Monthly Archives: September 2011

running on empty

i’ve decided that i am done playing with this sleep stealer in my life
i am going to kick insomnia’s ass.

i’ve been doing amazingly well for little sleep.
there have been nights i’ve even gone to bed before 11…but as soon as i started to fall asleep
i would wake up in complete panic
i mean heart racing, sweating panic.
now who wants to wake up like that???
not just once a night.  no.  cause that would be ok.
we are talking at least 5-6 time a night.

so i am bringing out the big guns.

i’ve been talking to alot of people…and alot of people have sleep issues
here i thought it was all about me.
i also spoke to my sister in law – who is a pharmacist…and i think i may have found a remedy.

i went out today and stocked up on some Melatonin and B12.
that’s right.  i am gonna knock my ass out like a responsible adult.
although i gotta say that my glass of wine at night seems to eventually do the trick…
and if it doesn’t – i just have two 🙂

so i am going to give this a go tonight
and hopefully i will see a difference…feel a difference.

i am functioning extremely well for someone not getting enough sleep
even kicking ass at the gym
but eventually i think i am just gonna stop…drop…and roll
and just not get up.

wish me luck.

and on to much more important news.  my favourite artist has just released a video to my favourite song.
this is a must see.  make sure you watch it to the end…because that is my favourite part…
and if you know me in real life – it’s soooo very me 🙂

enjoy and sleep well!

click here for the best video ever!

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going back to where it all started

a week before i made a conscious decision to change my life for the better…

i had to travel to Montreal for work.

Despite the fact that my life was spiraling out of control and i felt like a complete and utter mess on the inside…
on the outside i must have been exuding a kick ass confidence that really…was non existent.
I was sent to Montreal to learn a new job – a promotion – because apparently higher management thought i was doing an exceptional job.
i guess on the outside i didn’t look so messed up.
i’ve always been a good clown.

My boss came with me – which is always fun.  She is a good boss and an awesome person to hang out with after hours.

One of the nights there…my boss and a coworker from Montreal wanted to go shopping. We had a mall right beside the hotel  we were staying in – how convenient.

I however did not want to go.  I was at least 20 pounds heavier then…and trying on clothing was like Chinese water torture to me.
Did i mention that my boss is so very tiny that i have always wondered where on earth she gets her clothes?  i mean, she would swim in a size zero.

i pretended to look around, my boss tried to convince me to try stuff on – but i told her that i just didn’t have room in my luggage even if i wanted to buy anything (lies of course)

it was a horrible trip.  not because the people i was with were horrible, not at all.  They were too good to me…spoiling me with amazing dinners every single night i was there…
one of my coworkers (that i was training with and had just met) made me lunch and brought it in for me – yeah, i instantly fell in love with her – and talk to her every day now 🙂

i just wasn’t in the mind set that involved anything past inhaling and exhaling.
pretending to be jovial and smile seemed like such an unreachable feat…when all i wanted to do was to be left alone and curl up in a ball.
i don’t know how i never noticed it then – but obviously i was going through a severe depression.

Yes, there were awesome things going on in my life – including the promotion that i never felt worthy of at the time…
but you really can’t see the light when you are surrounded by so much darkness.

Heading back home turned out to be a nightmare as well…we had really bad weather and ended up staying a night in Ottawa because we couldn’t get home.  All i wanted to do was get back home – to my normal.

When i finally got home – i got word that a friend of mine had committed suicide.
i had had enough.  i turned into this big fat inconsolable puddle on my couch and hated everything.  everything.
i took the week to absorb what’s happened in my life – and then i got off of my ass and moved mountains.
and the rest as they say – is history.

i am heading to Montreal in a week and a half.  I am going for training yet again – because higher management believes in me.
This time – so do I.

this time i am going as a new person.  Over twenty pounds smaller, an over all happier and much healthier girl will be arriving there.
i will be spending my time at the same hotel – beside the mall that almost 2 years ago made me cry.
i didn’t know where the gym was last time i was there – i really didn’t care…
today i have already mapped it out (although i’ve been told i won’t have much down time)

this time i cannot wait to get there…to the mall…to the office to once again see my wonderful coworkers that i miss.

