts

my morning ritual is to catch up on world events…and so i go on line.
99% of the time i find myself sighing and asking myself what has this world come to?

a couple of days ago i watched the most heartbreaking video of a 2 year old girl in China being run over by two trucks.  the first one ran over her with the front tires…and then paused…then proceeded to run her over – ever so slowly with the back tires.  no one helped her.  no one helped her.
people walked by, biked by – and did nothing to help her.

today i read about a young boy named Jamie Hubley.

Jamie was 15 – and committed suicide a few days ago.
the reason?  bullying.

on this young boys blog he wrote of his severe depression, his cutting, how he didn’t want to live anymore…and finally a short suicide note…
how he couldn’t possibly wait 3 years (to be out of high school) for life to get better.

when i was a kid…i went through stuff.  i think almost all kids do.  i remember being depressed and hating my life…and i remember thinking to myself – that i would never forget what it felt like to be a kid in the throws of turmoil.
but i think a big part of me did.

i was never a victim of excessive bullying.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  i had an older brother who paved the way for me in high school – and so no one dared to bother me.
i also was never a bully.  i don’t recall ever being cruel or hateful to anyone in school.  sure there were people i didn’t like – there were kids i made fun of behind their backs…but i am pretty sure i was never cruel.
there was a period back in grade school…where a “friend” and i would fight every recess and get sent to the principles office…
and i went through a phase where i would fight boys until they would be my boyfriend – but i am unsure if that was bullying or flirting….or just normal

i read some of this boy’s blog today.  every entry, every picture….every single word was a desperate cry for help.
he was cutting himself – even his face….
i wonder – did anyone really try to help him?
if you saw a child walking around (and yes, Jamie was a child) – with self harm marks all over their body – do you not help? or do you assume that this kid just wants attention??
his blog screams “help me” – posts are tagged with “suicide” – and now he’s gone.

his family will never know what kind of man he would grow up to be.
Jamie will never know that yes, things do get better.  he will never get the opportunity to grow and become what he was intended to be in this world.

this has left me sitting here crying.  crying for a child i never knew.
crying for all the lost possibility
crying for his desperation, his depression…his final act.

i don’t get it.  maybe i am not supposed to.
has bullying changed since i was a kid?  has it become more aggressive?  more unbearable?
or is it simply how someone reacts to it – since we are not all built the same.

i am really bothered by this today.  i am affected….
and so i am writing about this here – hoping that it reaches as many people as it possibly can.
this should not happen to one more child.

i hope my nieces and my nephews – and any children i may have…never ever feel this hopeless, this desperate.
this makes me want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them from all the evil in the world.

i’m sorry for this downer post – but life is not all rainbows and sunshine is it…just ask Jamie’s family.

to read about Jamie – please click here. – and pass it on.

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change of plans – and a rant if you will

today didn’t go as planned – but life rarely does.

i am battling with what seems like round two of this cold.  it really sucks.
i mean i am functional and all…but this cough is just kicking my ass.
it seems to be going around too – everyone i know is sick

so now that the insomnia is gone – i am still getting no sleep.
every time i started to fall into a sweet slumber i woke up choking – unable to catch my breath
that’s the worst feeling in the world…tears running down my face…ugh it’s crap
how do you fall asleep after that??

so needless to say…i was a little zombie like this morning getting up for work

do you know how hard it is to work from home when you feel crappy and tired – knowing that your comfortable, cozy bed is just down the hall?
talk about a tease
it’s even harder when you have the cutest puppy in the world wanting to snuggle with you.

i got through the day – and once i shut down the work computer i headed straight to my bedroom
i managed a 20 min nap.  better than nothing i suppose.

i crawled outta bed…threw on a baseball cap (and clothes of course…cause that would just be weird)…hopped in the car and met up with a lovely lady for dinner.

they didn’t have my first choice low carb beer – so i settled for this.  notice the picture?  how oh how did they get this picture of me????

i started off with a lovely salad;

and then the most delicious wings in the world.  please note these are not dusted (breaded).  so they are completely on plan and absolutely yummm.

i ended off the night with a starbucks.  i drank it like the complete addict i am and so there is no picture…but i am sure you don’t mind.

so i didn’t have the chance to get to the gym to give them a piece of my mind today…there is always tomorrow
they are already on my blacklist –
our company reimburses their employees a good amount of money if they join a gym
they like to encourage health and wellness
anyways i need to show proof of payment and i get money
when i asked them for a break down of my payments it was just printed off on a plain piece of paper…no letter head
and as i suspected – my work will not accept it.
the owner says they have no letter head.  please.  arg, they really do have me by the balls don’t they?

i hate to be a bitch…but i feel like it’s time i bring out the bitch card.  i see no other way.
my cute smile isn’t working…so what else is a girl to do? lol

AND…why do they keep changing the wordpress layout???  seriously i just got used to the last change and now they throw in another?  give a girl a break already!
anyways – that is the end of my rant.

i heard this song tonight and thought it was pretty…and so i thought i’d share.  click here

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