going back to where it all started

a week before i made a conscious decision to change my life for the better…

i had to travel to Montreal for work.

Despite the fact that my life was spiraling out of control and i felt like a complete and utter mess on the inside…
on the outside i must have been exuding a kick ass confidence that really…was non existent.
I was sent to Montreal to learn a new job – a promotion – because apparently higher management thought i was doing an exceptional job.
i guess on the outside i didn’t look so messed up.
i’ve always been a good clown.

My boss came with me – which is always fun.  She is a good boss and an awesome person to hang out with after hours.

One of the nights there…my boss and a coworker from Montreal wanted to go shopping. We had a mall right beside the hotel  we were staying in – how convenient.

I however did not want to go.  I was at least 20 pounds heavier then…and trying on clothing was like Chinese water torture to me.
Did i mention that my boss is so very tiny that i have always wondered where on earth she gets her clothes?  i mean, she would swim in a size zero.

i pretended to look around, my boss tried to convince me to try stuff on – but i told her that i just didn’t have room in my luggage even if i wanted to buy anything (lies of course)

it was a horrible trip.  not because the people i was with were horrible, not at all.  They were too good to me…spoiling me with amazing dinners every single night i was there…
one of my coworkers (that i was training with and had just met) made me lunch and brought it in for me – yeah, i instantly fell in love with her – and talk to her every day now 🙂

i just wasn’t in the mind set that involved anything past inhaling and exhaling.
pretending to be jovial and smile seemed like such an unreachable feat…when all i wanted to do was to be left alone and curl up in a ball.
i don’t know how i never noticed it then – but obviously i was going through a severe depression.

Yes, there were awesome things going on in my life – including the promotion that i never felt worthy of at the time…
but you really can’t see the light when you are surrounded by so much darkness.

Heading back home turned out to be a nightmare as well…we had really bad weather and ended up staying a night in Ottawa because we couldn’t get home.  All i wanted to do was get back home – to my normal.

When i finally got home – i got word that a friend of mine had committed suicide.
i had had enough.  i turned into this big fat inconsolable puddle on my couch and hated everything.  everything.
i took the week to absorb what’s happened in my life – and then i got off of my ass and moved mountains.
and the rest as they say – is history.

i am heading to Montreal in a week and a half.  I am going for training yet again – because higher management believes in me.
This time – so do I.

this time i am going as a new person.  Over twenty pounds smaller, an over all happier and much healthier girl will be arriving there.
i will be spending my time at the same hotel – beside the mall that almost 2 years ago made me cry.
i didn’t know where the gym was last time i was there – i really didn’t care…
today i have already mapped it out (although i’ve been told i won’t have much down time)

this time i cannot wait to get there…to the mall…to the office to once again see my wonderful coworkers that i miss.

I am not devastated or anywhere near a rock bottom.
Sure i get sad…i get down…and it’s easy to want to sit there and feel it.
but i much prefer this bee…the happier one.

This time…i will leave much room in my luggage for new clothes.
i really can’t wait.

I’m ready to take Montreal in with new eyes.

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