I am not devastated or anywhere near a rock bottom.
Sure i get sad…i get down…and it’s easy to want to sit there and feel it.
but i much prefer this bee…the happier one.

This time…i will leave much room in my luggage for new clothes.
i really can’t wait.

I’m ready to take Montreal in with new eyes.

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i’m bee – and i am a clothes whore

i went to the mall last night after work.

i was prepared to spend an obscene amount of money on a very special lady.
that special lady would be my mom.
see, today is her 60th birthday 🙂

my mom deserves the very best things in life
she sacrificed everything for us – to raise us…and now that we are older
it’s time to treat her like the queen that she is.

now, if she had her way…she would have all her kids over
and SHE would make US dinner and do all the clean up.
we have talked her into letting us take her out (which believe it or not was quite the struggle to have her agree)
so we are going to this high end steak house…and treating her to whatever her little heart desires.
(and i can eat on plan without temptation)


i knew exactly what store i needed to go to…
and instead of parking close to that store…i parked at the opposite end of the mall.
because i wanted to do a walk through…for myself.

ever since i lost weight – i really enjoy buying clothes.
i mean really enjoy

i have never enjoyed trying on clothes at the store
i am still convinced that the change rooms are equipped with clown mirrors.
after losing the weight, i know my size(s) at my favourite stores sooooo
i can literally walk in…grab what i like…and buy it.
it makes for a very lovely shopping experience.
and a very active credit card.

even shopping for my mom’s birthday….i made it all about me.
go figure.
you know why?
cause i have a problem.  i may need a 12 step.
i am just a total clothes whore.

but i was good…i only walked out with 2 tops.
did i need them?  i say yes – because they are long sleeved and it is Fall…
but really…i probably didn’t need them.
i said no to the pants that were screaming my name
another time…another time.

i also treated myself to some kernels popcorn
it was safer than the laura secord across the way.

sometimes it’s hard being me.

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rambles from an insomniac

it’s almost 2am…i decided to stop fooling myself and get outta bed
my puppy is laying there, oblivious to the world around her…snoring…and i gotta say i’m a little jealous.

and so i am doing what any other sensible person would do at 2:00am
i won’t be posting it until i am much more awake though 🙂

I am amazing.
just thought i’d throw that out there lol

I woke up Monday morning, after having little to no sleep…and felt pretty good considering.
i started going over my to-do list in my head…and of course the gym was on the top of the list.
i need to up my time there…lately i’ve just been running in for a cardio session and saying no to the weights

So…all day i am prepared and psyched and ready to go.
Around 2:00, i start changing my mind…
i said to myself….
self, it’s raining outside, maybe you should just go straight home
self, it’s only Monday you don’t have to go today…you have all week
self, maybe you should go home and nap.

it’s like i have a little devil on my shoulder.
i could talk myself in to and out of anything.
bad bad bee.

Anyways, i did go to the gym, despite what the voices in my head were saying
i did my weights and had a kick ass cardio session.

i notice that making deals with myself actually works.

i promised myself, that if i did 10 min extra cardio i could be rewarded with an iced coffee
since the summer dollar days are over i haven’t had one in a while.
so i did an extra 10 min and went and got me-self a bevvy.
good times!!
would i be able to reward myself with a bag of dill pickle chips the next time? lol

I don’t need a personal trainer
i need a personal motivator…someone who can remind me how it is i feel after i am done working out…or someone who will kick my ass.  i am pretty sure i know a few people who would kick my ass for free.
but anyways…the feeling after i am done working out….
dare i say…better than sex?  nah not true..but a close runner up.
i feel ahhh-maaa-zing!!
but it’s obvious i forget the feeling, because i still have to really pump myself up to go the next time!

i mean, i don’t forget how a glass of wine makes me feel…
or dill pickle chips
or a piece of chocolate…
i know exactly how those things make me feel.

