Daily Archives: April 29, 2011

something i wrote

i decided i would get a little personal…since it’s Friday and all.

I was going through some old writing and found something that was written at the lowest of my lows.
I believe all my major changes,  accomplishments…and mind set was a result of my feelings when i wrote this.

i guess this was my rock bottom…and i feel comfortable enough to share it with you here…since i’ve let it all go 🙂
it’s amazing what a year can do to you and for you.

The Letting Go

i need to learn the art of letting go
seeing the flaws
beating myself up
expectations set so extremely high for myself and for others.

it tears away at you
bit by bit…takes away from who you are and what’s to be
i need to find the letting go

i need to lay anger, betrayal…of my own self
to rest
i need to inhale and exhale, deeper
i need to love myself , all of myself
including the stretch marks, the dimples….all of it.

i need to let go of sadness and despair
i need to understand that in this life i will be wronged over and over
and i in turn will wrong those i am supposed to love

i need to let go.

i hold on to every little thing
comments, whispers, looks
they burn in me and echo
i create mountains out of pebbles
and the turmoil weighs me down.

i need to learn the art of letting go
of deceptions, of deceit
i need to understand that not everyone has pure motives
and not everyone has your best interest in mind

i need to let go
of what i see when i look at me.
i need to let go of the words i use to describe myself
that i wouldn’t dare say to anyone else.
i want to love me like others love me
i need
i need
to find the letting go

i need to find the letting go
of allowing past hurts to creep up on me
and allowing them to take refuge in a heart that’s mostly healed
i need to let it go
i gotta let it go.

in the loves that almost were
and the children that almost blessed me
in the friends no longer friendly

the letting go

i need to find the letting go.

© 2010 bee

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right my wrong

once i recovered from my carb coma yesterday
i was ready to think about what i should have for dinner.

carbs are sneaky little buggers.
they play with your head.

after the whole afternoon was spent in a fog
and feeling like i could use a nap…
my brain was trying to convince me to keep going.

the little voice inside my head was saying
“well you already blew it with lunch…you might as well make a day of it”

so i started to think about Kraft Dinner, or a grilled cheese sandwich
some stove top stuffing ( i could eat a box of that…i love it!)
then i started thinking about Chinese food…a buffet perhaps
but i haven’t had Indian food in forever so why not eat that…
ohhhh and then there’s Thai food.
etc
etc
etc

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i could have totally given in and gone on a binge
that’s why i have to be so careful when i actually do cheat…sometimes it sets off other cravings…some that are hard to resist.

Yesterday i resisted the temptation…and i righted my lunch wrong lol

Thursdays are my happy days and i wasn’t going to ruin it by making myself feel guilty over all the crap that i ate.

And so this is what i made:

doesn’t that look absolutely delish?  cause it was ( and notice how none of the food touches lol)

i picked up some fresh rainbow trout.  seasoned it with lemon and garlic…and then steamed some green beans and tossed them in a little bit of butter, lemon and garlic.
it was amazing…my belly did a happy dance!!

i have a weekend of me time…
i think i am going to spend it outdoors…and then cooking up storms.
life is doing a major 180 as of Monday…mamma needs to prepare!

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