so why do i forget how the gym makes me feel?  there is never a time i say…man i regret going to the gym
i always find myself saying – man, i am so glad i went.

maybe i am getting bored?  i was up the other night at some god awful hour and a Zumba infomercial came on
and it took everything i had not to order the discs
if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you would know that i’ve been wanting to take classes
my gym offers them…but just Monday mornings.  i can’t really skip work and go.
i just think that’s stupid….bah, but everything seems stupid at 2:00am.
anyways that’s where my head is at.

on to other very very important news…
i am soooooo excited.

if you know me in real life, you would know that i have a huge, crazy crush on Gavin Degraw.
i love him so much that i was even able to forgive him for his second album – which was not good (sorry gavin)
i love him.  his voice is my ear candy.  he could sing a page outta the phone book and i would still melt.
he is instant panty removal material.
not in a physical oh my lord that man is hot sense…in a when i close my eyes and hear him sing i get shivers sense

ok – sooooo my point being…his new album is out today!
i have been listening to his album on line for the past few days – and when i say album, i mean ONE song lol
on repeat – for 3 days.
i am dying to post it here…but obviously it’s not even hit youtube yet.
all i can suggest is that you all run out and get his album (which is called Sweeter) and listen to “Stealing”

“we had a good time, and then there was sorrow.  i call it stealing, you call it borrow.  so i want my heart back, if you’re not gonna keep it.  If you got no uses, then i’m gonna need it, and someone else is gonna need it too.”

wow, i really need to go to bed ehh?  good luck to me…i am so wired.

anyways since i can’t leave you with the song i am obsessed with at the moment…i will leave you with one that always makes me melt….enjoy….

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i get knocked down

well i finally got a little break from my insomnia.

it came in the form of a migraine.
not the answer i was looking for let me tell you.

i have suffered with migraines since my early twenties.  i went through a really bad break up…and voila…migraines became a part of my life.
i don’t get them nearly as often as i used to – thank god.  but it’s still not fun when they pay me a visit.

i had one hour left in my day yesterday…when it came to the point that i either needed to leave the office NOW or be stuck here bowing to the porcelain god.
and so off i went.

it may sound strange to you…but my migraines are actually an unusual blessing.

i only get them if i am stressed out to the core, or if my body is tired of trying to get it through to my stubborn brain –  that i need to slow it down.
so my body shuts down – and i am forced to give myself the thing i so desperately need.  rest.

i went home and slept for about 4 hours!!! 4 hours!  a deep sleep.  the puppy, perhaps sensing i was not at my best, slept on top of me and didn’t leave my side.

i was able to sleep the whole night through too – well i woke up once…
but the point is i slept.

today i am battling a slight headache.  typical when i get a migraine…the remnants stay for a few days.

i was going to go to the gym make up for last nights ass kicking.
but i will play it by ear.  if i feel tired and sore…i won’t.
i don’t need to commit to anything in this moment…other than doing what’s best for me.

have a great weekend kids 🙂

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insomnia can kiss my butt

i’ve been keeping the night company lately.
me and the night – sounds romantic ehh?

insomnia sucks ass.

i’ve struggled with insomnia my whole life…you would think i would get used to it…
but i don’t.
i go through my stages.  i can sleep like a baby…for days on end, sleep peacefully and deeply…
but these past few weeks are putting me on edge…especially these past few days.

i am averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night, which isn’t too bad.  but it’s broken sleep.  last night alone i was up 4 separate times.
i’ve tried to make myself stay in bed..not get up and do things…but the longer i toss and turn, the more frustrated i get.
i don’t get up and turn the computer on..that would just wake me right up.  Sometimes i will turn the tv on and the background noise will lull me back to sleep…or sometimes my eyes fight to keep watching.
and the more i try to fall asleep – the more awake i become!!!!
it seems the deepest, most peaceful sleep i get is right before my alarm clock goes off.  go figure.

this makes for a very unhappy, emotional bee.

it’s hard to get through a day and feel productive.  i could drink a gallon of coffee and still not wake up.
no amount of Preparation H could take away the luggage under my eyes. (not that i’ve tried lol)
i drag my butt around the whole day..counting the minutes until i can actually sit down and have some me time
that doesn’t come until at least 9.

i go to the gym – even if i feel i can’t move…and that makes me feel better – and half alive
but then it’s all the stuff at home that needs to be done and a puppy that needs to be entertained…
i swear last night i almost cried i was so exhausted.

then the time comes where i can go to bed and crash…and i lie there in the night…my mind going at a mad speed
and my eyes wide open.
my body is exhausted and yet the rest of me thinks it’s party time.

i am not one for pills – so i really don’t want to take any.  besides when i had taken them in the past, i would wake up in the morning feeling foggy and worse than i do on no sleep.
i don’t drink milk – i heard that helps…
counting sheep only drives me mental…because if i start drifting off…something snaps me wide awake and i gotta keep counting
like counting is more important than sleeping.
damn sheep!

so other than drinking a whole bottle of wine, i really don’t know what to do.

anyone have some insomnia remedies that i possibly haven’t heard of?  can anyone out there help me?

if you are dragging your butt today…this song will sure get you moving…

clickety click here  (i should warn you that there is a little swearing, but it’s Sara Bareilles…how can you not watch!)

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exactly what i needed

everything happens for a reason.  things come to you for a reason.  nothing is coincidence.

for example, out of the blue my godfather popped into my head…and wouldn’t go away.  after a full 24 hours of tears and sadness and never-ending thoughts and conversations with my godfather (who passed away almost 4 years ago) how is it that a car…that appeared to go out of it’s way to cut me off…would bare the license plate “godfather”?

coincidence?  i don’t believe in coincidence.
i believe in signs.  i believe he was saying – hey kid i’m right here!

So i was on google today…looking for something rather specific…and instead found this…and i knew it was exactly what i needed to hear today.

maybe i didn’t find it…maybe it found me.

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i’m not a bitch, i’m just hungry

i apologize for not being as “present” as i wish i could be.  it’s been an unusual couple of weeks…”trying” to say the least
and finding my mojo…to try to inspire and be light hearted has been difficult
as much as i pride myself as being the class clown…i do get affected…i do get bummed out…and sometimes silence is the only way i can deal with it.
it’s funny…because i noticed tonight how my blogs as of late have been how i’ve been neglecting my routine – my health
and i know why it is…although in my blogs i’ve written that i “just don’t get it”
i do get it.  i am going through something personal.  but all is well and i will survive.  it’s not anything that needs to be said here…i got the blog next door to air my dirty laundry
but i am fine…and getting on track
god forbid i let some idiot drama take over my health.
onward i go.

so can i tell you how weird the weather is?  really.  i should be used to it considering i live in Canada.
the other night i was bundled up in my fat pants, hoodie…and had the fire place going…two hot baths later and i was still shaking from the cold.
tonight i am prancing around in my underpants with the a/c on.
gotta love it

as i said earlier, i’ve been struggling.  that’s a hard place to sit in when you are a comfort eater
i think that’s why it’s been so easy to stray – and not take care of me as best as i can.
it’s been naughty, bad food that has made this bad feeling even worse.  at the time it feeds my emotions.  at the end of it all it just makes me feel 10 times worse
anyways…i digress.

i decided i needed to get out for an awesomely on track delicious dinner.
and so to the Keg i went.

of course…no meal is ever complete without this starter:

i like my meat medium rare, anything else just wouldn’t suffice.

take a look at my nom nom’s

looks delicious right?

a few bites into it…i realized it was cooked to at least medium well..if not well
it was disappointing.  i was looking forward to this night for ages.

i don’t complain.  i am just not one of those people.
but i was just so disappointed..i really wanted to let them know…and so i did

i had filled up on the veggies…so i wasn’t so hungry
but my god, i dreamed about tonight and my prime rib.

wouldn’t you know, the manager came over…said he saw my plate
could totally see that it wasn’t medium rare and was comping my dinner
was there anything else he could get me?


i am just not used to that.  i felt terrible even mentioning that my prime rib was not up to par
but here they were apologizing to me…validating how i felt…comping my meal…and asking if they could do anything else to make me happy

i think i have been living in a bubble.

see…people think i am a bitch…i’ve been wanting to blog about this for a while but get distracted by other things…other things to write about
but a meeting with a complete stranger over a month ago has left me changed and constantly in thought
i promise to get to that in a blog very soon.

but i am not a bitch (as much as i like to say i am)
i do not like drama or conflict and so i usually keep my mouth shut

and so tonight was a whole new experience for me
i was not happy…and i was heard…and respected.
what an odd feeling.

and because of this…i will go back again
there is something to say about being valued.

sorry if i am all over the map.  i blame the tasty red wine lol

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happy weekend all

what a lovely day for a walk

yesterday, i decided to put my running shoes in the closet and take out the Skechers.
yup…i skipped the gym to go for a nice long walk!
not only is that great exercise, but i knew it would make the puppy ridiculously happy.  i mean that’s how i started this journey, 5 mile walks and turbo jam – and i was successful.  so why not do things that work for me?
besides the temperature outside was purrrfect for a walk.  18 degrees, slight breeze…soooo nice!

and so off we went.

i learned quite a few things while taking my hour long speed walk.

like, with a puppy…there is no such thing as a leisurely stroll.  that’s not a bad thing…but man is my puppy crazy!!!!  well – she is a puppy so crazy is just part of her make up…so there were a few times that i had to hold her back so i could keep up…and keep from cramping up!!!

i also learned that “being active” is all relative.  for over a year and a half, being active has been a huge part of my life.  i’d like to think that i am in pretty good shape and can do alot.  i gotta tell you though, last night was as if i was going for a walk for the first time in my life!  My calves were on fire…and then finally 45 minutes into it…i was just numb.
I can only assume that there is a big difference from the elliptical and bike – to walking.
i feel wonderful today – not nearly as sore i had thought…so that’s good!

walking apparently is awesome for a headache!  i think because of the drastic weather change i had a terrible headache yesterday.  just the thought of doing weights and bouncing on an elliptical made me cringe.
shortly after i started my walk…the headache dissipated.  it came back full force once i got home – but the point is…it went away!

there is always time to chase squirrels and birds…and it’s always fun trying to eat a crab apple (this was what my puppy learned lol)

i was pretty much done by the time i got home.
as i was getting dinner prepped – the puppy was running laps in the house.  yes that is correct.  here i thought that perhaps a good walk would burn off some of the energy…but no…she was still go go go!!!!

she finally settled down and seemed so happy…and that makes me happy.

i am not the only one who needs a good run.  knowing that it’s good for both of us makes me a happy bee 🙂

by bed time she was snuggled into me snoring 🙂

aren’t we precious lol

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back on track

i’m starting to get myself back on track

last week i started making myself snacks to eat throughout the day at work
i find that works best for me.
i bought some cottage cheese and some fresh vegetables and divided everything into small portions to enjoy all day long.

it curbs my appetite so i am not tempted to get something “bad” at lunch.
i used to do this all the time.  i am not too sure why i stopped…but i did.  anyways that doesn’t matter now. all that matters is that i am back on track with that.

i’ve been eating right during the week and started back at the gym after my week long vacation.

it felt good…and it feels good being back on track.
it’s a little difficult after straying for a while…but well worth it.

if someone could just remind me how wonderful i feel after i work out that would be greatly appreciated.  sometimes i want to cry cause i just don’t want to go to the gym…but once i am done working out i am so happy i made the decision to go.
i feel wonderful and accomplished.

i had a crazy busy weekend.  a fun one 🙂
i did so much walking that today i can barely move.  it’s funny to me because i am obviously sore because i was using different muscles than i generally use at the gym…and my oh my do i feel it.
i am walking like i am an 80 year old!

anyways…i am back…and intend on staying here.

now if i could only wake up….
someone go to Starbucks for me pretty please?

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